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Archive for the ‘Borderline Personality Disorder’ Category

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Monday, March 27, 2017.  I perhaps should not be surprised that the therapist I am seeing (today being appointment #2) has never heard of the CDC ACE study, trauma altered development, or trauma informed care.  Too bad I can’t just provide him with some of these blog links.

This is NOT new information!  It is beyond me how therapists and counselors have not become at least CURIOUS about patterns they see in their clients enough – in today’s world – to at least GO ONLINE and SEARCH for answers that have now been available for decades.

AND – there are even BOOKS they could learn from!!!  AND journal articles!  I mean, REALLY!?!?!?!

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+Dr. Teicher’s ARTICLE ON TRAUMA ALTERED DEVELOPMENT

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+CALM THE CRYING BABY — IMMUNE SYSTEM STIMULATES VAGUS NERVE TRAUMA ALTERED DEVELOPMENT – December 22, 2009

+IMPORTANT POST ON ALTERED LANGUAGE DEVELOPMENT – December 12, 2010

+DECEMBER 2010 IMPORTANT POSTS on Trauma Altered Development – December 25, 2010

+Dr. Teicher’s ARTICLE ON TRAUMA ALTERED DEVELOPMENT – December 27, 2010

+TRAUMA ALTERED DEVELOPMENT AND THE POWER OF THE SOUL TO KNOW RIGHT FROM WRONG – February 22, 2011

+A LIFE COMPLICATED BY TRAUMA-ALTERED DEVELOPMENT (CHILD ABUSE RELATED) – February 25, 2011

+FIGHTING BACK AGAINST THE ABUSE SURVIVOR’S ALTERED PERITRAUMATIC SENSE OF TIME – March 11, 2011

+AS DR. MARTIN TEICHER STATES — EARLY ABUSE, ALTERED BRAIN DEVELOPMENT AND THE SCARS THAT WON’T HEAL – April 5, 2011

+THE GOOD-BAD INFO ABOUT TRAUMA ALTERED DEVELOPMENT FROM CHILD ABUSE TRAUMA – September 3. 2011

+THE ACE SCORE REVOLUTION (Adverse Childhood Experiences and Trauma Altered Development)  – August 9, 2015

And this is just a few of the hundreds of related posts on this one blog alone!

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Well, it’s hard for me to remain positive about this therapy deal – but at least this gentleman searched out the Paper Tiger movie informationA friend of mine kindly sent me a copy of the DVD which I loaned to this therapist today.  I had recommended that he find and watch at least one of Laura Porter’s videos on ACEs – perhaps this will happen soon?

So – we MUST educate those who are paid to assist us!  If we attempt this, and persist, and our “target student” is resistant – well, find somebody else!  This guy today at least understood the very simple reality that those of us raised within terribly traumatic early environments ARE NOT LIKE OTHER PEOPLE!

He said to me, “You mean like you and I will need to create a bridge so that we can communicate.”

Yep.  That’s it exactly.  BUT – I know that a major future effort needs to be made to inform the counselor and therapist state licensing boards.  Nobody should be allowed to practice without having the basic information about what I am presenting here right now.  I realize this public educational process will take decades, and reaching these licensure boards is not at all likely to happen in my lifetime.

But this information MUST get out there!  That’s what we do.

It is so important, also, to realize that NOBODY could have gone through what we went through without being altered in their physiological development in consequence.

MORE important earlier posts on this blog:

+SOME ARTICLES FROM DR. MARTIN H. TEICHER – AN EXPERT ON THE CONSEQUENCES OF CHILDHOOD ABUSE – March 14, 2014

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+SIBLING ABUSE: WHAT IS IT? AN EXCELLENT ARTICLE…. – July 17, 2013 — Sibling abuse has been identified as the most common form of family violence in the United States, occurring more frequently than parent-child abuse or spousal abuse… “

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+THE ‘TERROR-ABLE’ CONSEQUENCES OF INFANT-CHILDHOOD VERBAL ABUSE – January 22, 2010

+A LONG, THOUGHTFUL LOOK AT VERBAL ABUSE AS MALIGNANT TEASING – January 29, 2010

+SOME PRIMARY LINKS ON INFANT VERBAL ABUSE – September 24, 2010

+LINKS – PREVERBAL COMMUNICATION and DEVELOPMENT (RISK FACTORS, INFANT ABUSE) – December 10, 2010

+INFANT-CHILD VERBAL ABUSE – WOUNDS TO THE MUSIC/LANGUAGE BRAIN – October 1, 2011

+CANCER-CELL THOUGHTS IN COMMON WITH ALL VERBAL ABUSE – January 28, 2012

+HAZARDOUS WASTE DISPOSAL POST FOR VERBAL ABUSE – CANCER-CELL-WORD-THOUGHTS – DUMP ‘EM HERE! – January 28, 2012

+THE FALLACY OF “STICKS’N’STONES” – VERBAL BULLYING HURTS – February 20, 2013

+BABBLE BABY HEAVEN – March 13, 2014 — Human infants are not excited or upset when babbling, but instead they will babble spontaneously and incessantly only when emotionally calm.”

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Well, while I am at this – here are some great resources —  just a drop in the ocean of what’s available!! – NO excuse in my thinking for professionals to be ignorant of this kind of information!

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Some Suggested Reading and Resource Titles

– Allen, J. G. (2001).  Traumatic relationships and serious mental disorders.  West Sussex, England:  John Wiley & Sons, Ltd.

