*Age 29 – Journal Entries – Trying to Orient and Organize A Lost Self

 

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I am being selective now on which journal entries I am covering because I am identifying the pattern.  Without having a clear, healthy, strong inner self to work with in my life, all I could do was attempt to find external factors to try to build my life around.  I could only look outside to find these factors.  I could not look from the inside of my self.

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June 6, 1981 Saturday

Ramona turned 5 today.  We went fishing and caught our limit of Northern.  Kay had a good day, catching 9 fish, keeping 6 and also had the largest 1 1/2# of which she was very proud.  Ramona doesn’t mind at all playing with the blood suckers in their little bait containers.  I learned better how to bring in a fish and about the purpose of drag on the line.  It is 10:30 PM now and Leo still has to clean fish.

Last night he and I tried to talk about our sex life and ended up discussing my not becoming pregnant in 3 1/2 years and whether we even want another child and about beliefs on birth control and my career.  I ended up crying and crying and could feel an invisible wall or line between me and my buried pain and I knew I’d crossed it.  Like almost a well of hurt and I’d falling in.

It is not an easy subject (the above) for me to talk about.  Today being Mona’s birthday I think how I was feeling 5 years ago when she was born and it was good, and special.

Also today I was thinking about change as we drove a bit on a narrow dirt road that reminded me of the old road in the valley which is now paved.  And driving into Glyndon — the changes as they tar these streets.

We’ve been here 5 years the 27th of this month and I plant more perennials like I plan to be around to see them come up.

I feel gratitude for having a husband who loves me as much as Leo does.  And I love him.

He mentioned last night that possibly I hate all men —-  do I?

I also realized the prime reason I am going to school and aiming at a career is to use my talents and abilities, fulfill my potential, and to put structure into my life.  Also challenge and fulfillment for myself on a personal level.

I still am needing more sureness and patience is important as I still do not have a lot of answers.  But I am straight today.  Thank you, God!

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[2009 note:  I repeatedly mention structure in my journals at this time.  The structure I was missing was inside of myself.  I remind myself of my disorganized-disoriented insecure attachment mother who tried in some way to create herself by being a mother to her ‘doll’ children.  I lacked her psychosis about creating imaginary friends — and enemy, me.  But I still did not understand that being a wife, a mother, a student, a gardener, an ANYTHING does not a person make.]

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June 12, 1981

Finished the first week of summer session today.  Took a test in Algebra today and it went OK.  Handed in 3 assignments in Drafting today and have 2 to do this weekend and some 20 pages in Algebra.

Today Ramona really missed me and didn’t want to stay with Ann.  Needed TLC.  I hope she adjusts OK.  One day at a time……

June 17, 1981 Wednesday

“Jay” called tonight — one month after I wrote that letter to him.  He is talking about coming out on the first and going to treatment.  I was so excited then I couldn’t go back to sleep but must now as school and long day tomorrow.

Been feeling fine and enjoying the challenge of classes and learning.

Ramona said this PM that she wished she wasn’t a little girl but she’d rather be a bee and fly around and do nothing but make honey.

June 27, 1981 Saturday

I am more than I seem to be

at any given time

There’s the child who watches

ants

appreciating wind

the softness of rose petals

and sand.

There’s a me

forgetting and losing

perspective

my depth of field

falters

I get so caught in a trauma

of today

drafting class is hard

I feel frustrated

and scared

and want to give up and quit

because I’m not as good

at thinking in 3

dimensions as others

in my class.

But there’s love

in my life

and sunlight

and Leo and my children

and God

and hope and help

July 1, 1981 Wednesday

Pat’s folks are coming tomorrow — actually today as it is not 1 AM.  I have been cleaning kitchen and dining room.  Nice to see it neat.  Kay was really working today on house and is feeling excited.  I don’t know what I feel.  As I was washing the kitchen floor I thought of the first time Charlie and Ann saw Kay at the apartment in Alameda.  I chain smoked Winstons all the time they were there.  Pat was out at sea.  It is now a little over 10 years later — 5 of them I’ve been in this house.

