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Archive for the ‘Borderline Personality Disorder’ Category

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Monday, May 22, 2017.  Part of what contributes to my writing so few posts for this blog over past months has to do with the fact that the blog was never created to cover aspects of Autism Spectrum Disorder information.  I haven’t wanted to write “off topic” for my own blog!

But I, as my own independent person, have always been an inseparable part of everything posted.  That cannot change no matter what the subject of a post is about.  For long term readers, and I know there are some who have been faithfully reading since the blog’s inception, I doubt there would be anything unsettling to them in anything I write.

My conundrum is MINE!

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Time is always marching every aspect of life as a whole forward.  That we all live at a time in the history of the evolution of our species when new information – even as it is accentuating massive difficult problems our species must face and learn to address – is an amazing fact all by itself.  We are in the midst of Niagara Falls type power of change itself.

Yes, these words spoken by Mahatma Gandhi – “Be the change that you wish to see in the world.” – will always be true, the PROBLEM I see in this world is that while so many people are willing to help create a better world for all life, we do not have the answer to this one simple, power, one word question:  “HOW?”

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I recommend to everyone an online search for all information connected to “CDC ACE study”; “N.E.A.R. science and ACEs; community building and related topics.  I try to take my own advice but find that I become super-saturated with information very quickly and have to take my time – however long it takes – before I can return to my quest for answers to the big HOW question.

This IS a quest.  Not for one of us.  Not for some of us.  It is a quest for ALL of us at this point in time.  Time?  It is time, I believe preordained by our Creator (the One Who has given humanity information through all of the world’s great religions – respecting the fact that humans have, over time, “messed with the messages” of these great Holy Ones – meaning each of us must follow our own independent investigation of truth outside of fantasies, false doctrines, idle imaginings, etc. that humans introduce where they do not belong.

We as a species WILL leave our trauma histories behind.  All the new information being discovered (truth coming from the One Creator), is part of building the tools themselves that we need to recognize we are truly one global family.  We are discovering our own operating system manual, how our body is designed to optimally operate!

All the ACEs information, the N.E.A.R. science application options, all the positive global community building patterns, are parts of this process.

HOW will all of us work together to put all this information together and into practice to bring justice, peace and plenty to this world?

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Now, returning to my thought about Autism Spectrum Disorder (ASD) – which I now know powerfully impacts by physical reality, I can comment upon my experience of watching/listening to the powerful video I posted a link to in a short post last evening.

Sustainable community development: from what’s wrong to what’s strong  by Cormac Russell

Well, this speech is connected to — www.nurturedevelopment.org

= absolutely incredible!

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Now, with background on my own info-learning absorption and processing – it is simply to Temple Grandin’s info-packed video (one of many on YouTube) I turn in my thinking to:  My Experience with Autism – where Grandin describes with ASD there’s nothing wrong with a person’s hearing, yet although words might be heard they can have no meaning whatsoever.

The full details about the insane abusive trauma of my first 18 years from birth are in the book (below) – suffice it to simply mention that although I have known for a long time I do not process ‘social information’ in ordinary ways, and that much of communication is difficult to me, I have long believed this was so BECAUSE of the abuse from birth.

Mother, who psychotically could NOT do ANY part of what an infant needs from birth – I mean NONE of it – no attunement, no joy, no reflection of me, no mirroring, no empathy – ZERO love, replaced by psychotic hatred………. (etc.)

NOW I am understanding that of course I have been “on the ASD spectrum” since I was conceived.  NOW I can begin to understand that when I listen to the video — Sustainable community development: from what’s wrong to what’s strong   — the reason I cannot HEAR it is because of the way my autism brain is arranged, designed, and operates.

This information – while actually and finally setting me free to be me – at the same time requires of me an exhausting amount of inner processing to make use of.

What Do We Know about Noise Sensitivity in Autism? | Interactive Autism Network

As I listened – in my evidently very special way – to the community development video – I worked on one of my in-progress weavings (so soothing, orderly, predictable, focusing, calming, etc.).  At the end of my intense (version of) listening I realized…..

I DID NOT REALLY HEAR HEAR HEAR A SINGLE THING SAID!

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Now, I don’t believe the rest of this information is really relevant to this blog in any way except that I am certainly a completely severe torture/trauma abuse survivor — and — “This is my blog.”