– Child Welfare Information Gateway (2009).  Understanding the effects of maltreatment on brain development.  Washington, DC: U.S. Department of Health and Human Services. Retrieved July 1, 2013, from www.childwelfare.gov/pubs/issue_briefs/brain_development/

– Citisite (2009, November 9).  NeuroScience.  Early childhood:  A. Schore. D. Siegel.  Brain Development.  Retrieved July 1, 2013, from http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EOp4s1PXQGs

– Citisite (2011, July 11).  Allan Schore.  JOY & FUN.  Gene, neurobiology.  Child brain development.  Retrieved July 1, 2013, from http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Y0iocZu1mVg

– Fields, R. D. (2010, October 30).  Sticks and stones — hurtful words damage the brain:  Verbal abuse in childhood inflicts lasting physical effects on brain structure.  The New Brain.  Retrieved July 1, 2013 from http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/the-new-brain/201010/sticks-and-stones-hurtful-words-damage-the-brain

– Kestenbaum, R., Farber, E. A., Sroufe, L. A. (1989).  Individual differences in empathy among preschoolers: Relation to attachment history.  New Directions for Child Development, 44, 51-64.

– Lopatto, E.  (2012, February 13).  Childhood abuse interferes with brain formation, Harvard study shows.  Bloomberg News.  Retrieved July 1, 2013, from http://bangordailynews.com/2012/02/13/health/childhood-abuse-interferes-with-brain-formation-harvard-study-shows/

– Mason, P, and Kreger, R. (2010).  Stop walking on eggshells:  Taking your life back when someone you care about has borderline personality disorder (2nd ed.).  Oakland, CA:  New Harbinger Publications, Inc.

– Neufeld, G., & Mate G. (2006).  Hold on to your kids:  Why parents need to matter more than peers.  New York, NY:  Ballantine Books.

– Perry, B., and Szalavitz, M. (2006).  The boy who was raised as a dog:  And other stories from a child psychiatrist’s notebook — What traumatized children can teach us about loss, love, and healing.  New York, NY:  Basic Books.

– Schore, A. N. (1994).  Affect regulation and the origin of the self: The neurobiology of emotional development.  Mahwah, NJ: Erlbaum.

– Schore, A. N. (1997). Early organization of the nonlinear right brain and development of a predisposition to psychiatric disorders.  Development and Psychopathology, 9, 595–631.

– Schore, A. N. (2000). Attachment and the regulation of the right brain.  Attachment and Human Development, 2, 23–47.

– Schore, A. N. (2001).  Effects of a secure attachment relationship on right brain development, affect regulation, and infant mental health.  Infant Mental Health Journal, 22 (1-2), 7-66.  Retrieved July 1, 2013, from http://www.allanschore.com/pdf/SchoreIMHJAttachment.pdf

– Schore, A. N. (2003).  Affect dysregulation and disorders of the self.  New York, NY:  W. W. Norton & Company.

– Schore, A. N. (2003).  Affect regulation and the repair of the self.  New York, NY:  W. W. Norton & Company.

– Siegel, D. J., and Hartzell, Mary (2004).  Parenting from the inside out.  New York, NY:  Tarcher/Penguin.

– Siegel, D.J., (2012).  The developing mind: How relationships and the brain interact to shape who we are (2nd ed.).  New York, NY:  The Guilford Press.

– Siegel, D. J., and Bryson, T. P. (2012).  The whole-brain child:  12 revolutionary strategies to nurture your child’s developing mind.  New York, NY:  Random House.

– Teicher, M. H. (2000).  Wounds that time won’t heal:  The neurobiology of child abuse.  Cerebrum:  The Dana Forum on Brain Science, 2 (4).  Retrieved July 1, 2013 from:  http://192.211.16.13/curricular/hhd2006/news/wounds.pdf

– Teicher, M. H., Andersen, S. L., Polcari, A., Anderson, C. M., Navalta, C. P., Kim, D. M. (2003).   The neurobiological consequences of early stress and childhood maltreatment.  Neuroscience and Biobehavioral Reviews, 27, 33-44.

– Teicher, M. H., Samson, J. A., Polcari, A., McGreenery, C. E. (2006).  Sticks, stones, and hurtful words: Relative effects of various forms of childhood maltreatment.  American Journal of Psychiatry, 163 (6), 993-1000.  Retrieved July 1, 2013 from http://ajp.psychiatryonline.org/article.aspx?articleID=96671

– Tvoparents (2012, April 5).  Gordon Neufeld on what makes a bully.  Retrieved July 1, 2013, from http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=q7mznfMI1T4

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Here is my first book out in ebook format as it provides an outline of the conditions of my malevolent childhood.  Click here to view or purchase–

Story Without Words:  How Did Child Abuse Break My Mother?

It lists for $2.99 and can be read by Amazon Prime customers without charge.  A daring book – for daring readers – about a really tough subject.

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Tags: adult attachment disordersadult reactive attachment disorderanxiety disorders,borderline motherborderline personality disorderbrain developmentchild abuse,depression,derealizationdisorganized disoriented insecure attachment disorder,dissociation,dissociative identity disorderempathyinfant abusePosttraumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD),protective factorsPTSDresiliencyresiliency factorsrisk factorsshame

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Monday, March 27, 2017.  I was just wondering what the core difference between “injury” and “wounded” might be.

INJURY – word origins –

Middle English injurie, from Anglo-French, Latin injuria, from injurus injurious, from in- + jur-, jus right — more at just

First Known Use: 14th century

JUST – word origins –

Middle English, from Anglo-French & Latin; Anglo-French juste, from Latin justus, from jus right, law; akin to Sanskrit yos welfare

First Known Use: 14th century

WOUND – word origins —

Middle English, from Old English wund; akin to Old High German wunta wound
First Known Use: before 12th century

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As I have written on this blog before, a major shift occurred for me at the instant I recognized the extent of the abuse I suffered during my first 18 years of life in terms of CRIMES.

I just typed “criminal” into the search window at the top of the blog thinking perhaps the post I wrote that day would show up.  Perhaps it did.  However, for all the posts that DO appear with that search, I do not specifically see the post I am thinking about right now.

