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Sunday, January 29, 2017.  I spend an infinitesimally small about of time perusing anything on facebook anymore, but occasionally I pop over there and scroll rapidly through posts to look for important life event news from family and friends.  After a comment I saw last night posted by one of this group my inner rage-o-meter is having a really hard time calming itself down.  Hence this post –

Someone made a comment about having recently made a trip from the American southwest (where they have mostly resided since birth) to a big Midwest city (during the nasty cold snowy days of January).  The comment stated that this person saw “many immigrants” there “who did not look” particularly “happy to be in America.”

So here’s a little news from my side of the white immigrant-ancestry family this person is a part of:

Somewhere back there in time, nobody knowing for certain when, a husband deeply concerned about his wife’s deepening grief and depression after having lost her much loved only brother to drowning at sea, brought this woman with him as immigrants to Prince Edward Island, Canada thinking this would provide enough solace to begin to repair this horrible grief.

Back there in time – on my mother’s mother’s side of the family, someone connected to this couple – as far as I can tell – found their way to America before the Revolution.  Only they were crown supporters through and through, so much so that they evidently marched their own way back north over the Canadian border (to rage, pout and throw stones?).

At what point in time my mother’s mother’s ancestors/relatives, all from the British Isles, decided to lower their personal flag of crown-dom to return south to the Boston area, nobody seems to know.

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Now my mother’s father’s side of the family was connected at least back around 1835-45, to immigrants of British and French origins who arrived in Halifax, Canada as members of the first Unitarian church of that nation.  Following that ancestry forward it is true that my father’s family came into the Boston area sometime after five of his siblings died of the flu around the 1880’s-90s.  A lot of grief followed that unhappy family into America, for sure.

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Then on my father’s side….  His mother, a British descendant white woman, was a member of the Daughter’s of the American Revolution, descended from ancestor Simone who was a record keeper involved in the line of provision to the revolutionists.  (There is no information about my father’s father’s side of the family – except in general that they were white immigrants from the British Isles.)

We do know that my father’s father died of alcoholism, as did my father’s brother and sister.  We do evidently know that part of the hatred Mother held against Father’s family had to do with old Crown vs Revolutionists hatreds so that Mother “made” Father disown his entire family.

Mother forbid Father from even attending his father’s funeral, a fact that contributed to my father’s deep grief until his last conscious breath.  (There was one dead live birth child in my father’s family, again no doubt contributing to family grief.)

My father also told me that his mother was “so depressed” that she never left her home except to do necessary shopping.

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Then we can move into disastrous family interactions that impacted descendants.  Mother’s mother divorced her husband in 1930 under enraged conditions, and it is known that she abused and neglected my mother, who in turn ended up becoming a psychotic madwoman who tortured and abused me from birth and for the next 18 years.

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This is nothing but the briefest sketch of the non-indigenous (to North America) trail of immigrant history in my family.  I also note that of the last 10 years of my life, six were spent living in Arizona with the American-Mexican border wall in my back yard as I was surrounded by the most fantastic people who were first generation Mexican immigrants into America.

Then most recently I lived three years in an apartment complex is Fargo, North Dakota 95%+ filled with refugees and immigrants.  Again, wonderful people who awed me with their polite kindness, tenacious spirit, their deep faith, their honest grief, their adaptive hopes in their new country, and their hard work in a very difficult climate area.

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Yeah, I suspect there are a whole lot of people in America who delight in throwing “first stones” from their proverbial glass houses.  I would rather not be one of those kinds of people.

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Leave a Comment »

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Here is my first book out in ebook format as it provides an outline of the conditions of my malevolent childhood.  Click here to view or purchase–

Story Without Words:  How Did Child Abuse Break My Mother?

It lists for $2.99 and can be read by Amazon Prime customers without charge.  A daring book – for daring readers – about a really tough subject.

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Tags: adult attachment disordersadult reactive attachment disorderanxiety disorders,borderline motherborderline personality disorderbrain developmentchild abuse,depression,derealizationdisorganized disoriented insecure attachment disorder,dissociation,dissociative identity disorderempathyinfant abusePosttraumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD),protective factorsPTSDresiliencyresiliency factorsrisk factorsshame

 

 

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Thursday, January 26, 2017.  If one takes a look at results from an online search of terms “grammar my self myself” an interesting panorama appears, including “When the Subject and the Object in a sentence refer to the same person or thing we use a Reflexive Pronoun. It is the only area of English grammar that is reflexive.”

It appears to me that writing a post about my very new understanding of MY SELF (myself?) as EVERYTHING about MY SELF (myself?) throughout the entire 65 years of my life on earth is BOTH a “reflexive” (reflex) and a “reflective” experience.

I do know that I am extremely grateful that this completely life changing epiphany that I “am on the autism spectrum” happened NOW that I have escaped my winter tomb in North Dakota to arrive in this beautiful New Mexican town.  Timing is everything.  This is true for everyone.  For all of us.

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Yet I did not CHOOSE to “have” this epiphany.  There is some kind of an information doorway becoming visible right now at this point of human evolution (at least in the mainstream western mindset) about “autism.”  I call it a portal.  Just the vaguest of outlines of this portal are visible at this point in time.

That is enough for me – right now.  EVERYTHING I know about me is being transformed.  And it seems that I have no awareness about which parts of my life ‘take the change’ WHEN.

And what on earth am I going to DO with this new information about my self (myself)?  Am I – as a defined self – moving into the abode of MY LIFE now in ways that have NEVER happened before – because they COULD NOT – because only now am I able to access even the most rudimentary information (such as humans seem to understand it at this point in time) about autism that I can FINALLY – RECOGNIZE – MY SELF?

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I am writing these posts for myself. (I think I can agree with myself that myself is fitting here in this statement.  This matters to me right now because prior knowledge has not been accurate, hence leaving ME out of my own life.)

I am having far too many fly-by epiphanies right now.  They swarm and bat me around.  I need to capture them and paste them down somewhere.  Somewhere is here.

