*Ages 31 – 32 – August 13, 1983 through January 22, 1984 Journal

Age 31 & 32 – Journal Start Aug. 13, 1983 thru Jan. 22, 1984

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December 28, 1983

Coming alive is a tenuous, delicate, natural thing.”

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August 13, 1983 Saturday

Sitting on the bank of the Mississippi River

A tumult of action

I have in my head

Pulling me always

Somewhere else

Than where I am

I feel so a part of civilization

And little of nature

It used to be the other way

Around

I can’t sit still in one place

Very long

I walk around in this body

Trapped

Like there’s something I want to remember

What?

Always afraid a bear’s coming out

For me

It is a beautiful, peaceful sight,

This river

There’s so much hustle and

Bustle around Fargo

To find a piece of myself

Even a small piece

To own

Like a precious gem

Or a unique shell

Found on a beach

And treasured

I know it won’t come all

At once

Maybe if I come back here again

Trusting

Patient

And not run too fast

In every direction

Until I decide

Choose

Know

Which way is right for me

Lisa says if we had $3000 cash

We could buy five acres

Next door to them

But how to live?

What work to do?

What of the future?

Just for the fun of it I

Could go look at that property

Renewal with nature

Sell the house in Glyndon

Buy that land

Put in a well

Septic tank

Driveway

Buy a small trailer

No more house payments

We could own our home

Slow down

Way down

Is there a way

To live cheaper?

So afraid of making a mistake

Having regrets.

Restless again

I’m going to come

Back here

Have to drive slowly

Daydreaming about my independence – at 32 am so dependent on Leo that I cannot get my own loan for $3000 to buy my own land.

Wouldn’t build a normal house – could live in 20’ x 20’ – poured concrete – bermed

Could maybe get a camp trailer –This is all probably more distraction for me.

Why buy land here if don’t plan to live here?  Ace in the hole – always have a place to come back to.

Eight years ago I wanted to come here to school.  Leo wanted Fargo.  I gave no argument.

Dreaming.  I could live in a strange house.  I’d like to – like nothing I’ve ever seen – I haven’t been and still am not attracted at all to normal houses.

Heating always a problem here.

I want to be able to dream with Leo.  I wish I could drive to Glyndon tonight –

11 PM – So, at 7 PM I left Hardee’s knowing I needed to come home to see Leo and girls.  At 7:30 I left and got here at 9:25.  No one’s here – don’t know where they are.  Kathy and girls stopped minutes after I got here so got to see her.  Feel a wall I don’t want there – me not wanting to feel pain when she leaves, so I push her away.

Talked to Marlin about maybe having coffee at Sher’s.  He’d promised lots of people he was gong to show up at AA roundup dance.  I was angry at him when I hung up.  It’s maybe easier to feel angry at him than anything else.  I’m being selfish, wanting to be important enough to him that he’d take an hour out for coffee.  Wanting to control him.  I can’t.  I do feel anger.

This house doesn’t feel like home to me.  Maybe like the oak rocker.  Don’t related to the rest of this stuff as being mine.  I haven’t since I left in March – 5 ½ months and still no connection with it all or the house.

October 3, 1983 Monday

14 years ago today I went into the Navy.  Today I am looking at my future like I could have then had I not been a victim and an addict.

I need to look at where I’ve been and start pulling this part of my life together.  My time at Counseling Associates will soon be at an end.  Where will I go from here?

Tonight I will call and check on the intensive offered by Anne Schaef October 19 – 23rd.  I would like to take a week off from my life here and go.  I would have to work out money and work for that week.

I believe an intensive would work out well.  I would like to bill the insurance company and go with CA’s knowledge and approval.

I called and there is an opening at the intensive.  I want to go.  I will talk to Sharon [therapist] about it on Wed.  I believe the intensive will help me.

October 24, 1983 Monday 11:30 PM

Back from the Intensive today.  Just called Leo.  I’m shaking inside and I’m going to spend time in a hot bath.  I feel tears behind my eyes.  The battle is on.  Like Leo says, this is the start of a new him.  I already see him using the kids against me.  Keep them in Glyndon as bait.  He says they need stability.  I say it may be Kay is OK in Glyndon and that Ramona and I could be together here.  I say the kids need to be asked.  He says he wants it his way.  I hear him saying that what they need and know they need doesn’t matter.  Smells like a divorce fight already.  He said if I’d told him 8 months ago I was leaving and taking the kids he’d have said fine (I think that’s a lie.)  Now he’s invested.