I do know that on that day it hit me that if Mother did or attempted to do even ONE time to one of my neighbor children where I was living what she did thousands upon thousands times to me, police would have been called and off Mother would have been whisked!

Following this epiphany I just figured it out, ONLY for an approximate number of physical attacks – not counting any other aspect of the many other abuses she was allowed to do to me – her minimum jail sentence would have been 15,000 years.

But, of course, there was no such involvement on any level of “justice” in my case.

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For decades in “recovery talk” people spoke of “wounds” as perhaps being more serious than “injuries” might be.  Semantics?  What I am thinking about this morning has more to do with how to get myself UNSTUCK from something painful that of course connects into pain from my severe trauma history.  Once I realized that my inner focus in trying to get off of dead center regarding my concerns is connected to a sense of an “injustice” having been done – then, to me right now, whether or not I experience a wound, or wounding, is not a concern at the top of my “figure this out ASAP” pile.

I want to understand something I am not figuring out on my own right now, so I will certainly be taking this to my 2nd therapist appointment today.  Being stuck is not remotely constructive!

I realize that for decades of my adult life I had friendships within which I could talk with others about anything and everything in my life – and in theirs.  Those friendships do not exist in the same ways any more, even if those same people are still within my sphere of contact.

I miss those kinds of friendships terribly!

Otis Redding – Stand By Me

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Here is my first book out in ebook format as it provides an outline of the conditions of my malevolent childhood.  Click here to view or purchase–

Story Without Words:  How Did Child Abuse Break My Mother?

It lists for $2.99 and can be read by Amazon Prime customers without charge.  A daring book – for daring readers – about a really tough subject.

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Tags: adult attachment disordersadult reactive attachment disorderanxiety disorders,borderline motherborderline personality disorderbrain developmentchild abuse,depression,derealizationdisorganized disoriented insecure attachment disorder,dissociation,dissociative identity disorderempathyinfant abusePosttraumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD),protective factorsPTSDresiliencyresiliency factorsrisk factorsshame

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Monday, March 20, 2017.  Happy Spring!  A long time in coming, it seems.

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Taking advantage of the best of the dips and twists, turns and tangles, and even of the downright obstacles throughout our lives requires human resources.  Accessing these resources depends on availability, access and an indomitable aversion to failure that enables us to hunt for – and then marshal our courage to USE — whatever/whomever we bet will help us move forward in our lives to the best of our abilities.

WHEW!  That spiel turned into a LOT of words!

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I have found an excellent therapist and a source to pay for it in this lovely small town I chose to relocate to.  As far as I can tell I have just been through one of the toughest three year segments of my adult life.  This is saying a lot because I have made it through MANY events that seemed to carry enough weight to crush me.

In the wording of trauma experts, it seems that the “cumulative burden” of stress/distress – this time – very nearly broke me.  Never before have I felt so knocked down that I wasn’t sure I could get up.

Sometimes it’s not enough to just escape hard times with our life.  We must be able to forge, create, and have hopes of sustaining OUR life as we require certain aspects to grow toward being happy that we are still alive.  We must find ways to live OUR life so that we feel rewarded to be alive.

I think high ACE survivors of really hard early years struggle our whole lives – often with some periods of time along the way when we feel OK in between – to reach and sustain a quality of life that MIGHT resemble what our lives could have been had someone rescued us from our early hell and taken loving care of us.  There isn’t ONE of us who didn’t need to be truly rescued!

So for me right now this therapist I have found, the first one in decades, is a winning lottery ticket for me.  I left my first session today feeling safer in the world.  I no longer feel anywhere near as alone in my struggles to make sense of hardships that I need help in coping with.  I now have help in making sense out of some aspects of being alive (at 65) that seem to make absolutely no sense to me whatsoever!

Why do I feel in nearly all ways so different now than I remember being for decades of my adult life?  I want more internal choices back.  I do not like being this REACTIVE!  I HATE this anxiety!  What is going ON with me?

This therapist has never heard of the ACE study.  He was immediately interested and I believe he will follow through on his promise to at least watch my favorite “ACEs info dispenser” Laura Porter video before our next session.

This will be good.  I can feel it.  I am hopeful, relieved and grateful!

Now – I will go dye a bunch of the yarn I spun as I prepare for my next tapestry weaving.  YAY!

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Leave a Comment »

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Here is my first book out in ebook format as it provides an outline of the conditions of my malevolent childhood.  Click here to view or purchase–

Story Without Words:  How Did Child Abuse Break My Mother?

It lists for $2.99 and can be read by Amazon Prime customers without charge.  A daring book – for daring readers – about a really tough subject.

++++

Tags: adult attachment disordersadult reactive attachment disorderanxiety disorders,borderline motherborderline personality disorderbrain developmentchild abuse,depression,derealizationdisorganized disoriented insecure attachment disorder,dissociation,dissociative identity disorderempathyinfant abusePosttraumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD),protective factorsPTSDresiliencyresiliency factorsrisk factorsshame

 

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Friday, March 17, 2017.  I HAVE to chuckle.  Define “have to?”  What will be will be.  Don’t fight the river.  Or – simply – WHATEVER happens HAPPENS!

I just had a lovely conversation with a woman at the city’s park office about use of the pavilions at Penny Park (see previous post, and the one before it!) for this fun family free art project.  Green light GO?

Nope!  Red light!

It would take quite of bit of money to reserve that pavilion space – or try using it without reserving it only to be tossed out with art supplies onto the wood chips by those who DO put down the $100 deposit and buy insurance for a day’s use.

Even the employee of the city park office had NO IDEA where the Market Cafe where the free venue offer exist connected to the food co-op even IS!!!!