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So my siblings evidently wondered why I responded to Mother’s horrible insane abuse the way I did. For example:

Why did I not CRY during Mother’s horrendous beatings during the 18 years of my life she COULD beat me?  My sibs thought if I HAS cried – maybe even begged? — Mother would have STOPPED a beating once she had felt she “won.”

  • Why did I not cry? As an Autism Spectrum child I COULD NOT choose to cry or not to cry. Why I do not yet know.  I suspect that autism puts us on a path of inner integrity that is not negotiable.  I think the ability to negotiate socially is a non-spectrum ability.
  • For this same reason it was impossible for me to admit to Mother – or to say I was “sorry” to her – for anything I did not do! Because Mother was psychotically mentally ill she “manufactured” all kinds of crimes that I supposedly did that I came to fully understand about 3 years ago DID NOT HAPPEN – but she absolutely BELIEVED DID HAPPEN.
  • Maybe no young child could have negotiated with this violent insane madwoman to save themselves suffering. I do not know. I know today that I absolutely couldn’t even consider the possibility – because the Spectrum doesn’t likely build people that way.
  • Why did I not, during 18 years of chronic horrendous abuse while my other five siblings lived in an entirely different ‘favored’ universe, EVER feel self-pity, resentment, anger at mother, envious or jealous of my siblings, etc.? TODAY I KNOW IT WAS IMPOSSIBLE FOR ME TO DO SO! I was not/am not built that way.  Such feelings would have happened to a non-spectrum child in that same situation, I bet – because those feelings are part of a SOCIAL engagement universe.
  • OK, briefly put, I admit that since 1980 when I entered “recovery” I have ALWAYS thought that the horrendous abuse targeted at me as it included extreme social isolation and imprisonment, even to the Alaskan wilderness homestead living arena, MADE me different socially. There is no way those events did not affect me greatly, BUT as a Spectrum child?  Oh WOW!  If I EVER thought I was innocent and vulnerable during abuse that began at my birth – add to that now the awareness that I was a “special needs” child?  Yeah?
  • Add to this the fact that NOBODY would have been able to fully understand any child (or even an adult) who was on the Austim Spectrum back then (and barely now….). I am racing at warp speed through any kind of “gee, Linda, some of this must be YOUR fault for being an ‘unusual’ child who really DID “make trouble” in the life of your mother/father/family. REALLY?  Another WOW – along with NONE OF THAT ABUSE WAS MY FAULT EVER NO MATTER WHAT!
  • Another part of this – for any readers who have scanned (at least) through my book mentioned below, Story Without Words – all of those incidents of my own suffering I mention there are changing in focus. IF I had not been a Spectrum child I would probably have NEVER noticed that incredibly amazing, beautiful image in the toilet bowl (I was 3) made from sunlight, hairs in a bowl, bubbles and motion. Logically, with my Spectrum brain/mind that I am for the first time being able to WITNESS AND OWN as ME, that horrendous abuse incident would not have happened plain and simple if I had never SEEN that pattern!  Not that Mother’s insane reaction was OK – of course not – get it?
  • And also in that book, The Bubble Gum Incident story – remember that incredible shifting pattern of light on wading pool water shimmering on my bedroom ceiling? Yeah – because I was a Spectrum child, that could save me.
  • And my FEELINGS after horrendous beatings, in the middle of further horrendous abuse that could last days/weeks/months – on the homestead – escaping just long enough to walk through a bit of so-beloved wilderness to the outhouse – and THERE was that angel on top of that mountain!!! I KNOW that I NEVER carried anything within me from one “attack” to the next – and remembering the outhouse/angel on the mountain trips – I didn’t carry any thought-based MENTAL experience of abuse with me. I carried suffering, true.  It was unavoidable.  But ME?  MY SELF?  I lived in beauty.  That angel was BEAUTIFUL to me!  I FELT beauty.  I know now, that is a Spectrum child ability.  (WHO DARES to call that a disability?)
  • Scroll down at this link through these pictures and see if you can spot the Angel on the Mountain.
  • There is also a filtering shift going on about the fact that even though Mother had attacked me every day in some way, and brutally out of nowhere most days (and nights), never ONCE did I, as I have said to myself many times in my recovery, “did I see it coming.” ALWAYS, every single time, it was a surprise to me when she attacked me. This has been mysterious to me!  Was this “dissociation?”  I have an answer now – as a Spectrum person something about how I process my self in the world is different.  Now I know where to look, info-wise, for explanations about this.  My PATTERN of being alive as a terribly abuse child somehow spared me from dragging along within me the toxic “barnacles” of Mothers treatment of me.
  • I guess that I can say at this point that I felt perpetually confused as a child (and very, very often as an adult). As a child I DID NOT understand what happened to me. I had NO ability to fight back in any way, even as an older child.  I am at this moment coming to understand that MY world is not ‘the common world’.  I do not share in common with very many people a pattern of being in the world that matches what is probably shared in common by the neurotypical crowd within which most others share their lives no matter WHAT they have endured.  There are many things about being alive I can now quit wasting my time attempting to comprehend.  This will now give me a MUCH needed inner platform of rest.

I will now be able to begin to take care of myself in ways that have never been possible for me before now.  The immeasurable efforts I have put forth to “give to others” first and foremost has ended.  I am guessing that neurotypical people get something back from their efforts when they interact with others like themselves that Spectrum people can never receive.

And I am also thinking it is for this exact reason that autism is not recognized in females unless they/we are on the far end of the “problem area” of the spectrum.

Exist we do.

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Leave a Comment »

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Here is my first book out in ebook format as it provides an outline of the conditions of my malevolent childhood.  Click here to view or purchase–

Story Without Words:  How Did Child Abuse Break My Mother?

It lists for $2.99 and can be read by Amazon Prime customers without charge.  A daring book – for daring readers – about a really tough subject.

