Sunday, September 11, 2016. There are aspects of our life as a human being that are too nebulous to describe. That, dear friends, is a sentence that says absolutely NOTHING about something, a thing, many things – that are not THINGS to begin with?
Is this a time of profound confusions for me?
Yes. Unequivocally so.
I am suspecting that when we pass along through a time in our life here on earth when everything that matters most to us is challenged more than ever before, that we lose track of how it is possible for mere words to express the inexpressible.
By catching any flying creature, are we at the same time capturing every single trace of movement through the air that creature has experienced before we caught it?
How can it be possible as we transit our life – really – to not have every memory stored within all the invisible places and spaces within us touched and in some way activated (probably ALL of the time but most certainly) during our most difficult times?
What makes something we go through DIFFICULT? Compared to what?
I don’t think high ACE score people, especially those who suffered extremely BAD (unsafe and insecure attachment) early relationships, go through very much at all in their life in an EASY way.
Such a single basic word – transforming into DIS-ease – so invisibly we often cannot determine EXACTLY when this happens – let alone HOW.
Through so many spiritual practices around the globe humans come to understand – at least periodically – that THIS lifetime is NOT about ease. It is about changes and chances – and about our reaction to them.
Sounds so simple.
There are so many ways humans can deaden the experience of having emotions. Agony. Sorrow. Hopelessness. Confusion. Terror. Who in their right mind would choose to FEEL these emotions if there is available methods for NOT feeling them?
Why are we created to even have emotions? What might be the consequences of contriving ways to deny and ignore them?
These might seem to be reason-able questions, and yet for those of us with horrendous early trauma histories, there isn’t a way to answer them.
An unsolvable paradox?
Like the one that developmental neuroscientists identify for infants and very young children who must “go on being when going on being is impossible?”
It’s like that.
There are substrates to our existence as physical AND spiritual beings in this lifetime. Those two wings of our existence must meet somewhere!
We don’t know where, though. We don’t know HOW they meet. We don’t know HOW they interplay, interconnect, intertwine.
Personally, I think we are here to learn about the invisible nature of who we are, but I also think we are in a universe essentially governed by mysteries.
Is this where faith inserts itself into our existence, our experience, our awareness (if we are lucky)?
When we live through something very difficult in our life – anything that is colored especially by loss and grief – I am thinking we have stepped at these times into a massive river that really is NOTHING BUT mysterious.
If we believe in a Creator, in a loving and all-knowing omnipotent God, we can turn our attention in that direction and ask for help. I think I did that continually from the earliest months and years of my life.
I didn’t especially get any tangible responses except that I continued to remain alive. But that life did not exclude difficulties.
That much I know.
And those difficulties are completely being triggered right now for me as I live through the paradox of not being able to leave my dearly beloved little grandsons and my daughter, their momma – at the same time I cannot stay here in this city in any kind of housing I could afford here to go through another horrid northern winter.
I don’t have it in me to stay, yet I am struggling perhaps more so than I ever have in my adult life to find within (and without) the means to leave.
I am one of 7.4 billion people on earth right now. I can pull out the ‘bash me’ card and tell myself “How dare you complain when so many others have a life so much worse than yours?”
Yeah. THAT is helpful!
Wending. Wending my way through life. I share this process with everyone.
This wending process only happens one heartbeat at a time. So what if my emotions are rocketing backward and forward in time “like nobody’s business?”
I CAN do this. That’s probably all I need to know right now
because it seems to be all that I CAN know right now.
Life. It’s a piece of work.
And to me – always – the essence of the process is about this:
“Meditate on what the poet hath written: “Wonder not, if my Best-Beloved be closer to me than mine own self; wonder at this, that I, despite such nearness, should still be so far from Him.”… ”
Gleanings From the Writings of Bahá’u’lláh, Author: Bahá’u’lláh, Source: US Bahá’í Publishing Trust, 1990 pocket-size edition, Page: 185
Here is my first book out in ebook format as it provides an outline of the conditions of my malevolent childhood. Click here to view or purchase–
It lists for $2.99 and can be read by Amazon Prime customers without charge. A daring book – for daring readers – about a really tough subject.
Tags: adult attachment disorders, adult reactive attachment disorder, anxiety disorders,borderline mother, borderline personality disorder, brain development, child abuse,depression,derealization, disorganized disoriented insecure attachment disorder,dissociation,dissociative identity disorder, empathy, infant abuse, Posttraumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD),protective factors, PTSD, resiliency, resiliency factors, risk factors, shame