+THE TASTE OF HOPE?

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Thursday, November 6, 2014.  Very interesting.  I don’t remember ever specifically mentioning a product on this blog.  I only mention the one you will see described at the end of this post because I have had a chance to try it for 48 hours compliments of a dear friend of mine who bought some in town here for $38.40 per bottle to help her get through these very difficult days as she and her family bury their much loved mother who died last week at age 90.

I trust my friend’s wisdom.  I’ve known her for 44 years.  If this product rates high on her shelf of “survive life supplies” then I am quite certain this product is worth a longer trial period for what ails me = MUCH trauma-related chronic ANXIETY!  I see through a vendor who supplies Amazon.com this same product is available for under $18 per bottle online.  Now THAT is a price I can afford on my low budget.

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I can tell I FEEL different in ways I can’t quite (yet) describe from the short dose of this supplement.  Maybe I can say it seems as if the BODY of the massive traumas built into my body are backing off from ME.  I can almost SEE the great giant dark beast of my chronic anxiety overshadowing these large apartment buildings in this complex here as the distance grows between IT and ME.

Inky thick, heavy, sticky, stinky ICKY blackness.  OUT THERE?  Not IN HERE?

A black fog, although oddly as it is (perhaps?) leaving me (somewhat, although now I have to go some days before I can order and possess my own supply of these supplements to see what happens longer-term) this fog does not seem to be entirely without form.  It is big, billowess, maybe about a hundred feet tall and 45 feet wide.  Not unlike a large dust devil, but not with any intense motion.  It floats in my image, perhaps two to three feet off of the ground.

Although whatever this is of my anxiety seems to have been banished from my body (at least for now), I certainly would not say “there goes ALL my body holds of trauma!” because I know better.  But what burden is THIS “thing” that seems to have sunk itself into me the moment I left my southern home to head to this foreign northern land (of my past)?

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My dear friend came to visit baby and me this morning.  She comes for 2 hours once a week and takes us OUT of this tiny apartment.  She also brings me three-servings worth of some kind of her healthy excellent home-cooked meals.  Maybe?  Because of this “backing off/out of me” of this darkness today I was able to think about asking her to take me to the grocery store (I am still not able to drive her because of my extreme anxiety) for some food to cook — her way.

An education!  Home I came with carrots, onions, peppers, garlic, yams, sweet potatoes, squash, broccoli, cauliflower, leeks, brussel sprouts, asparagus — all fresh although I could only find organic carrots!

In between writing these words I am cleaning and chopping.  My friend’s secret?  She ROASTS her collection of vegetables tossed with sea salt, black pepper and olive oil for 40 minutes at 400 degrees – beginning with the ones that need the longest cooking time.  I CAN DO THIS!

(I hate to cook and do little of it, a process that began for me when my last child left home in 2004 and I was left to eat alone.  My consumption of Snickers since I came north does not count as healthy!  Now that I have fake teeth I cannot chew raw vegetables although I do juice wheat-grass and frozen green vegetables every day — usually two or three times.)

Once the vegetables are cooked they will be divided up and frozen to be eaten as is or added to whatever dish I might like later on.

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It seems that no post I have written for many months ends up addressing what I want it to.  It seems that huge parts of me linger behind the scenes — or somewhere else — other than where I currently reside with this body of mine.

I certainly woke with a clear title in my thoughts this morning.  What was that title?  Where is that post?  Was all of it too close to my dreams to actually make it across the threshold into THIS waking world?

It was about danger.  About disaster.  About a contrast to a sense of security.  Not specifically safety, as in “safe and secure attachment.”  Just about how a sense of SECURITY in the world seems to be the countermeasure to a sense of DISASTER.

In connection to this some vague part of me was also thinking about how a permanent (in the body) sense of DISASTER makes it impossible to CHOOSE to “feel secure” in one’s life.

Yet what might I be able to do (choose to have present in my life) that would HELP me feel more secure?  Does the presence of the Big Black Cloud of Trauma in the body interfere with being able to make these helpful, healthful choices?  I would say “Yes!”

But it also interests me to note that these thoughts appeared as I was evidently benefiting from this supplement my friend shared with me.  If I had transportation perhaps I’d make it across town to that same store and spend twice what I should be charged for that product.  My friend should be back to see me on Sunday and perhaps I can “borrow” a few more supplements from her to tide me over until mine arrive.

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I feel a little hopeful at this discovery that would not have come to me if I were not living in Fargo now.  To be here when my friend arrived at the time of the death of her beloved mother.  Now I know something I did not know before.

Never mind it snowed first time of the season yesterday.  The sun is trying to show itself and has at least made all that white stuff go away.  But the days are getting shorter and shorter, the nights darker and darker, the temperatures colder and colder, and days without strong north winds fewer and farther apart.  “The end is drawing nigh” in significant ways.  Unless one can hold on tightly to the knowledge “I will survive.  No matter what.  Or die trying.  Because another spring will come.”

I don’t want that sense of disaster to swallow me up again.  Can I be detached enough to marvel at a change if feeling tone I am probably going to experience if indeed this swirling blackness swallows me up again before I can have my own remedy at hand?  Will I learn something else new through this whole process —  other than how tasty my roasted vegetables taste?

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I have another friend in town who is picking me up to go with her to an open clay studio several times a week.  We will go again tonight.  Interesting how I can remember how to throw a pot after nearly a quarter of a century away from this process!  That’s encouraging, and this is fun!

I will survive!  No ray of sunshine will enter this one window in the small room I spend my days in with my grandson for another four months.  Time.  It moves on….

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Source Naturals Theanine Serene with Relora

  • Contains the amino acids L-theanine, to support relaxing brain wave activity
  • Contains taurine to ease tension, as well as the calming neurotransmitter GABA
  • Features magnesium to support muscle and nerve relaxation
  • Contains calming holy basil leaf extract and Relora® to gently soothe away the tension in your body
  • 2 tablets daily, or as recommended by your health care professional

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Here is our first book out in ebook format.  Click here to view or purchase –

Story Without Words:  How Did Child Abuse Break My Mother?

It lists for $2.99 and can be read by Amazon Prime customers without charge.  Reviews for the book on the Amazon.com site are welcome.

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