Thursday, April 17, 2014.  I am not a happy camper as far as this computer change fiasco is concerned.  I have FINALLY dared to open up a sheet of paper here in this transported Office configuration on this sweet new Dell computer, Sara Lee – who is most unfortunately POSSESSED in assorted, irritating if not obnoxious ways by a Microsoft NEW mess currently known as 8.1.

Obsolete Windows XP was murdered last week by its creators.  It ran perfectly for me.  Cannot have perfection floating around on this planet, can we?  Microsoft, the poisonous elixir of the poor folks.  If I had had $1,500 to replace my old system with a Mac instead of the $500 I did have to buy this Dell replacement, I could have almost eliminated Microsoft from my existence.  Alas.

If I want to traipse around any part of the computer universe in my worn out clod hoppers I have to learn how to cross this bridge without falling.  I am not quite there yet.


One of the small pleasures I have discovered in living in this so-not-me environment here is the feeding of finch, chick-a-dees and sparrows.  I tossed out my small allotment of seeds onto this small cement slab outside my sliding glass door (my only window in this apartment) this morning only to look outside at the arrival of a flock of blackbirds devouring in minutes what the smaller birds can enjoy over the course of an entire day.

Life in this material world.  Keeping things in balance?  If there is pleasure in feeding finch there will ALSO HAVE to be irritation in the arrival of hordes of blackbirds.  Now I must be either vigilant in watching for “the enemy” so I can chase them away or I give up.  I am still not able to drive (another story), so replacing seed is not an entirely simple matter.  Neither is the cost of feeding a cityscape of blackbirds – oh, and yes, the first dove just joined the feast – very possible for me in my poverty, either.


Now, to see if I can save this little document on this new computer – and then find it again somewhere in Microville….  Well, I saved this.  Will look for it later.


This morning my thoughts have been playing in a new way with the ideas behind my Libra rising sign.  There is more to this “balancing things out in fairness” than this ascendant of mine would suggest.  Take one side of the scale and add into it lots of cute finch and life will SURELY bring a ton of blackbirds to – BALANCE the scale?

Hummm…… I am left with the struggle – aren’t we all??


Oh.  Turned away.  30 seconds I am back.  Screen is blank.  Have to watch this magic cursor.  Puts itself up into a paragraph.  I don’t notice.  Type away, no words appear HERE.  Part of some previous text has highlighted itself, vanishes, new words appearing where I did not want them.  Have to – what?  Cut a piece of cardboard, tape it over the computer’s own mouse version?

Wait.  I’ll be back….

Baby has filled his pants.  Has run off somewhere with a cardboard piece of the new Clifford puzzle.  He’s eating it.


Kashi brand Organic Promise cereal box cardboard piece taped to computer – doing so suddenly turned my Word page HUGE.  I am so out of my element.  Why do I TRY?

Chased away more blackbirds.  Or the same ones?  Diaper changed.  Peace returned.  For how long?  Oh.  Stuffed fuzzy kitten toy suddenly appears.  WHOPP onto my keyboard.  Out of nowhere?  No.

Out of SOMEWHERE and that somewhere is just LIFE.

I am reminded in the back of my mind that for all the 18 years I was abused by psychotic Mother, being told in every possible way that if I were not such a bad child, if I didn’t exist at all, everything in Mother’s world, and through her in her family’s world, and beyond us all to the whole wide world as it existed – all would be perfect.

I have worked since my earliest memory to keep my own self right-side-up in such a dark and malevolent, turbulent, hopeless kind of universe.  Even though I might not – moment by moment – believe that I am ALL THAT BAD, I have not managed erase even the tiniest corner of my corresponding belief so programmed, beaten into me, that there IS such a thing as a Perfect World!

I continue to think this is true – both that the world MUST be perfect and that I so deeply believe this to be true that I still, at age 62, have not found any way to alter or to eradicate this belief, that I am continually shocked and dismayed to find that there ARE just as likely blackbirds in that proverbial pie as anything else I would consider “so much better.”


I am left with the continual question, “WHY?”  Why is the world not perfect?  (Running in the background, a faulty operating system:  “Would the world be in its perfect condition if I were not in it?”)

Where is the end of the line of this kind of thinking?


I had something written here:  “It’s all my fault.”

Then this computer magically did something obnoxious, changed my page so that I could no longer type a dang thing, did not let me fix it.  I shut down the page and prematurely was forced to go look for it.  Short story = I found this and continue what I was doing before mayhem appeared!

“What did I do to cause THAT glitch?”

Dared to try to write a blog post.  That must be it.

It’s the stress, distress, anxiety provoked by all these asundry occurrences and disturbances that dismays me nearly continually.  I do not have the inner resources to flow through any kind of water that feels threatening to me!  Continually life asks of me that I readjust – not my choice of words but baby is effectively demanding all of my attention – yet again – ‘cause that’s what babies do….