Yet if I consider this NOT my blog but a blog that is meant for this blog’s READERS?

= quandary

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I am at this point going to not only bridge the chasm between my trauma history and my ASD patterns, I am going to close the gap completely.  In this unification process I am allowing myself to “use my words” in any post I wish to about my ASD experience, probably most often in a bottom-of-the-post designated space that non-fascinated readers can simply choose to ignore (not read)!  So here goes!

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Before this blog was ever a glint in my mind’s eye I voraciously pursued a study whose backbone is listed at the REFERENCE tab at the top of this page.  I intuitively and instinctively knew how to pursue this vast study to my own advantage.  There are thousands of pages on this blog, tucked away where even I would have to work to find them, of my personal reflections combined with the trauma-related development facts I found.

I outran the edge of the proverbial research envelope at the same time this blog was created.  I knew what researchers were going to find.  I knew that in this time lapse process what I knew was true.

I have moved on.

I do not remember when, where or how I first encountered the CDC ACE Study findings.  I did feel vindicated, happy, and hopeful that this information was available.  Yet, as Dr. Nadine Harris Burke states, what is happening with this information is in the form of a “Movement” that NOBODY understands fully – if at all.

This is where, in my thinking, critical information such as what the above community development talk is about, matters at this juncture in time equally with the scientific patterns of trauma healing.  HOW humans will use the information they acquire is up to THEM!  In their “backyard revolutions” as the video expert describes.

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So everyone will co-create these healing changes in their own time in their own way.  Unlike how I could intuitively predict the research coming down the pike post-2009 would confirm what I knew was truth, it is now true that NOBODY can predict what happens next!

So, the ASD part for me?

I would not so much use the word NOISE as I would use the word SOUND in describing my version of the ASD experience.  I think all humans are basically “assembled” in similar, but not in identical ways.

When it comes to SOUND – obviously listening to these so-important topic videos requires SOUND.  BUT there are, within my experience, unfathomable layers and levels to the experience of language (as Grandin mentions).

Words in all cases that I can imagine exist because of the sound they make.  This means that for all of us, the way we are assembled in common means that the words in our THOUGHTS, OF our thoughts, have SOUND.

Words are made of sound, an inextricable factor in my world that combines with the fact they MAKE sound every time they are brought (again and again) into existence, into appearance, into use.

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Now at present now….  I am considering that ASD might be “the place” where human experience is actually able to experience paradox in living action.  This is a BOTH AND world.  As the article above about ASD and noise speaks about, the ASD experience with sound is not predictable – probably in any way.

So with my extremely sensitive and sensitized ‘hearing’ abilities, I cannot, for example, make any kind of annoying environmental sound vanish.  I cannot vanquish sounds discriminately.  I hear them all – and if they are not within what I NEED for peaceful calm experiencing – my “anxiety” becomes painful within my body as it overrides all hope of calm.

Where others might be able to ‘control’ patterns of sound through habit or choice, I have to be able to “manually override” noxious sounds.  And in today’s virtually polluted-on-every-level world = good luck with THAT!

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Information has levels of ramifications.  Ramifications and the complex interactions of meaning presented to me along with the “ordinary bandwidth” of what the speaker provides in the community development talk, prevents me from being able –at this point in time – to KNOW that I understand a single “word” said.

So one must consider – WHAT IS MEANING?

What did that speaker MEAN?  What does the information he presents MEAN?  What does it mean to me personally, to any of us, to all of us collectively – within WHAT span of time – and for what REASON?

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Now HERE is one of the places where I suspect my ASD and my severe trauma history overlap and intersect.  It is obvious in the descriptions of developmental neuroscientists such as Dr. Allan N. Schore, early severe trauma prevents ‘the body’ from creating its ‘resting point of balanced equilibrium’ at peaceful calm.

As I have written on this blog in the past, early trauma survivors – those who never had any safe and secure early attachment experiences with their primary caregiver – have a very different set-point.  Calm is NOWHERE within us a natural state.

We have to learn.  We have to work for calm.  Which is its own paradox!

