*Age 20 – My May 1, 1972 letter to my mother

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May 1, 1972

Dear Mom,

I’m pretty tired, so this isn’t going to be a really long letter.  I just finished writing [P’s] mom a letter.  You know, it’s strange how many words it often takes to try to get something you are feeling across to some one else.  I do hope she understands, though, she really is a fine person.

I was telling you awhile ago about some of the things I believe in.  I am a Baha’I, and in the Faith there is what is known as the year of patience.  It took me a few weeks perhaps of mellowing out to see that I must observe this year.  I still feel an abiding love for [P], that love has not faltered through out this time, I know.  During this year, both parties are to pray constantly for guidance, aid, strength, and patience.  It is a time for both of us to search independently for the spiritual truths within ourselves.  A time for us to grow, and become more intone with ourselves and the world around us.  If, at the end of this year we can still face each other and say we no longer wish to continue our marriage, then considerations can be made of a divorce.

It is hard for us at times to face situations with an open heart and mind, and to make decisions we know are to be lasting.  Sometimes there are things which are too big for us to comprehend.  I know for myself, I can try so hard to make things better, that I only succeed in complicating matters and making them worse.  I’m not in a position now to tell anyone what is going to happen in the future.  I have faith in God, that’s all that we can do, place our lives in His hands, and accept that which is done is as it should be.

I can feel so close to you now, understanding what you are feeling, and what you have felt for many years.  I know how hard it is to try to do what is right for everyone you love, and still do what you feel you need to do for yourself.  I love both you and Dad so much, and I want to see you both happy.  Mom, you and I both know how much it has taken out of both of you these past years, raising six children, and the hardships of homesteading you have both endured.  You know, too, that you and Dad haven’t had one day together to enjoy each other away from the family.  You more than deserve it.  I have never met two finer parents who have sacrificed so much for the love of their family.  It’s been so long now, that you do hardly know each other.  You are two totally different people, but everyone is.  The bond you have is terribly strong, though, and it’s difficult to break those ties.

I think about [P] all the time.  I can’t help it.  I love him.  You know what it is like.  All the little things he does, the way he expresses himself, all the funny things that make him the man you choose to spend your life with.  It is only through the love of God that we can exist happily on this earth.  It is only by accepting His guidance and gifts of mercy and grace that we can raise our children.

If we can open our spiritual eyes, and fill our being with the love and beauty of the countenance of God, we can see the world is created in all the splendor and majesty of the Light.  The more intone we become with God, the more intone we become with ourselves, and the easier our daily lives become.  We shouldn’t worry about things we can not control or change.  That is how people create hell in their lives.  The farther we alow [sic] ourselves to get from God, the more miserable we become.  There is nothing on this earth that can give us satisfaction, or true peace of mind, or true happiness other than a life lived daily in the Light.

I have trouble distinguishing between that which I want, that which I think I want, and that which God wants for me.  In reality I know I want only that which God wants for me.  A marriage is something both parties have to be entirely committed to.  I found with [P] that there is only so much I can do, and the rest is out of my hands.  Perhaps Dad is going through exactly what [P] is.  Only he can decide what he wants from life, and how much he is willing to put out or sacrifice of himself.  Dad loves is family deeply, he is like [P] in that he has a difficult time showing it.  It is easy to become stagnant when you are living by yourself.  You have had children around all the time, and it is only a natural thing for you to easily give out love all the time.  Women are much closer to the natural cycles of nature and the earth, part of this being she gives life to a child, and sacrifices everything in love for that child.  A man has to go out and work, and being out in the hasseled [sic] world, he is drawn farther and farther away from the plan of God for the world.  A home is like a sanctuary, a place where he comes to feel the love a woman has all day to build and enjoy and watch.

So many times parents raise their sons to be “men”, and any sign of sensitivity is considered to be sissylike.  They are placed into rolls, and are taught to hide their emotions and true feelings.  Men fight wars and protect nations, building constantly.  It is difficult for them to come out of themselves.  I am thankful inside, so thankful, that all of my brothers were brought up in love, and are allowed [sic] to feel, be sensitive, and express themselves.  [P] was ruled with an iron fist by his father, and has been deeply affected by this.  His entire life he has had to prove things to others, and he has developed a strong defensive barrier between himself and the world.  It would take a long time alone in the quiet circle of family love to get him to begin to open up.  I know deep inside he is not happy, but is confused.  He needs to give love, and know it is accepted, and feel it returned.

Man and woman were created for each other, and God’s plan is centered around a strong marriage and a holy family.  It’s like we all have to be looking together in the same direction.  We have to see the Light, accept the Light, and live in the Light.  It’s all here, it always has been.  Man has created this world into the place of misery it is, each individual person either contributes godly actions, or selfish actions, and it is an individual responsibility for each of us to look to ourselves.  That’s where the circles start growing.  It is because of the love you gave me that I am where I am today.  I in turn give this love to {p} and [my daughter] and [P’s] family and to every one I meet.  It’s like a chain reaction.  Pretty powerful!

You have an advantage over most people in that you are an open, expressive, deeply sensitive, aware person.  You are so close in your heart to the One reality that your whole live [sic] is almost a constant prayer.  I share with you one of the greatest disadvantages.  We both are impatient and so energetic that we want things to change immediately.  I have to constantly fight this in myself.  [P] is not the type of person that can be pushed, and neither is Dad.  I think they only rebel inside.  They’re slow and thorough.  Any change in them comes hard, and it’s slow in coming.  I feel almost like I need [P] to slow me down.  And at times I rebel against that.

I am getting tireder (?), and have to be up early with K, so I must close for now.  Know that my prayers are constantly with you, and I am looking forward to the possibility of seeing you this summer.  Please write, and please don’t call.  If only we were rich!!!

Loads of love, and kisses from K.  Linda and K.

Mother wrote on the back of this letter:

“Keep forever and ever!  A TRULY BEAUTIFUL LETTER (written in 72 – re-read by me October 1979 and April 1980)”

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What a sadly disillusioned young 20 year old I was when I wrote this letter!  Those of you who are following my story know what I mean.  My mother’s brainwashing of me during the entire long 18 years of my childhood with her shows in this letter as my thought patterns just continued to extend themselves into my life once I left home.

I am surprised at some of the ‘philosophical’ observations I make here about men, though, as if I had actually, at age 20, spent some time thinking about their ‘state in the world’.  I believe this letter demonstrates what I have suspected is true, that the left brain and it’s language abilities can create an entirely false world and false reality that the left brain alone will never question.  The left brain is a master fabricator.  It cares nothing for the facts or for the context of situations.  It can just roll itself along thinking it has ‘the world by the tail’ when really it is a fantastic TALE it is telling – all the time believing it to be true.

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2 thoughts on “*Age 20 – My May 1, 1972 letter to my mother

  1. These letters are weird, clinical, cold…….You were completely delusional regarding your relationship with your parents. You were also a very young adult in an abusive marriage with a baby–an extension of your life at home with your abusive parents—it makes perfect sense. You were doing the best you could. You survived and are blessed with the tools (letters) to look back and examine your life and now live better because of those tools. Most people are never able to figure out why they are the way they are!

    Linda, do not be embarrassed or ashamed of these letters–they are a testament to how far you have come.

    • Thank you, Jill. I am at this moment working with my age 35 – 36 letters — including the letter I wrote to disown my mother and corresponding journal entries. She didn’t keep THAT letter — I found my copy of it — hummmm and more hummmmm

      That ‘clinical coldness’ you mention — I sensed that in my grandmother’s letters to my mother A LOT, and suspect that was present in my mother’s childhood and is a part of what damaged my mother.

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