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Tags: adult attachment disordersadult reactive attachment disorderanxiety disorders,borderline motherborderline personality disorderbrain developmentchild abuse,depression,derealizationdisorganized disoriented insecure attachment disorder,dissociation,dissociative identity disorderempathyinfant abusePosttraumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD),protective factorsPTSDresiliencyresiliency factorsrisk factorsshame

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Tuesday, January 24, 2017.  There is no way for me to write this post other than to plow through it.  Certainly when I began to write for this blog years ago I would have thought – and then would have had no qualms about posting – that DISCOVERY is a positive process.

Yes.  I can be hard.  But today I would wonder, “Are there times and circumstances when discovery as it applies to one’s self is impossible?”

What would I mean by impossible?  Dangerous to self?  What would I mean by dangerous, then?

Answer that comes to me as my fingers work this keyboard = “Without support.”  Or to be more refining about this, “Without meaningful ADEQUATE support.”

Next, then, I see a mental image of an unsuspected minefield one might step into….  Or an unsuspected, unseen cliff one might take one step over and….

Yeah.  Obtuse.

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Personally I think humanity is in an unsuspected Dark Ages, no matter how suave and sophisticated some segments of our global society might think that they are.  We have NO IDEA who we really are as a species.  There is a progressive-knowledge cusp we are aimed for.  One way or another we will get there – all together – in a future that certainly I, as a 65-year-old member of the infamous Baby Boomers generation cannot begin to envision.

All I can manage is my HOPE for our glorious future, for our informed future.  When we collectively understand that we are half human-animal and half human-spirit only THEN will our true potential wake up – move into motion – and change the world into the paradise it is destined to become.

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Meanwhile?

It really is “all too much.”  There is no direction a person can look without witnessing – yes, goodness and hope for our future – but also shifting sands blown around with enough force to obscure what we THINK we know about just about everything as global status quo — disappears into – what?

Obscurity?

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Meanwhile, myself being but one speck of sand, I stand here at my computer gazing toward the northern snow covered mountains kissing the clouds, rock solid against ephemeral motion and change, getting ready to write words here about something so important to my personal history – past present and undoubtedly future – that it takes a force of great will for me to let them appear here.

As if – if I do NOT concretize these words they do not exist.  Well, that’s obvious.  True for all words, spoken, written – thought about?

Autism.  Autism Spectrum Disorder (ASD).  Me.  You?

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So, I MUST write a warning here to any of this blog’s readers who have suffered the horrors of severe early abuse and trauma – ESPECIALLY if you know the abuse and neglect existed from the earliest moments of your life.

Be EXTREMELY CAREFUL of yourself if you choose to, decide to, take a read/look into this bestselling book:

Neurotribes: The Legacy of Autism and the Future of Neurodiversity by Steve Silberman and Oliver Sacks

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There have been postings on this blog about “adult Reactive Attachment Disorder,” a diagnostic category that is certainly under great debate.  There is information ‘out there’ about how early attachment trauma can create such developmental changes to physiological development (including gene expression) that aspects that LOOK like and SEEM like autism can manifest.

So?

Having jumped unguided and unsuspectingly into the text of Silverman’s book I have been hit – hard – with the strong possibility that I was BORN either on the “autism spectrum” or so close to it that it is only due to the current lack of human knowledge about neurodiversity that I cannot wade through the turbulence of lack-of-truth about these conditions to discover this (to me) very strange truth about myself.

Or many others….

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I HATE to stir waters, make a splash, upset apple carts – mine or anyone else’s.  I do know that since I opened the covers of this book (which I have since passed on to someone in the community working professionally “in the field”) I no longer have the same inner cosmology that I have always had up to this point.

NOTHING about myself in my life, as far back as I know and can remember, is ‘reading’ the same as before.  There is an entirely different lens/filter in place now.  And NOTHING about this current process is comfortable or easy – or the same.

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My guess is that those living in rural places have very little or no access to professional help with this ‘situation.’  The information is too new, and the true knowledge about it still lies somewhere in the pitch blackness.

Right now, more than this I cannot say,  except BE VERY CAREFUL of yourself around this book!

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Leave a Comment »

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Here is my first book out in ebook format as it provides an outline of the conditions of my malevolent childhood.  Click here to view or purchase–

Story Without Words:  How Did Child Abuse Break My Mother?

It lists for $2.99 and can be read by Amazon Prime customers without charge.  A daring book – for daring readers – about a really tough subject.

++++

Tags: adult attachment disordersadult reactive attachment disorderanxiety disorders,borderline motherborderline personality disorderbrain developmentchild abuse,depression,derealizationdisorganized disoriented insecure attachment disorder,dissociation,dissociative identity disorderempathyinfant abusePosttraumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD),protective factorsPTSDresiliencyresiliency factorsrisk factorsshame

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Sunday, January 8, 2017. In fact, with the right methods of presentation — I bet there are many people who can “figure out the punch lines” before anyone even tells them what this “trauma healing business” is actually all about.  This idea that came to me today can give people clear pictures of the solutions — many of which already exist in their lives — before anyone actually describes to them “the problem is you have a REALLY HIGH ACE SCORE!”

I have been thinking about how I might introduce ACEs connected trauma healing information to this new community I moved to last October ever since I arrived here.  I have tested the waters, so to speak, in talking to some of the people I have met here.  Nothing about this process is or will necessarily be easy.  Who wants to talk about trauma?

Suddenly this afternoon I had my own little epiphany!  I would NEVER want to put this information into motion by beginning with the big T word!  NO!

Even though I cannot say I understand the big R word – resiliency – I have decided that there is no other way for me to begin this personal work of mine here!

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I found an interesting 2011 article that discusses various Resiliency Questionnaires.  The conclusion basically is that nobody evidently knows what resiliency is – so how CAN it be measured?

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Health Qual Life Outcomes. 2011; 9: 8.

