+AUTISM – A PARTICULAR KIND OF PERPETUAL INNOCENCE – 01/31/2017

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Tuesday, January 31, 2017.  How can we hold people accountable for things they do not have the power to comprehend?  There are so many different angles from which this question can be considered that I think it is essentially impossible to answer it in any kind of a blanket way.  Because I am specifically coming to understand that I am on the “high functioning” end of the autism spectrum, and because I adamantly refuse to consider this to be a “disorder,” I am focusing on these pages to what about me is both “innocent” and “autistic.”

So speaking of “power” instead of “capacity” or “ability” I am recognizing that while nobody is exactly like someone else, mainstream “average neurotypical” people do rather equally possess certain powers that can be considered to “be interchangeable” between people.  Call it “common parts, or parts shared in common.”  So in my thinking, people “on the autism spectrum” share some parts with one another – and while neurotyps probably have a teensy, weensy, tiniest aspect of these spectrum parts, they are relatively undeveloped, underdeveloped or just plain invisible to spectrum people.

We are all created to offer something of value to one another and to the advancement of human civilization.  While, like left or right handedness, dominant patterns serve important functions in species’ survival, there is no lack of value in subdominant patterns.  I am not thinking that we are ignorant about one another because as a truly right handed person, for example, I will never have the POWER to understand the specific experiences of a truly left handed person.  I am therefore INNOCENT and not to be held accountable for this inability that I possess.  (My father was left handed and my younger brother is also left handed.)

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Now, by blessing or not, I am smart enough with ability to KNOW things about HOW I am in the world in regard to what is making my life difficult.  Mostly at the moment the hard parts are about being alone.  Other people do contribute to this.  They do NOT care what I am going through.  They are busy with their own interests and troubles.  Having moved to a place where I did not know a soul when I got here, I am acutely aware of how hard it is to REALLY talk with others about things that matter more than on the surface.

And “my condition” may well put them off in ways I cannot truly understand in my innocence.  I cannot MAKE people “be more comfortable” talking/being with me.  And it is certainly no longer even remotely easy for me to engage with others.  This makes me sad, because I have no always been aware of these kinds of difficulties – so I did not have to feel this pain and sadness.

Of course I was decades younger than I am now – things change with aging – and younger generation people, I am sure, see me now as being “old” and therefore outside their range of connect-ability on anything BUT a perfunctory, surface (to me, meaningless) level.

Information about autism is new on the scene, and could not have reached me at a younger age.  That’s just life.  Doesn’t mean I don’t FEEL it that the innocence I have had all of my life until now about HOW I am WHO I am in the world is so different from other, neurotypical people.

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We cannot be ignorant, really, of facts that nobody knows.  We are innocent.  Earth as center of the  universe?  It was innocence to believe this until it became ignorance.  Same thing with the earth being flat.  Now, with the information about autism entering consciousness, my innocence about these aspects of myself is being painfully replaced with truth.

Even truth about the innocence of some aspects of my innocence that will never go away in this lifetime.  That innocence has always been a part of me here on earth.  It is in my body.  And in regard to the insane abuse I suffered from birth and for the next 18 years – THIS innocence of mine saved me, literally, from ruin.

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