My body does not give me a natural place to rest without sound/noise.  (Neuroscientists know that a living brain is always turned to noise – even our brain’s resting state is noisy.)  So I would go with “quiet enough” – which basically means, for me, that I have to be in an inner place WHERE I AM NOT THINKING ABOUT ANYTHING because thoughts-in-words are ALWAYS making a sound!

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I was, as ole timey readers know, very fortunate to have lived on a wilderness Alaskan homestead during much of my growing-up years.  I therefore KNEW occasions of silence – and very nearly silence.  Part of me both carries THAT silence within AND craves it ‘out there, back there in time’.

Yeah – at age 65 this is all kind of an exhaustive process!

I do have creative gifts that can allow me to stop thinking entirely.  Weaving is doing that peace-building-within for me now.  Creating my massive garden “once upon a time” did that for me. Yet ‘being in the inner quiet’ does not help me, for example, to move toward comprehension of material that is very important to me – such as that contained in the community building video.

I would PREFER to be working with some kind of a local team of people on relatively the ‘same page’ so that THEY who COULD understand that video would be able to explain it to me in real-time, face-to-face, in storytelling fashion!

Short on that possibility right now, I will try and try and try again to HEAR what this “backyard revolution” has to teach us about finding ways to bring ACEs and N.E.A.R. science info into our communities.

(I listen to this river soundtrack a lot.  I would prefer silence, but there are noisy horrid evil male pigeon roosters outside, traffic, NOISE!  This is the best I can come up with in my negotiations between myself and the environment I live within (which is a billion times better than the horrible apartment I was stuck in up north for three years!).

All these words.  Tiring.  There are ways of both knowing and not knowing at the same time; of understanding and not understanding; of hearing and not hearing at the same time.  I do wonder, “Are those within the autism spectrum range living in a more paradoxical world than “usual” for others?”  (Once we pass out of toddlerhood we are certainly able to FEEL more than one feeling conflictual emotion at a time!  Are we not all both living and dying at the same time?  What IS paradox, really?)

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Here is my first book out in ebook format as it provides an outline of the conditions of my malevolent childhood.  Click here to view or purchase–

Story Without Words:  How Did Child Abuse Break My Mother?

It lists for $2.99 and can be read by Amazon Prime customers without charge.  A daring book – for daring readers – about a really tough subject.

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Tags: adult attachment disordersadult reactive attachment disorderanxiety disorders,borderline motherborderline personality disorderbrain developmentchild abuse,depression,derealizationdisorganized disoriented insecure attachment disorder,dissociation,dissociative identity disorderempathyinfant abusePosttraumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD),protective factorsPTSDresiliencyresiliency factorsrisk factorsshame

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Saturday, July 30, 2016.  If I had more mental energy right now I would construct a very nice introduction to the essay a friend sent me today at this link below.  As things are, I am just very VERY glad I read this!  I am not left with many questions about what is going on with the upcoming election in America.  In fact, after reading this I have so many answers to questions I didn’t know enough about politics to even ask:

Western Liberal Democracy as New World Order? (2007)

“In an age of increasing global interdependence, Dr. Michael Karlberg asks whether the Western model of democracy is the natural and inevitable way to organize free and enlightened societies.”

I have spent much of these past three years caring for my young grandson who just turned 4 last week.  As I read this essay I realized it left me realizing that to improve the world, and our nation, we can really think about things in ways basic to the care of our youngest.

When little people are troubled in any way, and have no language to tell us what they need, we just pay very very close attention to all the signals they give us – and then we provide for them what they need.

This article did exactly that for me.  It gave me what I needed and addressed my concerns so that I don’t feel troubled anymore.

I am impressed! I have nothing profound to say here.  Karlberg does.  Nothing about our political system is BROKEN – it’s just not finished yet.

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Click here to read or to

Leave a Comment »

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Here is my first book out in ebook format as it provides an outline of the conditions of my malevolent childhood.  Click here to view or purchase–

Story Without Words:  How Did Child Abuse Break My Mother?

It lists for $2.99 and can be read by Amazon Prime customers without charge.  A daring book – for daring readers – about a really tough subject.