Published online 2011 Feb 4. doi:  10.1186/1477-7525-9-8

PMCID: PMC3042897

A methodological review of resilience measurement scales

Gill Windle,1 Kate M Bennett,2 and Jane Noyes3

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Fine with me.  Really.  If ACEs trauma healing information is going to be introduced into any community it is already known that each of those communities are going to have to individualize the entire process to their own specific locale.  While the facts of ACE information appears stable, the “delivery and implementation” systems need to be tailor made.

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I have been informally approached by someone interested in knowing if I could formulate a “delivery system” connected to ACE community healing that is art based.  As a Nationally Registered Art Therapist I COULD design something like this and could instruct those working on this project (in a different state).  Where there is a need – there can be found a way….

So today my epiphany provided for me a basic template I can now think about.  Here it is in its informal beginning sketch format (this is all “a work in progress”):

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I call this “pattern” for a delivery system of ACE information —

R.E.A.L. © Trauma Healing

The words that I capitalize in bold type are the main words that delineate a structure for community discussion.  The rest of the words in parenthesis are at this point still being considered as “idea words” – that could be included in a presentation, or that might or might not rather be generated in discussion about the main words.

(I would be able to use art expression experiences all the way through this entire process – and could teach the right person/people how to do this, as well.)

The main words are concepts that begin to describe a process most importantly, from a positive point of view/experience.

R.

RESILIENCE, RESOURCES

(could include resourcefulness, rest, relaxation, recuperation….  Rejection, rejecting = to me, a kind of immune system response as with our cells = what is not good for us is rejected, which then becomes one of our resiliency factors.  Often trauma interferes with abilities to know what is good for us and what is not, preventing us from acting according to our best interests.  It is also true that learning about trauma as it affects all of us will enable us to be more accepting of others, of the problems we face together as we work out solutions.)

(NOTE:  There are two words I only use with great and specific care and consideration when it comes to healing for severe early trauma survivors:  “restore” and “recover.”  If trauma begins early enough (and it can certainly begin at conception) for a person (in my case from the moment of my birth), and if the trauma in a family is pervasive and severe, there is not REALLY much to “restore” a person to or for them to “recover” from that horrendous mess.  I do believe deep healing from early trauma will likely progress to a point where a survivor can “go back” to find their own pure, innocent, beautiful SELF – that was traumatized but that is NOT a “part of” the early trauma.  On the whole, I just don’t even think in terms of “restore” or “recover” without including much careful consideration of the reality of anyone’s earliest history.”

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E.

EVERYBODY

(I would include earth, (epigenetics), exploration, enjoyment, entertainment, empowerment, empathy, expression, emotion, epiphany, excitement, enthusiasm, education….  EVERYBODY is in this life together, and very few get through a lifetime free from trauma.)

(I would suggest a very strong emphasis on this section!  Including –

  • Discussion of “com” as a prefix meaning “with”
  • Making connections to the possibilities that among the most “traumatized” people and families tendencies toward great isolation might exist – healing addresses these patterns
  • Discussion of “everyone” includes patterns of what is being today called “accompaniment” among people. Forms of peer relationships strengthening attachment bonds on all levels are included here, along with peer-based modeling of new life skills, encouragement, teaching, shared learning, etc.
  • It is clear that, as a social species, humans are actually designed to be WITH one another in positive ways. This is the direction of the healing of our species.
  • Included in this area of conversation and discussion I would include opportunity for examination of what the following words mean to participants in their family, culture, location, etc.: community, communication, compassion, commune (with).  Yes, this is about creating recognizable safe and secure attachment relationships. The use of simple, enjoyable art expression techniques enables this attachment to happen from the center of each person involved in this process – and the best of attachment can grow right from that beginning.

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A.

ACE TRAUMA AND HEALING

(It would not be until at least the third “session” (meeting) that the main topic of  introducing ACE trauma and healing information would be introduced specifically.  Prior to this every effort would have been made to expose and examine every possible positive aspect of people’s lives first!  I also think art and creativity belong in this section, as well!)

(This section of ACE specific trauma healing training builds on:  affirm, affirming, affirmation; accept, acceptance, accepting; adapt)

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L.

LIFELONG LEARNING

(love, laughter, linkages….)

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I certainly am not qualified to teach all the ACE related information!  I do understand that my little epiphany today might provide patterns for delivering this information such as someone else TRAINED for this job could adapt and/or make use of.

We are all in a discovery phase regarding what to DO with the CDC ACE information – in our own lives, in our communities, in our world.

The job of DOING this work seems to big for me – at least right now.  I will help where I can.  Do what I can.  And recognize that I might be called-from-within to do more of this work than I want to.

If this turns out to be true – I have a lot of self-education to do about this ACE trauma healing revolution.  I guess I won’t be able to pass on a baton – especially to the younger generations — if I don’t first have a baton in my hand.

I suppose it’s like carrying a hot coal – keeping a spark alive – finding the right conditions to light a fire of learning and change.  Time will tell me where my place is to be in this process.

I just hope and pray that if I am called to action I will be ready, willing and able to do the work.  Honestly?  I would strongly prefer that someone else does it!

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Leave a Comment »

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Here is my first book out in ebook format as it provides an outline of the conditions of my malevolent childhood.  Click here to view or purchase–

Story Without Words:  How Did Child Abuse Break My Mother?

It lists for $2.99 and can be read by Amazon Prime customers without charge.  A daring book – for daring readers – about a really tough subject.

++++

Tags: adult attachment disordersadult reactive attachment disorderanxiety disorders,borderline motherborderline personality disorderbrain developmentchild abuse,depression,derealizationdisorganized disoriented insecure attachment disorder,dissociation,dissociative identity disorderempathyinfant abusePosttraumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD),protective factorsPTSDresiliencyresiliency factorsrisk factorsshame

 

 

 

 

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Thursday, December 29, 2016.  “Of course you feel that way!  I am here with you.  I hear you.  I value you.  I understand.  You are safe with me.”

Wow.

