+THE MUCHNESS OF LIFE

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Monday, November 25, 2013.  Time seems to stretch out behind and in front of me – slowly – as if these recent huge changes in my life have shifted the way things appear in my own rear-view mirror of life and in front of me as I anticipate horizons I move along toward.  I have been in Fargo, North Dakota at my daughter’s house since October 12.  The skies hang heavy and gray above this flat landscape nearly all of the time.  As winter approaches the winds often slice at life harshly.  Much to adjust to.  Much that is wonderful.  Much that is hard.  Just plain MUCH sometimes!

It is wonderful beyond words to be with my two grown daughters and with my little grandsons (ages 17 months and 3 1/2 years).  I have been staying where the babies live but have finally secured a one bedroom apartment beginning December 1st.  I am a country (wilderness) woman, not a city dweller by nature.  Neither do I do well in apartments but that’s where I have placed myself — by choice.  Careful choice.

I often think now about the complexities of life lived as a human being — which is of course all I know.  I think about the range of the complex emotions I feel.  If I give myself permission to just LIVE with and through them I understand that ALL emotions are life.  There are not “good” ones and “bad” ones.  Not even “positive” emotions versus “negative” emotions.  I watch my young grandsons LIVE their emotions — and at their ages, at their stages of development, living only ONE emotion at a time is what they do.

It is going through these stages of early development being loved and safe and securely attached that will allow these boys to grow to increasingly more advanced stages of being able to feel MANY EMOTIONS AT THE SAME TIME!!  Feel them, live them, live with them — be alive to each moment whatever it brings.

The little ones cannot make the kinds of choices an adult or an older child can make about how to name feelings, change them, act upon them, let them go, rearrange them — and all the other kinds of more mature things humans can do with their emotions.  Of course for people like me and for many of this blog’s readers, we never had ANYTHING we needed to move through those early emotional-developmental stages in “ordinary” ways.  That certainly doesn’t stop us from FEELING!

Fargo is kind of known as a STOIC region of the country.  Well, that ain’t me, babe!!  I am working on toning down my comments and complaints tied to how much I detest cold winters (!!!) — but I will not deny my reality on the one hand in favor of a fancier, more “user-friendly” reality on the other hand!

Physical life on the material plane is temporary.  Transitory.  At 62 I suppose I think a lot more about that then I did when I was considerably younger.  I am going for the bigger gold now!  I wish to have a positive impact in the lives of my grandsons that might — should they ever have children — travel into the future along with shared DNA.  At the least I hope to help them in some ways to have a better life that will positively impact everyone they are ever in contact with.  I couldn’t do that sitting down there on the Mexican border in that place of mountains and so much milder climate!

I do worry about myself living in a 702 square foot apartment that has one small west window in the bedroom and one sliding glass door facing west in the living room — and the rest is just plain a CAVE in my universe!  I have much I am adjusting to, and complexities of PTSD, anxiety, well – all the rest of it – don’t make these kinds of adjustments “a walk in the park.”  But I needed this change.  I needed to grow stronger again not just more complacent.

My girls and I love one another – and have missed one another for YEARS.  They help me in every way that they can.  I am working to be balanced in what I expect of myself as these changes continue — but I will not settle for STUCK!!

This is the first blog post I have written for what seems like years (in that odd time-stretching sort of way).  I am NOT USED TO these kinds of heavy blanketing gray cloudy days!  Where is the brilliant Arizona blue splashed with the brilliance of sunlight?  Left behind me.  Left far, far behind me as I reach for a different, inner sort of warmth and light.  There is MUCH to be had of ALL of it!  That which is hard.  That which is easier.

Everything IS OK!  Everything WILL BE OK!!  I reassure myself nearly continually.  I CAN do this!  I AM doing this!  (The 17-month-old is no longer in daycare and is in my care.  He’s fussing about afternoon nap.  My anxiety level goes up like a thermometer!  I assure myself, “This is NOT a big deal!”  And – in such small ways – I am being useful!)

