+WHEN LIFE IS LIFE

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Saturday, July 27, 2013.   Sometimes a blog post title appears all on its own.  I’ve never had the stamina to argue with such titles.  “When is life NOT life?” I ask the title popper-upper.  All I hear in my thoughts in response is, “When you are THINKING about life you are not aware that life is just life.”

I am very aware today that life for me right now is simply LIFE.  I am aware of the simplest things.  How tasty my organic green vegetable juice is and how pleasant it is to know that there is probably nothing better in life that I could consume.  How I have been beaten by a bunch of bugs so small they’ve been named no-see-ums.  (Ceratopogonidae are tiny biting flies barely visible to the eye. Referred to as no-see-ums because of their minute size and also known as punkies, sandfleas and biting midges.)  Oh, these BUGS certainly have humbled big me!

We are supposed to be in the middle of our Arizona high desert monsoon season.  It rained buckets from the 1st through the 11th of July and not a drop since where I live.  Usually we have afternoon daily rains for 6-8 weeks.  But we have had enough moisture to bring out the worst of those tiny monsters whose bites I am quite allergic to.  I have burn-blister red legs and red swollen patches all over this body I live with/in.  Quite the deal.  I am hiding in my house and still they are finding me.  (I tried four different bug repellants today including 100% DEET and they still attacked me!)

Besides green juice and wicked teensy bugs a major decision has made itself in my life.

I notice I am not quite ready to boldly state, “I have made a major decision,” which is exactly what I have done.  I actually feel like I ended up in a deadend in a maze of my life — and am fortunate that at least ONE WAY OUT is available to me.  I will take it.

Two and a half months from now I will most likely be living over 1700 miles from here in the northern large town where my daughters and my two little grandsons (ages 1 and 3) reside.  Siberian COLD WINTER COUNTRY and FLAT FLAT FLAT.  (I hate cold and I hate flat and I hate cities and even large towns.  I am a mountain girl.)  Yet……

I am very clear that with the changes that have happened through no choice of my own down here where I have lived for the past 14 years that if I stay here — I will die of loneliness.

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I honestly don’t feel like I know myself — coming or going.  I know that I am alive.  That much seems about as obvious as I can find right now.  I am in transition.  My life will be transforming with me in it.  I cannot guess at my future, really.  I cannot even accurately anticipate the life I am moving into.  None of that matters.  I am simply moving, and oh!  How many times have I moved in my life?

“In my life.”  I write those words as if I know what they mean.  I actually don’t.  Not really.  I just stay alive and life keeps on going with me in it.  LIFE keeps me alive.  Life.

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I read a spiritual quote last week whose words are imprinted in my thoughts.  I can paraphrase it like this:  The soul has two wings.  One wing is love and contentment.  The other wing is self and desire, and it is this wing that gets us into trouble.

Hum……

I have been doing a lot of thinking about this — because I don’t really know what those words mean to me.  “Love and contentment.”  Sounds wonderful!  This is why I am moving.  I want some of that — LOTS of that!

“Self and desire” gives me a lot more trouble.  Is it my SELF and my DESIRE that struggles with making peace with moving too close to the north pole?  That struggles with leaving mountains that I love for some of the flattest land on earth?  Is it “self and desire” that tells me in restless ways that “I want it all” even when I logically know that is not possible?  Self and desire, does this light the fire of my DISCONTENT?

Well, phooey on discontent!  I am way, WAY too good at feeling THAT!  I want to feel content.  That is my desire but evidently that is a healthy, productive, useful, spiritually advantageous desire!  I certainly know there is lots of love for me up north and lots of people for me to love up there, too!  That will win the day, of course. 

I am adjusting myself to changes coming coming COMING!  I am taking this slowly.  I am giving myself time to adjust, time to let go, time to say goodbye, time to grieve before it is time for me to leave here, this place that has been so good for me and to me for the longest period of stability in my 62 year lifetime.

I have lived in that northern town up there before.  I have friends there I’ve known for 25, 30, 40+ years.  I have family up there.  I have much to look forward to — yet also much to fear if I let myself go in that negative direction.  I will be leaving my home in this house and my big quiet yard filled with flowers and more flowers to live in a cramped little apartment (as I imagine the scenarios) cooped up like a wild caged animal during the dark frigid six month of winter.

“Stop, Linda!  Just STOP!  Go back to what you were doing before you started writing this post.”

“Live, Linda, live.  Live in the most positive way that you can!  Choose that.  Do that.  Live.”

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2 thoughts on “+WHEN LIFE IS LIFE

  1. I am excited for you that you will be near family so soon. How
    Great that you can do it – I thought that the wait would be very long.
    Wow! Its 6:45 am here, still dark and a bit chilly. Not quite what you
    Will experience but as I hover over the morning coffee I’m thinking of
    You. I know how important environment is – mine gives so much to me
    – when I look out of my window I see mostly sky and birds flying by – so
    Peaceful and beautiful. I do hope you can find some comfy surroundings.
    I’ve put up old calender pictures of trees and they sure help.

    I have often imagined visiting you! Ever since I was at school I’ve wanted to
    See the autumn in Canada/Alaska – our autumn isn’t very obvious. How lovely
    It must be.
    The wings of the soul: so we need both to flap in unison – no wonder its hard
    For most of us to get off the ground!
    I wonder if tea tree oil would work with the mini midges?
    X

    • Good morning! I have some tea tree oil and will try that today! I have 2 ladies from local farmers’ market coming in 1/2 an hour to take away nearly all of my house plants. They sell lots of plants, love them. I am keeping a few, but not the CROP – that will feel helpful to have the interior jungle gone!

      My family will not move here. They can no longer even come visit due to obligations of their own. I am fortunate to have a loving family – very fortunate. This move requires sacrifices and I cannot ignore that. I am working to open doors within to new blessings – and due to depression want to train myself not to drag heartbreaks of loss along with me.

      Nothing is more beautiful than the shining face of a one year old – and I hope to have him days so he no longer has to go to daycare. I haven’t spent my days with such an age child for 27 years when my youngest was that age! I hope to live in THEIR world – and find very positive HUMAN-based occupations for my time, heart and soul. A new segment of my life is beginning!!

      I am so happy to have you along for the adventure, Gingercat! Oh, and it is the northeast of the U.S. that has the glorious falls, though Ohio does – North Dakota and Minnesota (sister state to the east) has more color than here – definitely a change of seasons though up there fall, winter and spring all blend into 6 months of snow, dark and cold.

      Well, who knows!! sending peaceful love across the oceans to you today! xoxox

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