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Tags: adult attachment disordersadult reactive attachment disorderanxiety disorders,borderline motherborderline personality disorderbrain developmentchild abuse,depression,derealizationdisorganized disoriented insecure attachment disorder,dissociation,dissociative identity disorderempathyinfant abusePosttraumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD),protective factorsPTSDresiliencyresiliency factorsrisk factorsshame

Read Full Post »

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Wednesday, June 29, 2016.  In the middle of working slowly through my apartment going through things, readying to move come September.  Who knows how exactly I will travel or where I will end up?  I sure don’t.  Not yet.  This is a very difficult time for me.

As I cleaned out a Sterlite container this morning filled with my “office stuff” – 3-ring hole punch, small glass jar full of paperclips, collections of unused assorted cards, and more – I discovered a spiral notebook with only six lined pages still included in it.

I just read those pages and am left with “WHAT?”

I am NOT going to travel anywhere keeping this silly piece of writing, dated Tuesday, October 22, 2013 – DREAMS.

So this is  a kind of place-setting introduction here followed by dream (1) and then dream (2).  I think of my graduate training as an art therapist during which we were taught to “work with dreams as we work with art images.”

There are images in these pages, that’s for sure!  Do they make any sense?  Not particularly – not that I can see – not that I even care to comprehend.

I also think about the fact that for the majority of my years now-a-days I NEVER remember dreams.  So why did I write these down?  I do not know!  No idea.

But before I throw this beat up spiral remnant from my past, I am going to write these dreams into a post – for NO plausible reason that I can come up with!

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Today I note that these dreams arrived at the end of the second week I had been back to North Dakota, having completely torn apart everything about my life for the past 16 comfortable years I spent living 1,700 south in a rural southeastern high desert Arizona area along the Mexican border.

I had come back to North Dakota, having once lived here and in this area for 20+ uncomfortable years.  I, on my own, would NEVER have come back here but there was crisis in my family and I could not stay away.

Right as I began to record what’s on these few sheets of lined paper into digital form I literally began to feel quite sick to my stomach.  Is this a sign to trash these papers without leaving any sign behind that they ever existed at all?

So I guess I will fight my way through this visceral reaction I am having to this effort to record what follows.  These are the ONLY sheets of paper stored within my “office space” here.  I must have kept them for some reason.

Here and now I find them again, in the process of preparing to acknowledge the ending of my nearly three year tenure here.  This geographical area and its human culture have NEVER been good for me!  I would guess that within the operations of these two dreams much of what I find difficult about living here is expressed.

I will transcribe the dreams – but I will not look any closer at what feels to be isolation patterns and difficulties with human interactions and communication expressed in them.  All of this today?  Strange.  Strange.  Strange!

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Note:  A few days after my arrival back up here I traveled with my daughter on a work trip she had to take into north-central rural North Dakota.

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DREAM (1):  Something Happened – or – Space Junk

From coming up to Turtle Mountain and from being back here – the common patterns and familiar northern rural life – as the seasons change – snow crunching on sidewalk and grass-creeping into spaces around buildings in the shade – trees bare.  Summer shutting down.

Patterns of collections of “the common” humanity – blending of voices/pitches rise and fall/laughter – peppered as they chatter about a common, shared life – of what?  Of nothing.  Of something.  Of anything.

All the workplaces of the many.  Long shadows of morning light shrinking into day – highlighting edges of scattered low clouds.  In the evening all reverses – people – most having left work – after supper – dark out – phone calls begin to travel.

“So and So (s/s) just found something very strange.” – form made of metal – new – shiny from yard light – sitting between parking lot berms – on grass beside wall – along front of s/s’s Boat’n’Bait Shop on Hwy #?  “It was just sitting there to the left of his door (shining in amber yard light).  Almost to his arm pits.”

More parts and pieces discovered around the countryside – in front of someone’s gate on dirt road when returning from Casino – at fork in road – one neighbor pondering piece/how to move it/other fork neighbor comes along – cell phones ring – stop working near pieces.

Curiosity grows – nothing appears criminal – (long time before local law enforcement finds out) – the magic words eventually enter the circling cell phone chatter – “space probe.”

“It’s gotta be a space probe!  We’ve been probed!  Or have we?  Who would send one here in pieces?  Nothing is smashed or broken like it would have been if it crashed.”

Whole community has to cooperate – whose pickup?  Who helps load parts?  Where should they meet to bring the parts together?

