Monday, May 29, 2017. I am angry. Really, really angry. Not, perhaps, as angry as I was a couple of hours ago, but I would certainly NOT say that I am peaceful and calm.
I have neighbors kitty corner across the street from me who feed 50+ pigeons. A month ago I posted a kind, clear note on their door requesting that this feeding stop. The male rooster birds, at least seven of them, spend dawn to dark sitting on the power poles, power lines, roof tops right where I live making their noxious broken record broken record broken record unremitting car alarm car alarm CAR ALARM calls – and because with my autism spectrum EXTREMELY acute and sensitive powers of hearing I cannot – CANNOT tolerate their horrible racket.
I also cannot ignore noxious stimuli. I cannot blanket sound, diminish it as irrelevant, banish it into the background in ANY way.
Over this past month I have not SEEN the neighbors throwing buckets of food on the ground every morning, but I also have not seen the birds leave this area of town – to grace the REST of this town with their presence.
Because out of my sense of fairness I put my email address at the bottom of the note – thinking it was I who was initiating confrontation so the least I could do was provide an avenue of contact to my neighbors other than forcing them to come talk with me – I left myself available for the email they sent me last night.
WHAT did they say? That they are feeding the birds in the darkness now so I can’t SEE them feeding, that they have been feeding the pigeons for years, and that if I don’t like living with the noise – I can MOVE!
Well, at least last eve I was able to courteously acknowledge their message. TODAY? RAGE!
Turns out I have several major portions of my life over which I am ANGRY! But the immediate concern is that those birds LEAVE – which means neighbors cease from FEEDING THEM!
There is a city ordinance in my defense. I can contact the city. I would rather not be pushed to that point.
I sent an email today with the ordinance link in it. I ALSO – well, I am MAD enough to do it – included links to the CDC ACE Study page and to one of Laura Porter’s ACEs videos. I also mentioned that most people who prefer non-humans to people did not have safe and secure early attachment! I also assured them that I am nobody’s enemy!
HA HA HA!!
Now, the OTHER side of this very difficult coin is for me the lifelong learning it is STILL taking me to begin to glimpse a comprehension that personal FORGIVENESS has NOTHING at ALL to do with JUSTICE!!
This present threat to my sanctuary home and its sound area is all tangled up with my horrid 18 year early years’ torment, torture and abuse. It is connected to the fact that I had NOBODY on my side, nobody who had my back!
Well, over the past month as these male birds continue to torture me with their presence and noxious noise, I have tried to “think kind thoughts” about my neighbors, knowing (HA!) if they HAD not fed those birds they would not all 50 of them remain congregated within a block of my house.
Now that I learned the birds are STILL being fed, my compassionate efforts turned to hot cinders and vanished in today’s strong winds.
NOW? This present moment NOW? This issue was NEVER about forgiveness. It was about me trying ‘to be nice’, trying to ……… do WHAT?
Avoid invoking the law for my own protection and in defense of my self and my home.
Justice has NOTHING to do with forgiveness! There was no justice in my childhood to defend or protect me. Oh – don’t even get me started!
Today? If those neighbors continue to feed the birds the pests will not dissipate. I will give this whole situation – how long – before I contact the city?
I am not sure – yet.
And, yes, forgiveness matters. It is how, as I am trying to learn, the way we keep the hurts and the rage out of our innards. It’s how we maintain right relations with our self, our Creator, and with one another.
Yet when one has nobody to do the work for them, we must access the justice available through the law ALSO.
As my friend here in town told me today in reference to her own history, there reaches a point where we simply are left knowing we have our limits. Our boundaries. Our rights. As my friend says, when she reaches THAT point, that is the DON’T MESS WITH ME point.
That’s right. That’s me. Today. And I am working to learn how my abuse history is tangled up in why it took me so long to reach this point!
(I mean, really, WHO would tell someone in this situation they were still feeding the pigeons – in the dark? Who does something like that? Perhaps the real question is WHY? (Hence my sending them back the ACEs info links.)
Yeah, I am making progress. This is now downright approaching FUNNY! I mean – REALLY?)
Click here to
Here is my first book out in ebook format as it provides an outline of the conditions of my malevolent childhood. Click here to view or purchase–
It lists for $2.99 and can be read by Amazon Prime customers without charge. A daring book – for daring readers – about a really tough subject.
Tags: adult attachment disorders, adult reactive attachment disorder, anxiety disorders,borderline mother, borderline personality disorder, brain development, child abuse,depression,derealization, disorganized disoriented insecure attachment disorder,dissociation,dissociative identity disorder, empathy, infant abuse, Posttraumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD),protective factors, PTSD, resiliency, resiliency factors, risk factors, shame