Tuesday, January 14, 2014. I struggle even with the inclusion of “I” in the title of this post. I struggle with being able to identify and own the fact that I might NEED anything. If one has no needs — as I deeply learned as a traumatized infant and child — life is safer! After all, what else could I control in the dangerous madhouse of a home I was raised in other than the internal status of myself?
Of course when severe trauma begins at birth most of the “control” over a self being harmed happens through physiololgical changes in development so that these adaptations can help a little one survive. In the beginning the choices for survival are entirely automatic — and unfortunately because these trauma changes build themselves into the developing body-brain of a developing child — they STAY there operating outside the range of consciousness for much of our lifetime.
Something as basic as needing ANYTHING can become a threat-to-life for a little person under the burden of early relationship trauma. Who is there to depend upon to have any need met? At least for me my family did have its most essential needs met — although even that was pretty iffy on many occasions.
Self needs? Not a chance. This was true for all of us in the family with our psychotic Borderline Pesonality Disorder mother ruling her roost.
Our body is essentially programmed to know one thing: “I need to live.”
Everything and anything a body can do to make sure its life continues is what it is going to do in any way that it can.
When trauma begins very early in life, and that includes life as it happens in the womb, the rapidly developing body will make all possible adjustments to adapt to THOSE traumas as they are being perceived by the body. Because we only go through our early essential body developmental stages ONCE, the changes made in adaptation to trauma remain for our lifetime.
It is THOSE trauma changes that are the cause of so MANY of the difficulties we face as adults.
Nobody tells us this….
When it comes to the possibility that “I need a new blog” I want to pull I out of the sentence so that I cannot be a target for anything. Threat? Why am I reacting to threat? Where is the threat of harm?
My trauma changed body is ALWAYS asking that question in some way on some level.
The issue appeared last night as my daughter emailed me about the “social media presence” platform that “needs” to be in place before we publish our first book, Story Without Words.
Just to give you an idea of what so intimidated and frightened me about this process here is a snippet from her email as editor and co-author of this book: