Wednesday, August 24, 2016. We live in a world governed by physical laws and forces. For humans and other social species, attachment circuitry is primary. It is core and central.
In struggling with the agony of separation from those I am closest to in the world, I was led yet again to view this video of Harry Harlow’s Studies on Dependency in Monkeys that clearly shows the essential nature of these processes.
I never had the chance to build safe and secure attachment systems into my body. The psychotic abuse from Mother’s mental illness I received began at my birth.
I can imagine the FEELINGS the little monkey in this video was experiencing because I KNOW what I am feeling is very similar. Exploration into the wider word, including playfulness, does not happen when attachment trauma is activated. There is nothing present at those times other than the battle to survive, and the agony of craving a sense of being OK in the world.
To leaved my loved ones behind means that I am going against the ‘proximity seeking and fulfillment’ this video describes. Because nothing in my earliest environment happened to create a ‘mobile attachment system’ that I could carry along with me in my essential, core physiology, what I end up with is the conflict over leaving at all – which I must do – which creates even more agony.
It strikes me that this is also a pattern that keeps people in abusive relationships, making it so hard to get away. When we are stressed everything in us screams for attachment. When the attachment harms, a negative spiral goes into motion.
In my case, the negative dis-attachment is to PLACE – to THIS place. I cannot change who I am. This is not my first run through the personally devastating experience of living in this place to which I am so incompatibly matched. In my case, because my primary attachment was to nature, to the outdoors, to stillness and quiet and peacefulness that is impossible to find in a city, I am in a double-bind situation.
I know this! But to accomplish what must happen in my life means that I cannot escape the agony created as these conflictual processes and the forces inherent in them nearly literally tear me apart.
This also makes me think of children who are being ‘torn apart’ through unstable parental relationships and their machinations. This is why divorce and primary adult breakups are among the ACE parameters measured.
There are lots of ways to get your attachment-core messed up when you are a kid. LOTS.
TALKING about these processes matters both in coping with them and in healing. I imagine that’s why I am writing here today. We need our WORDS when it comes to all that complicates our lives. This never stops mattering!
PLEASE watch this!!
NOTE: It may be that in actuality insecure attachment disorders are known by the body to be a kind of ‘sickness’that is in itself an existing less than optimal condition. Sickness activates the NEEDS that attachment is meant to eliminate. Here comes the spiral!
Here is my first book out in ebook format as it provides an outline of the conditions of my malevolent childhood. Click here to view or purchase–
It lists for $2.99 and can be read by Amazon Prime customers without charge. A daring book – for daring readers – about a really tough subject.
Tags: adult attachment disorders, adult reactive attachment disorder, anxiety disorders,borderline mother, borderline personality disorder, brain development, child abuse,depression,derealization, disorganized disoriented insecure attachment disorder,dissociation,dissociative identity disorder, empathy, infant abuse, Posttraumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD),protective factors, PTSD, resiliency, resiliency factors, risk factors, shame