He wants cereal.  Not the banana he just demanded and will not eat.  Cereal that comes in the box whose cardboard is now taped to my computer.  Hodge podge, makeshift, demanding world we live in.  Of course PTSD and other inner trauma-related disturbances in this body I live in prevent me from simply COPING in any kind of easy way – with ANYTHING these days.


Like the constant roaring drone in the walls and ceilings of this apartment I am living in.  I am sure I have (“bad me”) COMPLAINED about that drone in a previous post.  It is one of the very WORST conditions my PTSD could be forced to cope with.  It’s on the blackbird side of the scale as it attempts to balance out – what?  That I at least can gaze out my one window at a little open area that has a cat tail pond full of flickering little wings that send bits of last year’s fluff off into the sunlight instead of another building’s dead-end wall crowding in on me?

“It’s my own damn fault I am poor.”  Huh?  Like being tormented, tortured, terrorized, traumatized from the time I was born and for the following 18 years – conditions that caused so much damage to the development of every system in my body – that all created permanent forms of disabilities I live with that prevent me from living a full, healthy life (PTSD, reoccurring major depression, dissociation, depersonalization, derealization) are ALL MY FAULT?

Blackbirds.  That feed on my own thoughts.  Self-sustaining blackbirds.  How tiring to ALWAYS have to be fending them off, chasing them away, trying to eradicate them, or transmute them into something positively sustaining.


Meanwhile.  The only surface that supports this laptop for working on it out of reach of baby is NOT a location with internet access.  Yes, the wireless router my daughter so sweetly bought for me sits here in its pristine box awaiting time when she can work all those angles out for me.  (Fortunately.  I am grateful).

So, how do I get this post onto the blog?  And when?  There are blackbirds in my way.  My problem is I let that bother me.  I think I will go stare at the cloudless sky on this windless day and be happy more snow is melting while I await the arrival of my TechnoCalvary.

There goes that magic cursor again.  This time I caught it elevating itself up into my document before it could devour portions of my post.  So much for my cardboard Band-Aid.  Harken!  Do I hear trumpets?


NOTE:  My drumming lessons – over there on the goodness side of the scale of my life – are FANTASTIC!!  I am being trained in “classical drumming!”  What a HAPPY HOOT!!!  I am working hard to use the positive in my drumming experience to counterbalance the negative I feel at living in a city, in a frigid climate, etc.  (complete with AWFUL droning walls and ceiling surround noise).

I am working to convince myself that I have moved to a town to attend drumming college!  I cannot imagine ever again in my lifetime living somewhere with this kind of opportunity.  My instructor, Brett, has a doctorate in percussion and is a perfect (!!) teacher!

No “sloppy” slap dash of my hands on conga drumheads.  This is precision training with sticks on a practice pad.  (Cursor moved itself up again.  SHUCKS!)  I get to watch my trauma-altered brain LEARN what I am being taught.  It reminds me of 30 years ago when I took college trigonometry.  My brain had to find entirely new and unusual ways to process that information.  But I DID IT!

And I will do this, too!  I am learning how to do extremely fast drum rolls in perfect form.  Once I have mastered THAT I suppose everything else will seem easy.  Eventually, I suppose, I will be able to move so fast I can then bop those blackbirds on their little greedy heads before they know I am coming.

“Linda.  Shame on you!”

Nope.  I simply do not APPRECIATE blackbirds.

I will have to find a faster metronome, I suppose.  I will ask Brett about that.  There are probably online versions once this internet mess is straightened out.  My old windup metronome has a top speed of 230 (or so) beats per minute.  That SOUNDS fast to me until I begin to drum.

At that point each hand takes on 115 of those beats.  And at that magic moment it’s like stepping over a threshold.  I am no longer on the outside of the beat listening in.  Once I begin to match the beat with the sticks I step inside the rhythm and become one with it.  How exciting!  Now – to ask Brett, “Exactly how fast is a drumroll?”  Incredible.  This is an incredible experience.  And I so do NOT want to worry about that other shoe falling.

(Moved computer over to attach internet cable.  Baby is napping so the coast over there is clear.  Computer would not recognize the internet link until I rebooted it.  Say, WHAT?  Now, let’s see if I can post this motley collection of words.)


Here is our first book out in ebook format.  A very kind professional graphic artist is going to revise our cover pro bono (we are still waiting to hear that he has accomplished this job).  Click here to view or purchase –


It lists for $2.99 and can be read by Amazon Prime customers without charge.  Reviews for the book on the Amazon.com site


Please click here to read or to LEAVE A COMMENT



7 thoughts on “+BOPPING BLACKBIRDS

  1. How cool! So you are learning to drum on a set with sticks? With hi-hat, snare, toms, bass drum and cymbals?? How excellent! Another thing about you I can relate to…sort of. I love drums too.

