+OUR EARLY SELF –TOUCHSTONES

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Friday, February 24, 2017.  I have written many posts here in the past about early trauma recovery.  Circles and cycles, time itself, whizzes past and topics come around again and again.  Today I am specifically thinking back to posts about healing as a search for our pristine self as we existed in the midst of terror, chaos, turbulence, trauma that we could not comprehend, escape, even anticipate — that came to us over and over and over again.

This level of healing is a kind of archaeological excavation of selfhood.  Here are some of those earlier posts —

+BURIED TREASURE (Dark Side book 2, chapter 22)

+WHAT DO WE WANT TO DO WITH THE INFO IN OUR TRAUMA MEMORIES?

+WHEN THE GOODNESS APPEARS IN SPITE OF THE TRAUMAS

+THAT MESS – WAS NEVER MINE

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I have nearly completed this tapestry weaving, the first I have done in at least 30 years.  I feel very blessed to have arrived at a southwestern New Mexican town that is home to MANY fiber artists.  Spinning and weaving are a part of ME — of my SELF — and last night after probably a hundred plus hours of working on this tapestry — in the middle of the night when I felt too troubled by unseen cares to sleep — I put in some overtime on this work of my art.

The reward that came to me was completely unanticipated!  As I near the finish line — either by pattern design or by running out of warp thread on the loom — I ………

Hum…….  How do I express this?

The easiest way is that suddenly I SAW MY SELF!!  Clearly, there I was in that section of particular colors, texture — that exact PLACE in this weaving came together in some magical, mysterious way — in such a way — that there I was having myself reflected back to myself.

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Now for “regular people” I doubt this kind of experience ever happens to or for them.  As the developmental neuroscientists can now track even in our physiological development, the self of a human being comes clear through a very specific attachment relationship beginning, really, even before birth — with a mother.

Untold events can interrupt, intercede,interfere with and even break this process early in one’s life.  The severe psychotic break my own mother had laboring hard to birth me made a total, complete, abysmal disaster of any hope of a sustained, sustainable, loving, caring, adequate (etc.) attachment relationship between Mother and me.

Through patterns of horrendous abuse and neglect that followed my birth — how EXACTLY — did I ever “become” a self at all?

Well, that’s too big a subject for this post, that’s for sure!  Yet it is quite simple to say that my self — SELF — did exist within that hell always.  At my current age of 65 I can also say that my relationship with mySELF has not been smooth – sometimes it has been invisible — sometimes I have been and am lost to mySELF —

So when mySELF showed up in the mirror (think attachment mirroring, attunement processes essential to human development…..) — of my weaving last night/early morning I FELT this happen and this MATTERS greatly to me!

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It has always been easy for me to loose mySELF in the caregiving process of others.  We all know how many billions of ways this can happen for us.  As a mother of at least one of my children under the age of 18 in my home/care, mySELF continued for those 35 years to be organized around caring for them.

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NOTE:  If you put “collins need” into the search bar at the top of the blog here you will find a series of articles that describe exactly how our attachment self-needs and our ability to give care to others are intimately (and physiologically) connected.  There is a lot of really important info in that series of blog posts.

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I do believe that going all the way back as far as we can remember to find our SELF in the midst of the trauma of our early years MUST include finding out what we LOVED — what we LOVED doing!  What intrigued us?  Interested us?  Made us curious?  From a VERY young age these kinds of self-touchstones existed.  What EVER brought us a sense of PEACE?

Those self-touchstones are a PART of us, connected to (I believe) the very special, precious, unique soul-self person that we were created AS = our SELF.  We all have certain capacities, talents, things we LOVE to do — and our SELF has NOTHING to do with trauma!

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However, I do believe that early trauma – any kind of unresolved trauma that has had residual and/or current connections to our SELF — quite simply put for an extremely complex situation — MESSES UP our relationship with our SELF.

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And again, most simply put, working with my hands to make things creatively has always been a part of my SELF.  Having this weaving/weaver/spinning/spinner part of me activated right now must give me more than a THREAD of a connection to my essential self!  Last night – for that split second in time – which I noticed, relished, appreciated, studied this connected-self experience for as long as I could — and hope to experience again — there was an unimaginably strong and immeasurably wide connection of ME to ME.

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Readers of this blog who caught my post three years ago when I was up north caring for the youngest of my grandsons about that incredible instant I witnessed — as he FOUND and IDENTIFIED and CONNECTED through a conscious felt experience — for the very first time — with his OWN self — might recognize my own similar experience being described here “in the weaving” process I describe.

