*Age 30 – Journal from May 1982 through August 1982

*Age 30 – Journal May 1982 through August 1982

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May 8, 1982 Saturday

Hello!  It’s been awhile since I’ve written in here.  It’s late, and Leo is sleeping, as are girls.  We paid off the water bed last night.  I have fear that I still won’t be comfortable having a man in bed with me.  I do like sleeping alone.  I hope, as a king is a larger bed, that there’ll be more room and crowding won’t be a problem (though snoring might be).  Also the ‘dip’ shouldn’t be there any more.

Leo took me out last night.  We went to Paradiso and to move “Chariots of Fire” about the 1924 Olympics and two runners.  (Leo’s not asleep, I guess he just asked me if I was studying.  I said no, but didn’t want to say I was writing in my diary).

Started working on my term paper today on wolverines.  Have a long way to go.  Also need to read for counseling class, make 15 minute tape of an interview and do workbook by Monday.

There are two weeks left and then finals – soooo.

At group last Wed. Tiedeman shared that she’s leaving in July and I felt bad.  She’s been hired by Ann Wilson Schaef to go to [Bainbridge Island] Washington.

I still have trouble with feelings.  Don’t feel as I love Leo the way I “should.”  Can get into a real guilt trip there, but I won’t.

We went to town this evening and bought strawberries at 99 cents a quart.  Kay loves them and Ramona will only eat them dried.

Our weather is cooler again – lows in 40’s, highs in 50’s and 60’s.  The tulips have started to bloom, though, and mowed lawn today for the first time.

May 13, 1982 Thursday

We had the king size water bed delivered yesterday – I slept on it last night, Leo and I both will tonight and see how it feels.  Tomorrow at 2 PM we go to see Tiedeman and then Randa has invited me to the play “Carnival” at the FMCT – we thought perhaps would go to Chi Chis or something for dinner.

Next week last week of school and then finals.  Will work on term paper and prospectus this weekend as have to give oral reports by Monday.  Have to do final video tape tomorrow at one and am nervous about that.

Finished the 8 weeks at growth group yesterday – one week off and new group starts.

May 20, 1982 Thursday

Today’s my Dad’s birthday, I think he’s 57.  There’s so many years going by – and I never hear from him and he’s so far away.  Somehow now, maybe because I’m in my 30’s that the 50’s sound young and the 60’s old.  I remember having that feeling when I was a child, that 7:30 PM sounded early, and 8 PM, late –

I’ve had the flu 2 days now, and stayed home – and typed.  I’ve put a lot of hours into my term paper on wolverines for comparative psych class, but I’m finished – finally.  Now to begin studying for my finals next week.

A week from now, I’ll be done!

Went to see Ramona’s kindergarten program yesterday, it had a circus theme and Ramona was a bareback rider on her hobby horse and a hula hooper.  I remember gong there for Kay’s Mother Goose program when she was in kindergarten and Ramona was a little baby.  I feel funny – uncomfortable and a little sad – when I’m around mothers that have little children, like the ones that came to this program.

[2009 note:  I wonder what that feeling was about?]

Tomorrow is Kay’s first band concert.  I would like to have the house all “charming” like it is somewhere in my mind – with Grandma and Grandpa coming over for a relaxed evening.

[2009 note: For all the yeas I knew them,  I was never truly comfortable with my in-laws.  On some deep level I knew I wasn’t ‘myself’, and I knew they would not remotely like ‘my self’.  There was no safe and secure attachment with them.  I was a stranger in their strange land, and I knew they could not truly accept me.  But everybody pretended.  As long as I played my part, kept to my role, things went along like they ‘should’.]

With studies and being sick, I’m doing all I can, and I’m trying not to buy into feeling solely responsible for the shape of this house – because I’m not, and Leo does an awful lot around here, anyway.

I know Kay would like a new skirt or dress for tomorrow, but it seems a waste to put money into one as she probably wouldn’t wear it that much.  I hope to stop at K-Mart tomorrow and see what they have.

Leo spent two nights this week making flower beds, and I think that’s neat – he’s also very good at it.

May 22, 1982 Saturday

Well, it’s after midnight so is really Sunday, but am waiting for my ‘exercise suit’ to be done in the dryer so I can bring it upstairs with me for tomorrow AM.

