Thursday, January 22, 2015. I find it interesting to observe how my thinking changes sometimes when I think about one thing I want to write a post again feeling quite certain I know where the post is going to go, only to begin the post and find my thoughts are led off in a direction I never anticipated. This must be part of the living, breathing part of the writing process. It can be full of surprises.
I THOUGHT I was going to write a post about something I have seldom said anything about on this blog because I feel I know so little about it: Forgiveness. I did type that word into the blog’s search bar and some posts did show up. But never once have I felt assurance within as I think or write about forgiveness.
Because I often have a river of thought flowing near my consciousness lately about what resilience might mean to me (as I have mentioned the concept in some recent posts) I guess I am not surprised that this word appeared quickly alongside my morning thoughts about forgiveness. Even the word forgiveness showed up now only in connection to some thoughts yesterday about addictions.
Life doesn’t seem to be about untangling a big messed up ball of yarn, to use a simplistic image. It’s more like trying to separate thousands of these messed up balls from one another at the same time. Things are so complicated, so complex, so enmeshed and, yes, “cross-tangled.”
To give myself a break I go back again to one of my main thought currents. I don’t care how advanced any society on earth may think that it is at this juncture in the history of our species. The truth is we are ALL children! There is so much more we do not know about life than what we do know we would perhaps not only laugh at ourselves if we truly had an objective point of view – we would most likely giggle ourselves silly!
Yes, there is much, much suffering in the world. Many of us know suffering with every breath we take. Not necessarily so because life is so terrible for us today but because we carry great suffering within us from our earlier years, and because we are so sensitized to suffering we feel suffering for all who have suffered and for those who are suffering now.
But where are solutions in this mix? What can we KNOW and what does that tell us about what we do NOT know?
I will explain below why I am bringing THIS topic into my post right now. I consider these words to be the truth. I believe it is vital that every single person on earth investigate truth for their self. This is, in my beliefs, not only an absolute right given by the Creator to everyone but searching for our own truth is also our spiritual obligation: It is our road home.
One simple note before I post this. I have written several times on this post that “forgiveness” of my mother, my father, and for the entire ignoring public has been an extremely complicated process for me because of the unbelievable – let me see, I’ll say – SIZE of the abuse and neglect that was done to me from birth until I was able to escape at age 18. Minimally my mother “should” have received a jail term of 15,000 years JUST for the physical assaults she did against me.
The kind of psychotic abuse I endured is nearly beyond comprehension. No. What am I saying? It IS beyond comprehension.
The good news is? I DO NOT HAVE TO COMPREHEND IT!
I DO have to forgive EVERYONE involved.
Impossible to do? Well, it is anything but easy for me. It is taking my lifetime and I don’t think in this world there is any kind of completion to “forgiveness.” I think it is an organic life process that will last as long as I am alive on earth.
Now. For those interested this is the most profound and SENSIBLE piece of writing I have ever found on the subject of forgiveness. Why so? Because its truths sit right where they MUST be – connected intimately to – of all things – JUSTICE:
Twelve hours have now passed since I began writing this post. I was interrupted – and continued to be interrupted – and now as I sit here hoping to be able to complete this in some kind of form resembling what I was aiming toward hours ago I know that I can’t.
The following information just arrived in my email, sent by one of my sisters who listened so closely to everything I discovered during my studies that began a decade ago into what I now know is Trauma Altered Development. She included this note: “This is SO important! You were so far ahead with your research on attachment.”
Posted: 01/20/2015 3:20 pm EST Updated: 3 hours ago
By Johann Hari , Author of ‘Chasing The Scream: The First and Last Days of the War on Drugs’
This cannot all be simple coincidence. If you scroll down to see yesterday’s comments on this post — +A WORD ON TRAUMA TRIGGERS AND FALLING APART – you will see some discussion on sorrow, pain and suffering in the aftermath of early traumas that were so severe there is no end to the tears connected to them within us.
I noticed that the commenter mentioned he found the link to this post on an Adult Children of Alcoholics (ACOA) facebook page.
My inner response to this writer fed into my motivation and direction for this post as I began it this morning. I rarely remember any of my dreams but I woke from a dream this morning when my alarm went off within which I was crying. The subject of the dream was alcohol and drug use by so many people, so many people that I could find nobody left to form a friendship with who was not affected by addiction.
Now. This link sent by my sister.
Yet in THIS post I was going to talk about a word that came to me this morning as its appearance is linked in my thoughts to my struggle to find a word that makes more sense to me than “resilience” does.
My word this morning: ADJUST. This word has DIRECT links in its origins to JUST and to JUSTICE.
Origin of JUST: Middle English, from Anglo-French & Latin; Anglo-French juste, from Latin justus, from jus right, law; akin to Sanskrit yos welfare; First Known Use: 14th century
Origin of JUSTICE: Middle English, from Anglo-French justise, from Latin justitia, from Justus – First Known Use: 12th century.
More than this I cannot say right now. What I do know is that beginning with my reading of the commenter’s words yesterday (mentioned above) I must have let myself get too close to the precipice below which lies my own pain. I feel sad beyond words and am haunted at the moment by my unshed tears. No, I will not cry. I know it would not help me to “feel better.”
What happened to me, and to so many others, is TOO BIG for tears. What happened to us DEMANDED JUSTICE and justice was not there for us. Nor was it there for most of those who became perpetrators when they were little and needed it most.
Research, as it is revealing truths such as this one from the article link my sister sent me: “So the opposite of addiction is not sobriety. It is human connection.”
I know too much. And I am not finished learning. Many times this is a taxing, wearing, very sad process for me. Yes, my own personal task is to forgive those who harmed me. BUT? What about the justice part? Justice will not come until a whole lot more people know what I do.
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