It is the same clear, incredibly JOY-filled recognition my grandson put into words back then when he was 22 months old:  “HERE IT IS!!!  RIGHT THERE!”

I was sitting down.  He came up to me, face to face, eye to eye when he shared this epiphany of literal self discovery and felt self realization with me — tapping himself right in the middle of his chest.

Being a part of his awakening will always be one of the most precious moments of my life.  And the fact that the time I spent caring for him to the best of my ability MADE that exact experience possible — give me limitless joy.

Now….   This FEELING FELT experience of my SELF at times takes for me — a LOT of tough healing WORK to reach!  Sometimes it feels hopeless.  Last night I remembered IT IS NOT!

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SONG – 

VIDEO ON HARLOW’S RESEARCH –

ARTICLE –

https://www.verywell.com/harry-harlow-and-the-nature-of-love-2795255

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Here is my first book out in ebook format as it provides an outline of the conditions of my malevolent childhood.  Click here to view or purchase–

Story Without Words:  How Did Child Abuse Break My Mother?

It lists for $2.99 and can be read by Amazon Prime customers without charge.  A daring book – for daring readers – about a really tough subject.

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Tags: adult attachment disordersadult reactive attachment disorderanxiety disorders,borderline motherborderline personality disorderbrain developmentchild abuse,depression,derealizationdisorganized disoriented insecure attachment disorder,dissociation,dissociative identity disorderempathyinfant abusePosttraumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD),protective factorsPTSDresiliencyresiliency factorsrisk factorsshame

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+LITTLE MATTERS (of the day)

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Monday, February 20, 2017.

A movie my friend recommended –about kindness — I have not yet watched this — but I will —

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A place on this blog for some of my autism awareness writings are — very slowly — accumulating — (so it seems) —  there is a page posted here of some of my thoughts today (including my thinking….  looking backward at my entire life, it is possible that within autism = we are designed to live in a beautiful, peaceful world.  That’s who we are.  We do not adapt to (dare I say) the kind of CRAP that others DO adapt to — because they can….  Autism does not allow for “learning” to do that — perhaps this “learning to adapt” can be taught as in mimic….)

SPECTRUM GIRL

https://stopthestorm.wordpress.com/spectrum-girl/

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I have been blessed to meet a wonderful woman in town who has a weaving/spinning store four blocks from my house here.  She has so kindly inspired me to weave again.  So, I have been weaving — a tapestry — first one in over 35 years.  The craft is IN me, a part of me — it was “right here” when I picked this up again.  That amazing me.  Working body memory — combined with a certain kind of talent.

I have also ordered two fine fleece to spin!  They have not arrived yet.  They are expensive on my budget – and shipping costs are AWFUL!  But this will be cheaper, to spin my own yarn for weaving, than it would be to buy it.

That’s why I quit weaving in the first place.  It costs money.  And nobody wants to PAY for finished products.

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This weaving now — has some geometrics (this is, after all, a kind of “sampler” to get back in the flow of the craft) — and it evolved into two trees — one on left is a fall tree — one on the right is a thriving green leaf tree — leaving things behind — transitions — old life leaving — to return or be born again newly…. transformation…..

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more later!!  thanks for stopping by!!

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This is one of the excellent autism videos —

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Leave a Comment »

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Here is my first book out in ebook format as it provides an outline of the conditions of my malevolent childhood.  Click here to view or purchase–

Story Without Words:  How Did Child Abuse Break My Mother?

It lists for $2.99 and can be read by Amazon Prime customers without charge.  A daring book – for daring readers – about a really tough subject.

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Tags: adult attachment disordersadult reactive attachment disorderanxiety disorders,borderline motherborderline personality disorderbrain developmentchild abuse,depression,derealizationdisorganized disoriented insecure attachment disorder,dissociation,dissociative identity disorderempathyinfant abusePosttraumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD),protective factorsPTSDresiliencyresiliency factorsrisk factorsshame

+R/EVOLUTION?

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Monday, February 6, 2017.  There is a link here to a video (you can click to enlarge to fullscreen) of Lady Gaga’s incredible half-time performance from yesterday at Super Bowl 2017.  Besides my joy at watching such unbelievable talent of singer and dancers, I felt like I was witnessing an entire generation respond — like a changing of the guards — within American life.  So much strength, health, energy and power in YOUTH!

I know of no one personally who is relaxed, confident and happy about the overall state of our nation right now.  Everything seems to be about controversy.  And I feel so hemmed in, so helpless to see any bigger picture right now, because I essentially cannot experience any part of the great changes going on in this nation and in the whole world from any other vantage point than the one given to me as a member of my generation as a Baby Boomer.

