+THE BAD MOMMY COMPLEX

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Saturday, September 28, 2013. I am in the process of going through a most unpleasant experience of trauma drama that is fortunately connected to someone I “only” tried to be a friend with, someone is was only peripherally a part of my life.  There is NOTHING enjoyable about being caught in ANYONE’S trauma drama, but if such a pattern shows up it can be a very good thing to learn something important and useful from the experience.

I know an adult who was hated and therefore never loved by his mother.  From my point of view this gay man does not appear to have any male “friends” but does have a collection of women in his life that I think he does consider “friends.” 

Looking at anyone’s life from the outside leaves of course an inaccurate perception of “what is going on” inside that person.  But when that “going on” forces itself into my life I believe I have the right to pay attention at any edges where the other’s experience overlaps my own, ESPECIALLY when that spill-over is negative.

This person wrote me an email several weeks ago in which I was told I was “too much work” to be in this man’s life.  So be it.  I know a line when I encounter one.

Once I or anyone else draws that kind of line involving mutual interactions I consider the breach final, permanent, irreversible and – well – ugly but evidently necessary.  I began to figure out once I received that email that I was “too real” of a person insisting on equality of personhood in that “friendship” relationship.  Being a real person for someone with very ancient, deep, and unhealed/unrecognized “mommy concerns” DOES NOT WORK.

I simply refused to be “good mommy” as I believe the other women in this man’s life are.  I also – and more importantly – refused to be the “bad mommy” because I was not playing the “good mommy” role.  Either extreme or any pattern involving a good/bad mommy split is only one thing:  TRAUMA DRAMA.  In this case – mommy drama!

Because I know and know of some of these other women I suspect that my being alone in this area particularly without family left me in a position none of these other women are in.  I had “attachment village” needs that I have worked to fill through friendships.  Legitimate friendships!

Having such needs is not criminal, sick or wrong!  Attempting to grow and sustain one’s attachment village is a very good thing — among equals.

Twice in three weeks this person has arrived at our local farmers’ market while I was busily engaged with customers and attempted to engage me in his momma trauma drama again.  The first time I tried to be diplomatic.  When this person appeared today and interrupted sales and conversations with a group of customers I made clear that the line that man drew is a line he cannot cross in MY life.

I am done.  I am so done and I consider this man’s actions today harassment.  It was an ugly intrusion into my most pleasant bag-selling day.  I was upset.  I am still upset.  My customers were shocked and upset.  This better not happen again!

I have one more weekend to sell my bags at market – next weekend.  My friend from near the Canadian border will arrive here this coming Thursday and the serious packing will take place as the U-Haul is loaded the following Tuesday, my old el Camino will be rolled up its trailer on Wednesday the 9th and off we go into the next chapter of my life.

(After showing my gardens and this rental house 10 times the PERFECT next tenants have appeared who will make their home here and not only keep this garden alive – but deeply appreciate it and make it thrive.  They will keep my hens and my cats, as well!  WHAT A RELIEF!)

My friend is sturdy.  If this man appears again I will sick her on him!  What kind of dog breed is it that bites and does not let go?  Oh.  Yeah.  A bulldog.  That’s one very certain talent of my friend!

Meanwhile I see that “bad mommy” projections are always part of a “mommy complex” that require serious good therapy to resolve.  I have gifts related to doing therapy – but I am NOT a therapist and I do NOT earn $120+ an hour to take transference crap from anyone!

I was BORN to a psychotic abusive Borderline Personality Disorder mother who tortured me for 18 years.  All that went wrong between her mother and my mother was forced upon me.  I WILL NOT be anyone’s bad mommy – and if not playing the role of someone’s good mommy turns me into a bad mommy in someone’s trauma drama — well, my walls are sealed.

Ain’t gonna happen! 

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5 thoughts on “+THE BAD MOMMY COMPLEX

  1. I have A sister in law of whom I was very close, until recently. She had definite family problems growing up (my husband also) anyway we lost all 3 living parents in the last 2 years. My dad was sick and died of cancer September 2013. (Huge stress for me… My good parent died/left, my trauma momma died 33 yrs ago=relief!!!). Anyway, she is acting like the gay guy in your post… so I texted back that I only accept positive and upbuilding communication, and blocked her from being able to call or text. A voice mail slipped thru and she said she was hurt and reiterated (over and over and over since she’s gone AWOL[when MY dad got sick]) that she’s sorry she can never say the right thing to make me happy. We see her regularly, she now is included in my friend circle. I’m sure she speaks her complaints about me to my friends… My friends are loyal to do the right thing… Give me the benefit of the doubt and stop the gossip… But I feel a bit unlovable with her doing that… Or I worry my friends will see me in a bad light. Bummer. I am so happy to have set a boundary to take care of myself though. I LOVE your blog. I was able to communicate in words that my husband understood this a.m. He was happy to understand! I am so hopeful and happy! Thank you for your experiences and for places to comment. Hope your move is settling down. PS. I have heard from a rad Dr on YouTube (1hr and some minutes long-excellent) that klonopin settles the fight/flight response so we can use our executive thinking abilities. Hopeful.
    Your comrad,
    Joan

  2. Not only possible, but understandable. I remember years ago in college, we had to write in the first person of a famous person. I wrote as Coretta Scott King. I wrote about the bus boycott. I titled it “Tired Soles, Rested Souls”. So hang in there, keep working your tail off to accomplish your goal and your soles will be tired, but your soul will be rested. Yippee for you! It’s coming, you’ll see. I would like to strongly recommend that when you are able, when you feel the strongest, go back over what you have written, very slowly and carefully and only with lots of support around you. You will be absolutely amazed at how far you have come. I see it. You will too, when you’re ready. Take care.
    Lisa

  3. Good for you! I believe that because of our attachment issues, we sometimes attach too easily and too quickly which can lead to real heartbreak for us. The strength it takes to recognize and understand what’s going on with this man is something I am still striving to accomplish.
    Because I always assume something is wrong with me, I work far too hard on these dysfunctional friendships and keep trying because it must be my fault. Bully for you that you not only recognize what is going on with this lost soul, but that you also have the strength, (not to mention some great-sounding back up), to say NO!
    Do you ever go back and look at the things you have written on your journey, just to see how far you’ve come? I am really proud of you. You are truly an inspiration to me.
    Lisa

    • Hi Lisa – I was thinking yesterday I had a very clear and strong initial reaction not to the positive – a warning response – when I first met this many years ago. I of course ignored it! Yes, you hit the nail on the head – as I read your words, not unlike reactive attachment disorder children we do – I do – tend to ignore warnings from within and attach too fast and too much, etc.

      Good point – I did/do NOT take this personally even tho this man worked VERY HARD to make me feel that there is something wrong with me! YAY ME! And thanks so much for making this point!

      Somehow connected with dissociation – so far I have never been able to go back and read anything I have written. Even with the first book, Story Without Words – that my daughter has no time to finish editing until I get up there to help with the boys – I cannot read what I wrote – and don’t expect that I ever will be able to. (Makes proofing impossible for me!)

      My daughter understands all of this….

      So good to hear from you! I spoke with my friend today and am feeling comforted with her very (words failed me here….) — her very soon arrival!!!! She makes me LAUGH and oh how I need that.

      I feel like my soul is tired. Wonder if such a thing is possible!!!!!! xo

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