Usual bedtimes come and go.  Sleep = last thing on minds.

“Let’s meet at Alco – s/s and s/s – go first and save a space/no parking – direct traffic for deliveries and spectators.”

A sense of “If you build it they will come” grows.  “Star Trek” and “Space Balls” and UFO stories create a kind of a wonderment even in the most straight-laced.

The “We are not alone” feeling makes the growing crowds feel bigger than the humans filling them.

Odd shaped shiny pieces begin to arrive in mud-caked pickups – “We have to figure out a way to put this thing together.”

“How?  And how big is this thing?”

“What is it?  Must be junk if it landed here (in the middle of nowhere)” –

(Perhaps this happens other places in nation)

“Where did this come from?”

Finally law enforcement appears in Alco parking lot (after hours – now in the middle of the night) – Call the Feds?

Nobody does.  “It’s OUR mystery!”

Where are the rest of the pieces?

–Junk could not appear ONLY where people would find it

–Who are the rural geeks and engineers who could “decide” how this goes together?

–Found!!  Parts fitting together – “It IS a probe!”  “We put together our own probe!”  “Take it apart!”

–After all that went into getting it this far?

Debriefing

——– Whole thing was a game!  A research game – with interviews/forms after.  “Who did you interact with? – Differently than usual?  How did this feel?”

How/feel/whole thing?

“Would you rather that this had never happened?”

# end notes dream one #

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DREAM (2):  Accidents Happen – or – Rowdy Crowd

Set outside a small town – maybe 20K?  Central person = Sheila?  Woman – upper crust money – above the average crowd – had no idea how to engage with “regular people” – 5 apes escape transport truck on main line through town – driver made choice to divert off route – (reason?) – What were chances apes could escape – AND close door behind them?

Woman – Sheila – confides in housecleaner – nobody knows she moved into posh country home of retired rich entrepreneur older man unmarried – (not even “success of marriage”) – could not have kids – holds head too high in public – story of his shoe fetish and closets full of stolen hotel towels – enema and the master bedroom all mirrored bathroom walls –

Man died w/o will – time passing – she will be expunged – where will she go?  (Vac carpets/leave patterns) – truth – so lonely – disconnected

The apes show up romping on her fancy wooden deck in middle of the night – racket – potted begonias – pale green wicker pieces thrown over the railing – she calls no one – the world has met her where she is – she sinks her teeth in, determined – to make time stand still – who will know?

How does she keep the apes from leaving?  One is long haired red hair – her favorite – Sheila names her Jill.

Locks them into 5 stall garage with 2 collectible – roadsters?  (restored and worth money) – Sheila won’t get them/she’ll get nothing – ex-wife/his kids/will take it all

“Accidents happen!”  After 12 years of caring for Andy as if he were her China gentleman doll – no thanks from his kids – cantankerous man!  Who deserves to get what?

Let the rowdy crowd go at it – need to get them food and water – how does she get her own car out without crowd escaping?  (her car – title in her name – at least she got that much taken care of – his image car for when she went to town shopping) –

What does she feed them?  Must go to another town where she is unknown – not to raise local eyebrows/suspicion at buying hoards/hordes of bananas and barrels of grapes – unnoticed?

All takes planning – run in door – open window only so far/remove screen/close so can’t escape/wide enough to throw in all his old food – boxes of cereal, bags of pasta – everything, anything to keep the crowd entertained – packets of paper Sweet-n-Low, butter pecan ice cream, stale rolls of Italian bread – challenge – to get her car out – enter garage and toss the food into opposite far corners away from her car – never had a garage door opened so slowly – closed even more slowly!

—-Young male, Charlie, got out – in spite of her efforts – talk about prioritizing!  She headed out the rock bordered circular driveway as Charlie hunched away under a (twin spire) pine.  The good of the one against the good of the many?

On her return – car full of “party food” for her supposed 25th anniversary celebration – she had cheerfully described to the large chain grocery store clerks who had assisted her –

—-a maroon 4-door car pulled off the road 100’ from her house – on the side opposite her drive (as Sheila steered around the last curve before her driveway) – young woman in denim Bermudas and flip-flops – thick brown hair in swinging ponytails – bobbing sideways along the shoulder peering around bushes –

—-Sheila knew with speeding heartbeats her secret was at least partly discovered

——–What to do next?