Add to this interplay between people a shared awareness that there are situations and circumstances that bother people – things that are less than ideal and often can be downright challenging.

Does it matter most that we are not alone?

Adrift in dangerous waters.  Alone.

Add to that – for many people – the fact that those in early years that were supposed to shelter, protect, and preserve from harm the very young people – did the opposite – harming them by what was done as well as by the withholding of what was so very vitally needed….

Fast forward….

All these things – in operation in all kinds of ways in all kinds of communities.  Everywhere.

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All I know is that this American “holiday season” can be really hard on people.  I think it amplifies and sets to vibrating all attachment traumas that have accumulated over one’s lifetime.

And where’s the reprieve?  Who shares with us that comfort of “Of course you feel that way?”

That’s an unsolvable paradox in many, many situations.  If our life has always run along smoothly – for the most part – are we more able to float over a holiday season feeling happy and inwardly connected in all the ways that matter?

And if our life has been built from the beginning upon trauma perpetuated by those main attachment people who we needed to comfort, sooth and protect and assist us – what then?

It is NOT OUR FAULT – nothing for us to feel ashamed about – if the opposite of “joy” seems to darken the passageway from the start of any “holiday season” to the end of it.  We are not to blame if underneath all efforts we might make to assist those around us to feel happier doesn’t seem to naturally bathe us in a warm glow-from-within.

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How can we “be OK” if we are not FEELING OK?  I have to remind myself often that I am far, far, FAR more than “just how I feel.”  For very sensitive people — especially for those who suffered from trauma altered development due to abuse, trauma, neglect and failed attachment during the earliest, critically important developmental months and years of life – our body cannot necessarily separate past feelings from present-moment ones.

Yes, this is part of “trauma triggering.”  When time as a certain culture prefers to consider it seems to warp – to wrap past around present and back again – we CAN feel more overwhelmed that we actually are (in the present moment).

I am blessed beyond words to have a trauma-informed so-compassionate friend to talk with (he lives almost 2k miles away but telephones of today are miracles!) so that I can hear those so-important words!

“Of course you feel that way!”

Together we talk feelings out and put life in perspective for NOW – no matter how the past has “in-formed” itself into us.

Relighting the lantern of compassionate self-and-other care is a continual process.  We are always trying to untangle trauma from our lives as we seek to understand it.

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I think that what we most need is the sense that “Everything is OK.”  “I am OK” is the essence of being safe and secure (not being threatened with or in danger), not feeling alone, feeling soothed, knowing that somehow we are never alone (which I believe is a spiritual truth).  Early highly traumatized people might not often feel this way – perhaps never really do. “Of course we feel that way” – and these truths are part of “normalizing” our inner experiences.

It can be very tiring to have to live this way as trauma survivors.  I think this is a big part of why for many the “holiday season” can be so difficult to get through.  Why can’t we, at least just for THIS SEASON, feel “better?”

Trauma isn’t a snowflake that will melt with the first hint of warmth.  Holidays are not magical.  Often they are trauma amplifiers – “So of course we feel this way!”

Our life is not easy.  It’s often damn hard in major ways.  We never deserved what was done to us.  NEVER!!

Yet here we are.  Here we still are.  And there IS goodness here.  It helps us to try to find that goodness.  One personal truth at a time.  One shared truth at a time.

One breath at a time.

One heartbeat

One shared heartbeat….

Because no matter how alone we feel at any given moment in time — we are all in this process called life – together.

Holidays are no exception.

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Leave a Comment »

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Here is my first book out in ebook format as it provides an outline of the conditions of my malevolent childhood.  Click here to view or purchase–

Story Without Words:  How Did Child Abuse Break My Mother?

It lists for $2.99 and can be read by Amazon Prime customers without charge.  A daring book – for daring readers – about a really tough subject.

++++

Tags: adult attachment disordersadult reactive attachment disorderanxiety disorders,borderline motherborderline personality disorderbrain developmentchild abuse,depression,derealizationdisorganized disoriented insecure attachment disorder,dissociation,dissociative identity disorderempathyinfant abusePosttraumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD),protective factorsPTSDresiliencyresiliency factorsrisk factorsshame

 

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Friday, December 16, 2016.  Musing today:  What is listening?  To me it is an interaction that really cannot take place without the “feeling felt” experience being present.

I sure in no way believe it’s limited to humans interacting with humans!  That makes listening, in my “cosmological” thinking, something that directly involves spirit!

Listening.  A transmission of experience – very much in the NOW moment when it is in action – therefore it is LIFE itself – in motion.  Hence, it’s connection to emotion = energy in motion.  The life force itself being exchanged.

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I am exceedingly grateful for having been able to spend the bulk of my childhood ensconced in the wilderness upon the mountainside of our Alaskan homestead.  I had so little consciousness of anything back then due to the terrible and bizarre situation of my human family madness.  Yet I did have relationship with fundamental nature.  Looking back I understand that I was in perpetual relationship with Life Spirit.

Human relationships were forbidden to me by Mother’s unique version of psychotic madness.  No matter what was done to me while we were on the mountain, my essential self was OK – because I was essentially connected.  Although on human level I was alone, on the level of spirit I was continually near an infinite source of comfort.

During the times we were living off of the mountain my life was much more difficult.  At those times the prison she created for me was itself trapped within another prison – the one created by “civilization” – which I can simply translate as being degrees of absence from the pure spirit of nature.

Yet even then Alaska itself exuded (pre-oil boom, pre-satellites and drones….) its own force so that it permeated most people who walked upon its land, drank its water, breathed its so-sweet air.  I know this factor assisted my survival.  Survival that continues because it is directly linked to the power-of-place.

Sustaining place.  Which seems to be different for different people.  (I have a dear friend raised on a North Dakota farm who moved to Manhattan as soon as she could do so after completing her art degree – and LOVES it there.  A total mystery to me.)

