+NOTES – 02/26/2017 – Something about “place”

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Sunday, February 26, 2017.  I think I might have a clue about why place matters so much to me.  Regular people can see themselves mirrored in other regular people.  I don’t think those on the autism spectrum have that experience.

This explains the “people on the other side of a pane of glass” feeling.  The “depersonalization and derealization” I have for so long attributed to dissociation from the extreme trauma and forced isolation of my childhood.

It is so strange to now have this spectrum filter operating in my consciousness.

Today I am thinking – rightly or wrongly – that a return to Bisbee area is necessary for me (my lease here in Silver City is done November 30th) because — well, because I cannot connect to humans, cannot see myself mirrored in them, cannot comprehend them AT ALL — “thanks” to autism, I am beginning to understand — PLACE matters to an unsuual degree to me.

Maybe like my “social blindness” means I stumble around in the darkness of human interaction and connection – so that I need at least some semblance of connection to land, climate, geography, plant life, that feels familiar to me.

Having only arrived here in Silver City October 24th – and heading toward my 65th birthday the last day of August = I doubt I will live long enough to make the connections here I have to that area of Arizona.

Is it a natural aspect of aging that eventually we will learn more and more and more about ourselves in the world like I am doing?  If I didn’t live at this juncture of time I would have no access to any kind of autism information.  At least I have SOMETHING here and now —

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I very much enjoyed spending 2-3 hours yesterday with a woman “B” – who was my neighbor when I lived in Taos, NM – haven’t seen here for at least 21 years.  I was making adobe back then – she was learning to weave – our 7 yr old sons were best of friends.

I could have made some “human contact progress” if I had been able to spend some more time with her.  But she just passed through town here on her way elsewhere – traveling – and now she’s gone.

And I am sad.  She is one person I could POSSIBLY be friends with at this stage of my life.  She’s 4 years younger – one of those friendly personalities – yet a gypsy lifestyle herself – but I know people enjoy being around her.  I really doubt she is a high ACE score person.

And her personality is different from mine – and right now mine – I don’t like.  I don’t like being a social outcast, really.  Anxious around people, unable to understand them or connect to them.  I hate it.

I did speak with another weaver I know in town yesterday after visiting with B – mentioned this sort of sadness I have “being me” – she really believes we can turn ourselves into anyone we want to me.

Say WHAT?  I said, “An oak tree cannot turn itself into a palm tree.”

“Sure it can,” was her reply.  And she means it.  Well, THIS won’t be a real friendship!

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Although I probably will not be able to access appropriate services so that I can get a formal Autism Spectrum Disorder (ASD) diagnosis – based on what I know I can say that this new revelation has sent me into both a steep learning climb at the same time it is crescendoing with grief – which includes anger in its stages.  I hope I get through this and am better in my life SOON – with a lot more understanding and acceptance of how and why I am as I am in my life.

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I don’t think it’s the autsim that makes me feel so chronically, deeply sad.  That’s from the abuse.  But the autism makes the abuse truly impossible to heal from, because to heal I would have to be able to FEEL other people, and to feel felt by them.

This part of my predicament SUCKS!

I am left so sad and hurting without reprieve.  No way to really stop it.  The autism and the abuse leave me unable to carry with me “internalized safe and secure attachment.”

In the book NeuroTribes, when he reported ASD people commit suicide 9 times more often than average – I really wonder how many of these people had high ACE childhoods with neglect and abuse.  I bet nearly ALL of them.

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I have also had thoughts about my 8th grade Mrs. Petite weekly essay assignments.  Proof of how my brain processes differently.  I wish I had some of those to read!  I know she gave me Ds on first assignments.  She explained to me what she wanted done differently.

I continued to write the same as I always had (I know they were metaphorical….) – she gave me and A on all the rest – I have wondered why….

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Also senior speech class – Ds on first two.  Somehow I adapted, changed – got As on all the rest – got an A for the year, one of only 6 – West High was big, lots of kids….

This must be similar to brain differences when I took college Trig – as I already mentioned here in notes

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I think there is a kind of “agenda shorthand” or “shortcut” operating when adults are with one another.  They get this.  I don’t.  I know why now, and this is part of what makes it so incredibly tiring for me to be with people – and nearly impossible to get my needs met.  Can I meet theirs?  I have no idea.

Not really, and I feel, sense this lack of connection and they do, too.  It’s awful, really.  Do all ASD people feel this?  My guess it doesn’t HURT for them, is not painful, unless they have an early severe abuse history.

Or is it just because I have a high IQ and have figured this out?  Don’t know.  Again – it sucks.

It’s a “mind blindness” for others – so weird.

 

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