written early June 1972
(and no, I was not on drugs when I wrote this! It is simply the clearest expression of who I was and how I felt on my insides as a result of having survived chronic and severe, horrendous abuse at the hands of a mad woman from birth until I left home at 18)
Don’t blow your cover. No matter what, don’t blow your cover. Cover? What cover? Naked legs? Flowing hair. Double-talk, triple-talk, round-the-circle talk. Don’t look in my eyes, they’re real. Yes, perhaps in time you’ll see the fears and the years and the tears. Perhaps in time.
But right now. What about right NOW? Wait, what game are we playing. Come back, wait here, where are you, hurry, they’re leaving…don’t run quite so fast, my legs are shorter than yours used to be.
Your time’s up. Ha! You didn’t think I was around these parts. Didn’t know I was right behind you, did ya? Well, what did you think? I’d change the rules and let you know? Come now, what fun would that have been? We can’t all win. Not all the time, now that you mention it, not any of the time.
Look around you. Where am I? No, no, no, not there. I tired of that place long ago. No, not there either. Don’t you remember? We decided back there we should find a place, a safer place, where you could find me any time you cared to look. You’ve come calling on me again…well think about it for awhile. Who let who down?
When the bills were posted the word was clear enough. The old fellow who did the touch up job passed through some time ago. Faded now, can’t for the life of me figure out what it used to say. Oh, well, there must be one sheltered from that last storm. It’ll all come clear when I come across that one.
Did you call my name? Please, did you call me? It couldn’t have been your mistake. It’s been so long since you’ve used it, denying doesn’t change what I have heard. Don’t leave…wait! I’ll take care of you, you’ll remember.
Believe me when I say your pain doesn’t matter. Once you feel it as pain your battle’s half won! Just hand it here, I’ll take it over there and put it down, and I really wouldn’t worry about coming back to check on it.
Don’t worry, it’ll pass. I’ve merely forgotten my name. No, you can’t tell me. Remember, we’ve just met? Maybe you could take a moment and give me a reminder. A clue, just a clue. Not that I need it, sometimes warm words fill cold spaces.
Laugh a little, cry a little, work a little, worry a little. The tune’s the same, we make up our own words.
Did I tell you the sun came up last night? It was really neat. I made the date with the sun a few years back, surprised I remembered when the time came around. Let me know when you set yours, I’d love to be with you. Now that I’ve seen it, I find the night a little empty.
It’s been a little over an hour now. My perception has been warped by too much exposure. Hopefully when developed, the images will clear. Proper timing. Important, you know. Where is the clarity without the darkness and the light?
My body will never be as perfect as yours. I don’t think about it that way. My balance is in my fingers, where yours is in your toes. Don’t laugh, I’m humming now, and I can’t hear you, so just hum along…you know the tune.
I waited too long, words have a way of getting bored and running out on you. Well, I’ll be patient with you, they’ll be back.
(the following words were indented in patterns that do not translate into this blog’s format)
There is so much
When you see beauty
you see me
When you hear music
you are in tune
When you remember
you are remembering me
In your head
When you believe
you have found
As I have been
in your past
For now we
has been for
between you and
have been only
my Voice is one with all voices
all voices are my Voice
of thunder and whispers
to your ears
every sound you detect
is my Voice
sound that is
in existence is
Let my child be my beacon, and I her song…..