Thursday, January 2, 2014. Ninety-seven days have passed since I disconnected my computer from the internet at my home in Arizona as I headed into the thick of my major move north. Here I am at my new apartment — online. These have been some bucking-bronco-days. I wish I could, through ESP, communicate to you readers all I wish I could!! I doubt that even words are my friends right now. I am still in the midst of what I have called “the too muchness of life.” (I write this with the immediate thought following, “I have no right to complain. Life could be so much worse.”)
Never having been on the back of a bucking bronco I can only imagine that it would be difficult to feel at peace during the experience. Calm repose? Hardly. It is NOT the collection, the long continuous stream of changes and repercussions that this monster move has brought to me that is so much the problem. As is true of so many (if not all) severe early child abuse trauma survivors it is my very body, my nervous system, brain, emotions — all of those trauma created changes in HOW I experience my experiences that makes what I have gone through and am going through so extraordinarily difficult — not only for me but for those around me.
At this moment as I view the terrain of ME at this moment I would, hands down (or hands up?) name this as a Reactive (Insecure) Attachment Disorder malady. The “disorganized disoriented” array can be somewhat controlled for with the loving attendance of my daughters. ONLY one thing at a time can be dealt with — and SURPRISES are poisonous toxins to me. Yet even with steps in this process being mostly anticipated my reactivity is lying at the edge of internal chaos most of the time.
“Limbic kindling” is an excellent term as it has been put forth by the developmental neuroscientists to describe some of what happens when the overly distressed early forming right brain hemisphere is/was challenged past the coping level especially due to relationship trauma from age 0-2 attachment caregivers. The emotional experiences I am going through do create almost a “seizure” kind of sensation as the intensity and dysregulation of stimulation-reaction cannot be matched with my ability to smoothly transition through changes.
I have a few blog posts that I have handwritten in the past few days. I am not sure if I will post them or not. Because my life is not intimately involved with family members’ I need to determine where the boundaries are between what I would say if the field were wide open and what I can say to be respectful of privacy. I just don’t know — which is my state regarding so much of my existence right now.
At least I am back online although I do not know where to keep my computer during the day as I care for my 17-month-old very active grandson. (The Cable One internet installer could not get my router to work so the wireless component of my internet service is not yet working.) I am used to a pattern of writing that lets me keep the computer where I can step over to write at any moment during the day. How to do that in this tiny apartment is as yet beyond me but I will do my best to figure out that problem along with all the others around me.
Thank you readers for your patience during my absence from this blog. Instead of a colorful Arizona desert landscape and the glories of my garden in winter I look out at snow on a below zero day. All is different in my life, so very very different from what is familiar — and grounding to me. Just saying….
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