–Sheila recognized Betty who loved to run the trail around Lake Pheasant any time the weather was nice and her ex-husband had their twin Brownie Scout girls for visitation.

–Let Charlie ape go and feign complete surprise at Betty’s glimpse of a long-limbed foreigner frolicking in the forest?  Calls would be made; apes do not fall from the sky.  This crowd came from somewhere.

Sheila both knew and didn’t know enough, too much and not enough about this drama that had rapidly enveloped her – reacted by firmly leaning one elbow across her car horn while smiling widely as she sent a giddy wave toward bobbing Betty.  – A plausible reaction – sacrificed Charlie – who no doubt responded by diving deeper into the forest away from Sheila’s catch.

Nosed car into driveway – parked – walked at appropriate speed toward Betty while calling out to her – “Is anything wrong?”

The 20-some-year lie of being Andy’s loyal wife (and now his sad widow) paled in the face of the ridiculous construction Sheila found herself playing out with this pig-tailed ex-prom queen.

She stopped short of “I had no idea apes lived in the wild in this part of the world” – although this angle tempted Sheila who was finding herself feeling so much lighter about her life since she had opened the door to let the ludicrous transpose itself with what used to be the ordinary of her life.

“Never trust a prom queen” must have formed as Sheila’s mantra while her mousey self had passed through her eastern high school a decade before Betty had been born.  No chance of having her help herd Charlie back to his companions – so safest track was to play along with Betty’s drama until familiar isolation could again surround Sheila’s home.

# end notes dream two #

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Now I can comfortably take this old spiral notebook out and toss it in the dumpster!

That’s done. I did keep the back cover’s cardboard because it might be useful for something.

(It is inhospitably baking hot out there!)

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Click here to read or to

Leave a Comment »

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Here is our first book out in ebook format.  Click here to view or purchase–

Story Without Words:  How Did Child Abuse Break My Mother?

It lists for $2.99 and can be read by Amazon Prime customers without charge.  A daring book – for daring readers – about a really tough subject.

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Tags: adult attachment disordersadult reactive attachment disorderanxiety disorders,borderline motherborderline personality disorderbrain developmentchild abuse,depression,derealizationdisorganized disoriented insecure attachment disorder,dissociation,dissociative identity disorderempathyinfant abusePosttraumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD),protective factorsPTSDresiliencyresiliency factorsrisk factorsshame

Read Full Post »

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Saturday, June 4, 2016.  OK.  Now one MORE post for today and I can drop my pen for the evening.  (Yes, I did have a bit of a backlog!)

Here is an outstanding free resource online for ANYONE involved with ACEs related concerns.  Any of us with high ACE scores are in the lifelong process of providing care for our self, so I see this tooklit as OUR toolkit, as well as a toolkit for those working or living with other people of any age who have a severe trauma history.

I sincerely and with deepest gratitude thank these  public health nurses in Spokane, Washington — Melissa Charbonneau, Peggy Slider and Rhonda Crooker — for their fantastic work in the creation of this toolkit that will help so many people!

There is a link in this short article (presented below in this post) by Jane Stevens to download the 178 page free toolkit — 1*2*3 Care  —

Public health nurses awarded for “1-2-3 Care Toolkit, a Trauma-Sensitive Toolkit for Caregivers of Children”

“Public health nurses at Spokane Regional Health District (SRHD) developed a 178-page toolkit — 1*2*3 Care — for caregivers of children. They define caregivers as parents, grandparents, child care providers, teachers, and others who care for children daily.

“They describe the toolkit as supporting caregivers on their journey towards “trauma sensitivity”.

“The toolkit can be downloaded as a whole, or individual topics can be downloaded separately. The toolkit also includes handouts for caregivers.

“The topics include:

  • The Brain — Stress and early brain development, understanding adverse childhood experiences (ACEs), and accompanying parent handouts.
  • Resilience
  • Attachment
  • Cues
  • Emotions
  • Emotional Regulation
  • Behavior
  • Discipline
  • Repair
  • Self-Care
  • Military Families “

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Click here to read or to

Leave a Comment »

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Here is our first book out in ebook format.  Click here to view or purchase–

Story Without Words:  How Did Child Abuse Break My Mother?

