June 30, 2013.  Words.  A few words.  What is it about writing that holds hope for me that once I have put a collection of words together I will somehow feel better?  Which is to say that at the moment I don’t feel “better” at all!  Nope!  Life seems too complicated for me right now to give me any sense at all that everything is going to be the proverbial OK EVER let alone soon.

Did I bring “this” upon myself?  Yes, if I am accountable for being myself in the first place.  That I am in a state of unmet need and perplexity about possible options given my disabilities and very short financial resources deeply affects me – and what I can find to do about “this” seems so pitifully meager as to seem as NOTHING to me in these days.  These changing days.

I knew when I returned home from my Alaska-Seattle travels to see family at the beginning of this month that my needs are NOT being met here for meaningful relationships with people I love and who love me.  I have to leave here.  To go where?  When?  HOW can I move when I am living dollar to dollar with very few left at the end of each month?

I started dismantling my home anyway.  Growing stacks of boxes begin to surround my floorspace as I stack them along walls.  How can I know what I can keep if I know none of the above?  How can I find and keep a sense of magnanimous equilibrium in the midst of my growing sense of chaos?

I can handle chaos if it is constructive with a goal at the end of it, a goal in my mind.  Whatever goal I am working toward is nebulous.  I am scared.  I am sad. 

But I also know if all of my belongings have to end up in a storage locker then that’s what will have to happen because deep inside of myself I know I am not staying here.

I take baby steps each day the best that I can.  I am still involved in my cleanse as I have written about it recently although I took last Friday off to travel with friends the 90 miles to Tucson to visit a spiritual healer.  I am still stopped up from the antiD pills I had to take to get out my front door for the day.

Now THAT was a trip and a half!  All ended well post-driver getting lost and us ending up to our appointments late so that mine was cut short.  Which it didn’t have to be except that me being me gave the friend of my friend the first one knowing that I am too dang tough not to end up doing just fine if I (rather than her) was the one rushing pell-mell through such an important session.

Life being what life is with its twists and turns with surprises along the way, I made my right choice.  Courtesy and concern for others when I can show it helps me in deeper ways.  But the rushing through the information the healer, Christy, was sharing began the instant I walked into the room.  I knew it was not her descriptions of what needed to be healed for me that were of substance.  I needed and went there for the healing itself.

And the healing DID happen.  This woman has studied with traditional Native American healers for 30 years.  She is gifted in energy flows, in healing auras and chakras.  I have never given those much thought, and never have I studied them.  But I have known a number of women who, along with their friends, have gone through healing with this woman, Christy, and all have glowing reports. 

So I went with confidence. 

One important point Christy made clear to me is that healing itself as the body and soul respond takes time.  She did not use the analogy I recently used of “peaks and valleys.”  She referred to the image of a pendulum as she told me that in the days after this healing my inner pendulum of experience would swing first widely and then gradually settle down until the swings stop at center.  I am waiting for that day.  It is not here yet, and I suspect that much of what I feel today is part of the swinging effect.

I never realized that chakras can be damaged.  Well, evidently they can be, and certainly because I know of the severe trauma I have lived through it didn’t surprise me at all as Christy described to me what she “saw” and what she was going to heal.  I feel extremely fortunate to have found out about this woman and to have been taken by my very busy friend up to see her.  I am grateful for this healing.

Meanwhile I am living through the healing itself on so many levels that nothing about myself in my life feels “right” to me at this point in time.  Christy complimented me on how strong and healthy my “spirit chakra” is.  But living by faith and trust that there are higher powers that guide my life and make clear the way is not easy, either. 

I am doing more than transitioning.  I am transforming.  This is a difficult time for me.  I am not surprised.  I don’t LIKE this stage, but it is necessary.  I know that.  I am doing my part to make these levels of healing successful.  Along the way sometimes I simply MUST complain.  It is a part of my human process.


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