+SECURE and INSECURE ATTACHMENT: SOME OF MY NOTES FROM YEARS AGO

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Monday, December 1, 2014.  Everybody has ways of keeping track of time.  I know I jotted down these notes I discovered this morning at least seven years ago as I was pursuing my studies about my life to find vital information I needed to know — that nobody had ever told me.

I can tell they are from my personal “long ago” because there are only two pages left between the covers of this battered spiral notebook, whose spiral is bent, smashed and a bit twisted from being carried along with me through some very hard times in my life.  One remaining page is full of music notes from my first drumming lessons.  The other page, full of my notes, is about what follows.

In order to follow these thoughts, in your mind or on a piece of paper, draw an “X” and then over the top of this draw a “+” sign so that you now have  8 sections.  On this original piece of paper I tracked my attachment-related thoughts upon I drew a square at the bottom of the left horizontal “+” line that includes the right lower side of the “+.”  I labeled this box DISSOCIATE.

To back up a moment, taking a look at my notes by moving clockwise around the combined “X +” pattern, I see:

— At the top area of the “+” and in that top space of the “X” I wrote SECURE attachment = balance, flexible flow

— At the right point area of the “+” and in that space of the “X” I wrote AMBIVALENT insecure attachment = too much stop’n’go, ignoring  (Today I would add to this area “undependable and at times inappropriate approach/avoid“)

— At the bottom point of the “+” and its corresponding area of the “X” I wrote DISORGANIZED-DISORIENTED insecure attachment = imbalanced, inflexible, no flow  (Today I would also add to this area “VERY undependable and at times inappropriate approach/avoid“)

— At the left point of the “+” and its corresponding “X” area I wrote AMBIVALENT insecure attachment = too unruly stop’n’go  (Today I would also add to this area “undependable and at times inappropriate approach/avoid“)

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At the bottom of my paper I noted the breakdown between these attachment patterns with SECURE at about 55% of the population (although today I believe this percentage is dropping drastically due to the societal changes that are taking mothers out of the home to work way, way too early for the good of infants as children are being raised – very often- during the bulk of their waking daytime hours (not unusually up to 10 hours per weekday) in what I call “day orphanages,” the huge daycare centers where many very young children are left without the intimate face-to-face, body-language/touch interactions with their primary caregivers that are so VITAL to the “safe and secure attachment pattern” developments in a little one’s nervous system-brain-body)

Even without these “new” societal changes in infant and child-rearing practices the best at least American society has to offer its offspring who are not safe and securely attached is a 65% drop into the insecure attachment categories.  When I took these notes I divided the space equally between the three categories noted above.

There is not way of knowing accurately what any of these figures actually are, but my bet today (along with popular assessment) is that of that 65% of insecurely attached people (and parents/caregivers are very likely to pass their attachment patterns to their offspring), 30% would be AVOIDANT (our society so disempowers emotions!), 20% would be AMBIVALENT, and 15% would fall into the lower DISORGANIZED-DISORIENTED insecure attachment category.

Today I would add one more category at the lower points of this little diagram:  REACTIVE ATTACHMENT DISORDER which I suggest includes at LEAST 5% of our population, dropping to 10% the percentage of people in the DISORGANIZED-DISORIENTED category.

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Readers can do additional online searching for “cannot classify” attachments, as well as for what is commonly called “earned secure attachment.”  From my perspective as a person down there in the lowest 5% of people, I believe from my own experience that there is another category I named “borrowed secure attachment.”

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In the lower half of my notebook page I wrote:

— consciousness comes with WORDS

— the more we can differentiate, identify and name the more light of consciousness we can bring to bear on ourselves and our lives (situations, relationships)

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I wrote these notes before I knew anything about the Centers for Disease Control’s (CDC) studies on Adverse Childhood Experiences (ACE).  The clearest place to start understanding this research and its implications is, again, by doing an online search for “CDC ACE study pyramid.”

As I have been writing about recently, the United Nation’s World Health Organization’s ACE research is tied to this:

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I most HIGHLY recommend that readers who are new to these ideas buy and READ Dr. Daniel Siegel’s book

Parenting from the Inside: How a Deeper Self-Understanding Can Help You Raise Children Who Thrive

Absolutely ANYTHING you find online (including at amazon.com) written (or spoken in YouTube videos) by Dr. Siegel is MOST helpful!  This book I mention here gives the clearest “lay person” explanation of what the basic attachment categories are, how humans “get” them, and what they mean both to our parenting and to all of our relationships as human beings.

There is no better place to begin to inform yourself so you can begin to improve not only the quality of your life but also the quality of those around you.

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While there is no money for me in my mention of this herbal-vitamin supplement here, I am taking it daily now and find it extremely helpful.  That means a lot to me, so I thought perhaps other readers might wish to take a look:

Source Naturals Theanine Serene with Relora

  • Contains the amino acids L-theanine, to support relaxing brain wave activity
  • Contains taurine to ease tension, as well as the calming neurotransmitter GABA
  • Features magnesium to support muscle and nerve relaxation
  • Contains calming holy basil leaf extract and Relora®to gently soothe away the tension in your body
  • 2 tablets daily, or as recommended by your health care professional

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Here is our first book out in ebook format.  Click here to view or purchase –

Story Without Words:  How Did Child Abuse Break My Mother?

It lists for $2.99 and can be read by Amazon Prime customers without charge.  Reviews for the book on the Amazon.com site are welcome.

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