Friday, January 24, 2014. It takes great crimes against an INFANT for the ability to feel loved to be prevented from developing within that infant’s nervous system and brain.
My guess is that there are few people on earth who can recognize the truth of what I am saying. I would have to talk with some autistic people to see how they relate to the condition of FEELING what it feels like to be loved by other people.
But I was NOT born autistic. Not even close. My ability to feel what it feels like to be loved was given to me through psychotic abuse nearly IN THE COMPLETE ABSENCE OF ANY ADULT POSITIVE ATTACHMENT in my life. The book mentioned at the end of this post discusses what love was available to me — and there was SOME or I would not be alive.
But what little love was given to me starting in infancy was NOT enough to build consistent stable neurological circuits into my body brain that would allow me to know what it feels like to be loved except when I am in the IMMEDIATE physical presence of my “attachment” people.
Infants are supposed to progress out of that stage of dependency on the physical presence of their positive attachment people very early in life. I did not have a chance to grow OUT of it because I never had the chance to grow INTO and THROUGH it.
Why I was chosen to be one of those few people is not something I will understand in this lifetime, but being one of those people gives me a very unique perspective from which to write about the concerns of infant and child abuse.
Do I WANT to have this perspective? NO! If I had sounded that NO with every breath of my lifetime it would not be enough to convey the tragedy of this state of being.
I do not think my condition is connected in its difficulty to not being able to TRUST those who claim to love me. The problem is that the damage done to me happened before TRUST ever developed. There simply was so little love given to me from my first breath that I could not FEEL what being loved ever felt like (with the exceptions as written in Story Without Words).
If an infant never feels loved in the first place trust is a moot point. A non-issue. It doesn’t matter because trust originates within the INFANT as it connects the infant to its attachment environment. No love = no attachment = no trust = a no brainer!
Is there infant abuse and neglect so severe – in the absence of other adult or even older child caregiver attachment relationships – that can remove from an infant the ability to feel what it feels like to be loved?
I know this for a fact.
I live this way.
This is the hardest aspect of myself in the world for me to articulate.
I know what it feels like to be loved when I am in the physical presence of someone who loves me. For all the complicated terminology that attachment experts use to describe the development of the neurobiological underpinnings within the body that process attachment-related information I only know that evidently I have no way to REMEMBER what being loved feels like very long after the person who loves me leaves my presence.
Because I have been an adult for a long time I have learned to use my intellect to buffer me during the “apart” times. When my daughter could no longer come to Arizona at least once a year to physically see me I could no longer generate the FEELING of her love for me. I began to starve to death inside for that feeling.
So I moved here.
Other people who loved me also stopped coming to see me.
This continued to my increased starvation.
I lost a very close friendship with a man I have loved since 2000.
This also contributed to my increased starvation for being in the physical presence of someone who loves me.
So I moved here.
These thoughts came rushing through an opening in my heart last night as I posted those few last pictures of my Arizona home and as I looked around me at where I am now.
I have used my ability to connect to beauty around me to buffer the absence of the feeling of being loved all of my life from as far back as I can remember. This ability was given to me as a part of my heritage of self when I was born.
There is some kind of counterbalancing process that goes on deep within me between the sustenance I find from PLACE and the sustenance I gain from being with the people I love (YES I do love!) and who love me. This counterbalance is currently upset.
This is my view out the sliding glass door of my living room facing west. There is only one other small window, also facing west, in the bedroom. This is the cat tail area. These are probably the ONLY apartments in the city of Fargo that exist with this kind of space between buildings. I am MOST fortunate to have found this place – BUT!!!!!
My yard shoveled – an 8′ x 8′ cement slab. Food for the wild rabbits in the pan. It is snowing again already and another blizzard will be here by tonight.
Of all the beautiful places that exist on this planet – I am not living in one of those physical places.
It is the LOVE in and of my family that has brought me here. How long will I stay here? My lease runs until December 1, 2014. How much longer after that can I survive here? Where would I go if I leave? How could I keep my heart from not breaking from missing my family? How can I keep my heart from hurting from what is to me such a lack of natural beauty around me?
MY POINT: Because of my severely altered attachment development through horrible abuse from birth I have had removed from me the ability to modulate feelings that operate on a continuum of SOME KIND for everyone who at least had SOMEONE to sustain them with love while their body was growing into this world.
I therefore have to process myself in this world in very painful ways. I am at an inner point in my life where it is impossible for me to any longer negotiate my feelings with my intellect. I came to both a wonderful spot – family wise – and a spot that was horrible for me 30 and 40 years ago – a spot that I fought to escape with everything I had within me.
I do not like to complain! Neither do I deny my reality. I write on this blog about what my reality IS – so here I am writing exactly THAT!! I have an insecure attachment disorder – to the MAX!
Here is our first book out in ebook format. A very kind professional graphic artist is going to revise our cover pro bono – what a gift and thank you Ben!
It lists for $2.99 and can be read free for Amazon Prime customers. Reviews for the book on the Amazon.com site are WELCOME and appreciated!
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