Makes me think of “Don’t look a gift horse in the mouth.”  If someone needs a horse, and someone GIVES that person a horse, who cares what those teeth inside the mouth of that gift horse might actually have to say about the health and age of said horse!

Get on that pony and RIDE!  Or at least grab it by the mane and gratefully walk beside it, even at a very slow time-stopping pace, on down the road!!

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So.  Those circles of our lives never do actually STOP.  All the circles and cycles are completely connected.  We are living an organic life in an organic world where variability and variety are the forces of nature!

I have asked and asked around town and there really does not seem to be a perfect place.  This small nice park across the street from me to the east has two tables with coverings and would NOT need deposit, reservations or purchase of insurance.  But there is no water source and no access to restrooms.  (Penny Park has both.)

The Market Cafe will let me open the back door so we could get water out of their hose.  There are public restrooms a block away.

The park pavilions would not protect against wind as it might LOVE to frolic and remove from said artists ANY shred of paper and cardboard not weighted down for dear life.  A big potential hazard to fun creative activities.

SO…..  I am back to my playful ponderings about the future of this project!  Proof is in the pudding.  Eventually!

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Oh.  I forgot to mention that within my conversations with town people this week was information that the county this town is a part of has the highest unemployment rate in the nation; that 50% of families are single parent households (no one cohabitating, either = just alone parents); that no parents will be able to come to any fun event with their children ’cause they are all working 2-3 jobs (this person, a 44-year-old native of this town, single mother of 3, LAUGHED at my idea as she told me THIS fact); and that 50% of the families in this town are at the poverty line.

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One Global Family Little School of Creative Living – Una Familia Global Pequeña Escuela de Vida Creativa

A community drop-in creative space for fun activity where everyone is a teacher!

Dedicated to —

Encouraging, supporting & showcasing the talents of children, youth, their families & friends – in arts & crafts, photography & video, music & dance, writing & poetry, storytelling, drama & public speaking, sewing & fiber arts, cooking & gardening — along with leadership & service to others & the world — plus MORE!

FREE – ALL ages welcome!
– (young children must be with responsible caregiver)
– basic art supplies provided 
– Volunteer assistants and donations of and for creative supplies warmly appreciated!

To be held Sundays beginning May 7, 2017 from 11:30 to 2:30 pm in the Community Room at the Market Cafe

(blue building, 614 N. Bullard St., corner of Bullard and 7th near where the Tamal Fiesta Y Más is held in the fall)

Funded through caring about and sharing with one another, including the very kind donation without cost of the Market Cafe Community Room for this project!  Thank you!

FaceBook page:  One Global Family Little School of Creative Living

Creative process facilitated by Linda Danielson, MA, Art Education, UNM Albuquerque (1991), Nationally Registered Art Therapist

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Leave a Comment »

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Here is my first book out in ebook format as it provides an outline of the conditions of my malevolent childhood.  Click here to view or purchase–

Story Without Words:  How Did Child Abuse Break My Mother?

It lists for $2.99 and can be read by Amazon Prime customers without charge.  A daring book – for daring readers – about a really tough subject.

++++

Tags: adult attachment disordersadult reactive attachment disorderanxiety disorders,borderline motherborderline personality disorderbrain developmentchild abuse,depression,derealizationdisorganized disoriented insecure attachment disorder,dissociation,dissociative identity disorderempathyinfant abusePosttraumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD),protective factorsPTSDresiliencyresiliency factorsrisk factorsshame

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Thursday, March 16, 2017.  WOW what a blessed day!  I have spent quite a bit of time since writing my last post out on the streets of this little amazing town talking to people.  Because I am too lazy to write this post in a Word document so I can ‘fancy up’ links, I will simply put this link here to what I think will be the PERFECT venue for my One Global Family Creative Arts Team project (as I described it in my last post).

http://silvercitytourism.org/destinations/penny-park/

I was told by a mother who says her 8-year-old daughter is incredibly talented in art and photography about this park possibility today.  I just came home at sunset now from a two hour venture over there and this park is INCREDIBLE!  I have never seen a nicer child and family friendly park in my life!  AND it has two LARGE pavilions that can be used for the Team project!  Tomorrow I will speak with someone from the city about using this amazing place for this amazing project!

How such a really poor town could create such a park is a miracle!  The entire community worked together to build it.  It is called Penny Park because EVERY child and person who was a part of its creation brought a penny to contribute!

How perfect is THAT?  And the One Global Family is already there in the beautiful tile and mosaic artwork that is integral to the design of the park.

On my way walking home just now I met a wonderful elder man whose business card reads in part “TOOLS AND TALENTS TO SHARE — Paying it Forward.”  On the back of his card are the words, “To live Joyfully, even in the midst of Difficult times.”  He teaches parents and children how to make sailboats from pieces of 2′ by 4’s, dowels and paint – and says he would love to be a part of this creative venture because he wants to help children learn to CREATE with their own heart and hands in a day when digital toys are NOT giving young people this gift!  This expert sailor has also been asked by the University here to teach a course on sailing small crafts through Lifelong Learning courses.  Evidently there is a prediction that this skill will be in increasing demand in the near future for wilderness lovers who enjoy the many lakes in the protected wilderness areas north of town.

I also met another man and his soon-to-be 8 son at the park who just moved to town three days ago!  He is a woodworker.  His wife is an herbalist, dietitian and yoga teacher.  We had a most wonderful positive conversation about positive change!  This family is buying land outside of town, planning to “go off the grid.”  They want to pay me (!!!) to teach them basics of gardening in the desert.  I told him I call my honed technique “Down and Dirty Desert Gardening.”I have a lot of practice!  see

LINDA’S ADOBE PEACE GARDEN

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I also wrote a little classified ad and began running it in the daily local paper on Fridays in the ‘notices’ section (at a cost of around $20 for 3 weeks’ worth!).  It simply reads:

ACE challenge! Learn important public health facts about risk and resilience related to Adverse Childhood Experiences (ACEs)! PLEASE google — “youtube Laura Porter ACES” — and watch 1st video on the list. Share with others! Together we can change trauma patterns for our younger generations! Facebook: Self Healing Community, Silver City.

