Wednesday, March 12, 2014. Now that I have found out (!!) that feelings are adjectives – little parts of speech that I have tended to think of as “extraneous extras” when it comes to an economy of language, if such a time might arrive when ONLY important words would be salvaged for use – I am having to rethink how I think about life! True – it doesn’t take much for me to enter one of these rethinking cycles.
While the word PATIENCE seems to be a noun and hence must have far more substance than a simple adjective like LONELY, I can’t wrap my mind around the idea that my feeling patient is any different than my feeling of lonely (or sad, angry, etc.). But there I have it, right in front of my prying eyes. Patience is NOT a feeling!
Could have fooled me!
So – with loneliness and the feeling of the adjective state of lonely in my thoughts I take another look at wonder-filled Webster’s online:
1a : being without company : lone
b : cut off from others : solitary
2: not frequented by human beings : desolate
3: sad from being alone : lonesome
4: producing a feeling of bleakness or desolation
First Known Use of LONELY — circa 1598 – I search ALONE — yet another adjective, for the heritage of lonely and find –
Origin of ALONE – from Middle English, from al all + one one — First Known Use: 13th century
1: separated from others : isolated
2: exclusive of anyone or anything else : only <she alone knows why>
3a : considered without reference to any other <the children alone would eat that much>
Well, in a language sort of way I have a new way to wrap my thoughts around the reality of probably ALL early abuse, neglect and severe trauma survivors’ reality. This perpetual inner seemingly core state of BEING ALONE – and therefore probably also of unending deep loneliness – comes from us being from our beginnings – in the midst of a most unsafe and insecure early attachment relationship environment – exactly this as the origin of ALONE suggests: I was the ONE extra in my family that was in no way integrated into any benign/benevolent universe where the ALL existed. I was the ONE taken away and kept apart from the ALL. I still feel that way!
In a state of great need from birth where the ALL belongs to one another there is safety and security. Where the ONE exists as NOT a part of the ALL there is greatest threat and danger.
An infant will seek what is called in attachment theory – PROXIMITY – exactly because an infant/young child is fundamentally reliant upon someone in the ALL for survival.
ONE is an adjective. This word has been around for a long time –
Origin of ONE
Middle English on, an, from Old English ān; akin to Old High German ein one, Latin unus (Old Latin oinos), Sanskrit eka — First Known Use: before 12th century
ALL, also an adjective with a long history —
Origin of ALL
Middle English all, al, from Old English eall; akin to Old High German all all — First Known Use: before 12th century
I did not ASK to be born as the one outside the all. Did that make me ALL – ONE? Yes. It did and I will spend the rest of my lifetime in that state unable to truly connect to the ALL because my very physiology was changed during my most rapid and critically important developmental stages in that kind of a malevolent environment that provided no CONNECTION and INTEGRATION of myself with others.
Once those early developmental stages of nervous system-brain-body passed without a connection being made that would have connected-integrated me to-with the ALL – well, as many readers of this blog well know – we are left ALONE. ALL ALONE no matter what else happens in our life.
There is a chasm between “one self and all” that as far as I know cannot be physiologically bridged in later life within survivors of severe infant/young child attachment-related trauma. The simplest image I have for the impossibility of changing the “hardwired” physiology from this kind of infant/very young child loss is a reminder that in the days of Chinese binding of a girl’s feet during their growth stages, such feet could never restore themselves in later life.
We survivors are left living with various degrees of loneliness that cannot be healed.
That we are creating a society in America that is spreading this kind of loneliness around freely SHOULD be cause for concern and correction. But realistically I know it may take a few generations before the majority in our nation begins to even have a solitary CLUE about what any of this means.
A friend of mine sent me this last night:
“What should young people do with their lives today? Many things, obviously. But the most daring thing is to create stable communities in which the terrible disease of loneliness can be cured.” — Kurt Vonnegut
I could write all kinds of things here in response to my increasing concerns about the hole-in-the-heart that daycare kids are …….
Well, no. Not right now. Instead I’ll end with this, another Vonnegut –
“If you want to really hurt your parents, and you don’t have the nerve to be gay, the least you can do is go into the arts. I’m not kidding. The arts are not a way to make a living. They are a very human way of making life more bearable. Practicing an art, no matter how well or badly, is a way to make your soul grow, for heaven’s sake. Sing in the shower. Dance to the radio. Tell stories. Write a poem to a friend, even a lousy poem. Do it as well as you possibly can. You will get an enormous reward. You will have created something.”
Here is our first book out in ebook format. A very kind professional graphic artist is going to revise our cover pro bono (we are still waiting to hear that he has accomplished this job) – what a gift and thank you Ben! Click here to view or purchase:
It lists for $2.99 and can be read by Amazon Prime customers without charge. Reviews for the book on the Amazon.com site are WELCOME and appreciated!
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