He says he’s scared of me.  I say anyone scared of a victim has got to be a wimp.  That word has him angry.  He’s angry.

How hard it is to trust process – to know what I know and feel what I feel and to let go and let HP.

Leo is angry I won’t give him a guarantee on the marriage.  I won’t.  I don’t believe there is one.  Even if I wanted to give him one.

Setting boundaries, then stand up for them.

November 23, 1983 Wednesday AM

I’m a brat when it comes to getting up in the morning – Keep changing the alarm ahead – today from 7 to 7:30 to 8.  I like to snuggle in my bed and stay warm.  Somehow this may be connected to those homesteading years – a reaction to scarcity of sleep and warmth.

Missing the girls and Leo.  I thought he was gong to call after 11 last night.  Maybe he fell asleep.  He didn’t call.  Something he said about Gateway North closing its financing.

November 25, 1983 Friday.

Spirit power

Greater than myself

Lead me in all

That I do

Not let me

Forget you.

May not one day

Go by

That I am not

Made

Consciously

Aware

Of your presence

I need you

To guide me

And keep connected

In line

With the Great Spirit

Of all things.

I have two sets of eye lids.  I need both sets open to see the world through the eyes of my spirit.  Doubt, faith, meaning, hope, love, light, love.  Electricity, what is it?  I want to read about electricity and the structure of atoms.

December 3, 1983 Saturday 7 PM

I don’t suppose anyone but an addict and a victim would sit all squished here on the bathroom floor smoking a cigarette with the door closed.  I don’t want smoke in my room I’m living in.  Too small and would get too stinky.  I’ve been sitting outside to smoke, but too cold.  Decided I’d smoke in here.  I wonder if my addiction will have me compromising my standards and smoking in the room.  I hope not.

I wanted to come home tonight.  A craving, almost.  I didn’t like moving this week.  It was hard.  I’m very glad to be out of the trailer.  [2009 note:  I moved into a rented room still in the town 130 miles from Glyndon where I went through treatment.]

I went to the sexual assault advocacy workshop today.  Sharon from CA was there.

I sure can’t find as many distractions in this small a place.  Need to learn to be manageable here.  Tiny fridge.  Terri loaned me a toaster oven.  Would like a hot plate.

I think I’ll leave my journal in here.  Something to do while I smoke.  Haven’t been writing in here lately.

December 4, 1983 Sunday AM

Leo called last night and said the dog got away.  Also his Toyota is dead and truck only gets 7 mpg.

Midnight – Well, I smoked in the room today when Rich was here.  Back in the bathroom with the fan on now.  Been writing on the paper towel today and will put in the file.  Made the decision to go home today.

I hope

I’m not running away

Spur of the moment decision

Almost

Process is a process does

Paying attention and respecting

What I know

My feelings, intuitions, feelings

I have the right

To change my mind

Be flexible

I want to be a chiropractor

I’m hungry again

Been hungry all day

Ever since I made the decision

December 5, 1983 Monday

What a brat.  Slept in until 11 AM.  Lots of sleep – too much sleep – depression?  I am not going to buy into all that again.  What I did was avoid talking to Norma.  I got up after she left [house owner].  None of my business, but I think she relates to her dog with more love and affection than she does people.

I wondered yesterday where I was with getting my period.  I have it today.  But that’s OK.  I am still me when I am menstruating.  It’s OK to be a woman.

December 9, 1983 Friday

Chaired my first open NA meeting tonight.   Leo came  up – to Perkins (later than I expected) and is there with Rich now.  I will need to do a lot of growing up and having to admit I’m not all together to make it at home and especially with Leo.

I have had trouble this week staying “here-now” and have been troubling (projecting) about what’ll happen “down there.”  I need to be around program people.  I like being at Perkins restaurant – knowing all these wonderful people.  I’ll be lonely for them I bet when I’m not here.  How to meet these needs at home?

Where will Leo sleep tonight?  I’m tired, it’s late – need to make him a spot before he gets back.

