Saturday, May 3, 2014. Sometimes continued survival — sometimes simply known as LIFE — does not take place with very many clear words attached to it. Sometimes simply living life seems too complicated for words. Not that I haven’t had words streaming through my mind as thoughts since the last time I wrote a post here. Oh, there are words all right. Just not words worth mentioning, it seems. To anyone.
There have been few recent junctures in this current flow of time that seem to stop and “say something” to me. Maybe I am so in the midst of something I don’t understand that it will be only in retrospect that I find the ACTUAL words that belong to this stage of my life. It is not an easy one.
I have rather foggily, it seems, occasionally had thoughts in words about a word I use very seldom in my life: codependency. Any time it does appear I remember something someone told me many years ago about this concept — or at least about the only part of this concept I can begin to grasp, and only then just because of what that person said to me. “Any time you find yourself EXPLAINING yourself to anyone else, especially if you stop long enough to detect that you are defending yourself in any way — your feelings, your sentiments, your words, your decisions, your preferences, your opinions, beliefs and even your actions — STOP and consider what kind of relationship you have with the person you are speaking with. Nearly all of the time when you find these things going on for you there is “codependency” in this relationship.”
I had exactly one of these (to me) bizarre conversations on April 19th with someone very close to me. There is no addiction “as usual” that is obvious in these circumstances. Rather than spend time trying to guess at what some addiction might be “going around,” it is more fruitful for me to simply know what I do know and run with it.
If it is true that this person was describing an aspect, an important aspect, of codependency then what I would say is that this pattern operates without respect. It is a pattern of “rupture” in relationship that seems to hold very little if any possibility of repair — at least in the present.
A slap in the face. A kick in the backside. A knife in the back. A punch in the gut. Betrayal? Or simply misunderstandings?
Obviously such a problem is deeply connected to difficulties with communication. I know that I have very little ability to challenge and stay centered and focused and OK with myself and another person when a verbal arsenal of collected miscontruals (obviously not a word but it works for me) are being thrown at me. I was surprised. Then I was stunned. Now I am so cautious and inwardly holding onto truths about myself in my life that I have always shared in this relationship that now seems senselessly shallow to me.
I have no insights about this except that I feel not so much (seems to me) self-defensive as self-protective. That seems a wise stance for me to take. This person shows no concern about talking any of what transpired in that troubling conversation out or through. Feels like a big mysterious dead-end to me. I hope it’s not forever so but for the time being I remain in a state of puzzled shock, forced past the edge of caution.
It all seems so strange to me….
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