+CHANGED WHERE IT HURTS THE MOST: The inability to feel loved

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Friday, January 24, 2014.  It takes great crimes against an INFANT for the ability to feel loved to be prevented from developing within that infant’s nervous system and brain.

My guess is that there are few people on earth who can recognize the truth of what I am saying.  I would have to talk with some autistic people to see how they relate to the condition of FEELING what it feels like to be loved by other people.

But I was NOT born autistic.  Not even close.  My ability to feel what it feels like to be loved was given to me through psychotic abuse nearly IN THE COMPLETE ABSENCE OF ANY ADULT POSITIVE ATTACHMENT in my life.  The book mentioned at the end of this post discusses what love was available to me — and there was SOME or I would not be alive. 

But what little love was given to me starting in infancy was NOT enough to build consistent stable neurological circuits into my body brain that would allow me to know what it feels like to be loved except when I am in the IMMEDIATE physical presence of my “attachment” people.

Infants are supposed to progress out of that stage of dependency on the physical presence of their positive attachment people very early in life.  I did not have a chance to grow OUT of it because I never had the chance to grow INTO and THROUGH it.

Why I was chosen to be one of those few people is not something I will understand in this lifetime, but being one of those people gives me a very unique perspective from which to write about the concerns of infant and child abuse.

Do I WANT to have this perspective?  NO!  If I had sounded that NO with every breath of my lifetime it would not be enough to convey the tragedy of this state of being.

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I do not think my condition is connected in its difficulty to not being able to TRUST those who claim to love me.  The problem is that the damage done to me happened before TRUST ever developed.  There simply was so little love given to me from my first breath that I could not FEEL what being loved ever felt like (with the exceptions as written in Story Without Words).

If an infant never feels loved in the first place trust is a moot point.  A non-issue.  It doesn’t matter because trust originates within the INFANT as it connects the infant to its attachment environment.  No love = no attachment = no trust = a no brainer!

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Is there infant abuse and neglect so severe – in the absence of other adult or even older child caregiver attachment relationships – that can remove from an infant the ability to feel what it feels like to be loved?

Yes.

I know this for a fact.

I live this way.

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This is the hardest aspect of myself in the world for me to articulate.

I know what it feels like to be loved when I am in the physical presence of someone who loves me.  For all the complicated terminology that attachment experts use to describe the development of the neurobiological underpinnings within the body that process attachment-related information I only know that evidently I have no way to REMEMBER what being loved feels like very long after the person who loves me leaves my presence.

Because I have been an adult for a long time I have learned to use my intellect to buffer me during the “apart” times.  When my daughter could no longer come to Arizona at least once a year to physically see me I could no longer generate the FEELING of her love for me.  I began to starve to death inside for that feeling.

So I moved here.

Other people who loved me also stopped coming to see me.

This continued to my increased starvation.

I lost a very close friendship with a man I have loved since 2000.

This also contributed to my increased starvation for being in the physical presence of someone who loves me.

So I moved here.

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These thoughts came rushing through an opening in my heart last night as I posted those few last pictures of my Arizona home and as I looked around me at where I am now.

I have used my ability to connect to beauty around me to buffer the absence of the feeling of being loved all of my life from as far back as I can remember.  This ability was given to me as a part of my heritage of self when I was born.

There is some kind of counterbalancing process that goes on deep within me between the sustenance I find from PLACE and the sustenance I gain from being with the people I love (YES I do love!) and who love me.  This counterbalance is currently upset.

Fargo 2014 apt 001

This is my view out the sliding glass door of my living room facing west.  There is only one other small window, also facing west, in the bedroom.  This is the cat tail area.  These are probably the ONLY apartments in the city of Fargo that exist with this kind of space between buildings.  I am MOST fortunate to have found this place – BUT!!!!!

Fargo 2014 apt 002To my left looking out – the building to my south that faces north.

Fargo 2014 apt 003 Building to my right is in the north facing south.

Fargo 2014 apt 004

My yard.