Leo and girls are gone tonight – today went to lake at Brainerd with Echo and Larry and I read – will do projects tomorrow, too, trying to get ready for finals.

Things OK in the water bed – Leo is keeping to himself.  I think he’s afraid to touch me – sometimes I’d like to be touched; not sexually — just touched.

++

Poem for a good day

Sun shining

After so much rain

I’ve never seen

So many leaves

In May

And I do love flowers

Those tiny creatures

Of their own world

Where

There’s no war

Only friendship

And fantasy

And a song to God

To let Him know

We remember.

++

Do I?

Do I have a personality

When there’s no one here but me?

Like those poems

In my Fathers’ book

I remember

He liked apricot nectar

Apple butter

Velvet tobacco

Saltine crackers

With margarine on them

And tapioca

I remember

Making tapioca for Pat

In that Virginia motel

And unpacking my trunk

To make things fee like “home”

(whatever that was)

[2009 note: when I crossed the country, age 18, to tell him I was pregnant with his child]

and walking

pregnant

in the hot sun

in his T-shirt

and he wanted me

to tuck it in

and I wasn’t thin

anymore

[2009 note:  Personality when I was alone?  Disorganized=-disoriented insecure attachment, if nobody was there for me to organize and orient around, I was more than all alone – that’s the dark pit for us, we live without our self and when alone the pain, sadness and loneliness for our SELF becomes often nearly overwhelming and unbearable – or DOES become unbearable.  Here in this poem, again, I am simply observing and ‘reporting’ to myself.  Being numb, distant and dissociated from our own painful reality has advantages for survival.

But what I have found now that I am twice the age I was in this journal, is that if we continue to survive into our ‘later years’, things only get worse.  The sooner we can safely find ways to deal with what is REALLY going on for us, the better.  I am not convinced that the painful distance between the ‘self’ we are trying to be to survive and the self we truly are doesn’t just get wider and wider as the years of our life go by.  In our ‘future’ older age, it can all catch up with us – BIG TIME.  If my words ring any kind of a bell within you, then either you are one of ‘us’ or you know somebody who is.]

++

May 28, 1982 Friday 9 AM

Took my last final and am done with my 23 credits now.  It was a long road, but good to be done with no incompletes.  Hopefully will get back to some sort of normal life with the family again.

There’s lots of work to do on the flower beds, but could be disappointing as Leo says the rabbits are getting his new bed out front, and Apache the black brat cat trampled my tulip bed this morning and I got real angry.

May 29, 1982 Saturday

Felt happy tonight, driving home from visiting Betty Lou in town .  Her four little ones, and my two.  A game of croquet with Kay, play at Lindenwood and talk and ice cream at 31 flavors.  I dropped my ice cream on the floor like a little kid.  They gave me more.  Free.

Met Mry Donaldson at the park, she was collecting cans and looked really fine.  We went to Burton’s graduation today with Ann.  Then she left for Culuth.

I laid in the sun this afternoon, and then combed a rabbit and it took two hours and there’s three more rabbits to do.

Leo went fishing today with his brother for the first time.  It’s 11:30 PM and he’s not home ;yet.  I’m tired, and think I’ll go to bed.  It feels so good to be done with school.

I need to spend time this weekend, thinking of what I’ll say to that Detroit Lakes class when I go on Tuesday.

June 5, 1982 Saturday 10:30 PM

We are up at Jim and Casey’s lake house on Long Lost Lake.  Came up Fri. and arrived at 5:30 PM.  Fishing has been poor – ended up towing a couple whose motor was broken down to the far south end of the lake to their cabin.  Trolled back and not even a nibble.

Made a fire outside tonight – roasted hot dogs and marshmallows.  Firelfies, darting specks of white light against blackness.  I’ve heard in the south the called them ghosts – “ghosties.”

Bat swoops low

in the porch light

after bugs.

I tell the children

about mama bats

sheltering their young at tit, and flying

– hanging upside-

down,

folded wings

holding them

tightly.

Motor boat speeds by on the lake below us, red-white-red light flashing.  Full moon.  Glimpse through thick could cover.  White rippling across, wind, friting water.

Inside, against the chill, I write – Kay’s reading “Mad” book – Ramona, who’s six tomorrow – outside watching her dad clean fish.

