Sunday, May 5, 2014. At least I put the key into the ignition yesterday and turned the blog post writing crank. That’s a start? Makes me think of the 2003 Mercury Sable wagon sitting out in my apartment’s parking spot my daughter SO sweetly bought for me. I have yet to open the car door. It’s been sitting there for nearly a month. Where did the DRIVING LINDA GO? It is downright spooky to be experiencing this bizarre non-driving turn of events up here post-move. Spooky! Especially because I don’t know why. I don’t know what internally happened to me to remove my 40+ years of perfectly fine driving ability. No idea.
Meanwhile back in the apartment complex….
I am randomly thinking post-post from yesterday’s thoughts about Dr. Daniel Siegel’s considerations about ATTACHMENT being essentially a differentiation process that leads to “linking up” with other differentiated people toward a healthy integration.
Situations involving any kind of attacking behavior don’t seem to be about any of these health-provoking attachment processes.
I have never thought about “codependency” in terms of safe and secure versus unsafe and insecure attachment before today. But then, as I mentioned yesterday, I tend not to think in terms of “codependency” at all unless something comes along that seems to besmirch my blithe ignore-ance of the blotched intertwining of balanced versus imbalanced human inter-dependency interactions. BLECK!
Truth of the matter might be that as a person becomes increasingly vigilant about their own differentiation-linkage-integration (DLI) processes there becomes a correspondingly lessening need to exercise self-defense or self-protection. Other people would increasingly NOT trigger the DLI person!
(DLI – I have to say, last night I sent my first text ever to one of my daughters. One word but still. Today I sent my second text to my other daughter. My thinking has been that if people cannot bother to communicate at least voice-voice or in person with one another nothing of meaning could possibly be worth reducing “communication” to……… Did I ever mention I get tangled up in change?)
I have been aware that the end-goal of safe and secure attachment from birth builds a body-brain-self that is geared for maximum healthy, happy autonomy as an individual who is perfectly competent and comfortable participating as a member of a greatly social species. Siegel seems to be clarifying essence with his thoughts about differentiation-linkage-integration (DLI) processes. For someone like myself who was so abused and traumatized from birth, who was forbidden to display even a single aspect of self safely within the home, discovering self through this suggested “differentiation” process can take most of one’s adulthood.
The simple word BOUNDARIES does come into play as differentiation of self from other takes place, but this process is supposed to proceed in a predetermined orderly progression from birth within a safe and secure attachment environment. When trauma interrupts these developmental stages especially in the absence of ANY other safe and secure attachment relationship I think the self of a child remains in a kind of suspended animation state. But moving out of an abusive early environment does not guarantee that any kind of developmental catch-up happens predictably or smoothly.
I was left without “prior training” about what human relationships even are — let alone what they are SUPPOSED to be. I suspect it is because I am living in proximity of my two adult children and my little grandsons I am faced with opportunities for whole new relationship discoveries. Mostly I feel I am getting TOO MUCH INFORMATION, more than I have the inner assets to process comfortably. “Live and learn” as the adage states.
What “should bother?” What “is supposed” to be ignored? What left for later? When is a good later? What circumstances determine this? What can be put into words and verbalized and what cannot be spoken of? And to whom? And when? Where? How?
Where are the lines drawn, by whom and for what reasons? HOW does this differentiation process proceed in real time? Does stepping away from and out from as much touchy drama as possible accomplish eventual DLI? Where is there — actually — RELATIONSHIP if this differentiation-linkage-integration (DLI) process between adults is never completed? What happens to “the stuff” that is never identified let alone differentiated? Is “floating along” the basic goal of adult relationship? Always? Sometimes?
How is a person supposed to KNOW the answer to these kinds of confusing questions — let alone know how to put whatever those answers might be into good practice?
Is silence simply GOLDEN? When is pretending, pretending? Does pretending all is OK keep the peace? At what cost? To whom? How does one filter what matters from what doesn’t? Differentiation means to me that different things matter differently to the different people involved. How is this “differently mattering” ever discovered? Does THIS even matter?
If I had not lived through 18 years of horrendous early abusive trauma would I ask such questions? Would I need to? Would I know all the answers naturally without conflict or struggle?
“Hello out there! Does anybody know?”
Here is our first book out in ebook format. A very kind professional graphic artist is going to revise our cover pro bono (we are still waiting to hear that he has accomplished this job – I think we will have to find an alternative!). Click here to view or purchase –
It lists for $2.99 and can be read by Amazon Prime customers without charge. Reviews for the book on the Amazon.com site