*Age 57 – March 2009 (whole text) Astrological Reading About My Emotions

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2009 March Astrology Reading On My Emotions

Zane’s Page

Transcribed from tape of telephone consultation

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Or refer to individual sections:

MY DIFFERENT KIND OF LOGIC

MY FEELING DIFFERENT FROM OTHER PEOPLE

MY MARS AND JUPITER:  BEING A TEACHER

POTENTIAL AND PSYCHOLOGY

SUMMARY AND CONCLUSION

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MY EMOTIONS

Part of your chart when it comes to understanding your emotions and all the things that are connected with them is this Moon – Pluto conjunction [on top of, together with].  The key probably to understanding Moon – Pluto, we’ll have to break it down I guess.

You have the Moon in Leo, and the Moon in basically emotions and feelings and comfort zone and security and Leo ordinarily would be a Moon where you need a lot of response in order to express your feelings and you would receive comfort and feel secure by the feedback that you got from them.  It’s a very much interactive sign.  You don’t normally see a Moon in Leo person that would be like a hermit, for example, because there’s a need to express your feelings and have a response back.

[10-2009 Linda note:  Being a hermit is exactly what I am at this point in my life.  It has been hard for me to understand why this is.  Part of the severe abuse I experienced in my childhood was about being isolated A LOT.  I have know part of what I experience today comes from that.  But Zane is saying it is something more.]

With the conjunction to Pluto there’s an entirely deeper aspect to this because Moon conjunct Pluto shows that you have some very intense, very powerful emotions that are so deep that you can’t really share them.  The image that I get in my mind, have you ever heard the saying that an iceberg is mostly beneath the surface?  OK.  This is Moon conjunct Pluto.  In other words you have a depth of feeling that would probably amaze anybody who knows you if they were ever to find out just how deep your feelings are.

That’s problematic because your need with the Moon in Leo is to express the feelings, but there’s a lot of energy invested in keeping an element of, should we say, privacy here.  You can only show your true feelings to people that you trust, without any reservations.  So the more you trust somebody the more you would be able to show your feelings, but it’s very difficult to imagine a situation where you could trust somebody so totally that you open up completely.

So you have this vast reserve, and part of it has to do with the abuse.

You have the abusive childhood which is where a lot of this comes from.  You’ve got feelings swirling around in there of hurt, anger, of anger, pain and stuff like that and this is if nothing else one of the main reasons why there is such an issue with trust and why you can’t just open up and express yourself with just anybody, and least of all in any kind of a casual situation.

But a lot of the confusion comes from the fact that this is all focused in the 11th house and you have Aquarius on the 5th house and it’s kind of like an inversion here.  All of your signs are kind of like on the reversed houses.  That’s what happens when you have Libra rising.  So you have Leo on the house that is home for Aquarius, Aquarius on the house that’s home for Leo, and when a person has a Libra rising their on this world in this lifetime for the purpose of interacting with other people.  Your whole destiny, your whole focus is to work with other people, interact with other people.  And with Uranus and the top of the chart, which is one of the two rulers of Aquarius, you have a need to bring about change.

All right, so the 11th house is the house not just of friends and acquaintances and groups and stuff like that which is what you read most commonly, but it’s also the house of what we do after a success, what we do after a failure, and what we choose to do next.  Everything in the 11th house is acutely aware of each success and each failure and stirs the person to go further.

Some people with a strong 11th house become so wrapped up in some kind of group situation so that they can lose themselves in it and lose their sense of who they are because it’s easiest to do that.  But with your chart that would be the equivalent of kind of like a living death to lose your self.

So not only do you have this powerful need with Uranus in the 10th house to bring about change of some kind, but with the strong emphasis on the 11th house your kind of instinctual, emotional reaction – you take failures extremely personally, you are very much in tune with shall we say the people around you and what they’re going through, their successes, their failures and their sufferings.

And then you have Saturn and I say this because no matter how accurate our data is for our birth it’s possible we may be off a minute or two because we don’t know if somebody looked at the clock at the exact moment you were born or at the next available moment or something like that.  But you have Saturn in the 12th [house] but it’s conjunct the ascendant.  So for all intents and purposes you have Saturn conjunct the ascendant.