    In my early 20’s I had bought myself a small but REAL kit. I hardly ever played them. Why? I was SO self-conscious and used to being ridiculed and shot down by my parents and sibling for every little endeavor my whole life that I was pretty much paralyzed. I gave up before I even got started. This self-consciousness and discomfort stayed very much a part of me that I hardly touched those drums for years. Eventually I just sold them. What a wasted opportunity and the loss of a dream I had. I wanted to be a drummer and never would be. I still love drums. The very first thing I focus on when first hearing any song is not the lyrics, but the drums. The rest comes later.

    Have you heard of Neil Peart? He is the legendary drummer and lyricist for the Canadian band RUSH. He is considered one of the elite top drummers of all time. If you are not familiar with Rush, I hope you check them out. They have been making albums and touring for 40 years and are still going strong. They are all superior musicians who have been at the top of their game for decades. I cannot say enough good things about this music band with just three members. Each song is an actual auditory, emotional EXPERIENCE. Just yesterday I was listening to their album “Power Windows” while driving in the country when I realized I was having that sensation of “chills up my spine” repeatedly. Very few things in life have that kind of effect on me.

    I often think about such amazing, talented, gifted people like that; what their parents, home life, and sense of self were like. I can’t help but think that such people come from the most nurturing environments from the very beginning of their lives. They have to or they would not be able to achieve such heights of accomplishment in history, right?

    Sorry to hear you’re having a hard time with your new computer. Keep plugging away and don’t let it get the best of you. Remember: YOU are in control of this little machine, not the other way around. =o)


    • Oh yes, RUSH!! This reminds me to create a Jango radio station for them! A dear friend is sending me an extension cord for my sound system, one of the last items to get this new computer (etc) show on the high road!

      I don’t know one bit what will come of this drumming training for me. I am happy with the sticks and my silent drumming pad for now! Roland V-drums (electric drum kits) would probably be the best option but they are out of my budget for now, for sure. Teacher says have to first learn “this stuff” anyway – living in apartments = can’t make big noise. the edrums run off of headphones, eventually can be hooked to amps/speakers.

      I suspect I feel what you describe about putting my fingers even ON my keyboard. But also, it is the percussion I am in love with almost 100% of the time. I also LOVE BASS GUITAR — but think with a good kit I could be happiest! All in good time!!

      Have you checked out Roland drums?


      the two-handed action is very healing for my body-brain all by itself!!!!

      good to hear from you!! 🙂

  2. Hi! I’ve missed you! Happy spring! I’m a Libra too! Not crazy about blackbirds either, but I do like bluejays and they tend to be greedy and obnoxious too…but so much personality, so I forgive them. Tomorrow I’m going to research blackbirds and get back to you with whatever their redeeming quality or claim to fame is. Snow is almost gone here, and for today, that is enough. Glad the drumming is going so well!

    • Hello Lisa! Oh what a long haul life seems to be sometimes. My daughter came over and tweaked this techno setup – so sweet of her! My son in Seattle also helped by gaining remote access to Sara Lee – but STILL we cannot figure out what happened to the Microsoft media player – is supposedly included with Windows 8.1 – but is nowhere to be found. And why – anyway – did this whole dog and pony show not come with anything that plays DVDs?

      I just dragged the flashy (like a Christmas tree lit up) modem and the new wireless router my daughter just installed into the one bedroom – that drones in walls and ceilings so bad the room is unusable to me except as baby nap room and hopefully eventually for sewing — I am online remotely now in the front room!! I have to sleep in recliner in the front room and cannot stand all the blinking lights, the plugging, unplugging — to get those dang lights off at night! Just all seems so twisted up along with all these CORDS!!!! So many cords to get anything to work!!

      Listen to me – complain complain. Blackbirds. I know they have their up side – but with them around I loose all my little bird feeding pleasures. Blue-jays, I have heard, rob eggs from other bird nests – I don’t see any here. I have no TREE. I cannot remember when I last lived without a TREE near me! But with the sun today the lawn around the buildings is turning green, and it is nice I don’t have to mow it!

      So nice to hear from you!! Thank you!! Now – I need to walk to Wal-Mart pretty soon to see if I can find a cord to extend my speaker system over to where this computer sits ’cause there is no place safe from baby near that setup! I am going to practice drumming now. It CALMS ME!!! And I found another radio station on Jango (online, like it much better than Pandora) that I really liked. I am a SILENCE person — but oh the droning in here is HELL — so continual noise from fountains and radio is less-hell!! I must think “drumming college” and grandbabies and daughters. That’s why I am here — amongst IRRITATIONS galore! I know my desert garden is coming into bloom. I MISS IT!! Life. So transient….

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