It lists for $2.99 and can be read by Amazon Prime customers without charge.  A daring book – for daring readers – about a really tough subject.

++++

Tags: adult attachment disordersadult reactive attachment disorderanxiety disorders,borderline motherborderline personality disorderbrain developmentchild abuse,depression,derealizationdisorganized disoriented insecure attachment disorder,dissociation,dissociative identity disorderempathyinfant abusePosttraumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD),protective factorsPTSDresiliencyresiliency factorsrisk factorsshame

Read Full Post »

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Monday, April 18, 2016.  How strange, yet I guess I am not surprised.  Thoughts and feelings about my “art therapist self-hood” are reawakened by having heard yesterday from the “play therapist” contacting me for some training I offered to share with her (as I mentioned in my previous post).

There could not have been a profession I could have chosen and worked for my master’s degree in that could possibly have been any closer to my heart-of-hearts, to who I am in my essence.  In fact, it is even the one my grandmother – a career psychologist specializing in helping people choose their correct careers (my mother’s mother) – gave me the Strong-Campbell Interest Inventory text when I was 11 or 12 and from those results predicted that I would be most successful and happiest as – an art therapist!!

The career field did not exist when Grandmother gave me that test with her recommendations.  I had not read that report for over 20 years until I found it again while I was IN my art therapy graduate program (University of New Mexico, Albuquerque, 1989-1991).  Yes, this was more than a little eerie of a discovery to me at that time!

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So, what really happens to us over the loss of something like this that means so much to us?  My hopes did not really work out over the long haul for myself with art therapy as a profession – for many, many reasons, none of which I could really control.  (The Serenity Prayer comes to mind here.)

At this moment I am greatly wishing I had someone in my life to have an actual conversation with about these matters.  But I don’t.  So I am writing here….

Although I have retained my national Art Therapist registration, which is a credential that can only be obtained by pursuing such a master’s degree along with meeting all the supervision requirements, this certification is for the most part truly “useless” and “worthless” in American society today.  VERY few states have gone through a process to get approval for licensure specifically for art therapists, so ANYONE, literally, can claim to “do art therapy” or to “be an art therapist.”

There is NO protection for the profession.

To me this is no different from a situation where someone who has a pair of pliers handy can claim to be a dentist.

Is this a dangerous situation for the public?  I would say yes – with a but….

I am SO good at what I do I completely understand and accept the responsibility that goes along with the incredible POWER that art therapy, accomplished by a trained, skilled and gifted Art Therapist can have.

BUT!  Given that so few people actually HAVE these qualifications, I would say that the danger to the public is greatly lessened simply because without the qualifications the power is all but gone.  I am not sure there is any more risk than there would be with a teacher “doing art work” with kindergartners.

Sad to me, really, in so many, many ways.  No wonder this feels like a longing has been tapped, touched, reawakened!

BUT!  This is reality.  Just as my grandmother was decades ahead of her time even in her recognition of my aptitude for such a profession, and in her actually NAMING a profession that did not yet exist (and so barely even does now over 50 years later), the entire field of art therapy is so far ahead of the curve it is well over an invisible horizon and may not actually appear until hundreds of years from now.

I have known for many years that given the chance to do four “evaluative” art therapy sessions would provide such depth, breadth and truth of a client’s life that a regular therapist could spend a year working through the information I could provide them about their client.

I would NEVER have the patience to do the “working through” with a client that ongoing therapy actually requires, although I know there are some art therapists who CAN do that.

That’s not my niche.  Oh well………  Off I would go in that “missing conversation with nobody out there” that I am longing to have right now about these things!

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So why would I agree to “train” someone in any aspect of art therapy?  How do I do so fairly given these reservations that I obviously so strongly hold in my mind and heart?

Good question!

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I believe in spiritual guidance and I strongly suspect that there is nothing accidental in what is going to happen soon with this “play therapist” as we talk and work together.  I am completely aware that the Creator I am completely comfortable with calling God has plans in this world that I do not – and probably cannot possibly – understand.

It is not my place to question these kinds of situations when they show up.  It is my place to listen to my own heart and to act according to its guidance.