Saturn is basically the planet that says, “This is what is right.  This is what is just.  This is what is fair.”  You have a very powerful need to see, shall we say, justice done, to see that injustices are righted, wrongs are righted.  So you have the two planets that rule Aquarius, Uranus and Saturn, are so strong in your chart – one being at the top and one being on the ascendant that in a lot of ways you are almost like an Aquarian yourself.

The 5th house is not the house of hopes and wishes as you mentioned.  The 11th house is the house of hopes and wishes.  The 5th house is creativity and self expression.  And the correlation between the 5th and the 11th is in the 5th house a person does something, with the 11th house of “I hope I get such and such response from what I do in the 5th house.”

So the two houses are interconnected.  You can’t have one without the other any more than you can have a car with the right tire going in a different direction than the left one on the same axle.  They are interconnected.  So your 5th house says that your greatest self expression comes through Aquarian things which is trying to bring about some kind of change, trying to move into the future, but especially breaking free from any kind of chains, any kind of restrictions, things like that.  So the rulers of your 5th house are very strong, again Saturn and Uranus, so you need to be doing things where you’re actively trying to create new ways for people to deal with their problems.  You need to actively express yourself as an individual.

With all of the Leo in the 11th house you need to interact with groups of people, with a lot of people.  The energy that is buried inside you with all of your deep emotions that I mentioned in the beginning is a potential energy that can stir you into helping a lot of other people.  Basically, the way I see it, you can’t really free up any frozen energy if you focus simply on yourself.  It is freed up when you tap your memories of what happened to you on an emotional level and use that to help other people who have problems.

Now you have that strong 12th house so basically in addition to the 11th house being strong the house that follows it is also strong.  And again, the 12th house you see all sorts of negative connotations but a lot of people don’t realize that the 12th house is the rewards one gets from helping other people.

Have you ever heard of an astrologer by the name of Dean Rudger {spelling?}?  He’s a very well renowned astrologer and wrote many, many books and unfortunately he’s passed on.  But to give you an idea of the 12th house one of the things that he said was that you find people with a strong 12th house are those that win, for example, the Nobel Prize, because there is an acute awareness how things will end and also an acute awareness of the sufferings of other people and wanting to find a way to help other people with their sufferings.

What you’ve got, Linda, is you’ve got in this life, and this is of course if you believe in reincarnation or not the only life we can focus on is the one we’re living in, in this life you’re at your best and you have the greatest release of your abilities when you are working to help other people to deal with any kind of problems.  You’re at your best when you can help people to deal with their own pain or to help free people from restrictive situations.  So you need to be basically always kind of shall we say a proactive person.

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MY DIFFERENT KIND OF LOGIC

You wrote in your notes to me about the chaos of your childhood.  As you may know you may know Neptune [in my 1st house] is the god of chaos so to speak.  All right, so you have Neptune rising which means that you see your immediate world through a Neptunian stained glass, shall we say.  Nobody sees the world as it really is.  We all see it through our own little subjective perceptions.  It’s just the way we’re built.  So you have that Neptunian influence over your immediate world and it’s chaos but it’s — chaos has the potential of being so much more because chaos simply means there is no structure.

There is a vast, if you can just close your eyes for a moment and just imagine a vast sea of potential where anything is possible.  And we draw upon this sea for creativity.  We draw upon this sea for inspiration, for spiritual, it’s basically anything and everything can be drawn from here.  This is the universal storage battery for creative energy, so to speak.

So what was a negative when you were growing up in this chaos around you, because when a person is growing up they need structure in order to make sense of the world and you didn’t have that.  Now as an adult you have, with that Saturn on the ascendant you have a very strong need to make sense out of things, but that Neptune is still there meaning that you can’t do it unless you can stop trying to fit things into any kind of small orderly structure and think in more universal way.