Was wondering if I can stay in the areas like drafting as so far the feelings aren’t too great there.  Will see. —

Felt like getting stoned tonight — Need to Pray more.

July 4, 1981 Saturday

[I describe what we did this day and…]

My mom called yesterday and not too good of a conversation and I felt upset for awhile but better after talking to Leo, letting go, and praying.

I felt relazed and confident around Smiths and aware that I no longer feel there’s any judgment there.  I hope the honesty is kept.

We must leave alone those things

we do not understand

to let them work themselves out

in time

the feelings cease to be so strong

and reasoning no longer tries

to piece together

and understand

those things

only God

understands

July 7, 1981

Talked at Growth Group #5 about feelings on last night’s encounter having dinner with Ann and Charlie with Pat and his wife and daughter there.  Cried.  Was asked if I was sad.  Figured I felt hurt.  Tiedeman thought I showed insight.

Feelings of rejection from Pat a continuation of feelings from Mom.  Her “disowning” me on the phone last Friday hurt again.  She called when Charlie and Ann were sitting in the backyard.  Repeating patterns.

July 15, 1981 Wednesday

Mom called and we had strong feelings — I was as honest as I could be.  Told her about Dad telling me I was the cause of all the problems between he and Mom before I went into the Navy…..

July 19, 1981 Sunday

“Jay” came in Friday.  He goes to treatment tomorrow.  I’ll bring him in on way to school.  Many mixed feelings and not being able to share them with him.  I hope I’ve showed him I love him and he’s special.

Went to group today and felt angry a lot over things out of my control.  Also was angry about trig test today.  Evidently ties into my black and white problem.  I either want 100% or I feel I want out.  I see things like school as a test of myself and my OKness.

July 24, 1981 Friday

Today has been a good day.  Got to sit with Leo and watch Ramona at her swimming lesson this morning.  She was so excited and did so well.  Every time she’d come up out of the water she’d clap her hands like a little seal.  We then went to Fran’s and had lunch together.  Kay stayed home and played with Ruthy.

Been wondering how “Jay” is doing and hope all’s well.  Noticing lately I get antsy if I sit very long in one place.  Picked first beans yesterday and froze them.  Need to work more on living in the here and now.

July 25, 1981 Saturday

…..I hope I hear from “Jay” soon.  I wonder if there’s a # I can call and get a hold of him tomorrow and see how he’s doing.

I sure do smoke a lot.  Also, sometimes when I say/think I’m ready to leave this planet I don’t think I’m serious but rather it’s an expression of my inner anger I still have, I guess and need to work on.  But being able to accept the fact I’m angry is good.

July 26, 1981 Sunday

Went to see “Jay” today at Fergus treatment, he looked well and seemed fine.

Made jam.

July 27, 1981 Monday

Realized tonight that Kay is changing and has become definitely interested in boys.  I reacted in anger (inside me) and I hid my other feelings of fear, frustration, etc.  Thought of taking her into Ben’s growth group with us and she may feel more grown up being included and also to expose her to something helpful to her and us, too.  [she was 10 1/2)

August 17, 1981 Monday

Been home from my trip 5 months today.  Kay had 4-H meeting tonight.  She wants to stay with  it and I’d like to help and encourage her as I feel she can benefit in many ways.

August 18, 1981 Tuesday

I made the decision today that I can’t go to school and weave and also that I need space in this house that all this yarn is taking up.  I packed it all away and will trade the Beka loom with Suzi for a bed for Mona.  I put all the canned jars of food on the yarn shelf and they look good.  I also cleaned out the file cabinets and threw away all the files that came from the Country Arts Collective shop.  Leo mentioned we could sell the high chair on the rummage sale.  I wish we had room to store it.