I am a strong woman

And I have a lot of power

To claim

To use

I don’t need to use other people

I can grow up

I can admit when I’m wrong

I don’t have to cling

To a man

I will always have

My Higher Power

I want to remember

That I am choosing

To return to my family

The best thing would be

To find some work

Where I could car-oppl to town

From Glyndon

Use your mind, Linda

But don’t abuse it

I like

To work with my hands

Chiropractors

Work

With their hands

In high school

I liked biology

And I was content

With B’s  (why break my neck for A’s?)

Steve [therapist]

I like your steady eyes

And the life in your voice

For a man

You’re not

Half

Bad.

I will not forget you

Or the love you kept giving me

Until

I

Could

Take it.

December 13, 1983 Tuesday

Shame – I shame myself

Do minds

Attract minds?

I want to be with my spirit

For my spirit to be with me

But to run to ends of the earth

Looking for that special contentment

I must find it

Build it

Within myself

Wherever I am

I am attracted to men

Who court the muse

Perhaps some men

Are courted by her

Does she court women?

If so

It must be

A different kind

Of courtship

Does “it” come from without

Or from

Within?

Creativity

Let me be all that I am.  I limit myself my own blocks stopping my process

Something blue and violet

Philosophy

We help calm each other

Rocking as babes

Soothing of the spirit

Igniting

Potential

Balance

Of all we have been

Creating out of chaos

Driven

Pulled

Melding of the inner worlds

Never quite possible

Naked,

Yet without passion

Lust

Longing

Reaching for those perfect

Moments

Perfection

Immaculate awe

Pulling it all together

Travel on the inner plane, wings of spirit, central eyes

Creating my own dance

Stifled

Bursting

Melting

Before I reach that peak

I’ve been there and it seems I lost it.

I don’t allow myself to remember

To be an Alaskan

Is no more than being human

I struggle so to regain

What I never

In reality

Had

Mostly I spend time

In discontent

Wanting to be more whole

Than I already

Am

I want to speak

Of the audience

“society”

take their inventory

rather than looking

at myself

my self

plain and simple

I am responsible

For what I do with my own

Gifts.

Reawaken

Memories

Bullshit

They are my truths

Men will never have water

Trickle down their legs

From their vagina

After they take a bath

That’s my experience

Imprinting

I have stopped apologizing

For being alive

Yet I yield to the temptation

The words not written

Mean as much –

More

Than those that are

It’s what I don’t say here

Have never said

That defines who I am

More than what I say

Keys to my own

Negative space

My own port hole

To my own

Right brain

My process will not end here

It will go on forever

I dream now when I am awake

It is a great gift

An unspeakable honor

To be a dreamer

To be a dreamer and a healer

And to remain humble at the

Same time

To awaken my spirit

To awaken my dreamer

And my tears

My rage

To give back my shame

To those it came from

I am responsible

For my own “bad” attitudes

(teeth knocked out)

To say

In enough ways

Will make no one hear

I have no control

Over my listeners

Kindred gliding

Wing tips touching

Miracles of life

Knowing songs

Pain forged in the same joys

For thse I long

We are kindred wings

Gliding songs

Forging hunger

Longing

Tears

There is nothing I can say

That hasn’t been said

Yet where I sleep tonight

There is just I

And therefore I

Am unique

Go to bed

The hell with surprises

I’ll deal with tomorrow

When it gets here

I am not grand

I am human

Yes

I am not proud

Or shy

I will ask you for a gift

Because I am not complete

At the same time

Neither are you

To be an artist

Is to do this

For myself

December 15, 1983 Wednesday

I have a wonderful husband who loves me very much.  And two beautiful children who like and love me.

He’d be all over me

Courting me

Bringing me roses

To be able to make choices

Healthy choices

He’s going to miss me

And think of me

And he just met me

Think of Leo who’s been with

Me for years – how much more

Terri says I don’t see what is loveable in me yet

I have such pretty eyes.

I balk at the idea of studying art in school.  I am an artist.  Being an artist, I have the spirit of an artist.  To express my soul, my spirit, to give that away.  To involve an audience, so they see more than what’s physically there.  To paint.  To write.

Mother Wit : A Feminist Guide to Psychic Development by Diane Mariechild

Girls – spend time on Thursday nights with them.

I’m antsy.  Ready to leave.  Do aftercare session at CA tomorrow.

There are temporary warm fuzzies and permanent warm fuzzies. Choice.