Read a book today about a writer, his lovers, and his death.

It’ll be good to be home and take a bath.

I’m here by the campfire

Then back

To my childhood

The circle of flames

A key-hole

To the past

June 9, 1982 4 PM

Safe

Is finding

Reaching

A bathroom

In time

When you have to go

Bad

Unsafe

Is riding for hours

In a car

With your brothers

And sisters

And you’re feeling sick

And you have to go

Because you have

Diarrhea

And your parents ignore you

And you go in your

Panties

And they laugh and make

Fun

And scream and yell

And throw your panties

Away

And won’t let you

Go to school

And make you spend

The rest of the day

In the car

Alone.

11:56 PM

I’ve been trying to sleep

But restlessly turn

So I’m up

With a warm glass of milk

My paper

And pen

It’s been a long day

So much to take in

Workshop

Growth group

Banquet

Perhaps calcium now

Will help calm me down

But I don’t feel like myself

My spirit feels larger

Than my body

Like a wad of bread dough

Or play dough

Yellow

My thoughts grow from me

Like whiskers on a kitten

New ones

Learning

Tends to be

Hard work

My sobriety is a gift

To me from God

[yet is it]

“Easy come, easy go.”

I feel as though

I’ve been gone from my home

And my children

For a year

It’s time to slow down to a stop

If I believe

Then nothing that’s happened

To me in my life

Has been by accident

2 wrongs never make a right

2 rights never make a wrong

June 15, 1982 Tuesday

Today’s Jay’s 32nd birthday.  I didn’t send eve a card.  I don’t know where he is.  Happy Birthday, wherever you are.  I wonder if he’s drinking.  I miss him and feel sad.  (guilty and somehow responsible for him).

Mom’s back in Alaska if things went according to schedule as she and Steve were supposed to have left Tucson yesterday.

Last night Leo and I went to MSU to see a movie “African Queen” – old movie with Audrey Hepburn and Humphrey Bogart – Kay baby sat.

Today’s the first day in a LONG time I’ve been home and went nowhere.  Started in the front room and ended up sorting through papers.  Threw out a lot.  Organized files of my writing from past years and put file in room upstairs.

Also worked on tan – yesterday took girls and Jana to swim hole in Hawley.  I am getting the nag of swimming.

June 16, 1982 Wednesday

I didn’t do my exercises yet.  Usually do them first thing when I wake up.  Have gotten to the advanced now in Jane Fonda’s Workout Book, and they take an hour.  I’ve been doing exercises for probably 2 months now, and like the results, but gets hard some mornings to MAKE myself do them.  Once I start, it’s OK, it’s just getting going on them.  I figure I’ll wait an hour for my breakfast to digest and do them from 10:45 to 11:45.  Last time I said I’d do them during the day I didn’t.

Need to talk to Pat and Linda about having dinner with Charley and Ann on the 30th as they’ll be in from Calif. The 28th down to see Pat the 29th, in Moorhead again on 30th and leave July 1st.  Maybe I’ll call now and talk to Linda and get it over with.

Well, I called Linda and want’ too bad.  She says she thinks it would be fine for dinner on the 30th.  Problem between Charley and Pat when Charley has been drinking.

I did my exercises and it took 45 minutes.

11:45 PM

Just returned from town – had growth group and went to Godfather’s Pizza with the women and therapist, too, and talked a long time.

Rabbit had babies today.  She’s got them in the box in 2 different little ‘nests’.  It’s neat and I hope they live.  Looks like a black, a brown and 2 whites, but not sure and she may have more.

Decided I may try writing an autobiography –

++

my dear little sister

blond curls

spoiled brat

for years

I could not talk to you

And now

You write

And send pictures

Of your children

And I do not

Respond.

We’re on our journeys

And they’re different

So different

Are you growing?

Am I growing?

We both change –

Years see to that

But –

We’re farther apart

You planted a thorn

A seed

When you said

“If you’re not bitter against Mom for the things she did to you

there’s something really

wrong

with you.”

[2009 note:  This sister was for many years involved in a Christian ‘cult’ that was very strange and strict.  Her husband was abusing her and children but nobody knew this until 17 years later.  She had taken a bus down from Canada to see me the summer of 1980, and what she told me was one of two statements made to me that ‘cracked my shell’ and led to my seeking treatment-help.

