Saturday, February 8, 2014. I want to write this post quickly before the words that belong to it vanish like a mirage in the desert. It is not always easy to FIND the words I need to express myself and it is not always easy to hold onto them long enough to express them, either!
I find myself thinking about a time years ago when I asked a professional waitress how on earth she managed to swing through a crowded room delivering full cups of coffee without spilling a drop. “Simple,” she replied. “I never look at what I am carrying. If I do that – what I am carrying spills itself.”
My word for today is
“a nervous or fearful feeling of uncertain agitation“
This is a word that came into Modern English rather late. The “early” words arrived before the 12th century. Usually I search around for the origins of these kinds of newer words looking for the more ancient imagery in their word relationships. Today – because I am PRESSED to trap my words in a post before they disappear to me – I will settle for this:
Origin of TREPIDATION
Latin trepidation-, trepidatio, from trepidare to tremble, from trepidus agitated; probably akin to Old English thrafian to urge, push, Greek trapein to press grapes
First Known Use: 1605
As I have written elsewhere on the blog I have learned from the work of neuroscientist Dr. Allan N. Shore (and others like him) that early trauma especially during the first year of life in unsafe and insecure attachment relationship environments CHANGES the set point, the middle balance point of our developing nervous system so that it is NOT (and really never can/will be) resting at peaceful calm. Our set point is something else – and very, very often it is TERROR that resides there.
Once a person responds to any kind of “challenge” in their environment their nervous system is supposed to return to a set point “of balanced equilibrium” that is at rest. Not so for us….
Today what I want to say is that the older I get the smaller my world is getting and the less tolerance I have for ANYTHING good or bad that would intensify my emotional state. I am simply exhausted! Or so it seems to me.
It is very common for anyone with PTSD related difficulties in their body to increasingly narrow their world to control stimulation. Quieter world = quieter nervous system/brain.
But what about something positive in my world? Something I desire, hope for and WANT to do?
As I have written before I LOVE DRUMMING! I have nobody to drum with!
In Fargo, ND (where I recently established myself) there is a Haitian refugee church that is tonight offering a public performance of their drumming that I imagine follows the style shown in this YouTube video:
BOTH of my beautiful grown daughters are attending this 5:30 pm performance with me today along with my 18-month-old grandson. And I am TERRIFIED! Filled to the BRIM with TREPIDATION!!
I don’t have to ask myself WHY????
I can no longer mask my true state of being through expert dissociation that kept me functioning pretty darn smoothly while I raised my children. I am different now – left vulnerable to experiencing exactly how I am inside!!
I could probably list 100 reasons why I am afraid today — but all I am going to do here is say — “Be determined, Linda and be BRAVE! GO!!”
I am the wrong age, the wrong gender, the wrong culture, ‘race’. the wrong religion to be able to actually DRUM with ANYONE!! Yet my heart and the depths of my soul WANT to drum with SOMEONE!! At least tonight we can go LISTEN!!
My first step is to go bravely where I have not gone before accompanied by the two people (well, 3 counting the short one) I trust most in the universe! I won’t even give space to thoughts about what disaster I think COULD happen tonight!
Just saying — surviving can be an EFFORT!! CAN BE? IS!!!!!
Stay tuned. I will report upon this adventure — after I LIVE IT!!
Here is our first book out in ebook format. A very kind professional graphic artist is going to revise our cover pro bono – what a gift and thank you Ben!
Click here to view or purchase: A STORY WITHOUT WORDS
It lists for $2.99 and can be read free for Amazon Prime customers. Reviews for the book on the Amazon.com site are WELCOME and appreciated!
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