December 15, 1983 Thursday

I am so tired tonight.  Did a 3 hour aftercare with Sharon and Cathy today.  Started out with a lot of resistance, even though I wanted the plan and had asked for it.  It turned out neither of them knew I was gong home – let alone tomorrow.  I want to be with my family. I don’t want to be in Glyndon.  I’ve outgrown that little place.  After all the crazy decisions and things I’ve done using – crazy, my fear of moving 12 miles back into town.

I was pleased to see how my spirituality is available to me – the whole area of values.  Intimacy – realizing intimacy with many people in my life.

Sharon talked about how moving back into town would help with the problem I’ve had in the past with Leo depending on me too much and isolation.  I am isolated in Glyndon like I was on the homestead – spiritually, emotionally, physically, socially.  I was on the homestead, too.  I can make choices about that as an adult.

++

words

a way of life

for some

tough competition

there’s no me here

except for these words

accepting limitations

welcoming

what is

bring me roses in my dreams

frozen

blue-violet roses

like smoke

music

stillness

my spirit needs roses

spiritual sisters

spiritual brothers

we have no bodies

each has a petal

dream roses

silence

stillness

vapor rising

the unseen music

from your harp

December 16, 1983 Friday

My first day home.

I don’t know much about the muses but I assume them to be considered female.  As a woman, I would wonder if for us they are not male.  I would like to read the story about the muses.

December 17, 1983 Saturday

An idea like this could only come on a night of the full moon –

If we want to move to Moorhead, why not take the house with us?  Houses there are at least $10,000 more than here.

December 19, 1983 Monday

Stayed home all day.  Almost minus 30 degrees this morning – COLD – going to town tomorrow to chiropractor at 11:30

December 20, 1983 Tuesday

What about the woods woman in me?  How to take care of that part of me.  I’d like to work on this all becoming clearer.

How about Art Therapist?

Someone said in an AA meeting tonight that I’m shooting too low, like aiming at the top of a light pole when I should aim for the North Star.  Sobriety makes a difference.  More things possible.

Life as exciting.  Maybe beginning to see my way out of this conservative area.  I need to find a job somehow related to art or therapy or both.

As a victim I could never even think about gong to school in Brooklyn.  Too much crippling fear.  Today I can think about it.  I hear Kentucky is pretty.  I’d like to maybe teach someday.  Creativity specialist – art and process therapist.

December 24, 1983 Saturday

Finished the stain glass tree for Leo, actually done for Christmas.  It’s hanging in the dining room window.  With a big card that says I LOVE YOU.

Reasons to be home – to untangle the dog when Leo’s already in bed – he couldn’t get into his doghouse and was crying piteously.  He could have frozen to death – I gave him a dozen old buns.

To make sure relatives had gifts and that they were wrapped.  Didn’t spend much money.  Didn’t have it to spend.

To fill the wood box when Leo’s sick so he doesn’t have to go outdoors.

++

evolutionary changes

over time

our relationship stretches

from oblivion

forward

I can’t say

What you mean

To me.  I don’t know

How my life will be

When you’re not in it

I feel you avoiding

Our family

Are you avoiding everyone?

Yourself?

I could have given you

A hug today

I didn’t get up from the tree

You weren’t staying

Just passing through

I was avoiding

I didn’t talk to my mother

Today when she called

I felt prehistoric

Rage and fear

I avoided her

I’ve been avoiding touch lately

Keeping within my own boundaries

(I’m just finding them, defining them, from the inside out)

December 25, 1983 Sunday Christmas

I have four different journals now – my career dream journal, rainbow journal, day journal, dream journal.  Compartmentalizing.

Kay thinks our house is a dump – I reacted angrily – “If you want to live in a dump I’ll take you to one and you could live there.”  I feel guilty and ashamed I said that.

December 26, 1983 Monday at the Folks’ house

What do I need to write?  Feeling angry when I woke up this morning.  Leo talked in bed last night – about being in the cities at Christmas last year – our 100th month together – and 12 months from then ‘til now – how much has happened.  “Then in January my wife says she’s leaving.”  And he was taken by surprise.  Reminded me of what I’ve read about that being typical of men.  How they can ignore and deny what’s going on in a relationship and with their wife until everything blows and they shake their heads in amazement and disbelief.  Thought comes (right or wrong) that Leo may be fortunate that I returned.  Many women probably don’t.  (Also fortunate for me he’d have me back).