The other statement was made by an AA man who simply looked me in the eye one night and said, “You aren’t’ the person you want everybody to think you are, are you?”  I regret that I didn’t ask him right then and there what he saw and what he meant, but I said nothing.  In both cases I felt like a wild animal caught in the brightest head lights.  I’ve never forgotten either one of these statements.  They were made by two people who acted as Angels in my life at that time, and really changed the course of my life – because I listened to them and on some deep, deep inner level – I heard what they were saying and I knew they were right.]

++

[2009 note:  What is written on this page I crossed out, written for my therapist, Mrs. Tiedeman, because she was leaving.]

Eileen:

You’ve been my bridge

Over troubled water

My feet over turbulent seas

And when I write

With metered lines

I’m not being true to me

The muse can be found

If she’s sought

Beside a still pool

Of calm, clear water

Come, court her

This mysterious woman

Deep blue woman

Shimmering, changing

An inner garment

Solace of centuries

Timeless current connecting

Us all to ourselves

Each a ripple soft touch

Of healing

Noiseless

Soundless

Beacon of sunlight

Tribute

Shimmering

Changeless

Clear pool

Of water

Always in process

Forever the same

Trust her to

Be there

Should you ever

Come courting

This muse

My friend

Eileen

[2009 note:  This one I gave her and it touched her heart deeply.  I have always missed her.  What a gift she was to my life, and to so many others.]

June 19, 1982 Saturday

Leo made Ramona’s loft bed today and it’s cute.  I hope she likes it!  I finished weaving a shawl and almost another one.

Tomorrow we’re invited to the dome house for Jesse’s first birthday party.  Leo doesn’t really want to go and it will be Father’s Day – wonder if we’ll go>

Kind of a crabby day.

I didn’t send Dad a card – I think I’m angry at him, or at least trying to be honest with what I feel.

June 21, 1982 10 AM

Sitting on the steps having my morning coffee.  It’s sunny and still and beautiful, while all weekend the wind chased clouds over the sky and we didn’t see the sun.

We went down to the dome yesterday for Jesse’s first birthday and it was Father’s Day, as well.  Pat was there, and Linda and Molly.  I think Pat remains tied into the White Male System [from Anne Wilson Schaef’s book, Women’s Reality: An Emerging Female System), and I hear him talking a lot about this or that, but always things he’s heard or read, or places where he’s been.  As Leo and I were listening to the spirituality-sexuality tape of Ann’s last night, she talks about female intimacy which we feel is accomplished after-by knowing all about the other person.  Pat is not willing, it seems, even now, to share of himself.

Leo is willing to talk, to listen, to try, and to grow.  He’s open to learning about the female system, partly on account of his love for me – partly because that’s the way he is – not all tied up in the White Male System.

I used to ask Pat what he was thinking, what he was feeling, and he either wouldn’t answer or he’d get angry.  I’m not so sure I love Pat, as I thought; but that I was addicted to him and am learning to break that addiction.

Actually, I didn’t feel scared, rejected, angry, hurt yesterday and did not have to avoid him.  I am growing and I’m glad.  I’m married to Leo.

Late

I was wondering as I went to sleep last night if Pat ever thought about my pregnancy with Kay when Linda was pregnant with Molly.

June 22, 1982 Tuesday

Did some writing today.  I wonder in what form and tense I’d end up writing a book.

I feel uncomfortable not knowing where Cindy is after all the years they’ve been in the same place – wonder if they’ve moved to New Mexico yet.

I’m enjoying being home, but think I don’t “accomplish” enough in a day’s time.

Reading old letters I saw how much I lied to my parents when I wrote them.

June 23, 1982 Wednesday

Went to growth group this afternoon and to Wendy’s after for salad and then to Karen’s house with Donna – home at 11:45 PM.

Eleven years ago today Pat and I were married in Honolulu.  Thought about it today and felt sad.

Wrote Roxy.

June 26, 1982 Saturday

Been cleaning – sorting clothes in closets and dressers all day.  Felt real depressed yesterday – decided to up the Imipramine to the 150 mg.  I was taken off of Desipramine – slow the thoughts down – don’t handle being alone very well.  Leo helped today a lot – possibly will have a rummage sale in Moorhead.