Here is the Facebook page!

https://www.facebook.com/self.healing.community.silver.city/?ref=bookmarks

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Long time readers of this blog know that I have carried an ‘attitude’ about the use of the concept of “resiliency.”  Although I have not yet resolved my own conundrum about this term, I have moved forward at least as far as to occasionally THINK about writing a post about my thinking up to this point in time.

Protective factors and resiliency – two separate yet intimately connected processes?

Basically I am ‘sensing’, personally, that I would divide things up along these lines:

(1) Protective factors might be things in our lives that have and do work to give us increased powers toward healing from trauma.  These factors ‘soften’ trauma impacts.  I think protective factors might be somewhat tangible.  We can POINT to them in some way.

(2) Resiliency, in my current contemplations about it, is RELATIONSHIP based.  It is an interactional process with living substances – which definitely includes with PEOPLE!  I would put interactions with nature and animals in my resiliency pot!

So, for example, as horrific as my first 18 years of abuse were, I can name protective factors – as I categorize them – that enabled me and gave me the strength to, endure and survive what was impossible to survive!  Among these:  I was born white and female (unfortunately in our not-very-healthy culture this is true); my parents were smart, educated; my father was professionally employed; neither parent was in prison (although my mom qualified, that’s for sure!); I went to school during an era when bullying had its lid on; I was not an only child; I went to good schools…… etc.

I did not have ‘resiliency relationships’ with adults to sustain me and only fare bones contact even with my own siblings (as explained in my book noted below).  HOWEVER, once my parents moved from Los Angeles to Alaska when I was five, and then staked claim to a mountain homestead there when I was seven, I had the incredible power of the wilderness to have relationship with — and I DID!

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Now, fast forwarding past these few notes on the topic, I will say that I have some instinctual “patterns” within me about resiliency, especially as it connects to powers to overcome trauma (see Facebook page noted above for link references).  What I am going to do is work to create a community resiliency program — in some ways as an experiment in PROCESS — to see how this all interplays together.

It will take time for the “ACEs Awareness” to gain ground in this little town, but I am NOT going to wait any longer with hopes “something will get going” in terms of HOW to introduce ACE healing here.  As the man I met in the park mentioned, there are forces one might call “divine appointments” that bring us together in ways that we cannot anticipate.

These are life’s wonders.  They are miracles.

Miracles.  Sure!

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Oh, an one of my neighbors stopped over for a little chat today.  He said he recently read in one of the newspapers here and article about the fact, evidently (hard to believe!), that the county this small town resides in currently has the highest unemployment rate of any county in the nation.

Hummm….  Using my formula above I guess I would say there are some problems with ‘protective factors’ here.  I was, in fact, told by someone in town yesterday, a native of this town, that NO parent will come to a child-parent activity because ALL of them are working 2-3 jobs.  This woman told me that 50% of the population here is at the poverty line.

I might take the time soon to study ALL statistics on this town that I can locate.  Or — that can wait.  I might also be able to find the article my neighbor mentioned by scouring the piles of papers at one of the local coffee shops.  Or — that can wait, too.

Details.  I bet those are connected to protective factors.

Talking to people, discovering interest and talent for this project, all THIS part of my life?  Yeah.  I will call this resiliency building.

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Leave a Comment »

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Here is my first book out in ebook format as it provides an outline of the conditions of my malevolent childhood.  Click here to view or purchase–

Story Without Words:  How Did Child Abuse Break My Mother?

It lists for $2.99 and can be read by Amazon Prime customers without charge.  A daring book – for daring readers – about a really tough subject.

++++

Tags: adult attachment disordersadult reactive attachment disorderanxiety disorders,borderline motherborderline personality disorderbrain developmentchild abuse,depression,derealizationdisorganized disoriented insecure attachment disorder,dissociation,dissociative identity disorderempathyinfant abusePosttraumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD),protective factorsPTSDresiliencyresiliency factorsrisk factorsshame

Read Full Post »

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Tuesday, March 14, 2017.  WOW I think a lot, and I really REALLY miss having collaborators to talk things out with.  I have for a very long time known that conversations of substance and value with others helps me complete thoughts so I don’t just chase tails of ideas — alone — that struggle to put themselves into useful context.

Useful context.  WOW that is a critical piece, evidently, of who I am.  Of HOW I need to be in the world.

Just a moment ago the thoughts that led me to my computer to write this blog post had to do with pausing to wonder why I so often think of A STORM as a BAD thing!  I was thinking about this ALONENESS I feel right now without any compatriots, no collaborators, to help me with the “Big Plan” that hatched itself 9 days ago in my being — as far as I can tell — out of nowhere.  I was thinking that maybe this alone feeling is a kind of pause before the storm.  A calmness before the storm.  Like at a race starting line.  Right up to THAT MOMENT WHEN~!!!!!

I would guess, if I can back away from fear and a kind of panic at my aloneness right now, that ‘where’ I am right now is part of creativity.  Part of creative process.  Hence?  A part of life.  Of living an intentionally creative life.

I have periodically examined my thoughts about chaos and trauma over at least three decades now.  My boiling-down process left chaos simply as a state where ANYTHING is possible (primary state of our right social-emotional right limbic brain when it’s left alone in its own juices to ‘non-think’ for itself).  ANYTHING.

To me chaos as a state, therefore, is nothing but ‘full of potential, full of possibilities’.