Fargo 2014 apt 005

My yard shoveled – an 8′ x 8′ cement slab.  Food for the wild rabbits in the pan.  It is snowing again already and another blizzard will be here by tonight.

Of all the beautiful places that exist on this planet – I am not living in one of those physical places.

It is the LOVE in and of my family that has brought me here.  How long will I stay here?  My lease runs until December 1, 2014.  How much longer after that can I survive here?  Where would I go if I leave?  How could I keep my heart from not breaking from missing my family?  How can I keep my heart from hurting from what is to me such a lack of natural beauty around me?

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MY POINT:  Because of my severely altered attachment development through horrible abuse from birth I have had removed from me the ability to modulate feelings that operate on a continuum of SOME KIND for everyone who at least had SOMEONE to sustain them with love while their body was growing into this world.

I therefore have to process myself in this world in very painful ways.  I am at an inner point in my life where it is impossible for me to any  longer negotiate my feelings with my intellect.  I came to both a wonderful spot – family wise – and a spot that was horrible for me 30 and 40 years ago – a spot that I fought to escape with everything I had within me.

I do not like to complain!  Neither do I deny my reality.  I write on this blog about what my reality IS – so here I am writing exactly THAT!!  I have an insecure attachment disorder – to the MAX!

DAMN IT!

Just saying….

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Here is our first book out in ebook format.  A very kind professional graphic artist is going to revise our cover pro bono – what a gift and thank you Ben!

A STORY WITHOUT WORDS

It lists for $2.99 and can be read free for Amazon Prime customers.  Reviews for the book on the Amazon.com site are WELCOME and appreciated!

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Please click here to read or to Leave a Comment »

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4 thoughts on “+CHANGED WHERE IT HURTS THE MOST: The inability to feel loved

  1. I just found your blog last night while I was laying in bed with one of my only friends, my laptop. I spend hours and hours daily on the internet looking for answers or clues as to why I am so damaged and loveless. I was severely abused by both parents and my older brother. When I was around 12 years of age, my parents separated and Mom left us. Not only did she physically leave her children, she emotionally severed from us. We visited her every other weekend, but she was already so far gone that she never even felt like a mother to me. She was just some woman who barely tolerated my presence every other weekend. I now know she was emotionally severed long before that. I found you and your writings and have slowly been finding my own voice since last night. I feel like I’ve just found some answers (and validation) and wanted to let you know how thankful I am. I am sensing so many similarities in our stories. It’s a relief to not feel so alone in a world where NOBODY seems to be damaged as badly as we have been. Thank you!

    • Oh dear – hello!! YES, WE KNOW!!! You are NOT alone – such tragedy and a burden beyond belief not only to have lived through what we did – but to be living in a body that was physiologically changed in response to trauma! There is MUCH on this blog that you will relate to and understand from the inside out. Please post a comment ANYWHERE you wish to!! Hearing from you encourages me to NOT GIVE UP in my work, no matter how hard it seems to be sometimes!! Thank you for visiting and for your comment!

      You are a miracle of survival! We all are that have endured and made it through to be here still. We were not only essentially born as orphans, we were severely hurt by the people who we NEEDED to protect and care for us. I have some posts on here somewhere about unburying OUR SELF from under the rubble of trauma that was heaped upon us that NEVER belonged to us! It belonged to the people who harmed us – WE were perfect little beings in the midst of all that and I belief the more clear we can become about what truly happened to us the more we can separate out who we were as beautiful shining little people – at our core that is still with us — through it all!

      THANK YOU and hope to hear from you again soon. WE ARE HERE!! xo

  2. NOTE: A complication of this is that it has been impossible for me in relationships with men to know if they are telling me the truth when they claim to love me. Looking back I doubt any of the men I have loved have actually loved me in return.

    If they had, they would have treated me better. No doubt about it.

    This inability to distinguish between the words of “I love you” and the actions of “I love you” originated very early in my life. My parents both professed that they loved me. NOTHING could have been further from the truth.

    • Winter just sucks doesn’t it? I totally agree with your note at the end. Just know that I find your writing very comforting and very informative. I love how real you. Hope you get sunny weather and blue skies soon.

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