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[2009 note:  Looking back at 29-year-old me from my vantage point of being double that age now, I can say that packing away my spinning and weaving was a HUGE mistake.  I will never forget how yarn became a part of my life.  If first started on the homestead the summer I was seven and my grandmother came to visit and taught me to knit.  I was delighted!  I could take a ball of (to me) string and work it with my hands and turn it into something!  What a miracle!  (My sister, Cindy, HATED it!  She wanted to be outdoors and felt like she was being punished!)

The single surest instant that the Linda I am inside found her love for fibers came when I was 20 and took a bus trip to visit my friend, Jackie, who was living at that time in Santa Cruz.  I picked up a magazine someone had left behind them on a bus station chair beside me.  I flipped through the pages and suddenly came to a full page color photograph contained in an article on spinning, dying and weaving.

There were skeins of hand spun yarn of every hue and texture hanging from pegs on a worn wood barn wall.  At the instant my eyes met that picture I was in love and I knew that I wanted to learn how to ‘do that’.  In looking back on my life, the single biggest true clue I had about who the self of Linda was happened at that instant.  I did learn how to ‘do it’, and worked with fleece and yarn for seven years until this day I decided doing so did not fit into my life.

Instead I chose to wander away from this tiny clue of who I was and what made me happiest.  While my children were certainly attached with strong cords of love directly to my heart-self, nothing else but the weaving was.  Everything else was like a stage full of props and a life full of scripts.  I could not validate my self enough to find a way to keep the weaving arts present in my life, let alone central.

It might seem like a very small segment of a self and not even significant, but when a person grows up with an abused, lost and invisible self, any clue of connection between who that self might be and the real tangible world needs to be honored and explored.  Reading these journals is TODAY helping me to realize that this loom I was given a year ago, and that sits unused in a corner of my living room, is a gift to me that I want to find a way to use.

Yarn is expensive.  I say I cannot afford it.  But I don’t think I can afford NOT to find a way to put this little piece of who I am back into action in my life.  I don’t have to explain this part of me.  I do not have to defend it.  I don’t want to ignore it.  There’s some kind of benefit to allowing myself to work with my hands in this medium that I don’t understand, but it is a real connection to myself in this body in this lifetime in this world.  Real, for a lost, fragmented and dissociated self-soul, is an incredibly valuable and precious thing to find.

I can go back now and try to correct this mistake I made 29 years ago.  It’s up to me.  Nobody can do it for me.  I don’t know where I can find the money, but I won’t know if I don’t try.  There remains a spark of a connection to my true self here.  I feel it now like I felt it in the beginning.  It is such a spark as this that can help to heal a breaking heart.  It’s like a small kernel of a seed within ME that has not died and not been lost.  I can tend to it and make it grow.

I know it feels different to organize and orient myself around weaving and spinning because I have a feeling connection to it.  It is not something randomly or accidentally snatched from outside of myself.  However it happens, the fiber arts seem to be connected to who Linda really is.]

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August 23, 1981 Sunday

Been working really hard around the house.  Tore the lathe and plaster off of Mona’s room and Leo got sheet rock for it yesterday and did wiring today.  Will need to blow insulation from there into stairway’s ceiling and build closet in for Mona.

Kay wanted everything back to usual in her room by the time school starts Wednesday.  But …..

August 30, 1981 Sunday

I have been aware all day that this is the last day of my 20’s and tomorrow (in less than an hour) I will be 30……..

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One thought on “*Age 29 – Journal Entries – Trying to Orient and Organize A Lost Self

  1. You have always been an inspiration to me; especially in being willing to ‘feel your feelings’. You know that I still struggle with that- I usually just want them to go away and I have trouble being patient with myself and believing that they have value.

    Someone told me tonight that her therapist told her to ‘take the feelings out of the part of the body where they are and look at them’ and I could see the value of that. When I have strong feelings, at least those that I quickly call ‘bad’, I just want to disown them, pluck them out like weeds and toss them into the compost! You have helped me see the value in all feelings, welcome them even- as an opportunity for growth and change. Thank you!

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