Very often language in words is not an easy part of my creative process.  Making things out of stuff with my  hands is a much more comfortable process, it seems, than working to make something appear out of my passion reflected in ideas like THIS one.

So, I will give a little overview of what I am planning to make happen in this little town of 11,000 people.

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One Global Family Creative Arts Team

A community grassroots drop-in studio for fun creative activity

FREE – ALL ages welcome!
– (children must be with responsible caregivers)
– basic supplies provided 
– Donations of and for art supplies appreciated!

Dedicated to —

Encouraging, supporting & showcasing the talents of children, youth & their families, along with community people – in arts & crafts, photography & video, music & dance, writing & poetry, public speaking & drama, sewing & fashion, cooking & gardening — along with leadership & service to others & the world!

To be held Sundays beginning May 7, 2017 from 11:30 to 2:30 pm in the Community Room of the Market Cafe

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This idea that has come to me  is connected to the fact that I am a Nationally Registered Art Therapist, MA in Art Education – in this case making use of my skills with an effort toward creating self-healing community and providing resiliency opportunities — which is tied so closely to everything in this video – Adverse Childhood Experience: ACES — Laura Porterhttps://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kHH37ia6Wc8

I especially want to encourage the higher ACEs families to come enjoy this opportunity.  The Food Co-op which is offering the room space free is mostly white.  There is a very large Hispanic population here.  This great mostly organic Co-op food is EXPENSIVE, and large portions of the population here is very poor.  They cannot shop at the place where this space exists.  This bothers me, and I don’t know (yet) what to do about this problem.  Are poor people, to put is most simply, going to feel at all comfortable coming to an event held where the not-very-poor (mostly white) people shop while they cannot?

I also wanted to have an attractive, very positive information table present at these creative events, which will include SOMETHING I can come up with to present the CDC ACE info.  I searched the town today to find parenting classes and other parenting support information.  So far I have come up empty handed!!  The people at the public mental health center looked as open-mouthed dumbfounded at my questions for parenting class resources as the people at the co-op were when I asked them about the vast cultural and economic disparities in their shoppers and co-op members.

Frustrated, but not dissuaded.  I am so hoping to find some collaborators to help with this project — on every level!  There is a great resource here in an excellent small charter school (6th – 12th grade).  So many kids want to get into that school that they have to hold a lottery where the lucky few get to share in a great opportunity others do not have.

But, I hear, one of the key aspects of this school is their strong emphasis on students performing community service.  I actually think there is NOTHING that will need to be done in terms of graphic design, advertising process, set up and take down, working on collections of art supply donations, dispensing invitations within the community, welcoming, assisting children and their families — that THIS group of community members cannot do!  *And hopefully these students (with or without my direct effort) will come up with ways to invite others to assist them from the public schools!

School is out on break this week, so NEXT week I will begin to investigate this hopeful option.  I also think those students will be able to think about the economic disparities and the cultural divisions in this area very competently, creatively, and perhaps even eagerly!

Meanwhile I HAD to talk to SOMEBODY – and dear readers — that is why this post exists!  Thank you for reading!

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NICE LINKS!

http://upliftconnect.com/opposite-addiction-connection/

http://upliftconnect.com/neuroscience-of-singing/

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Here is my first book out in ebook format as it provides an outline of the conditions of my malevolent childhood.  Click here to view or purchase–

Story Without Words:  How Did Child Abuse Break My Mother?

It lists for $2.99 and can be read by Amazon Prime customers without charge.  A daring book – for daring readers – about a really tough subject.

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Tags: adult attachment disordersadult reactive attachment disorderanxiety disorders,borderline motherborderline personality disorderbrain developmentchild abuse,depression,derealizationdisorganized disoriented insecure attachment disorder,dissociation,dissociative identity disorderempathyinfant abusePosttraumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD),protective factorsPTSDresiliencyresiliency factorsrisk factorsshame

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Friday, February 24, 2017.  I have written many posts here in the past about early trauma recovery.  Circles and cycles, time itself, whizzes past and topics come around again and again.  Today I am specifically thinking back to posts about healing as a search for our pristine self as we existed in the midst of terror, chaos, turbulence, trauma that we could not comprehend, escape, even anticipate — that came to us over and over and over again.

This level of healing is a kind of archaeological excavation of selfhood.  Here are some of those earlier posts —

+BURIED TREASURE (Dark Side book 2, chapter 22)

+WHAT DO WE WANT TO DO WITH THE INFO IN OUR TRAUMA MEMORIES?

+WHEN THE GOODNESS APPEARS IN SPITE OF THE TRAUMAS

+THAT MESS – WAS NEVER MINE

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I have nearly completed this tapestry weaving, the first I have done in at least 30 years.  I feel very blessed to have arrived at a southwestern New Mexican town that is home to MANY fiber artists.  Spinning and weaving are a part of ME — of my SELF — and last night after probably a hundred plus hours of working on this tapestry — in the middle of the night when I felt too troubled by unseen cares to sleep — I put in some overtime on this work of my art.

The reward that came to me was completely unanticipated!  As I near the finish line — either by pattern design or by running out of warp thread on the loom — I ………

Hum…….  How do I express this?

The easiest way is that suddenly I SAW MY SELF!!  Clearly, there I was in that section of particular colors, texture — that exact PLACE in this weaving came together in some magical, mysterious way — in such a way — that there I was having myself reflected back to myself.

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Now for “regular people” I doubt this kind of experience ever happens to or for them.  As the developmental neuroscientists can now track even in our physiological development, the self of a human being comes clear through a very specific attachment relationship beginning, really, even before birth — with a mother.

Untold events can interrupt, intercede,interfere with and even break this process early in one’s life.  The severe psychotic break my own mother had laboring hard to birth me made a total, complete, abysmal disaster of any hope of a sustained, sustainable, loving, caring, adequate (etc.) attachment relationship between Mother and me.