June 28, 1982 Monday

Charley and Ann Smith flew in today on their way back to Calif.  Tomorrow they’ll be visiting Pat, Linda and Molly.  Wed. eve they’ll be back here and plans are to all have dinner together and go swimming at their motel.

It’s been a relaxing day, but both girls tired as we got home at 11:30 PM.  I felt really comfortable around Anne – more so than ever before.  She seemed open and happy – Charlie is stronger than last year after surgery – more his “old” self, not as vulnerable as when he was recuperating.  I feel a distance he probably keeps between himself and others.  I wish I could get closer to Charlie somehow – he drinks so much – but was certainly tolerable.

June 29, 1982 Tuesday.

Been working some on Kay’s Snoopy rug – she’s had it 2 years and haven’t worked on it very much.

July 2, 1982 Friday

It is 8 PM, and Leo took the girls in town to see E.T. while he did errands.  I’m feeling my wild feeling, and walked down the “trail” to an old grain wagon parked in the grasses.  The sun is still above the horizon, and it is hot.  Clouds below the sun will soon swallow it.

Wind is rustling the trees, and I am reminded of the homestead – the trees on the mountainside and the river on the valley floor.

I’d like to be that wind – free – from thought.

The moon has risen, and is not quite full.  The sun is now disappearing behind the clouds.

A beautiful woodpecker just landed on a pole by the tracks, and again just took off.  He approached the wagon here and veered, surprised by my presence – now is sitting on a fence post and is joined by two more, each on their own post.

The clouds have shifted and the sun is again shining, lighting my arm as I write, turning it golden.

It is really lovely out here, calming, soothing, and I need that peace.

It is so hard to be honest, to be “true.”  A level is true when its bubble lines up.  A building that is not “true” will certainly crumble.

I can’t empty my head of thoughts, and just be.  I think I’ll have a cigarette, and wait for some more time to go by.

I haven’t yet, but I scooted lower in the trailer and the woodpeckers are coming closer.

I wish I could remember the love I once had for the sun.  It is again going behind the clouds, and its rays are streaking the sky.

[page added here online, a scan of the page of “word salad,” a list I wrote in the journal here]

There must be words we haven’t even discovered yet to name those experiences we feel.

There is no end to what we’ve not begun.  On what level will my thoughts stop?

Specifically, there is no specific.

Oceans lie where we can always find them.  Why can’t I?

I wonder what it feels like to be a bird flying.  I am afraid to shingle that building.

The clouds are moving closer.

I suppose if one went on a vision quest, one would run out of words.

Intimacy

That secret

Gap in the thunder grey clouds

Above me

I can’t slip into

Soon now, even the moon will

Be covered

And even the wind quiets

Our of respect

For this expanse

Of evening

I call for people

Who may never hear me

And refuse to comfort

Those that do.

And I honestly miss getting stoned

Stinking thinking

And as I write, capturing time,

I can reread, and see my past

In my present.

I’m not sure being an artist is a blessing.  “It hurts too much.”

I think I’ll leave now.

July 7, 1982 Wednesday after midnight

Went to group and also had appointment with Eileen.  She again encouraged me to write my autobiography, and said will probably need to create dialog as that’s how they’re done.

Marlin and I may start on roof (shingling) here in Glyndon tomorrow, and that’s scary.  Will pray for God’s protection and help in overcoming fear.  Would like money for Ann’s intensive workshop in November.  [2009 note:  It was important to me that I earn the money doing something not usually done by women!]

I’ve been feeling good, not depressed as I was last two weeks.  Upped meds again to 150 mg.  Haven’t had trouble sleeping, which seems to be an indication of depression I don’t understand.  If anything, I sleep too long (upped meds 11 days ago).

Dad wrote – got letter morning after I’d dreamt of him – he made pine furniture and also fiberglass in my dream.

— Jay wrote, too, and is in treatment in Coos Bay for 30 days.  Want to write him.

Pat, Linda and Molly may come visit and buy 2 of the baby angora bunnies.

July 9, 1982 Friday

Went up the ladder yesterday and began to strip shingles.

Marlin got up on the roof and used the crow bar (which speeded things up a bit), and then I pounded in nails.  We were trying to get a 3 foot strip of tar paper laid to shingle on and then we’ll use steeple jacks – then maybe I’ll work right on the roof.  That’s the idea, anyway.

