Alex is 3 years, 1 month and 4 days old today and is at day care for his first full day. I feel sick inside. Why on EARTH do we think our little people need in any possible way to grow up so fast? He is a little, pure, innocent, loving attachment-needy tiny person exactly as he is designed to be! What is our society’s rush? Why create more demands in an environment for these little people that are more than their burgeoning inner resources can possibly be equipped to deal with?
How clear are today’s American “mainstream” parents about what they truly want for their children? What do they think the priorities are? To rip young children out of the heart of their safe and secure attachment environment and relationships of love to toss them into a cold, harsh, detached and remote “early prep school” environment stops their internal self-to-self-to-other development DEAD in its tracks. Instead an artificial and yes, materialistic bent on life is programmed into these children. WHY?
Day cares are business. Increasingly big business. There is much powerful social control, mind control and persuasion involved in so quickly changing the entire evolutionary process of mothering. How is it possibly OK I continue to ask for mother’s to abandon their little ones at birth into the care of strangers?
My daughter HAS a choice for Alex. It was an agonizing decision making process for me to choose to renew my lease on this horrid apartment to stay in this city and climate I detest for another year. But here I will stay until my 65th birthday and I WILL continue to care for Alex in my home. If my daughter outright rejects my offer for ANY reason it will change how I feel about her probably for the rest of my life. I cannot see how my relationship with her will not deteriorate. There is, to me, nothing more important in HER life than the correct care of her little sons. I do not think most of today’s women GET THAT.
Humans are not objects. We are not commodities. In this materialistic society of America today I don’t think people are clear about this. We are going out of our way to create CONSUMERS. People lost to their self and lost to one another. People empty inside who are programmed to BUY THINGS in a continual, never-ending attempt to fill that void within that belongs to a universe of LOVE, not to OBJECTS.
Oh! Such a MESS we are making!
I did stay home (by hook and by crook!) to care for my three children. I made sure they formed their SELF and their connection to their self. From this place these adult children of mine are making their own choices. That’s the way it is supposed to be. I have NO SAY over their choices and their decisions. I empowered them to MAKE them, and before God alone are they accountable, as we all are, for what they do with their lives.
I would not argue with my daughter about anything she could do or does EXCEPT as she affects her children. Otherwise, although I love her and care, nothing she chooses to do is any of my business.
Are her children’s needs any of my concern? Certainly grandparents have no RIGHTS over their grandchildren. So why do we CARE so deeply about their well-being? Is this genetic? The natural order of things? Was their care what our initial investment in our own children all about from the beginning? Is the REAL matter of concern ALL of the future generations that follow our own?
And how to I consider anything connected to this topic without EMOTIONS? I am emotionally involved with my grandsons, although less so with Pete, the older one who started kindergarten yesterday (on the ASD spectrum), and who has been “in care” away from his mother from the first months of his life.
Day care places are not peaceful places. Peaceful calm in a safe and secure environment complete with “management” by an invested loving attachment person is the womb world of earliest infant-child development. This is not about the transaction of money. This womb world is a kind of holding place for the seed within which young children grow and develop.
I see now, at this moment, that 0-3 is about helping a little one emerge as a self. What follows, what needs to happen now and NEXT for Alex, is to be helped to form the highways and connections between his self and the world. He has NO ability to do that now in the demanding context of daycare, and nothing about any formal day care environment is going to help him “get there” from where he is now. He will go backwards, not forwards, in terms of growing into his OWN self.
Day care in fact sabotages this essential developmental process. It drains instead of feeds little people. Alex will lose ground, not gain it.
As attachment caregivers we pay very careful attention to the little one’s self-within. We simultaneously help it form and emerge at the same time. This is an intimate instant-by-instant process. It cannot be rushed. But it can be interfered with and damaged. This is like working with the inner touchstone, the soul of a new human being. There is NOTHING more important in life than doing this work — what is essentially correct MOTHERING. It is a genesis process that begins at conception.
The womb is a matrix. The first earliest environment little ones spend their time within is an extension of that matrix world. It is equally as generative.
Carrying life in our womb is the domain of women. Birthing is the domain of women. If mother’s are not able or willing to care for their very young infants post-birth, then whose domain does the care fall into?
I cannot say. But in my case and the case of my daughter in this situation, the domain CAN be Grandmother’s. If my daughter lets that continue to happen.
I imagine in the “olden days” that social structures assisted the young to honor the wisdom of their elders. Those structures do not exist in the social order (disorder) that I live within. Whatever my daughter and her husband decide to do with their children I must accept. And come to my own inner terms with.
There will be nothing else I can do, as unhappy about their choices as I may be.