Through patterns of horrendous abuse and neglect that followed my birth — how EXACTLY — did I ever “become” a self at all?

Well, that’s too big a subject for this post, that’s for sure!  Yet it is quite simple to say that my self — SELF — did exist within that hell always.  At my current age of 65 I can also say that my relationship with mySELF has not been smooth – sometimes it has been invisible — sometimes I have been and am lost to mySELF —

So when mySELF showed up in the mirror (think attachment mirroring, attunement processes essential to human development…..) — of my weaving last night/early morning I FELT this happen and this MATTERS greatly to me!

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It has always been easy for me to loose mySELF in the caregiving process of others.  We all know how many billions of ways this can happen for us.  As a mother of at least one of my children under the age of 18 in my home/care, mySELF continued for those 35 years to be organized around caring for them.

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NOTE:  If you put “collins need” into the search bar at the top of the blog here you will find a series of articles that describe exactly how our attachment self-needs and our ability to give care to others are intimately (and physiologically) connected.  There is a lot of really important info in that series of blog posts.

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I do believe that going all the way back as far as we can remember to find our SELF in the midst of the trauma of our early years MUST include finding out what we LOVED — what we LOVED doing!  What intrigued us?  Interested us?  Made us curious?  From a VERY young age these kinds of self-touchstones existed.  What EVER brought us a sense of PEACE?

Those self-touchstones are a PART of us, connected to (I believe) the very special, precious, unique soul-self person that we were created AS = our SELF.  We all have certain capacities, talents, things we LOVE to do — and our SELF has NOTHING to do with trauma!

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However, I do believe that early trauma – any kind of unresolved trauma that has had residual and/or current connections to our SELF — quite simply put for an extremely complex situation — MESSES UP our relationship with our SELF.

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And again, most simply put, working with my hands to make things creatively has always been a part of my SELF.  Having this weaving/weaver/spinning/spinner part of me activated right now must give me more than a THREAD of a connection to my essential self!  Last night – for that split second in time – which I noticed, relished, appreciated, studied this connected-self experience for as long as I could — and hope to experience again — there was an unimaginably strong and immeasurably wide connection of ME to ME.

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Readers of this blog who caught my post three years ago when I was up north caring for the youngest of my grandsons about that incredible instant I witnessed — as he FOUND and IDENTIFIED and CONNECTED through a conscious felt experience — for the very first time — with his OWN self — might recognize my own similar experience being described here “in the weaving” process I describe.

It is the same clear, incredibly JOY-filled recognition my grandson put into words back then when he was 22 months old:  “HERE IT IS!!!  RIGHT THERE!”

I was sitting down.  He came up to me, face to face, eye to eye when he shared this epiphany of literal self discovery and felt self realization with me — tapping himself right in the middle of his chest.

Being a part of his awakening will always be one of the most precious moments of my life.  And the fact that the time I spent caring for him to the best of my ability MADE that exact experience possible — give me limitless joy.

Now….   This FEELING FELT experience of my SELF at times takes for me — a LOT of tough healing WORK to reach!  Sometimes it feels hopeless.  Last night I remembered IT IS NOT!

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SONG – 

VIDEO ON HARLOW’S RESEARCH –

ARTICLE –

https://www.verywell.com/harry-harlow-and-the-nature-of-love-2795255

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Here is my first book out in ebook format as it provides an outline of the conditions of my malevolent childhood.  Click here to view or purchase–

Story Without Words:  How Did Child Abuse Break My Mother?

It lists for $2.99 and can be read by Amazon Prime customers without charge.  A daring book – for daring readers – about a really tough subject.

++++

Tags: adult attachment disordersadult reactive attachment disorderanxiety disorders,borderline motherborderline personality disorderbrain developmentchild abuse,depression,derealizationdisorganized disoriented insecure attachment disorder,dissociation,dissociative identity disorderempathyinfant abusePosttraumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD),protective factorsPTSDresiliencyresiliency factorsrisk factorsshame

Read Full Post »

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Monday, February 20, 2017.

A movie my friend recommended –about kindness — I have not yet watched this — but I will —

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A place on this blog for some of my autism awareness writings are — very slowly — accumulating — (so it seems) —  there is a page posted here of some of my thoughts today (including my thinking….  looking backward at my entire life, it is possible that within autism = we are designed to live in a beautiful, peaceful world.  That’s who we are.  We do not adapt to (dare I say) the kind of CRAP that others DO adapt to — because they can….  Autism does not allow for “learning” to do that — perhaps this “learning to adapt” can be taught as in mimic….)

SPECTRUM GIRL

https://stopthestorm.wordpress.com/spectrum-girl/

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I have been blessed to meet a wonderful woman in town who has a weaving/spinning store four blocks from my house here.  She has so kindly inspired me to weave again.  So, I have been weaving — a tapestry — first one in over 35 years.  The craft is IN me, a part of me — it was “right here” when I picked this up again.  That amazing me.  Working body memory — combined with a certain kind of talent.

I have also ordered two fine fleece to spin!  They have not arrived yet.  They are expensive on my budget – and shipping costs are AWFUL!  But this will be cheaper, to spin my own yarn for weaving, than it would be to buy it.

That’s why I quit weaving in the first place.  It costs money.  And nobody wants to PAY for finished products.

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This weaving now — has some geometrics (this is, after all, a kind of “sampler” to get back in the flow of the craft) — and it evolved into two trees — one on left is a fall tree — one on the right is a thriving green leaf tree — leaving things behind — transitions — old life leaving — to return or be born again newly…. transformation…..

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more later!!  thanks for stopping by!!

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This is one of the excellent autism videos —

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Leave a Comment »

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Here is my first book out in ebook format as it provides an outline of the conditions of my malevolent childhood.  Click here to view or purchase–

Story Without Words:  How Did Child Abuse Break My Mother?