I almost feel like I short-circuited somehow – my fears, self-centeredness, etc. rising up.  Leo is not the whole reason I left – but how much was due to the marriage?

Leo is an excellent listener, but how much of what I tell him does he understand?  Where is the communication then?

I feel like I have to sneak to write here – like it’s not normal – like I’m weird.

Talking to Leo last night about life as a dance choreographer with the alphabet – each letter being a movement.  Each word being a greater movement.  All put together in differing patterns.  Each part of my life being a movement.  In dance – learning a step or a movement – after they’re learned and then rearranged and put together differently and resulting in different dances.

Leo wants to continue conversation on letters I wrote about commitments.  (Now I’m safe in the bathroom on the toilet writing with the bathroom scale on my lap as a table).

Commitment – when he mentioned it I felt scared.  Brings up issue of motives – “Whys?”  I’m working on commitments to myself.  Leo asked “in your after care?”  Yes.

December 28, 1983 Wednesday

Coming alive is a tenuous, delicate, natural thing.

Marriage as a candle.

I am separate from this candle.  So is Leo.  I can pick It up, move it around, blow it out.  I can protect its flame from drafts, from the danger of its light being no more.  The light from this marriage can help and comfort others.  It is a holy union.  God willing, it shall endure.  Others in marriage have their own candle.

Working on ourselves – ask God to make us willing and God heals and maintains the marriage.

Making love is something I had forgotten about.  I’ve been screwing and fucking and having sex.  It’s scary, yet exciting to think about learning to make love.  Being responsible for my own sex drive.

++

Yes, I’d like to sell this house.

People in the program provide a service for me:  some are the floor and some are the hand I am dribbled against.  Otherwise I go too low and too high.  They help keep me within healthy bounds.

Heard in the Hawley AA meeting tonight shrinks replace steps 2 and 3 with meds.

December 30, 1983 Friday 2 PM

Feeling isolated and alone

Create my own excitement

I need to be around people

Who already are excited

About who they are

And what they’re doing

Probably why I’ve hung around the U.

It’s time for me to begin work in color

Nobody to call

Nobody to talk to

Nobody to go see

No way to get there

All the shit in this house is driving me nuts

Too much of everything all over the place.

January 6, 1984 in Bemidji at T’s

I am self-centered.  Centered on self.  I have been dis-couraged, hopeless.

Thinking of suicide in playing with fire, too.  Walking too close to that wall separating life and death – trailing my fingers along it.

The meeting was good tonight.

Find something to do with my mind.

I feel safe here

Victim shit – nothing I do helps.  Or seems to – beating on myself.

++

Spent the night at Terri’s – waiting now for Rich to call and we’ll go for coffee.

Thinking about a half-way house – scary – maybe necessary.  Really only hard thing about it is being gone from the girls.  Also being in a city – would have to work on that.

Went for a walk this afternoon in the woods.  Remembering when I was a child – went out with Dad’s snow shoes.  It was cold.  I wanted to build a fire – independence – but my fingers were too cold and not enough matches.  Today I completed that circle – that Gestalt.  I built a fire in the snow to warm me, and I talked to my Higher Power.  Thought about the white bird in a golden cage.  Must fly6.  About my not fitting the role of wife and mother right now.  Too small, large a shoe for my foot.  Doesn’t fit.  I want to be a mother.  I’m not ready.  A real sadness in knowing I can’t parent my children right now – yet I still am.  Maybe not the standard way.  I would like my daughters to know they have choices.  Not live their lives automatically as I’ve lived mine.  Assumption that of course I would marry.  Of course I’d have kids.  Etc. etc. etc.

If the only thing I have in my life is my spirit, my HP and my sobriety – it is a lot.  Can I say it is enough?

Gary says he lived with fear for almost 2 years after sobering up.  Nothing would make it better except not using and in time the symptoms do go away.

At least dichotomous thinking allows for choice as at least there are 2 options and not only one – (which would = trapped!) when I was getting out of treatment I was aware that there were more than the 2 options I saw – staying in Bemidji or going home.  When Steve had me work on the top-dog – under-dog something seemed missing.  I thought of Anne saying there’s all kinds of tings in between two poles.

While I was home these last 3 weeks, an option I hadn’t even thought of came through my head.  ½ way house.  At first I thought “Oh no!  I can’t, won’t do that!”  Yet I’ve grown.  I know I can consider it.  If it’s what I need and what my HP wants it will happen.  I’ve been asking for willingness from my HP.

