+A FEW WORDS ABOUT PANSIES AND WORMS

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Wednesday, November 24, 2015.

I cannot kill these pansies

Little bit of life

That they are

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As winter’s cold and darkness

Settles outside my door

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I hauled them inside

In their five gallon plastic buckets

After I left them out there

Long enough to freeze

Several times

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Their blossoms have given up

Yet not their buds

And not the emerald green of their leaves

And certainly not their tenacious roots

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I MUST love them

I MUST care for them

I MUST

I will

It is a part of who I am

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April through November they have blessed me with their beauty

They did not ask for life

They do not crave death

Theirs is a certain kind of bravery

Courage to the end

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And these earthworms

Are they as silent as they seem?

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What, my dear, can I give to them

Remnants from a summer garden confined

Gathered in a gelatinous mass

Having seeped themselves down through and out of the bottom holes of these buckets onto the plastic beneath them

Only to have found no real possibility of escape?

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Do they live?

Are they dead?

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I bury them again in now warm so-black bucket dirt

I can wait

We will see

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I must apologize

I am so sorry for my own confusions

My uncertainties

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I, too, share this life and death cusp

With all of you

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This seek for safety

This holding on to life

This approach to death

To transformation

First

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O worms!  I feed you water soaked cardboard and bits of paper for a winter in these buckets

In this apartment

Stashed so cleverly in a spare corner

On my kitchen floor

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Unlike my species

If there is even one of you left alive

You will reproduce.

More.

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I

Would be glad

For that.

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Note:  I cannot create my chosen spacing here without using “+” as markers

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Here is our first book out in ebook format.  Click here to view or purchase –

Story Without Words:  How Did Child Abuse Break My Mother?

It lists for $2.99 and can be read by Amazon Prime customers without charge.  A daring book – for daring readers – about a really tough subject.

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Leave a Comment »

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Tags: adult attachment disordersadult reactive attachment disorderanxiety disorders,borderline motherborderline personality disorderbrain developmentchild abuse,depression,derealizationdisorganized disoriented insecure attachment disorder,dissociation,dissociative identity disorderempathyinfant abusePosttraumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD),protective factorsPTSDresiliencyresiliency factorsrisk factorsshame

 

 

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+PEACEABLE PROCEDURE?

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Wednesday, November 24, 2015.  A different kind of peace seems to be encompassing my apartment’s living space than was here before all hell broke loose above and around me – and perhaps has left again.  So strange.  What an unwelcome ordeal.  But perhaps existed in my life – as a kind of teacher.

Relief.

I spoke via telephone for a second time yesterday with the management of this apartment complex.  This time I spoke to the ‘main man’ – and the horrendous all-hours stomping and romping, running and crashing, shaking of ceiling and walls – the great BOOMS above me – have stopped.

Relief.

Is this permanent?

Time will tell.  I feel as though I just went through a great battle of a war that appeared in my life out of nowhere.  There really is NOTHING my so-harmed-by-severe-early-abuse-and-trauma nervous system requires more than predictably stable peaceful calm.

I am STUNNED not only by what just happened here so recently but also by what happened to ME during these “attacks.”  Scary stuff.

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I keep hearing one particular echo from that management-me conversation yesterday.  As I described yet again what was happening here I also, by habit?  By my inner design?  Mentioned that “I am a good tenant….”  Management responded, “It does not matter if you are a good tenant or a bad tenant.  That kind of noise and behavior is simply not accepted in these apartments.”

Oh, within us the echoes of horrendous early years of violence, terror, abuse, trauma – they NEVER really leave us in our lifetime.  I suspect it really is ONLY a matter of what kind of circumstances we find ourselves subject to that determine how those sometimes-latent trauma changes make themselves felt in our body, in our life.

That is OK.  It has to be.  That is our reality.

What happens next is what matters.

Are we in meaningful ways protected from further harm in every situation in some way?

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I kept thinking over these past days of horrible torment (in my universe) of something I experienced way back 41 years ago.  I lived in Redwood City, CA in a 2nd floor apartment in one of those buildings that had a railed walkway on that level to reach all those apartments from the outside.

My daughter was 3 ½.  I was still, at 22, oblivious about the horrific nature of the trauma I had endured during the entire first 18 years of my life.  I knew NOTHING BUT endure and survive.

I had badly fighting neighbors on the right-wall side of my apartment.  Horrible fighting erupted one night about 2:30 in the morning as the man screamed and shouted at his wife – I could tell with a gun in his hand – threatening to shoot her.

My response?  The only response I was capable of at that time in my life?