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At least I look out my window here and see outlines of forest covered mountains in the near distant north.  Rolling hills surrounding this small New Mexico town I have moved to seeming to be warm and holding arms surrounding me.  Dappled light, leaves free now to turn their favorite shade of red or gold, free to travel in the light or blustering breezes.

I have hopes once I am more settled here that I will be able to travel around to see the land here, to visit the wilderness – although my definition of wilderness will always inherently mean WAY NORTH – but this area is protected, designated wilderness.  I am glad it is near to me and that I am near to it.

I feel sustained in ways that North Dakota could never afford me.  There’s an inner assurance for me that I will be OK.

On the human range?  Gradually I wander the hills of town, visiting shops, approaching people, casually chatting, trying to learn/remember names, hearing stories….

This is all tied to the organization and orientation of a person in one’s life.  Listening within to what feels comfortable, lends to senses of safety and security, of resonance that says “Where I am comes closer to mirroring to me who I essentially am that other places possibly can.”

Coming home.  Coming home to self.  Finding others to listen to as I listen to the wind, the area, the place – and being human, the stories and lived degrees of drama of others who live here – many from families who have been here for hundreds of years – I will feel more felt – hopefully lighting up places within where joy resides – rather than hides.

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The fight to survive.  To endure.

The fight to feel OK.

Then the fight to find the glimmerings of joy – and then maybe some floods of it?

And – to somehow be connected not only to the spirit of land and climate and animals – but also to someone else – even if only once in a while.

Contributions of goodness.  Acts of service to the world we are a part of.  Not always easy.  Certainly.  But along the continuum of possibilities – the art of finding ways to genuinely feel better is a really, really good ‘thing’.

One moment at a time is fine.  When we connect to any fundamental place within us so that our essential self can feel at rest (as we listen within to what this sounds/feels like) – when there is no immediate threat present that needs to be responded to by our body’s survival stress responses (not even in our thoughts at these moments) – I think we are feeling-felt by our own self-within-the-flow-of-ongoing-life – the way we are all SUPPOSED to feel it.

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Meanwhile……

All this trauma?  Not in our own lifespan – but it is coming, that time when humanity will mature greatly so that all this human-caused trauma will end everywhere on this earth.  We are all a part of humanity’s maturation process, this healing.  And sometimes — we can feel the upside right here — within us.

And when we do — I think it is important to notice!  Notice “all the way around” and within us.  There’s a context here.  Lots of important information exists in these moments of (relative) peace we can notice, listen to, experience, value, learn from.

Maybe these are moments when order has been (briefly?) established within a chaotic world.  Oh, how I know how tiring it is to have to work so hard to reach these moments!  Yet sometimes they come as gifts of grace.  I don’t want to miss noticing and cherishing them — no matter what — I am listening.

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Here is my first book out in ebook format as it provides an outline of the conditions of my malevolent childhood.  Click here to view or purchase–

Story Without Words:  How Did Child Abuse Break My Mother?

It lists for $2.99 and can be read by Amazon Prime customers without charge.  A daring book – for daring readers – about a really tough subject.

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Tags: adult attachment disordersadult reactive attachment disorderanxiety disorders,borderline motherborderline personality disorderbrain developmentchild abuse,depression,derealizationdisorganized disoriented insecure attachment disorder,dissociation,dissociative identity disorderempathyinfant abusePosttraumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD),protective factorsPTSDresiliencyresiliency factorsrisk factorsshame

 

 

 

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Thursday, December 15, 2016.  Not OK.  Not at all OK.  This is the essence of trauma.  When we – and those close to us (physically/emotionally/history-wise = through any kind of ‘proximity recognition’) – are not OK, trauma exists.

It is present somewhere, and until there is positive and (dare I say?) exemplary resolution (solution) to the stem, root cause of and circumstances surrounding ‘this’ trauma, there IS NO OK!

We, then, are either OK – or we are not.  We?  Me?  You?  Some of us?  All of us?

My next thought is of “pockets of infection.”  Causes of trauma ARE infections.  They are disturbances of OKness, of equilibrium, of restitution (restoring to-ness) of all kinds of “flaws” to ALL of our lives on physical – which includes emotional and, of course, spiritual – well-being.

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I question perfection in this sphere of existence within which these words are being written and read.  I believe in progress toward perfection, certainly, and in the process of being alive in this material world there must be differences and distinctions, continuums which may or may not include polarities and their juxtapositions.  There is inherent change in this world-life.

Change.  An absolute?

I do not know, but I do know there are limited acceptable parameters for what IS OK and what is not OK for humans in order for their well-being to be experienced.

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And then – there is joy.  There is happiness.  There is peace and tranquility.

There is such a thing, even in split-nanosecond time increments, of being SAFE and SECURE at the same time we are alive.  Then there is also such a thing of feeling TRUSTING this safe and secure experience is NOT limited to split-nanoseconds of the time of our life.

How does this kind of trust coexist with degrees of non-well-being?  Is this where hope comes in?  How about empowerment?  That we somehow have the ability to access resources?

Resources.  What are they?  Or can I simply repeat what I learned in about 4th grade — that who, what, when, where, how, why and how much – MATTERS – to all life all of the time?

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Are we OK personally?  Are others OK?  (How inclusive our conception of OTHERS is matters.)

If not – who is not OK?  From here we can use all the 4th grade mental tools to examine problems, find and implement solutions.

No part of this process of life is about being alone – no matter how alone we feel.  Cutoff from resources, including adequate human ones, yes.  But we are not alone.  We are in this together.

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These words also come to mind:  Inner quietude; assurances, feeling assured; faith, belief, knowing; healing; protection.

Is there such a ‘thing’ as broken?  Is there such a ‘thing’ as being lost?

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Truth is, none of this is what I really want to mention today.  I want to say that I doubt that anyone escapes the sensation of being disorganized-disoriented when any threat to our essential life appears.  While this might be more common than any of us early severe abuse and neglect survivors might guess, I do doubt that others do not DISSOLVE when such a threat comes along – out of nowhere.