You’re here on earth therefore you’ve got a body and stuff but you’re part of something much bigger and you’re part of the universe and you need to develop a more, shall we say, a universal consciousness, a universal awareness.  You’re not going to be able to really make sense of reality by trying to use earthly analytical abilities and just —-  2 and 2 make 4 only on a smaller scale.  On a larger scale that whole analytical system just kind of falls short.  Logic only works with the data that is available to it.

So if I say I have this bit of information and this bit of information and put the two bits of information together and I come to a conclusion, and then down the road a third bit of information comes and it totally throws my original conclusion off completely because it changes everything.  Instead of having two things I have three, and that changes the dynamics.

So logic only works with a very limited reality.  What you have and what you need to be able to tap is an awareness of a kind of a super logic that is bigger, that is a much more universal, that things make sense in a more universal perspective that might not make sense in the, shall we say, the day to day nuts and bolts world.

So to put this in another way, in order for you to survive in the chaotic realm that you grew up in you had to find an alternate way to deal with the information that you had, you had to find an alternate way to see the universe otherwise you would have ceased to exist.  And what was then a survival technique for you, instead of now being a negative has the potential of being a very positive, in that you can step back and see everything from this alternate perspective.

Where you are going to run into problems is if you try to just do things the way other people do, try to fit into any kind of a society’s way of thinking or expected way of thinking.  You are unique individual and you see things from a unique perspective and it is not a negative.  The negative comes from trying to be like other people, trying to see things the way other people do.  You don’t have to.

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MY FEELING DIFFERENT FROM OTHER PEOPLE

Here’s the thing.  Everybody, I don’t care who they are, is basically on some kind of deep level made out of the same stuff.  And we wear different clothes, we have parts of our personality emphasized, one person may be much more outgoing, one person may be much more reserved but it’s all the same raw elements that each person is made up of.  These people that you don’t understand, they’re also you.  You are not seeing yourself as a person.  You don’t see yourself like these other people.  You don’t understand them because you don’t allow yourself to see yourself.

In order for you to be able to understand other people you need to deal with who you are.  You need to accept the fact that you are a person.  So is the person you are talking to, so is the person down the street.  That you’re all basically the same.  Different arrangement of parts, different focus perhaps, but everybody has varying degrees of woundedness.

You’ve got a very intense one, a very deep one and it’s extremely difficult for you to bear the pain, but these people that you just don’t understand, they also have pain, and they also are interacting with other people with a certain amount of dissociation.  So one of the first things that you need to do in order to be able to resolve this apparent dichotomy is to accept the fact that we are all bent, we are all broken in some respect, that it’s a matter of degree rather than anything else.

That your personal woundedness, as overpowering as it has been for you at times, is not different than what other people are going through.  You have a common bond in that everybody has been hurt.  And once you can get past the concept of you being different – and that’s what it is.  We feel our own pain obviously more than we feel anybody else’s, and I remember, not to make light of it but I’m going to use an example, I remember years ago I had a friend who was a little bit drunk, and I was trying to say to him, “You know I know exactly how you feel.”  And he said [whining], “Nobody knows how I feel.”

And this is basically, this is something that we do feel, that nobody has been through the hell we’ve been through.  Nobody has the slightest understanding of what exactly it’s like to be me.  But that’s not true.  And when you can bring your consciousness to the awareness that these people that you don’t understand are no less, no more whole than you are, they’re not above you, they’re not alien life forms, they’re just like you.

This is the 11th house thing.  The connection with groups, with people.  With identification with just how we are connected to people.  And with your Pluto in the 11th house your connection to other people is through your woundedness, through your need to deal with this intense – let me start that sentence over again.  Where Pluto is usually somewhere where we have been robbed, either on purpose or unintentionally, of some power and control over our own life.  And where we spend our lives trying to figure out how to reclaim our power.

Your focus, your reclaiming will only come by getting it through your consciousness that you share a pain that is human.  People have been abused in different ways but everybody has gone through some kind of abuse.  People have dissociation because their life just did not make sense and they had to try to make sense out of it.  We’ve all gone through this.