I didn’t do my workout yesterday – for sure arms, hands and legs had one working on the roof – tend to get scared if I miss a day it’ll stretch into more.  Need to do them today – not sure when.

Have really been procrastinating – phone calls and letters.  Today need to go into town and do errands.

Had a dream this AM that I woke up from.  We were visiting someone who had a huge pig for a pet.  I remembered saying I wouldn’t want to visit in a VW bug as would get tipped over.  It was sort of an AA meeting, but not organized.  I left several times during the meeting.  At first they were going to talk about the habit of smoking, but I said I didn’t think that was fair to pick on us smokers as I figured they must also have habits of their own, too.

Pat wasn’t in AA, but he stayed.  When I came back in, I sat on the couch he was on, and was very surprised he didn’t leave.  When I woke up Leo came upstairs, we were going to play volleyball.

Ramona’s eyes are puffy, matted and red.  Don’t know if it’s an infection we have drops for or if it is pink eye.

July 10, 1982 Saturday

Got a call from Kathy a few minutes ago, and for the first time she says they’re not coming this summer.  That seemed to take the joy out of the conversation – I feel disappointed, lonely, empty and angry.  It feels unfair, and I feel lost.  I don’t like changes.  Maybe Mary will go to see them now and they won’t come here.  As Steve’s folks live in Florida now, she doesn’t have to go to Ohio to see them.  They also have no money, but that’s not unusual.

I want to control things and make her come somehow.  Something else to grieve over.  Maybe it won’t even feel like summer!

I went on the roof to work today in Glyndon on the building Marlin used to live in.  It was very scary at first and I cried.  I wanted to do it, and asked my Higher Power to help – Perhaps tomorrow we’ll put the shingles on.

[2009 note:  It was a large old two story building with a steep pitched high roof.  The first time I climbed the ladder, I froze on the top rung and cried and cried.  I couldn’t climb off it onto the roof.  I couldn’t climb back down.  I had quite the talking to myself about challenging myself and ‘decision time’, and finally got up on the roof.  I never walked upright on it, though.]

July 16, 1982 Friday

Perhaps – it is not either or – we’re not either male or female, we’re both.

Spent last night sleeping over at Karen’s – girls too.  Yesterday and today worked at Guild booth at street fair – sold 5 items (including yarn bundle) = $166 total.  Feel good about that as we were broke until pay day.

July 18, 1982 Sunday

Kay shaved her legs for the first time yesterday (11 ½).

We shingled this week-end and almost got done – ran out of shingles.

Decided today I’m going to withdraw from summer session social work class on family therapy.  Need time at home.  Will have to get another course fall etc to complete general studies.  Felt good today and yesterday.  Am tired!

July 20, 1982 Tuesday

Went to town noon to 5:30 yesterday, Kay babysat Ramona.  Went to MSU and ordered some books.  Dropped my summer class – I’m not up for school (would have started tonight).  Then visited Randa – a bit with Karen as picked up things stored in her garage and took them to Salvation Army.  Bought 3 oak chairs and spent the day stripping them.  Was 90 degrees today.  Took kids to Hawley to swim, clouds came in and looked like bad weather.

Made rhubarb torte – did exercises with Diania at 10:30 PM – after midnight now and just home.

Ramona went to bible in the park.  Kay is at Jana’s tonight.

Finished shingling the building here in town last night.  By the end of it I felt fairly comfortable on that steep roof.  So much I want to do and don’t get done – Growth group tomorrow – need to stop and get a letter for insurance on the 9-day intensive in November.  Thurs 10 AM is guild meeting.

July 22, 1982 Thursday

Did go to guild meeting.  We planned the year, long meeting and I got restless.  Ate 3 doughnuts and 1 ½ pieces of lemon bread, then ½ order of sweet and sour pork at China Doll with Michelle.

Found out I sold $122 on Saturday at the Street Fair – money already almost spent – dues paid through 1985 and ten raffle tickets – they’re trying to raise $ for guild buying a coverlet from Eileen Wood.

Feeling tired and spacey tonight.  So much I want-need-should have to do and days go by so fast.

July 25, 1982 Sunday

Tomorrow am taking girls and “Sugar” (rabbit) to Betty Lou’s through Tues. night.  Will trade for some bales of alfalfa.