It lists for $2.99 and can be read by Amazon Prime customers without charge.  A daring book – for daring readers – about a really tough subject.

++++

Tags: adult attachment disordersadult reactive attachment disorderanxiety disorders,borderline motherborderline personality disorderbrain developmentchild abuse,depression,derealizationdisorganized disoriented insecure attachment disorder,dissociation,dissociative identity disorderempathyinfant abusePosttraumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD),protective factorsPTSDresiliencyresiliency factorsrisk factorsshame

Read Full Post »

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Monday, February 6, 2017.  There is a link here to a video (you can click to enlarge to fullscreen) of Lady Gaga’s incredible half-time performance from yesterday at Super Bowl 2017.  Besides my joy at watching such unbelievable talent of singer and dancers, I felt like I was witnessing an entire generation respond — like a changing of the guards — within American life.  So much strength, health, energy and power in YOUTH!

I know of no one personally who is relaxed, confident and happy about the overall state of our nation right now.  Everything seems to be about controversy.  And I feel so hemmed in, so helpless to see any bigger picture right now, because I essentially cannot experience any part of the great changes going on in this nation and in the whole world from any other vantage point than the one given to me as a member of my generation as a Baby Boomer.

I feel heightened awareness that it is NEVER simply one generation who holds sway over history-in-the-making.  Time does not stand still.  Yet how can one generation EVER really understand what life is like either for an older generation or for the younger ones who are occupying current moments in time?  I cannot BECOME a member of any generation other than my own.

I am struggling with this fact, yet watching Lady Gaga’s show I think I caught the barest of glimmerings of a HUGE younger part of our population as I HOPE they will positively and enthusiastically arise to utilize all possible talents and abilities to change this world – and our nation – moving forward – so MUCH for the better!

All I could come up with today in way of understanding of what makes even a small bit of sense to me I put into the following few words as I think about myself, my same-generation peers, and the generations born after me:

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r/evolution

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Baby Boomer generation reaching shore

sand sucking out beneath our feet

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Some of us stood against The Man

fighting segregation

war

misogyny

the chase after The Almighty Buck.

What is happening to our dream?

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turning tides

shifting power

To the young:

More of you

PLEASE do much better.

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Leave a Comment »

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Here is my first book out in ebook format as it provides an outline of the conditions of my malevolent childhood.  Click here to view or purchase–

Story Without Words:  How Did Child Abuse Break My Mother?

It lists for $2.99 and can be read by Amazon Prime customers without charge.  A daring book – for daring readers – about a really tough subject.

++++

Tags: adult attachment disordersadult reactive attachment disorderanxiety disorders,borderline motherborderline personality disorderbrain developmentchild abuse,depression,derealizationdisorganized disoriented insecure attachment disorder,dissociation,dissociative identity disorderempathyinfant abusePosttraumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD),protective factorsPTSDresiliencyresiliency factorsrisk factorsshame

 

 

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Wednesday, February 1, 2017.  In amongst the many thousands of pages on this blog is the neuroscientific presentation about how important it is for peaceful calm to be the primary, central default experiencing opportunity for an infant so that this state of peaceful calm is built into its rapidly developing right social emotional brain hemisphere and nervous system as the set point of balanced equilibrium from which all other e-motions stem from and return to.

Nature has, I absolutely believe, designed MOTHERS to be the primary caregiver of infants during their first year of life.  This time, for us complex big-brain humans, SHOULD occur within the womb if it COULD – which of course it cannot.  Not only could we not get out of our ‘1st matrix’, but we also must go through – environmental influence interactional experiences – so that we can adapt most fully to the circumstances of the world we are born into.

The environment a mother lives within intimately affects her state of well-being, and her state is passed directly to her infant.  If a mother leaves her young infant in the care of strangers, yeah – the infant will be affected through changes to safe and secure continual attachment interaction of infant with mother, etc.

Shorthand:  If a human has little or no overriding sense of peaceful calm built into the center of their physiology from birth (accurately, from conception) as their set point of balanced equilibrium, peace itself will not be a primary experience.  It will be at best – secondary.

I do believe that humans can, will and must learn what peace even is.  Obviously, the drama humans pursue does not well lend itself to peace of any kind.

We need to calm down.  Way way down.

And, yes, I do believe this process is about learning how the “maternal qualities of nurturance” can expand while the “masculine” aggression qualities diminish.

Neuroscientists clearly describe how infants need lots of ‘down time’ to integrate information about the world that comes to them as stimulation.  Infants suffer from neglect where there is not enough of the right kind of stimulation and from over stimulation of EVERY kind.

Happiness?  Too much hurts a baby, and not having time to pause to integrate hurts a baby.  Humans are optimally designed should the best possible environment exist from conception forward — exactly for PEACEFUL CALM!  We are designed for this state to sustain us.

Long story short – we do as a species need to hit that pause control button.  We need to stabilize.  We need to cut out our addiction to drama for the sake of drama.

Or we are going to burn ourselves out.  We are smarter than that.  By a long shot.

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Leave a Comment »

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Here is my first book out in ebook format as it provides an outline of the conditions of my malevolent childhood.  Click here to view or purchase–

Story Without Words:  How Did Child Abuse Break My Mother?

It lists for $2.99 and can be read by Amazon Prime customers without charge.  A daring book – for daring readers – about a really tough subject.

++++

Tags: adult attachment disordersadult reactive attachment disorderanxiety disorders,borderline motherborderline personality disorderbrain developmentchild abuse,depression,derealizationdisorganized disoriented insecure attachment disorder,dissociation,dissociative identity disorderempathyinfant abusePosttraumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD),protective factorsPTSDresiliencyresiliency factorsrisk factorsshame

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