So I guess what I’m getting at here is that in order for you to put all the pieces  together you first have to let go of the idea that your situation makes you different from everybody else.  It doesn’t.  Maybe your specific pain is not identical to somebody else’s, but you have a shared wound.

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MY MARS AND JUPITER:  BEING A TEACHER

[I asked him about my planet Mars placement being very close in the 11th house to both my Moon and my Pluto.]

Mars luckily is nowhere the Moon and Pluto.  [I laughed – “Well, it’s in the same house.]  Well, yes [a different room entirely]  Yes, my daughter shares my apartment with me but we live in different rooms, I understand.  [Me:  “It has to be related if it’s in the 11th, right though?]  Yes.  But see if you look at your chart your Mars doesn’t go through the same kind of duress.  Mars to Pluto, that 12 degrees.  That’s barely a connection.  I don’t usually use 12 degrees for anything other than the Sun or Moon.  So I don’t see that as conjunction.

You have Mars trine to your Jupiter.  And that’s the main aspect that your Mars makes, trine to your Jupiter, and Jupiter is in Aries so there’s a bond there because not only is Mars trine your Jupiter but Jupiter is in Mar’s sign.  And Mars is how we choose to attack problems.  It is the assertive part of our personality; it is what we use to cut away things.  It is what we use to – anything where we need to take and action, that’s Mars.

And Mars in the 11th house is a very good place for taking any kind of action that involves – let’s see, how can I put this – involves overcoming limitations of any kind.  See the 11th house has with it that same kind of             quality that Aquarius does of wanting to go beyond.  The 11th house says, “Well, OK, what’s the next step?  What’s the next thing we need to do.  OK, we’ve done this, what do we do next?”  So Mars in the 11th house gives you a good ability to know what to do next, basically.  OK, this has been done, all right, let’s do, let’s open the next page of the book, let’s start another chapter.

It is not the position of the person who starts the like the pioneer, the person who does something nobody – it’s not the old Star Trek “to go where no one has ever gone before.”  It’s more OK, what do we do now that the pathway is opened where do we go next.  So your Mars is trine your Jupiter, and Jupiter is in the 7th house.  And 7th house is, as you may know, is any kind of interaction with a person on a one-to-one level.  In the same way that the 11th house is groups of people, and the interaction with a lot of people, the 7th house is interaction with one person.  It’s a wife, a house of partnerships and marriage, but it’s any kind of one-to-one interaction.

And with Jupiter, Jupiter is the planet of teaching, it’s the planet of expanding horizons, it’s the planet of saying, “OK, let’s take this and run with it.”  With Jupiter in the 7th house you have the ability to teach people on a one-to-one basis.  You also have the ability to help people to expand upon what they’re doing, to expand upon a theme, shall we say.  So with the connection between Mars in the 11th and Jupiter in the 7th house, it shows that you have the ability to both work on things dealing with groups of people but also on a one-to-one level.

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POTENTIAL AND PSYCHOLOGY

What I wanted to bring up, have you ever looked at the life of Mozart, Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart?  [Me:  I think I saw the movie, laughs.]  Well, basically this person was another Moon conjunct Pluto person.  And the reason I bring him up is that what he did with his magnificent great compositions he could not have done so if he didn’t have this extremely rich emotional life.  As difficult as it is for you to deal with in the world that we live in, that Moon conjunct Pluto has given you a very, a wealth to draw upon.  And, you know, obviously I’m not saying that Moon conjunct Pluto means that you should go compose music, but the point being that Pluto in mythology, one aspect of him was that he was the god of buried riches.

And what it comes down to is that Moon – Pluto has probably some of the greatest potential for you to tap.  [end tape side one]

The key to putting all this together in my mind, the key to trying to make sense of all this and to get all the different parts of your chart together, is to first of all you need to clear out the lies that were buried along with everything else in your unconsciousness.  And the number one lie that comes with an abuse situation is that there’s something wrong with you.