This dissolution of self, I bet, is most profound for people who suffered especially attacks by earliest caregiver(s) – most often mother – and were not nurtured by this person.  In fact, many of us were, because of severe mental illness in our early caregiver, actually HATED.

Because, in essence, the end purpose of early safe and secure attachment is to help us become an essentially happy and whole self – early experience on the opposite extreme can certainly create the opposite kind of self – one that barely exists at all – the “dissolved” or “easily dissolvable” self.

The sketches I drew above apply to everyone.  We all experience life with our some-version-of-a-self.  Those of us at the ‘bottom’ of the disorganized-disoriented insecure attachment (which I would call even in adults a Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD)) ladder experience the classic dysregulation of this attachment pattern as “dissociation” that built our physiology, meaning our essential self is an easily “dissolvable” one when we are not feeling safe and secure with others and/or with the essential circumstances of our existence.

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And yet if one studies the tomes of developmental neuroscience

it could be said that if forming a body-brain on all its multiple complex levels that is maximally designed to respond quickly, efficiently, effectively to threat in the environment

and then to return to pre-threat stasis point is a really GOOD ‘thing’

that maximally ensures continued survival

so that

a person formed in a most malevolent early caregiver environment

who has essentially a ‘reactive dissolvable’ responsive self in consequence

might actually be the most highly evolved adaptive ‘system’

on earth.

The problem is that living a life in such a designed adapted body is really, really not a lot of fun!

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I am, of course, being vicious with any allusion to this terrible state of existence as being positive – in any way other than the fact our adaptive abilities have kept us alive.  NOBODY should EVER go through an early life under those kinds of malevolent, hostile, brutal, etc. conditions!  EVER!!

My positive allusion is only to this point, to emphasize what an incredibly adaptive system early human development can avail itself of.

While as adults we can try to do everything in our power to create a life environment of minimal threat and maximum safety and security, we cannot control the world.  There will be times when circumstances will threaten us and our (degrees of…) “dissolvable self” will be triggered.

Then what?

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Here is my first book out in ebook format as it provides an outline of the conditions of my malevolent childhood.  Click here to view or purchase–

Story Without Words:  How Did Child Abuse Break My Mother?

It lists for $2.99 and can be read by Amazon Prime customers without charge.  A daring book – for daring readers – about a really tough subject.

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Tags: adult attachment disordersadult reactive attachment disorderanxiety disorders,borderline motherborderline personality disorderbrain developmentchild abuse,depression,derealizationdisorganized disoriented insecure attachment disorder,dissociation,dissociative identity disorderempathyinfant abusePosttraumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD),protective factorsPTSDresiliencyresiliency factorsrisk factorsshame

 

+WHAT A MOVE

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Tuesday, November 15, 2016.  I wasn’t really sure that it would ever happen — me being back online.  On my own computer.  In my own home.  Many many many long LONG miles south and west of Fargo, ND where my last post was written.

Thank you all for your patience!  My thoughts are certainly not running in anything like a straight line (yet), so this is simply a bare bones check in. I feel I have lived through several lifetunes – Ha ha ha!  If THAT isn’t some kind of typo!  I MEAN….  LIFETIMES since my fingers last touched these keys.

For now — Hello!  I am glad you are here.  I am glad I am here.  More later!!  Peace be with us all, the world over.

Now for a little JAZZ!  Glad to have music access back, as well!

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Leave a Comment »

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Here is my first book out in ebook format as it provides an outline of the conditions of my malevolent childhood.  Click here to view or purchase–

Story Without Words:  How Did Child Abuse Break My Mother?

It lists for $2.99 and can be read by Amazon Prime customers without charge.  A daring book – for daring readers – about a really tough subject.

++++

Tags: adult attachment disordersadult reactive attachment disorderanxiety disorders,borderline motherborderline personality disorderbrain developmentchild abuse,depression,derealizationdisorganized disoriented insecure attachment disorder,dissociation,dissociative identity disorderempathyinfant abusePosttraumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD),protective factorsPTSDresiliencyresiliency factorsrisk factorsshame

 

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Sunday, September 11, 2016.  There are aspects of our life as a human being that are too nebulous to describe.  That, dear friends, is a sentence that says absolutely NOTHING about something, a thing, many things – that are not THINGS to begin with?

Is this a time of profound confusions for me?

Yes.  Unequivocally so.

I am suspecting that when we pass along through a time in our life here on earth when everything that matters most to us is challenged more than ever before, that we lose track of how it is possible for mere words to express the inexpressible.

Why write?

By catching any flying creature, are we at the same time capturing every single trace of movement through the air that creature has experienced before we caught it?

How can it be possible as we transit our life – really – to not have every memory stored within all the invisible places and spaces within us touched and in some way activated (probably ALL of the time but most certainly) during our most difficult times?

What makes something we go through DIFFICULT?  Compared to what?

I don’t think high ACE score people, especially those who suffered extremely BAD (unsafe and insecure attachment) early relationships, go through very much at all in their life in an EASY way.

Ease.

Such a single basic word – transforming into DIS-ease – so invisibly we often cannot determine EXACTLY when this happens – let alone HOW.

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Through so many spiritual practices around the globe humans come to understand – at least periodically – that THIS lifetime is NOT about ease.  It is about changes and chances – and about our reaction to them.

Sounds so simple.

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There are so many ways humans can deaden the experience of having emotions.  Agony.  Sorrow.  Hopelessness.  Confusion.  Terror.  Who in their right mind would choose to FEEL these emotions if there is available methods for NOT feeling them?

Why are we created to even have emotions?  What might be the consequences of contriving ways to deny and ignore them?

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These might seem to be reason-able questions, and yet for those of us with horrendous early trauma histories, there isn’t a way to answer them.

An unsolvable paradox?

Like the one that developmental neuroscientists identify for infants and very young children who must “go on being when going on being is impossible?”

Yes.

It’s like that.