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6 thoughts on “+THE MUCHNESS OF LIFE

  1. I so love the way you write. Stumbled on your blog accidently a couple of months ago. I too am a disorganized insecure attachment person with some depression and some co-dependency thrown in (getting kind of sick of all the labels, but it is what it is). Good luck in Fargo. Having your daughters and grandkids around will be wonderful and I respect you for realizing that it’s important to help raise a new generation that doesn’t have to suffer from the actions of their relatives in the past (stop the storm?) Anyway, keep writing. It helps me to not feel so alone and damaged and that I may one day find that elusive “earned secure” label.

    • Hello Lisa! Sorry for the long delay in responding to you! Thank you for writing here, and for visiting my blog.

      Yes, sick of the labels – but I think the truth is that until “they” get serious about recognizing the changes that trauma makes to development they will NOT get close to what is really going on for us. It is not a collection of “stuff!” I have a friend with such a history who just simply describes “all” of it in terms of alterations in nervous system development caused by the distress of trauma early on. As our brain is a part of our Central Nervous System, and agree — with a PLUS – that our immune system, circadian rhythms, brainstem – well ALL of us except our essentail soul self (as I call it) was affected.

      I also believe we developed many “giftedness” qualities along the way or we would not still be here!

      In light of “the next generation” – I continue to be greatly troubled by the effect I believe daycare has on the development of little ones – to the point that I think in the long run – and even in the short run – we will see trauma altered development in these “day orphans” even though there is no direct “abuse” to these babes and children. From this we will likely see epigentic changes, too, and all of THIS will travel down generations.

      But this is a topic for future posts – I believe Canadian doctor Gordon Neufeld has it right – and it is SCARY! (Can look online – he has info on bullying, raising preschoolers, adolescents, etc. I am hoping he puts the material from those expensive cds, dvds into more BOOKS we can afford – so important!)

      It’s part of what so concerns me about my grandsons! But it’s tiring for me to be so emotionally upset about all of this! I am working toward more objectivity, I hope….

      Also, I have somewhere on this big blog!! Writings where I speak of what I call BORROWED secure attachment. I think that fits for me a lot more than earned secure especially regarding my family.

      Thank you for the affirmations and encouragement! I feel incredibly awkward verbally right now in all spheres! (thoughts, spoken conversation, writing). All these changes are going to have to change me a great deal and for me that can be risky business!!! (dissociation related in many ways)

      Hope you are doing well — and I prefer CHANGED to damaged – if we hadn’t been able to CHANGE to adapt we would have died!

      all the best, alchemynow – Linda

  2. It has been a while since you have last written.
    It is nice how you appreciate the nature;
    and how you capture your emotions and feelings in words.
    Hope you have wonderful adventures- up there in the cold.

    • …And, even MORE time has gone by – apologies for the long delay in responding to your comment! I am a smoker, still after over 40 years – haven’t been able to quit – and smoking outside in 30 below windchills — well, I DO IT! I hate the smell of smoke in my house – which is part of why I stayed SOUTH – but can’t have it in here and care for the grandsons – tho does add to my irritability having cut back 3/4ths –

      Nature – I am so NOT a city person and VERY HARD for me to be “trapped” in one, especially one growing like it has cancer with NO beauty, no sense of beauty – box stores, box houses, massive box apartment buildings — HARD to focus on the good of being here – unless the baby is here with me — and then it’s obvious!

      It is very VERY flat here – nearly completely so except for the little dip and reed and cattail pond outside my apartment door! (LIGHT POLLUTION is TERRIBLE HERE!!) I am grateful for the space between these apartment buildings around that dip – and for the many rabbits that play there! I bought rabbit pellets and the bunnies have found them – so more will be needed — but if they can survive this place so can I.

      I have also searched and searched for LIGHTS for the inside that mimic sunlight – dark here at best, and with 3 directions in this apartment with no windows at all sometimes I think I will DIE here! Did you ever browse over my AZ garden pics? I MISS my garden – oh well, huh?!

      At the top of the blog — LINDA’S ADOBE PEACE GARDEN
      — it may be that wordpress has taken away active page links – that’s true if this (below) goes not take you to the garden! This does NOT look like the old addresses! Or the correct one!

      https://stopthestorm.wordpress.com/link-to-us/

      Hope you are well and Happy New Year!! Alchemynow – Linda

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