OK.  Now.  Anything that is wrong with you was because something was imposed on you by external.  There’s nothing, absolutely nothing inherently wrong with you.  You are not a defective piece of merchandise.  When you were born there was absolutely nothing wrong with you.  And what it comes down to is there is a part of you that still believes or accepts that lie that you’re defective, that there’s something wrong with you.  And as long as you keep letting that dictate to you then you’re not going to be able to overcome this feeling of separateness, separation.  And you’re, again, going to need to feel like withdrawing into a cave whenever you can to get away.

So the way that I see this, and the way that I see the progression that you need to do in order to be able to deal with everything is (1) you’ve got to, no matter how you have to do it, you have to convince yourself of the truth that there’s nothing wrong with YOU.  You’re not defective.

You may have learned, and when I say learned I don’t mean you personally took it upon yourself to learn, I mean there are things you may have learned defective social skills because of that environment.

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[10-2009 Linda note:  It is at this point in the reading that my internal ‘radar’ begins to detect a so-called ‘psychological’ rather than strictly astrological bent to the reading takes place.  I know from my own research and understanding that because the pervasive and severe abuse I experienced began at birth, these experiences literally physically built themselves into my growing and developing body-brain-mind  That’s an entirely different level and kind of ‘learning’..

It then becomes an entirely different kind of process to change anything about who we are coming from those kinds of early abuse experiences.  Zane goes on to talk about his abuse experiences with his father.  It sounds like the experiences that harmed him were not with his mother.  It is particularly when the MOTHER harms the developing tiny child that the permanent and physiological changes take place, and recovering from them is much, much, much different and more difficult than it is to recover from ‘later’ abuse that does not involve the earliest primary caregiver’s abuse.

In general I prefer astrological readings that do not take this turn toward the psychological, but I understand the intention of the reader is the same – to be of helpful assistance, and I appreciate that.  I just hear and think about the psychological information with a huge “grain of salt”.  While those of us who were ‘changed’ by early attachment deprivations and malevolent treatment are not ‘defective,’ we are different and we are changed.  There’s a fine and extremely critical line here.  So-called ‘social skills’ are built directly into the structure and operation of an infant’s right, emotional, social limbic brain, and those changes are permanent.  We can come to understand what those changes are and how they affect us so that we can find ways to become more ‘ordinary’ in our actions, but our brains will never, themselves, magically turn into ‘ordinary’ brains.  In many ways I consider these changes to create dis-abilities for us as we grow up to live in a world that is dominated by ‘ordinary’ safe and securely attached people.  These issues HAVE to be considered in recovery.  It becomes a sort of sorting out process for us to honestly try to understand what our earliest attachment relationships were like so that we can understand what they did to us.

Zane is not addressing these issues in the rest of the reading, which would leave me inwardly very confused and chasing ‘dead ends’ of useless information if I didn’t already know what I know about myself, my early abuse in particular, and what it did to alter my body-brain-mind.  These changes I experiences cannot simply be identified and ‘pulled out and discarded’ on any level.  They are built into the physiological operation of who I am in this body, with this brain.  I can make changes, yes, but only realistically possible ones based upon the truth and the facts.]

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But the person who has those skills is not defective.

[Me:  yes – but – changed.  I ended up being an evolutionarily altered person from my early abuse, especially.  Zane did not.  For those of us raised with abuse from birth it is critical that we understand that while we are not ‘defective’ we are ‘different’ in ways that people who did NOT experience early caregiver abuse probably can never understand or grasp – especially if they are not willing to listen to us tell them what our experience is really like.]

You’ve got to separate the “I am” from “what I do.”

[Me:  Again, yes – but – what the early abuse did to me changed how my “I am” developed from the start.]

You’ve got to learn how to basically give the person inside of you acceptance and love, you have to have that child inside you feel loved.

[Me:  Again, yes – but – what the early abuse did to me changed the ‘person inside of’ me from the start.  Yes, acceptance and love is required, but we have to be discerning here.  I have NEVER bought the idea that there’s any kind of a ‘child inside’ of me.  That is, to me, a ridiculous concept.  My body-brain developed from childhood onward, and the adult me I am today is IT.  There’s no ‘child’ inside of me unless it’s a dissociated part of my self that unfortunately remained isolated and cut-off from the rest of me – which IS exactly what has been happening my whole entire life.]