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There are substrates to our existence as physical AND spiritual beings in this lifetime.  Those two wings of our existence must meet somewhere!

We don’t know where, though.  We don’t know HOW they meet.  We don’t know HOW they interplay, interconnect, intertwine.

Personally, I think we are here to learn about the invisible nature of who we are, but I also think we are in a universe essentially governed by mysteries.

Is this where faith inserts itself into our existence, our experience, our awareness (if we are lucky)?

Probably.

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When we live through something very difficult in our life – anything that is colored especially by loss and grief – I am thinking we have stepped at these times into a massive river that really is NOTHING BUT mysterious.

If we believe in a Creator, in a loving and all-knowing omnipotent God, we can turn our attention in that direction and ask for help.  I think I did that continually from the earliest months and years of my life.

I didn’t especially get any tangible responses except that I continued to remain alive.  But that life did not exclude difficulties.

That much I know.

And those difficulties are completely being triggered right now for me as I live through the paradox of not being able to leave my dearly beloved little grandsons and my daughter, their momma – at the same time I cannot stay here in this city in any kind of housing I could afford here to go through another horrid northern winter.

I don’t have it in me to stay, yet I am struggling perhaps more so than I ever have in my adult life to find within (and without) the means to leave.

Oh well.

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I am one of 7.4 billion people on earth right now.  I can pull out the ‘bash me’ card and tell myself “How dare you complain when so many others have a life so much worse than yours?”

Yeah.  THAT is helpful!

NOT.

Wending.  Wending my way through life.  I share this process with everyone.

This wending process only happens one heartbeat at a time.  So what if my emotions are rocketing backward and forward in time “like nobody’s business?”

I CAN do this.  That’s probably all I need to know right now

because it seems to be all that I CAN know right now.

Life.  It’s a piece of work.

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And to me – always – the essence of the process is about this:

“Meditate on what the poet hath written: “Wonder not, if my Best-Beloved be closer to me than mine own self; wonder at this, that I, despite such nearness, should still be so far from Him.”… ”

Gleanings From the Writings of Bahá’u’lláh, Author:  Bahá’u’lláh, Source:  US Bahá’í Publishing Trust, 1990 pocket-size edition, Page:  185

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Here is my first book out in ebook format as it provides an outline of the conditions of my malevolent childhood.  Click here to view or purchase–

Story Without Words:  How Did Child Abuse Break My Mother?

It lists for $2.99 and can be read by Amazon Prime customers without charge.  A daring book – for daring readers – about a really tough subject.

++++

Tags: adult attachment disordersadult reactive attachment disorderanxiety disorders,borderline motherborderline personality disorderbrain developmentchild abuse,depression,derealizationdisorganized disoriented insecure attachment disorder,dissociation,dissociative identity disorderempathyinfant abusePosttraumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD),protective factorsPTSDresiliencyresiliency factorsrisk factorsshame

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Wednesday, August 24, 2016.  We live in a world governed by physical laws and forces.  For humans and other social species, attachment circuitry is primary.  It is core and central.

In struggling with the agony of separation from those I am closest to in the world, I was led yet again to view this video of Harry Harlow’s Studies on Dependency in Monkeys that clearly shows the essential nature of these processes.

I never had the chance to build safe and secure attachment systems into my body.  The psychotic abuse from Mother’s mental illness I received began at my birth.

I can imagine the FEELINGS the little monkey in this video was experiencing because I KNOW what I am feeling is very similar.  Exploration into the wider word, including playfulness, does not happen when attachment trauma is activated.  There is nothing present at those times other than the battle to survive, and the agony of craving a sense of being OK in the world.

To leaved my loved ones behind means that I am going against the ‘proximity seeking and fulfillment’ this video describes.  Because nothing in my earliest environment happened to create a ‘mobile attachment system’ that I could carry along with me in my essential, core physiology, what I end up with is the conflict over leaving at all – which I must do – which creates even more agony.

It strikes me that this is also a pattern that keeps people in abusive relationships, making it so hard to get away.  When we are stressed everything in us screams for attachment.  When the attachment harms, a negative spiral goes into motion.

In my case, the negative dis-attachment is to PLACE – to THIS place.  I cannot change who I am.  This is not my first run through the personally devastating experience of living in this place to which I am so incompatibly matched.  In my case, because my primary attachment was to nature, to the outdoors, to stillness and quiet and peacefulness that is impossible to find in a city, I am in a double-bind situation.

I know this!  But to accomplish what must happen in my life means that I cannot escape the agony created as these conflictual processes and the forces inherent in them nearly literally tear me apart.

This also makes me think of children who are being ‘torn apart’ through unstable parental relationships and their machinations.  This is why divorce and primary adult breakups are among the ACE parameters measured.

There are lots of ways to get your attachment-core messed up when you are a kid.  LOTS.

TALKING about these processes matters both in coping with them and in healing.  I imagine that’s why I am writing here today.  We need our WORDS when it comes to all that complicates our lives.  This never stops mattering!

PLEASE watch this!!

video of Harry Harlow’s Studies on Dependency in Monkeys

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NOTE:  It may be that in actuality insecure attachment disorders are known by the body to be a kind of ‘sickness’that is in itself an existing less than optimal condition.  Sickness activates the NEEDS that attachment is meant to eliminate.  Here comes the spiral!

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Leave a Comment »

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Here is my first book out in ebook format as it provides an outline of the conditions of my malevolent childhood.  Click here to view or purchase–

Story Without Words:  How Did Child Abuse Break My Mother?

It lists for $2.99 and can be read by Amazon Prime customers without charge.  A daring book – for daring readers – about a really tough subject.

++++

Tags: adult attachment disordersadult reactive attachment disorderanxiety disorders,borderline motherborderline personality disorderbrain developmentchild abuse,depression,derealizationdisorganized disoriented insecure attachment disorder,dissociation,dissociative identity disorderempathyinfant abusePosttraumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD),protective factorsPTSDresiliencyresiliency factorsrisk factorsshame