Of course I was quite sure that’s what I was doing 1989-1991 when I got this degree in the first place.  As I look back into my life as a child, to MY LIFE, my OWN (yes, completely-hidden-from-my-abusive-mother) life I see art therapy me all the way back to when I was two years old.  My training was for my soul.  Nobody can ever take that away from me.

Yet I do struggle not to take this part of who I am away from myself!  This is me!  All these abilities along with everything that honed them, belongs to me!  To do with as I choose.

No, I cannot make ART matter in this so-sick and getting sicker materialistic, nonorganic culture I live within.  I cannot change that drugging hurting people is so much more of a popular solution that actually helping them to heal is.  I can’t change these things.

But when I encounter a “play therapist” whose path has crossed my own, who expresses interest and desire to add “art therapy” skills into her bag of tricks….

I am not going to say no.  And, just possibly, some of this woman’s clients may benefit in very special ways from this woman’s administrations of healing as they will carry some part of what I can so capably teach her.

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Do all the words I just wrote take away or diminish this very special ache in my art therapist heart?

Nope.

Oh well.  Life goes on.  I do what I have always done.  My part.  In the best way that I can manage to do it.

I expect that there will be some joy for me in this teaching opportunity.  I LOVE this work!  “Play therapist” lady will get a mega dose of training if she is sincerely up for it.  I am hoping we will be able to record the audio of our sessions, or classes, or whatever these will be.

For my part, there is an art therapist part of me that lies dormant –  quietly – not asserting anything about what cannot be changed.  I don’t know how I used to think about the process of “letting go” but I am very clear what image (ah, images, the life of life) I have now when such times come to me.

My hand held nearly open, palm upward, with a flower bud in the center.  I slowly and without any stress in my fingers spread my fingertips apart as I imagine this flower bud slowly opening to the fullness of its beauty.

Often the image of the flower is of a lotus blossom, but sometimes it is of a waterlily.  Whatever gorgeous flower is there upon my palm, I do not crush it.  I let it open to its own life, as I try yet again to set whatever troubles me — free.

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Here is our first book out in ebook format.  Click here to view or purchase–

Story Without Words:  How Did Child Abuse Break My Mother?

It lists for $2.99 and can be read by Amazon Prime customers without charge.  A daring book – for daring readers – about a really tough subject.

Story Without Words is a forensic biography/autobiography in which the author, Linda Danielson, explores three generations of her family history to help understand the horrific abuse she was subjected to from birth at her mother’s hands. Her mother Mildred had a psychotic break while delivering Linda, her second of six children and the only one of whom she targeted directly for abuse. The delivery culminated in Mildred being convinced that Linda had been sent by the devil to kill her, and until Linda left home at age 18 for boot camp, she was subjected to unrelenting abuse.

Story Without Words is a creative and compassionate exploration of early factors that may have contributed to Mildred’s abusive trajectory. The author seeks to give words to her experiences as a child abuse survivor; Story Without Words is unique in providing the words of the abuser and the abused in one volume. The author seeks to provide insight for others who were themselves abused, professionals who wish to learn more about the inner world of survivors, and concerned individuals who wish to help stop the storm of child abuse in our society….”

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Tags: adult attachment disordersadult reactive attachment disorderanxiety disorders,borderline motherborderline personality disorderbrain developmentchild abuse,depression,derealizationdisorganized disoriented insecure attachment disorder,dissociation,dissociative identity disorderempathyinfant abusePosttraumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD),protective factorsPTSDresiliencyresiliency factorsrisk factorsshame

 

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Tuesday, November 17, 2015.  There are five important PBS videos at this link, free to watch until November 30th.

new PBS documentary series: “The Raising of America.”

Acesconnection comments HERE

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Here is our first book out in ebook format.  Click here to view or purchase –

Story Without Words:  How Did Child Abuse Break My Mother?

It lists for $2.99 and can be read by Amazon Prime customers without charge.

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Leave a Comment »

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Tags: adult attachment disordersadult reactive attachment disorderanxiety disorders,borderline motherborderline personality disorderbrain developmentchild abuse,depression,derealizationdisorganized disoriented insecure attachment disorder,dissociation,dissociative identity disorderempathyinfant abusePosttraumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD),protective factorsPTSDresiliencyresiliency factorsrisk factorsshame

 

Read Full Post »