Learn that there’s nothing wrong with you.  You’ve got to teach yourself that.

[Me:  Again, yes – but – what the early abuse did to me changed how my “I” developed from the start.  Without the abuse, “I” would be different than I now am.  We cannot assume that the kind of early abuse that changes a person can magically be reversed in adulthood so that we can magically BE as we would have been had the abuse never happened at all.]

Then along with that you need to also progress to an “I see everybody else is also in the same boat.”

[Me:  Again, yes – but – what the early abuse does to some of us is NOT the same as what happens to ‘everybody else’.  We are changed, and are not the same as they are.  THEY assume that we are.  THEY have always assumed that everyone is the same.  That is because THEY had early experiences that are meant to be ‘ordinary’ and ‘normal’.  It is time to understand that there are a lot of us that never had that advantage from the start.]

So that’s how you’ve got to get these pieces to come together.  Now once you can say to yourself, “You know, there is nothing wrong with me.”  And you can actually say it, it’s not just words but you can actually believe it, you are going to find that exponentially everything starts falling into place.

[Me:  Again, yes – but – early abuse DID change me.  I need to know that piece, also, and understand that while the changes and adaptations that my body-brain-mind DID make were required for my survival.  They are, therefore, a good thing because these changes were useful.  But I have to know how a ‘malevolent childhood’ brain IS – what happened to me to make me not WRONG but DIFFERENT.  I refuse any longer to accept well-intentioned but erroneous information about WHO and HOW I am in the world.  No matter how well-intentioned, the wrong information will not help me in the end to achieve a better quality of life and increased well-being.]

You’re going to, there’s lots of different ways to do this.  One of my favorite psychologists [me:  see, he is identifying ‘psychology’ here.  Psychology is different that ‘pure’ astrology.  The former uses human concepts in an attempt to understand while astrology uses what appears in the actual charts to describe what the influences are on a person in their life from the bigger picture’s point of view.] was a gentleman by the name of Fritz Perls.  And he developed something called Transactional Analysis [TA].

One of the tools of Transactional Analysis is to set up two chairs.  You sit in one, face the other one and imagine whoever it was that was the cause of abuse, putting that person in the other chair.  And then basically telling them off.  I mean, telling them exactly how you feel.  The amount of anger and hurt you have, it’s scary.  It’s almost like you’re afraid that if you let it loose it can be the equivalent of a nuclear explosion and destroy everything in your path, and I understand that.  But if this person is in the chair and they are not really there, then you can let the full, let it all out.  You can tell them exactly how you feel.  You can just release as though they were there and even if it was enough to kill the real person there’s nobody really there.  It’s a virtual person.

So this is one technique to actually let the person or people who, you know, caused you the abuse, to let them have it, speak your mind, to vent, to tell them everything that you would have liked to have said, tell them how they made you feel.  Just – I’m getting emotional just thinking about it.

So, that’s something you MAY want to do.  If you’re not comfortable with that, then you may actually want to consider seeking a counselor of some kind to help you to deal with the – [I interjected:  “I’ve done that over the years and I’ve reached a point where you can help me far more than they can.]

[10-2009 Linda note:  I would never recommend that anyone try what Zane is suggesting without the wisdom of using extreme caution – or consulting a professional if severe abuse is in your history.]

OK.

[me:  “I need to ask a question.  I think I told you in the beginning the particular for my mother’s psychosis took, and I suspect that somewhere in the chart, or certainly it’s supported for whatever reason because we were dying in childbirth she thought the devil sent me to kill her, and because we survived it her psychosis was that I was not human and that I was the devil’s child.  So, from birth everything about me came from that place.”]

Yeah, and you’re basically, you’re feelings of being defective, of there being something wrong with you, that’s obvious that is where it comes from.  Anyways, go ahead….

[me:  “Well, that’s sort of the whole foundation so I don’t know how good and evil, I don’t understand good and evil, but how that plays out —  I mean, Pluto isn’t anything to do with evil even though he’s somewhat connected to the underworld, right?”]