Yes, with fear but quite calmly, I woke my little girl and carried her to my bathroom.  I crooned to her quietly, soothingly as I dragged a comforter along with us to spread out on the bottom of the cast iron bathtub where I curled up with my daughter in the only place of safety I could imagine.  We spent the rest of that very long night there waiting for bullets to come tearing through my apartment’s wall.

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I sure cannot garner any special nuggets of wisdom from this situation right now.  I feel too worn down and worn out by life, actually, to put forth the kind of effort it would take of me to try to mine something out of this any more meaningful than to say – THANK YOU for this peace and quiet here now!

What about “It should NEVER have happened in the first place?”

Moot point.

Entirely.

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It is NOT silent up there with a family and at least one child as tenants.  But it is CIVILIZED and reasonable and acceptable.  It is now doable for me to adjust my needs for quiet and peaceful calm in response to and in relationship to the life of that family that has moved in above me.

In some ways I SENSE or feel or imagine – that this family NEEDED to be able to stop the madness within their own lives.  That little child needs that peace, some kind of appropriate response by its caregiving adults.  Letting a young child, perhaps age 4 ½, run like a maniac around until after 2 am is NOT appropriate.

Not in THIS portion of the universe, at least.

Not here.  Not now.

But I am very aware of my own inner struggle to stand up for myself in this situation – even at age 64.  It was NOT easy to do.  But it was necessary.  And I hope this peace – is lasting.  I really, really DO!

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Here is our first book out in ebook format.  Click here to view or purchase –

Story Without Words:  How Did Child Abuse Break My Mother?

It lists for $2.99 and can be read by Amazon Prime customers without charge.  A daring book – for daring readers – about a really tough subject.

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Leave a Comment »

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Tags: adult attachment disordersadult reactive attachment disorderanxiety disorders,borderline motherborderline personality disorderbrain developmentchild abuse,depression,derealizationdisorganized disoriented insecure attachment disorder,dissociation,dissociative identity disorderempathyinfant abusePosttraumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD),protective factorsPTSDresiliencyresiliency factorsrisk factorsshame

 

 

+PERFECT PEACE

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Tuesday, November 24, 2015.  These few words came to me last Sunday at a time when the horrible stomping romping wall and ceiling shaking so threatening my peace from the apartment above me had abated for a time.  For the past two years I had neighbors up there who were quiet adult men.  I NEVER in ten billion years would have renewed my year’s lease if THIS family had been up there.

I really do NOT know how I can endure and survive a long North Dakota winter being trapped in here with them up there.  I am losing entire nights of sleep.  Scary.  Hard.  Very, very disturbing having people up there with no pattern to their life I can detect, little children romping hard until 2 am….

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Right on the surface of the glass

Looking inward

Looking outward

That’s where our psychology will be

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Where on a spectrum does light become sound and sound become light

To humans?

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There is a quiet there – at these places.  In these spaces.  A kind of pause – the quiet both before and within the storm.

Calmness.

Life, though, is never easy.

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There is a pause

Where darkness turns into light

(and the other way around).

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When a flying bird’s wing beats downward

That point just before the wing

Turns up again

There is an instant of

Perfect peace.

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Here is our first book out in ebook format.  Click here to view or purchase –

Story Without Words:  How Did Child Abuse Break My Mother?

It lists for $2.99 and can be read by Amazon Prime customers without charge.

++++

Leave a Comment »

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Tags: adult attachment disordersadult reactive attachment disorderanxiety disorders,borderline motherborderline personality disorderbrain developmentchild abuse,depression,derealizationdisorganized disoriented insecure attachment disorder,dissociation,dissociative identity disorderempathyinfant abusePosttraumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD),protective factorsPTSDresiliencyresiliency factorsrisk factorsshame

 

 

+WHEN EMPATHY FALTERS – AND FAILS

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Wednesday, November 17, 2015.  I remember those days, weeks, months, years when never did a blog post topic come into my thoughts that I didn’t simply write and post it.  Those times seem to me now to have been part of a different lifetime.

I could sit at my funky old desk with my laptop gazing at brilliant blue skies, across the range of my adobe flower gardens, past the tall rusted Mexican-American border fence at the topmost peaks of San Jose Mountain in Mexico, and write.

I could think.  I could ponder.  I could feel and sense and I could write.

I was living in an environment that fed, nurtured and sustained me.  Fargo, North Dakota?  Nope.  Winter is coming, etc.  Simply put, “Too much darkness.”  Working to remain positive is, well, A LOT OF WORK for me here.  A great deal of work.

There doesn’t seem much of me left over to write with (or from),

This, too, shall pass.  Everything does.  Sooner or later.

