+IRRITABILITY

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Thursday, January 2, 2014.  “Limbic kindling.”  I think of this as “limbic irritability” as it is literally a consequence (most of the time) of early child abuse during early brain/nervous system formative stages that results in injury and wounding.  I often think of skin irritation after a burn.  An extreme sensitivity to events in the environment that touch it or send reverberations that escalate like resounding trauma echoes into areas that we have no way NOT to feel if we are on a healing journey.

A few years ago I learned that “depression” is an “anxiety disorder.”  Depression is known to be complemented with irritability.  Anxiety, at least for me, certainly follows those same pathways.  I believe these are both directly tied to Posttraumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD), as well.  Add to this pot of horrors a big dose of dissociation and its complements of depersonalization and derealization, and – well – those who KNOW know the patterns that result.

For 14 years I limited my life to a small town rural area where the climate and the culture suited me like a comfortable second skin.  Like a comfortable outfit of clothing that place only chafed me when the wind blew dirt into my house and when my poverty made it difficult for me to adequately heat my uninsulated house.  People there were easy-going.  Nobody in all the time I lived there ever breathed the words “low income” although many residents certainly were.

No, the place was not perfect but within that arena I knew clearly what my limits were and could live a life that avoided conflicts with the world-at-large.  I may soon write of some of the bizarre encounters I have met here in Fargo in situations that could not possibly appear where I just moved from.  I have NO PATIENCE with ….  well, if I were to begin writing of those scenarios and situations now this post would move to another level I don’t intend for this one.

Enough to say that my limbic irritability has not won me friends in the arenas I am referring to — nor does my irritability contribute to me caring.  How the irritability interacts with the stress within my family is another matter and one of great complexity that I DO care about.  Although the physiological connections to all my irritability — and I know this because I remember myself very well as a different far calmer and nicer person throughout most of my adulthood until my Reactive Attachment Disorder was triggered in the past ten years — resides in my nervous system itself, it is far from only anger that rebounds within me when it comes to family and that history. 

I was thinking yesterday that humans did not evolve to for a life that moves this fast!!  I find it impossible to keep up with the pace of interactions that people have with one another.  In this light I know that once my life settles down, and my home is put back together as much as it can be here, I hope some inner peace returns to me in place of much of this irritability that leaves me with a heart pleading for forgiveness for my emotional state from the universe that did allow the injuries to happen to me in the first place!  So many mysteries.

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