All right.  It’s not that Pluto is evil in any shape or form.  It is that Pluto is connected to the dark side, it’s all the stuff that we bury.  It’s all the stuff that we don’t feel comfortable dealing with.  It’s all the stuff that we don’t bring out in the light of day because we’re afraid it might be too ugly to look at.  Pluto is that stuff that we have difficulty dealing with consciously, so it’s pushed down.

[me:  “Yeah, that’s what her psychosis really was, that kind of projection in her very, very damaged mind that took everything that she had somehow understood about herself in childhood was bad and put it, projected it onto me, so it had to be a Pluto thing between my mom and I.”]

Yeah, right, and you know short of doing your mother’s chart, which that would be a whole other thing, but the point being that your mother’s bent way of looking at things gave you a bent self image.

[10-2009 Linda note:  Yes.  It did, and I can attempt to ‘work on’ improving that – along with using the ‘changed body-brain-mind-self’ information, as well.]

But while we can never remove the wounds we can heal from their control over us.  You – OK – Intellectually you know about your mother’s problems.  Intellectually you know that you’re not the devil’s child.  What you need to do is you need to get the child inside of you to accept that.  The part of you that’s still recoiling in terror from your mother, the part of you that still reacts to any kind of buttons that get pushed.  You’re not going to have any kind of, obviously, you know this kind of – considering you’ve spent a lifetime trying to deal with this – you know no matter what I say there’s not going to be an over night change.

But, you need to be able to like yourself.  And you can’t like yourself as long as there’s a part of you that’s cowering in terror with that mother in your head.

[10-2009 Linda note:  My interactions with the ‘mother in my head’ formed the way my brain and my nervous system operate.  Terror, fear, like all emotions, actually connects to our nervous system, the ‘set point’ for our internal states of equilibrium and dysequilibrium – we need to understand that the level of ‘problems’ that Zane is referring to became reflected in actual, very real, physiological changes in my little developing body that will affect me for the rest of my life.  That does not mean that I can’t work to change – on the ‘tip of the iceberg’ level, some of what Zane is talking about.  These ‘tip of the iceberg’ changes can and will have a ‘trickle down’ affect on my physiological body – but true reality for those of us severely abused especially by Mean Mothers must be fully taken into account for our recovery to make sense and be a positive experience of applied effort.  If we want miracles, let’s be clear about that….]

Because you carry her around with you, unless you give that inner child the strokes that it needs and the comfort that it needs, you can keep that mother with you – you know – is your mother still alive?  [me:  no] – OK, I mean she’s had such an impact on you that she’s with you every waking moment and probably your sleeping moments.  And she’s already passed on.  So it’s her legacy that she left you, but it’s in your head.

[10-2009 Linda note:  RIGHT, it’s in my head!  We can never believe that just because an infant pops out of its mother’s body her influence and impact on its further development out of the womb, during the first critical body and brain developmental stages of an infant, is not equally as profound and permanent as are the developmental influences that mother had on her infant while it was inside of her body!!  OF COURSE the impact of a mother’s treatment of her infant remains with her offspring ever waking and sleeping moment of its entire life!]

She’s not there any more.

[10-2009 Linda note:  Yes, she is.  All early infant caregivers leave their big adult footprint in the body-brain of the infant that has been under their care during its critical developmental stages.  That’s what happens in early development!  Our early development, including the expression of our genetic potential and the creation of our brain and nervous system, is an interactional event.]

That’s one of the reasons why I suggested the idea of you know actually — because when you allow that little child within you to speak through your mouth and tell that woman without fear of repercussion exactly how you’re feeling – it empowers you.  It will give you more strength that you can imagine because that child of you has never really had the opportunity to do that.