Big Book page 99 Gary read me about separated people when one in recovery should not rush back into the relationship.

Self-limiting.  I limit myself when I say “I can’t be with my daughters.”  I may not be with them physically.  I am with them spiritually, mentally and emotionally.  When I was using, I was there physically but that was all.

I do feel calmer now.  Right now.  I say it’s because I’m at someone else’s house – responsibility free.  But I am sober.  I’ve just come off one hell of a dry-drunk – emotional bender – I can’t afford to live like that.

[2009 note:  That sounds very limiting and damning to me now – what information were my emotions trying to tell me?  Did I hear them or simply shut them down somehow?  Certainly my insecure attachment disorder and child abuse related brain changes mean that emotional regulation does not happen for me in ordinary ways – but the emotions I have still contain information for me to pay attention to.]

Going home and I slipped.  Maybe didn’t use, but too damn close.

When I wonder about what I can give my girls I will always know that with God’s help (and their Dad’s) I gave them life.  For 7 of Ramona’s years and 12 of Kay’s I was with them the best way I could be.  Sometimes, like now, the best way is to be gone from them.

My house in Glyndon is the slippery place – in the progression of my disease and using anti-depressant meds.

My life is worth something – I am worth help – I can ask for it.  I am fighting for my life.

We bumble, stumble, tumble along doing the best we can by being more in-tune with God, my process, maybe I’ll learn faster – “when I sit on an ant-heap I get bit.”

[2009 note:  I now have trouble with the ‘slogans’ and ‘canned thinking’ – but I am also now nearly the twice the age I was when I wrote this.  I believe there was so much going on with me that was never addressed, the dissociation for example……which even now gets in the way of my being able to think clearly as I am transcribing these words so that I can ‘know what I know’ and say it, even now.  I was dealing with a difficult situation regarding my husband, children and future.  It would have been unnatural for me NOT to have had feelings about it all.  And disorganized-disoriented insecure attachment disorder was primary to my experience – and never identified or mentioned by anyone.  THAT ‘disorder’ was what I needed help with at this point.]

(Happy, joyous and free)

Goal is to be sober

Can’t afford dry-drunks – they lead swiftly into using and or death

Gary says I’ll be a damn good piss cutter, good piss mare – when a mare is working really hard and well, putting everything she’s got into it she can piss a long way (Gary getting hit in the face)

January 9, 1984 Monday

I’d rather not leave here ‘til I have some direction

January 10, 1984 Tuesday

Back at T’s.  Have diarrhea today.  Very tired.  Cleaned Lorna’s house today.  Two hour session with Steve and one at 11 with Cathy tomorrow and at 1:30 with Sharon.

Talked about the five voices:

Little girl Linda

14 year old Linda

addict Linda

Captain Nemo Linda

And me striving for integration.  I heard them all the last three weeks – listened to them while I drove up here Friday.

Steve says perhaps I haven’t let the little girl tell about what’s happened to her.  She cries “Help me, Somebody help me!”  He says I will not stay sober until I’m finished.  Leave a little mold in clean fridge and it multiplies.  Infection needs to be all the way cleaned out.  I’m not done.  There’s a lot of feelings left.  I need to dig in there and get them out.

[2009 note:  Nope, that’s not the way it works, and it is not possible to “dig in there and get them out.”  It is simply NOT POSSIBLE. It is possible to find recovery in spite of the dissociation.   I understand now that my dissociation is the way I AM in the world.  I cannot remake my brain and nervous system.  What I actually needed back then was for someone to help me understand what dissociation is, how it operates and teach me how to live with it.  It is as real and permanent as is the body I am l living in and with until the day I die.  Dissociation is a fact of my existence.  It is a permanent side effect of my having survived my mother’s 18 years of abuse of me.]

Steve [therapist] told me today he thought I needed to be a Christian.  I feel angry at that.  I believe I need to walk the way of my own faith, not his.

Trust and dependency issues – how could or can I trust?  I depended on my mother and she abused me.  Maybe she sexually abused me.  I need to deal with the feelings.  I trust Steve because he tells me he loves me.  No one else out there tells me that.  Dump the feelings and I won’t have to be so fragmented.

