Even when I stumble upon a website such as this one, Women of Green, containing a post entitled, “Can Western Women Save the World? The Dalai Lama Thinks So” I feel lost and overwhelmed in response. In my reality, there are just too many pieces, too many parts.
Perhaps it might be especially because of my severe disorganized-disoriented insecure attachment ‘disorder-pattern’ that I am left so unmistakably influenced more by what feels ‘broken into pieces’ than many other people are. When I follow anything that might concern me about the state of our world I end up at the same point in my thinking and in my emotions. I am left as if I am standing over a pile of tiny shards that are all that’s left of something precious that was once whole and is now smashed to smithereens.
(See this excellent article that I believe applies to what happened to my mother in her infant-childhood to make turn her into the raging super-abusive ‘anti-mother’ whose trajectory of disorganized-disoriented insecure attachment was so different than mine:
Having been the recipient of my (Borderline) mother’s insane, intensive, brutalizing and violent abuse of me from birth and for the following 18 years of my childhood I was forced to grow, develop and build a body-brain-mind-self without having any safe and secure human attachment relationship that could have allowed me to put the pieces together of my own shattered early life. Every single time (except for my relationship with nature) that I EVER tried to pursue anything that could have brought me happiness, my mother was ALWAYS there to smash me again. Smash, bash, crash! My mother was an absolute expert on applying any force of any kind possible (and from her point of view, necessary) to BREAK LINDA.
After writing my recent post, +LEARNING HOW TO CHANGE PEACEFULLY (leaving the trauma-drama OUT!), I have spent most of my waking moments outside working on and in my garden. The amount of time I have spent out there specifically thinking about anything has been minimal. The ‘me’ that’s now doing that work is in the process of BECOMING – different.
Because of my dissociation disorder, I have to be very aware and very vigilant (as best as I can be) of my own process of change. In this past week I have been LIVING through something I have not put specific words to: I am coming to understand more clearly that for me there is a difference between how I see change, transformation and transitioning. My innate body-brain circuitry and pathways of dissociation happened inside of my growing and developing body-brain-mind-self BECAUSE of the horrendous abuse I was chronically forced to experience. As a result my universe has ALWAYS been about the parts and not about the whole.
I am transitioning. I have always been transitioning. At this moment of my life at age 59 my own process of transitioning has moved itself into the forefront of my focus. It is my own transitioning that I am investigating now – by living it at the same time I am becoming consciously aware of what I am experiencing.
This entire post is actually about one unifying topic: God. I never set out to write a blog about God. Yet in my own search for LIFE, which I see as a search for HEALING (because I was so totally wounded and carry those wounds within this body that trauma built), I don’t believe I will be able to move forward without a thorough investigation about what all things ‘God-invested’ means to me.
God. I believe the entire accumulation of physiological (on every level) consequence that my first 18 years of severe trauma and abuse did to me has greatly complicated my ability to ‘have a meaningful relationship’ with God. In order to ‘make my own peace’ with my own essential self I believe I have to face my own brokenness from a spiritual point of view.
This is a time of great transition for me. I have not decided how I am going to process this time of transition on my blog. I don’t care how anyone approaches their own belief in God. I see God as the Unknowable Essence, the Omnipotent Being, the Greatest Mystery and the Creator of All Things. Being able to break through my own dissociation to heal IN SPITE of that brokenness (that lack of continuity of self-in-the-world) is not a minor step for me.
In my personal investigation about what’s wrong in our nation and in our world that so many little and big people are being allowed to suffer so greatly I simply hit an immovable wall that showed me there is no answer on this globe to solve the brokenness in this whole world unless and until a spiritual solution is found – both personally and combined in love and compassion with masses of others within our species.
That we will have to leave behind what is divisive in our thinking and in our actions in favor of keeping what we share in common about our belief in our Higher Power means to me that we can choose to look inside for what sustains all the goodness of life rather than continue to fight internally and with one another over what is wrong. Our species is as broken and ‘dissociated’ as a unit as I often feel inside of my own self. But staying in a place of wounded brokenness will NEVER allow us to find solutions.
However we mutually come to share in bigger and bigger and bigger healing circles that will bring about bigger and bigger and bigger ripples of healing around our globe will not happen through clashes of disagreements. Healing happens when ‘forces are joined’ on the PLUS rather than on the MINUS side of life. It seems obvious to me that all abuse is about the minus. I will always need my transitions to be about the plus.
Wholeness, call it ‘holistic’ if that’s the best word we can find in our language, seems to me to be the exact opposite of what I experienced in my unbelievably sick home of origin. Whether we are considering our own needs for positive transitioning or the needs of others (including the ‘environment’), we are considering a whole that I believe the Creator made as a WHOLE UNIT that functions in wholeness the same way our own body does. I am exploring that wholeness.