+GENTLE AS A NEWBORN

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In today’s fast-paced world of junk food and junk news it’s a welcome moment when gentleness makes its appearance.  It’s in the world.  It’s in plants.  It’s in animals.  And it’s in many humans and many creeks and many breezes.

Do we bring out the gentleness in other people?  What brings out the gentleness in me?

I feel much better today and even did my 45 minute walk with no trouble today.  Gone is the scary ugly feeling of the previous two days when I could hardly lift one foot to place it in front of the other one.  It’s been 5 1/2 years since my last chemotherapy treatment for advanced aggressive breast cancer, but I know THAT feeling!  That is exactly what I felt like these past two days, like I had been given chemo.

If it takes a diet of strained fresh organic vegetable juice and a temporary life in my bathroom to clean up the toxic dump that the inside of my body has become then I am willing.  I can pray all I want to God for healing but I know faith is a partnership.  It is my time to do my part no matter how new and strange and uncomfortable this journey may be.

I am determined, and fighting my way through the effects of infant and childhood abusive severe trauma has taught me that my determination is my formidable friend.

I am drinking fresh juiced aloe right now.  As I strained it I realized I could put the little bit of fiber left over on the skin of my face.  Such small new learnings!  As I came back later to wash my face with tepid water I realized what a gentle plant aloe is, what a gentle action I was taking for myself in making space in my life to let it and all the other wonderful foods I am learning to consume (even if only in strained juice right now until my system has healed enough I can handle any fiber) to help my body to heal itself.

This is an extremely grueling routine.  I won’t say that it isn’t, but I am no stranger – no stranger at all – to grueling.  I can do grueling.  If I could not I would have long since been dead.

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I am finding that I am for the first time in my entire life bonding with my body and becoming consciously attached to this physical system that keeps my soul in this world.  Being born to a psychotic Borderline Personality Disorder mother (as I mentioned in my previous post) left me being hated and abused from birth through the next 18 years. 

I am not complaining.  That has never been my style.  But I was born a newborn.  I was born gentle.  I did not come from the devil at his bidding as his child with the desire to murder my mother as I was being born — as she so permanently believed (and “punished” me for).

To FEEL the truth of my innocent gentleness is coming through taking the best possible care of this body that I can.  This is serious cleansing and I need it to continue my life.  I kid you not, there is a plastic drop cloth pathway across my carpet – and you can figure what that means.

I am — we all are — always in the presence of angels.  As I go through this process I can nearly feel them touching what is becoming new skin, the new skin of Linda.  Our body uses every possible avenue it can to get rid of the toxins in our body — and certainly the horrible toxins created in our bodies given to many of us through early abusive trauma have residues inside of us that I believe can be released through a healing cleanse.

I am losing weight as the toxins stored in fat cells are released, giving the fat cells no reason to continue to function in my body.  I feel lighter.  The world is beginning to look brighter.  I have a long ways to go but for myself – I am heading down a gentle road of healing.

(More info on my cleansing is in previous posts.)

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