[2009 note:  Again, dissociation doesn’t work that way.  There is no way to ‘fix’ it.  In my case, the fragmentation I experience would better be described as having almost unlimited versions of myself – except they are all me, just me and nobody else’s versions.]

Steve said maybe I need to see a competent shrink to find out whether I need meds.  I don’t understand [2009 note:  He was so opposed to me taking them I had to detox off of them before I could even start his treatment program.  Was he beginning to understand that he really didn’t know what to do with me or what he WAS doing with me?]

Twenty more minutes and I can get a hold of Leo.  I need to be touched.  Steve says little girl Linda needs to be held.

I see here lost again in a dark place and she’s crying a lot and she wants someone to help her.

It’s not the “pushing back” I need to do (Steve says) against the pain.  Even the anger is covering the pain.

I have a mortal wound and I will die if I don’t heal the last of me hurting on the inside.  This last big searing red molten pain.  I know too much now – and I can’t keep it buried.  God please help me be willing.  Give me strength, courage and power.

[2009 note:  It is actually the truth that the pain I carry is beyond human ability to release.  Fortunately, dissociation prevents me from being overwhelmed by it, although sometimes I feel the pain to be nearly unbearable as it is.  But this kind of pain from severe child abuse cannot be erased.  It is a part of my body.  I am trying to learn how it is separate from ME, like I would see the pain of a broken bone as being separate from me (both being tied into Substance P actions in the body and brain – see +SUBSTANCE P – IT’S OUR BODY’S BIOLOGICAL LINK TO FEELING EMOTIONAL AND PHYSICAL PAIN).]

Looking in a mirror as one climbs a high and difficult peak it seems as though one is gong down.  In reality one is going up.  I’ve been down there.  Now I’m going up.

I had a relapse.  That’s OK.  I stopped therapy when 14 year old Linda showed up.

January 13, 1984 Friday AM

I’ve been doing a lot of hard work this week and I want/need to give myself credit.  I’ve been going to meetings, asking for willingness and open mindedness, talking to my sponsor, spending time with people in the program, reading the Big Book and going to therapy.  Trying to apply slogans, let go and trust my HP – reaching out to others – trying not to make decisions on my own.  Taking it easy, trying to be good to myself, sharing with others what’s going on with me.

Getting some gratitude back.

Trying to eat.

January 18, 1984 Wednesday

Pain over not being able to be with my girls.  I miss them a lot, and have to turn this over to the care of God.

I have no idea when and or how we’ll be together again.  On way to the meeting will sign releases to CA and they’ll mail the letters to the half-way houses.  God help me to be willing to look at that option as they come up.

After AA meeting – It was a 6th step meeting.  Heard about self-pity.  Maybe on a continuum with gratitude?  God, please remove my character defect of self-pity.

[2009 note:  I think severe abuse survivors need to be careful not to punish themselves for being human.  We need to allow more than disallow ourselves to be human and give our self permission to have feelings, thoughts, opinions and reactions to our life.  It becomes too easy to continue to blame our self – like I was in regard to self-pity here.  I was trying so hard to ‘get better’ and ‘be better’.  What about getting to know, loving and accepting myself for who I am?]

Thought about calling Leo.  A dependency.  I am fine and God’s providing for me here.  I so appreciate T’s help to me right now.  I know Leo likes to help me.  I need to help myself (with God’s help) right now.  I’m having B wake me at 7:30 to call the girls.

Thought tonight of at some point going home to see the girls and asking Leo not to be there.

January 22, 1984 Sunday

So many things I don’t know about in my life – where I need to let go and trust and have faith

Talked with Leo on phone. First time we’ve really talked since I left Jan. 6.  Our family = 4 people in 4 canoes going down the river tied together.  As children get older they untie their canoes and take off on their own.  Leo and I – our canoes – maybe I want and need to until mine for awhile.  There’s 122 miles of rope between them now.  Maybe we’re OK like this and we don’t need a divorce.  I am not going to make a decision about divorce until I’ve been sober 12-14 months.  Leo said he’s already got 3 ½ years of sobriety and he could file for divorce.  He said I’d have to make decisions then.  I said “No I won’t.  I just have to stay sober.”

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

At present, this is all I can bear of my journals.  Working with them led to today’s November 6, 2009 post

+THE POWER OF JOURNALING – ASKING A QUESTION THAT HAS AN ANSWER

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

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