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So, (a) when given a situation with a lot of depletion going on and not much for restoration, (b) how does one FEEL?

I KNOW everyone goes through (a), but the older I get (I am 64 now) and the more American society changes, the more I see that it is certainly not true that everyone experiences (b).  At least not that they know about.  Not that they are forced to accept or ‘deal with’.

There are many, MANY ways not only NOT to feel, but in tandem with not feeling their own reality people DO NOT FEEL other people’s feelings, either.

Bye bye EMPATHY!

And WHERE on earth are we as human beings without EMPATHY?

Oh, shake, quiver and quake!

Answer?

In trouble.

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If a tree falls in a forest and nobody is there to hear it, does it make a sound?

If a feeling is a response to life itself and nobody FEELS it, does that feeling exist?

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The word “void” comes to mind here.

Without the information that our feelings give to us about being alive in this world as members of a profoundly social species, are we creating voids all around us without even noticing?

Do we then expect other people to simply ignore the fact that these void-living (absence of feelings/empathy) people CANNOT truly be reached or communicated with?

OR TRUSTED – in the deepest safely and securely attached sort of way (so that we do not feel all alone in a nor-really safe world)?

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“Knock knock.”

“Nobody is here.”

Nobody is an island?  You bet that they are in current American society.

They certainly are.

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I know that I am a dreamer.  I am always looking for and in some way hoping for a world that probably does not exist.  A friend told me the other day that he heard that humans are only capable of truly attuning to another person about 30% of the time.  That’s why, as developmental neuroscientist Dr. Allan N. Schore describes, the process of “rupture with or without repair” is so central to the processes of being human.  Of being alive.

But we must care enough and be able to NOTICE when a rupture occurs so that it can even be repaired.  And we have to know how to sort out the causes of ruptures and learn how to orchestrate repairs.

Yes, in my dreamer world I believe that humans are BORN (given good enough uterine conditions of earliest life) to DO all of these things.  But I also see, with great concern and sadness, that an increasing number of mothers in America are perfectly fine with bringing their children into the world and then abandoning them into the care of strangers.

The building of all of the essential structures within a human’s body-brain to process feelings and then to be able to live with true, healthy empathy, is a job that nature has always given to mothers of infants.  This is a vast area that I will not address specifically here except to say that on the one hand we have Autism Spectrum Disorders where social and emotional information which includes the empathetic processes is not a part of those people’s reality.

And then on the other hand we are fine with having larger and larger numbers of people who are placed into the care of “professional” childcare providers who have to intimate investment in using attuned empathy to communicate with these little ones – so that the end result – seems to me – is our current building of a nation where empathy is nearly entirely missing.

What do I think about all of this?  One word:  Uh-oh!

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I do note that those who endured and survived horrific early life filled with trauma, we have had to learn about empathy through different channels.  Those of us who HAVE done this were, for whatever reasons, highly motivated to do so.  I have HUGE concerns that with the proliferation of infants and young children now being abandoned for most of their waking life by their mothers (essentially) – nobody is going to even notice — what is going so wrong OR what is missing:  Feelings and Empathy.

These are processes that I believe are essential to being fully human.

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Here is our first book out in ebook format.  Click here to view or purchase –

Story Without Words:  How Did Child Abuse Break My Mother?

It lists for $2.99 and can be read by Amazon Prime customers without charge.

++++

Leave a Comment »

++++

Tags: adult attachment disordersadult reactive attachment disorderanxiety disorders,borderline motherborderline personality disorderbrain developmentchild abuse,depression,derealizationdisorganized disoriented insecure attachment disorder,dissociation,dissociative identity disorderempathyinfant abusePosttraumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD),protective factorsPTSDresiliencyresiliency factorsrisk factorsshame

 

+PBS DOCUMENTARY – WATCH FREE UNTIL NOV. 30th

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Tuesday, November 17, 2015.  There are five important PBS videos at this link, free to watch until November 30th.

new PBS documentary series: “The Raising of America.”

Acesconnection comments HERE

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Here is our first book out in ebook format.  Click here to view or purchase –

Story Without Words:  How Did Child Abuse Break My Mother?

It lists for $2.99 and can be read by Amazon Prime customers without charge.

++++

Leave a Comment »

++++

Tags: adult attachment disordersadult reactive attachment disorderanxiety disorders,borderline motherborderline personality disorderbrain developmentchild abuse,depression,derealizationdisorganized disoriented insecure attachment disorder,dissociation,dissociative identity disorderempathyinfant abusePosttraumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD),protective factorsPTSDresiliencyresiliency factorsrisk factorsshame