[10-2009 Linda note:  Part of what happened to my developing brain as a result of my mother’s early and continued severe abuse of me was the establishment of dissociational patterns in the way my brain-mind-nervous system operates.  When I went into intensive therapy in 1983 specifically to deal with my severe abuse, at one point my therapist did try this ‘putting people in the chair’ routine.  What happened was not healing.  What happened was that I experienced very clearly and profoundly how my dissociational patterns operate in my brain.  I have never forgotten THAT part of the experience, but I know enough to believe that a person has to be extremely careful of this kind of technique if they have any POSSIBLE history of severe early abuse.  It can be dangerous to our well-being.

What Zane goes on to describe to me next was his own experience with this technique regarding his father.  I see that as being an entirely different kind of process for someone whose early maternal caregiver experiences allowed them to form a body-brain-mind under far more ‘ordinary’ conditions than did mine.]

I had a slightly different type of abusive situation.

[10-2009 Linda note:  Read “very different,” not “slightly different.”]

But I understand just to give you a parallel, my father had his Pluto at 26 degrees Gemini.  I have my Sun at 26 Gemini.  So I spent my entire life with my father’s Pluto on my Sun.

I did not start getting out from under his influence until after he died and I finally had the courage to tell him off.  Different situations but it’s the same…..

[10-2009 Linda note:  No, not the “same” for reasons described above.]

Basically, you’ve got to take charge and you’ve got to stop having her control you.  In one way or another, you’re the same age as I am basically, and at your age it’s time for you to kick your mother out.  [again, see above].  Basically.

We have a strange situation because everything in our society, for example in religion, we’re trained to honor your mother and father.  OK?  And so you have this thing going against you and it says if you dishonor your mother then you’re a bad person.  That would be all well and good if the mother was a person that was worthy of being honored.  But you’ve got a situation where honoring your mother is in effect dishonoring yourself.

It’s just very hard without the proper encouragement for people to really accept the truth about their parents sometimes on a conscious level and on an emotional level.  You can give it lip service but there’s a part of you that, “No, I can’t go there.  I’ll be a bad person if I go there.”  That’s not true…..

I reached a point where I realized that there were a couple of qualities that my father had that I am glad I inherited, but they were not his behavior.  They were abilities that my father had that I inherited genetically.  So, I can’t think of a single quality that I got from my father that I’m glad I got from his bent perspective.  But I’m glad I got some of his genes.

I look in the mirror and I say, “You know, OK, so this is what my mother saw, huh?”  My mother fell head over heels for my father on sight the day she saw him for the first time, and I’ve grown to be like him, so, OK, so maybe my father wasn’t all bad.  Maybe he was handsome.

Is there anything more specific that you’d like to ask me?

++++

SUMMARY AND CONCLUSION

People who have Moon conjunct Pluto and people who have Moon in Scorpio, you have that in common.  Your potential, the feeling of if you actually let it out is that you could just totally devastate everything and everyone around you.  You know, you feel so powerful that you have to be non powerful in order not to hurt anybody.  You feel so capable of hurting other people if you let it out that you have to bury it so you don’t hurt anybody.  And therefore you have to almost emotionally castrate yourself in order to avoid doing damage.

And just think of how much power that says on some level you think you have.  And when you think about it, that comes back to this mother who accused you in her way of you being the devil’s child.  You’re human.  You couldn’t, you know, you’re not capable of creating the Armageddon.  You’re not, what’s that – a female Damien.  You’re not going to bring on the end of the world.

You don’t have the power that your mother felt you had.  You don’t.  So you’re not, by getting in touch with your feelings and by letting it out, you’re not going to destroy the universe.  You’re not going to self destruct [me:  There sure are times this is exactly what I feel like!]  You’re not.  The fear of what can happen if you do is based on your mother’s fears and it’s not a truism.

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Return to whole text of March 2009 Astrological reading about my emotions

Or refer to individual sections:

MY EMOTIONS

MY DIFFERENT KIND OF LOGIC

MY FEELING DIFFERENT FROM OTHER PEOPLE

MY MARS AND JUPITER:  BEING A TEACHER

POTENTIAL AND PSYCHOLOGY

SUMMARY AND CONCLUSION

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Post October 27, 2009 that relates to this page:

+’RED HIGH ALERT’ EMOTIONS AND ASSISTANCE FROM ASTROLOGY

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