Saturday, March 19, 2016. What follows is a series of simple thoughts scribbled on the pages of a yellow pad of paper at the beginning of this day. (Words in parenthesis are the afterthoughts.)
Inner assurance that we belong
And are a part of something bigger
Than we are
A kind of “joining with”
And “joining up”
And “joined to”
(That we exist as wonderful entities at all)
Someone to notice what we
Like and enjoy and are good at
Noticing what we are trying
To learn and do and figure out
To affirm and guide and encourage
Give us tips and oh-so-gentle and loving age-appropriate little lessons and instructions on how to do what attracts us –
When we are little
Our tender little hearts and minds
Our thoughts. Our tiny fingers.
These tiny little links from the outside of us, alongside us, right with us, linked to
Each precious individual self
We are NOT just little bodies
We need help to grow our self – for our selfhood to be born
This precious process takes TIME. Children’s time does not run along with the giant gears of adults’ time
Little ones are “there within” in those moments when a fresh new tip of grass pops out of thawing soil
When and where a new spring leaf POPS out of its tiny wrapped sheaf of potential green
At the first-ever glimpse of the tiniest burst of a flower bringing forth its OWN color
Owning of objects can NEVER compare with owning one’s unique inner self
What do I like? What attracts me? What tickles my interest, curiosity, desire to learn, to do, to practice? (And ultimately to GIVE?) (key words: experiment and explore; the magic and creativity of life; feeling safe in a universe of infinite positive potential both within and without; confidence, competence, increasingly happy autonomy)
Who is in my world to notice? Who can I call to my side to praise me, to acknowledge my trying? To praise my tiny efforts? And in these ways to encourage me to grow Grow GROW?
(Who is there in my world to take authentic interest in my existence?)
(And who protects my sacred space within which I am blossoming forth from any intrusions that harm me?)
Nobody needs to NOTICE a leaf being born for it to open. Tiny new tips of pines simply sprout from within the main body of a tree and there they are! In existence where before there was empty space.
But for a new human being? Ah! No!
We need more than cycles of light and darkness. More than light, water and physical nutrition to bud, blossom, bloom and grow.
We DO need others to watch us. To share directly the focus of the time of their life with us during the time of our life as we are newly just being born with every one of our heartbeats. With every breath we take. With every blink of our little eyelids.
Will we be, in direct correspondence to the deprivations caused by the lack of caring others’ attention, be lost to ourselves?
And there is no greater loss in the universe than this one.
How do we foster being kindly awake and aware of ourselves and then to others in this world when there was nobody there paying necessary attention to our growth processes every step of the way especially during those stages of our life from conception to age 5?
(And certainly when those to whom our care was entrusted were not there to help us but instead greatly harmed us along every step of the way through our childhood, especially during the earliest months and years of our life?)
(And certainly, I would note, in today’s world with too-busy parents and so many tiny lost people being herded in groups through their 10-11 hour days in daycare?)
Here is our first book out in ebook format. Click here to view or purchase–
It lists for $2.99 and can be read by Amazon Prime customers without charge. A daring book – for daring readers – about a really tough subject.
Tags: adult attachment disorders, adult reactive attachment disorder, anxiety disorders,borderline mother, borderline personality disorder, brain development, child abuse,depression,derealization, disorganized disoriented insecure attachment disorder,dissociation,dissociative identity disorder, empathy, infant abuse, Posttraumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD),protective factors, PTSD, resiliency, resiliency factors, risk factors, shame