I feel heightened awareness that it is NEVER simply one generation who holds sway over history-in-the-making.  Time does not stand still.  Yet how can one generation EVER really understand what life is like either for an older generation or for the younger ones who are occupying current moments in time?  I cannot BECOME a member of any generation other than my own.

I am struggling with this fact, yet watching Lady Gaga’s show I think I caught the barest of glimmerings of a HUGE younger part of our population as I HOPE they will positively and enthusiastically arise to utilize all possible talents and abilities to change this world – and our nation – moving forward – so MUCH for the better!

All I could come up with today in way of understanding of what makes even a small bit of sense to me I put into the following few words as I think about myself, my same-generation peers, and the generations born after me:

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r/evolution

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Baby Boomer generation reaching shore

sand sucking out beneath our feet

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Some of us stood against The Man

fighting segregation

war

misogyny

the chase after The Almighty Buck.

What is happening to our dream?

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turning tides

shifting power

To the young:

More of you

PLEASE do much better.

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Leave a Comment »

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Here is my first book out in ebook format as it provides an outline of the conditions of my malevolent childhood.  Click here to view or purchase–

Story Without Words:  How Did Child Abuse Break My Mother?

It lists for $2.99 and can be read by Amazon Prime customers without charge.  A daring book – for daring readers – about a really tough subject.

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Tags: adult attachment disordersadult reactive attachment disorderanxiety disorders,borderline motherborderline personality disorderbrain developmentchild abuse,depression,derealizationdisorganized disoriented insecure attachment disorder,dissociation,dissociative identity disorderempathyinfant abusePosttraumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD),protective factorsPTSDresiliencyresiliency factorsrisk factorsshame

 

 

+ALL OF YOU! JUST CALM DOWN!”

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Wednesday, February 1, 2017.  In amongst the many thousands of pages on this blog is the neuroscientific presentation about how important it is for peaceful calm to be the primary, central default experiencing opportunity for an infant so that this state of peaceful calm is built into its rapidly developing right social emotional brain hemisphere and nervous system as the set point of balanced equilibrium from which all other e-motions stem from and return to.

Nature has, I absolutely believe, designed MOTHERS to be the primary caregiver of infants during their first year of life.  This time, for us complex big-brain humans, SHOULD occur within the womb if it COULD – which of course it cannot.  Not only could we not get out of our ‘1st matrix’, but we also must go through – environmental influence interactional experiences – so that we can adapt most fully to the circumstances of the world we are born into.

The environment a mother lives within intimately affects her state of well-being, and her state is passed directly to her infant.  If a mother leaves her young infant in the care of strangers, yeah – the infant will be affected through changes to safe and secure continual attachment interaction of infant with mother, etc.

Shorthand:  If a human has little or no overriding sense of peaceful calm built into the center of their physiology from birth (accurately, from conception) as their set point of balanced equilibrium, peace itself will not be a primary experience.  It will be at best – secondary.

I do believe that humans can, will and must learn what peace even is.  Obviously, the drama humans pursue does not well lend itself to peace of any kind.

We need to calm down.  Way way down.

And, yes, I do believe this process is about learning how the “maternal qualities of nurturance” can expand while the “masculine” aggression qualities diminish.

Neuroscientists clearly describe how infants need lots of ‘down time’ to integrate information about the world that comes to them as stimulation.  Infants suffer from neglect where there is not enough of the right kind of stimulation and from over stimulation of EVERY kind.

Happiness?  Too much hurts a baby, and not having time to pause to integrate hurts a baby.  Humans are optimally designed should the best possible environment exist from conception forward — exactly for PEACEFUL CALM!  We are designed for this state to sustain us.

Long story short – we do as a species need to hit that pause control button.  We need to stabilize.  We need to cut out our addiction to drama for the sake of drama.

Or we are going to burn ourselves out.  We are smarter than that.  By a long shot.

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Leave a Comment »

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Here is my first book out in ebook format as it provides an outline of the conditions of my malevolent childhood.  Click here to view or purchase–

Story Without Words:  How Did Child Abuse Break My Mother?

It lists for $2.99 and can be read by Amazon Prime customers without charge.  A daring book – for daring readers – about a really tough subject.

++++

Tags: adult attachment disordersadult reactive attachment disorderanxiety disorders,borderline motherborderline personality disorderbrain developmentchild abuse,depression,derealizationdisorganized disoriented insecure attachment disorder,dissociation,dissociative identity disorderempathyinfant abusePosttraumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD),protective factorsPTSDresiliencyresiliency factorsrisk factorsshame