Called my sister last night to wish happy belated birthday.  Mom and Steve were there in Edmonton on way up to Alaska.  Steve is driving.  They spent nine days at Cindy’s and a week so far at Sharon’s (staying in the house with them).  Seems fine.  Good to relieve some of the guilt I’ve felt over Sharon.

Called Pat’s yesterday on rabbits – says will take 6 for $30.  Linda and Molly will be up this week to get them.

Marlin, Mona and Leo went fishing today.  Kay spent Fri. and Sat. with Michelle’s baby sitting.

August 3, 1982 Tuesday

Been Busy!  Went to Betty Lou’s through the 28th.  Leo’s birthday today, into Alice’s for supper.  Having them out the 27th.

++

Now

I’m a spider

Expertly spinning

My thoughts

Into miraculous

Flowing webs

When I’m depressed

I’m a fly

Tangled

Frightened

Captured

By these same

Silken

Threads

August 6, 1982 Friday

Finished another book today about lords and knights, serfs and ladies.  Twas the 2nd one read this week.  Quite a love story!  I’d like Leo to read it to see what he thinks and feels about it.

Must be careful to separate fantasy world from reality.  I didn’t, for many years.

Took kids to Hawley swimming today – hot days!  Nice!

Froze first beans – 10 meals of yellow.  Also have 4 lugs of peaches here to can.

August 7, 1982 3 AM (actually the 8th)

This is the third night in a row that when I try to go to sleep, my calve muscles tense up so much and keep me awake.  Not really Charley horses, but tight, like a tightly clenched fist.  I don’t like it, and have to toss and turn for hours before I sleep.

Tonight is 62 degrees and feel cool.  Last few nights have been beautifully (sweltering?) hot.

August 9, 1982 Monday

Slept very well last night after 3 bad ones of calves cramping.  Worked on group sale yesterday noon to 6 and worked on one of the oak chairs with carving I am refinishing.

Girls, Marlin and I went to Argusville – we shingled the garage – 10 squares.

Wed. have appointments on campus – maybe get car in about 10:30?  (for tires and alignment).

August 16, 1982

Am using the Jane Fonda tape and it goes fast and is work!

August 26, 1982

Went to Ogema last Sat. with family and demonstrated spinning.  Also spent Sat. night and Sun. at Echo’s house.

Sold 3 shawls at $65 each.

Kay ran away Monday, need to find a facilitator for us.

[2009 note:  I remember this, and it always makes me smile!  I had always told my kids that if they wanted to run away from home to let me know and I would help them pack.  On this day Kay was grounded for something and wanted to spend the night at her friend’s house.  I said no. She insisted, and so did I.  While I was busy in the kitchen she packed her little over night bag and snuck out the front door (she was 11).  When I went into the living room I found a note left there she had written.  It was folded with multiple ‘fancy’ folds the way kids like to do.  Each separate fold had a little part of a note written on it – until I unfolded the entire thing and there in the center of it she had written, “PS.  I just wanted to see what you would do.”

Oh, boy!  It makes me chuckle even now, 29 years later.  I simply walked first to the front door and, “click,” locked it.  Then I went to the back door and did the same.  About 10 minutes later I heard her pounding on the back door.  “Momma, Momma!  I’m sorry!  Let me in!”  I just turned from the kitchen sink and smiled at her and shook my head “No.”  I left her out there sitting on the back porch sobbing her eyes out for 20 minutes before I went to the door and let her back in.   Nothing was said about it, but she never ran away again.]

August 31, 1982 Tuesday

Turned 31  today.  My golden birthday!  Had a good day, cards from Leo and girls then in mail fro Dad and Sharon.  Dad – and mom – sent $50 – very generous – I’d like to use on ski boots.

Girls made beautiful cake with help of Roxy and K took me on tandem ride.  Worked on wood work at Ray’s in Argusville yesterday and today and will go out with Leo tomorrow.  Cool yesterday – 60 degrees – today was still cloudy but 70.

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Page is connected to this October 29, 2009 post:  +THE GLIMMER OF BEGINNING TO KNOW WHO I AM

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This was the last entry before my 31st birthday, except for the list of things I needed to do that is scanned and posted here:

1 1982 aug journal page2 1982 aug journal page

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