Saturday, September 28, 2013. I am in the process of going through a most unpleasant experience of trauma drama that is fortunately connected to someone I “only” tried to be a friend with, someone is was only peripherally a part of my life. There is NOTHING enjoyable about being caught in ANYONE’S trauma drama, but if such a pattern shows up it can be a very good thing to learn something important and useful from the experience.
I know an adult who was hated and therefore never loved by his mother. From my point of view this gay man does not appear to have any male “friends” but does have a collection of women in his life that I think he does consider “friends.”
Looking at anyone’s life from the outside leaves of course an inaccurate perception of “what is going on” inside that person. But when that “going on” forces itself into my life I believe I have the right to pay attention at any edges where the other’s experience overlaps my own, ESPECIALLY when that spill-over is negative.
This person wrote me an email several weeks ago in which I was told I was “too much work” to be in this man’s life. So be it. I know a line when I encounter one.
Once I or anyone else draws that kind of line involving mutual interactions I consider the breach final, permanent, irreversible and – well – ugly but evidently necessary. I began to figure out once I received that email that I was “too real” of a person insisting on equality of personhood in that “friendship” relationship. Being a real person for someone with very ancient, deep, and unhealed/unrecognized “mommy concerns” DOES NOT WORK.
I simply refused to be “good mommy” as I believe the other women in this man’s life are. I also – and more importantly – refused to be the “bad mommy” because I was not playing the “good mommy” role. Either extreme or any pattern involving a good/bad mommy split is only one thing: TRAUMA DRAMA. In this case – mommy drama!
Because I know and know of some of these other women I suspect that my being alone in this area particularly without family left me in a position none of these other women are in. I had “attachment village” needs that I have worked to fill through friendships. Legitimate friendships!
Having such needs is not criminal, sick or wrong! Attempting to grow and sustain one’s attachment village is a very good thing — among equals.
Twice in three weeks this person has arrived at our local farmers’ market while I was busily engaged with customers and attempted to engage me in his momma trauma drama again. The first time I tried to be diplomatic. When this person appeared today and interrupted sales and conversations with a group of customers I made clear that the line that man drew is a line he cannot cross in MY life.
I am done. I am so done and I consider this man’s actions today harassment. It was an ugly intrusion into my most pleasant bag-selling day. I was upset. I am still upset. My customers were shocked and upset. This better not happen again!
I have one more weekend to sell my bags at market – next weekend. My friend from near the Canadian border will arrive here this coming Thursday and the serious packing will take place as the U-Haul is loaded the following Tuesday, my old el Camino will be rolled up its trailer on Wednesday the 9th and off we go into the next chapter of my life.
(After showing my gardens and this rental house 10 times the PERFECT next tenants have appeared who will make their home here and not only keep this garden alive – but deeply appreciate it and make it thrive. They will keep my hens and my cats, as well! WHAT A RELIEF!)
My friend is sturdy. If this man appears again I will sick her on him! What kind of dog breed is it that bites and does not let go? Oh. Yeah. A bulldog. That’s one very certain talent of my friend!
Meanwhile I see that “bad mommy” projections are always part of a “mommy complex” that require serious good therapy to resolve. I have gifts related to doing therapy – but I am NOT a therapist and I do NOT earn $120+ an hour to take transference crap from anyone!
I was BORN to a psychotic abusive Borderline Personality Disorder mother who tortured me for 18 years. All that went wrong between her mother and my mother was forced upon me. I WILL NOT be anyone’s bad mommy – and if not playing the role of someone’s good mommy turns me into a bad mommy in someone’s trauma drama — well, my walls are sealed.
Ain’t gonna happen!
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