+CHANGE CAN COME SUDDENLY

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June 13, 2013, Thursday.  I have been waiting since my return home from my travels on Tuesday afternoon to write a post until my thoughts cleared and organized themselves.  I might be waiting for quite some time for that to happen, so I will trust that somehow whatever I find myself writing here will make a kind of sense of its own. 

Most simply put, my life is going to change drastically in the upcoming weeks because I changed during my travels.  As my friend so clearly put it today, I have passed through “a spiritual portal.”  He is exactly correct.

Once a person has indeed passed through a life-changing event how possible is it to look backwards to track exactly when the changes took place?  I know the time duration of this portal travel was literally from when the airport shuttle picked me up at my house to take me the 90 miles to where my flight took off on Sunday morning, June 2nd to when it dropped me off when I arrived home.  I was one person at the start of this adventure and a different person when I returned — or so it certainly seems.

In between I was loved and was able to spend a short time with people in my family I love.  It has been too long since I have seen these people.  It has been too long since I have seen Alaska, land that I love as well.  When I arrived home in this hot dusty desert I knew that although I have been happy to call this high desert land home for the past 14 years — it is now time to leave it to travel and live in the northland again.

The first step of this move will land me in Fargo, ND first where my daughters and my preschooler grandsons live.  This place is flat with a Siberian winter — this is not a land that I love.  But there are people there I love very much and for a time, I am not sure for how long a time — at least for a year — I want to share my life with these people who are precious to me.

Then – perhaps – I will make the full circle to return to Eagle River, Alaska where I was raised until I left home in 1969 at age 18.

How will I move?  I do not know.  What will I take?  What will I leave behind?  How will I feel in the darkness of frigid northern winter?  I don’t know.

What I did become very clear about is that love is the most important experience of my lifetime.  I consider love to be a spiritual quality.  It became clear to me that even though I have had a respite – a very nice one – from the north these past 14 years, even climate and yes, even geography is of this material world.  I wish to put the spiritual value of love first — and if that means a sacrifice of some physical comforts – so be it.

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I have had enough times of being homeless in my life to know I HATE that state of survival.  It will take some particular care and planning to orchestrate this move north given the limitations of my financial affairs.  I look around me now and in this home I see there is nothing but a few changes of clothing that I need to take with me.  Anything else – like taking my tools with me especially, will be a luxury.

I did not in any way anticipate having myself change in these few days of being gone from here.  I will feel a loss leaving friends here, leaving my garden, but my mind is made up.  I am moving.

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As far as the book writing process seems to be going – or more accurately, not going – I am done with it for now.  Once I arrive north and can spend time with the grandbabies my daughter will have time freed up to complete the editing of the 10 waiting manuscripts.  She has been hard at work on the edit of the first book while I have been traveling.  I thank her with all my heart, but I still cannot go back and read a single word of what has been written.

Neither can I write a word forward right now.  If I was reading along in a book I would say it was like I turned a page and the next one was entirely blank.  Not a word on it.

I have reached that point in my writing.  I have not a single word to say next for those books.

I am too aware of suffering.  I need some balance of love, peace and laughter.  I need loved ones to play with.  I need to experience my grandsons’ coming into this world, and I need to experience being with them as they take their steps into their new and exciting future.

Meanwhile I need to find boxes.  I need to fill a few.  I need to find homes for many objects around me that will not be traveling forward into the next stages of my life with me.  I hope good tenants can be found to respect this house, to enjoy life here, to care for the gardens – and hopefully even for my hens and my two cats.

In the meantime I am studying the book titled “The pH Miracle” by Robert Young (HIGHLY RECOMMENDED).  I am changing my diet.  I am also studying my first book on yoga as it is concerned with breath – and I am preparing to successfully quit smoking cigarettes.  It hit me on my travels that if I am going to work hard to improve my physical health to prevent cancer from returning and to help my crumbling bones and to inspire my breath in better ways, I need a future that does not leave me aching with all my heart in loneliness.

I have other homes.  I am going to take actions to enjoy them.  All this is happening before my 62nd birthday this coming August 31st.  There are so many things I cannot change in this crazy world.  But then again, there are also many that I CAN work to change.  It is to those that I currently look.

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4 thoughts on “+CHANGE CAN COME SUDDENLY

  1. Just the thought of moving gets me so on edge. Its like our external environment is like another skin
    And as soon as that is going to change/ is different all hair is on end! I feel for you in the heat too. And
    With a lot on your mind – but it sounds like its going to take a lot of time and planning to get you to where
    You are going. One step at a time as they say, one thought at a time. You won’t have tosay goodbye all
    At once. I am on edge because I don’t know what job is in my future so I’m applying and hoping I don’t have
    To leave my city. Any change is terrifying some days. Gosh you have had so much to deal with.

    Have you ever tried playing natural sounds continuously in the background? I’ve recently got free mp3 downloads
    Off the internet – some of gentle rain falling, some ocean waves. Very soothing, especially rain. They are about 10
    Minutes long and it could drown out your cooler. There’s also the isochronic beats which are more musical.

    Xxxxx

    • Oh the job hunting process is also downright WICKED – on us and on everyone, I imagine! I pray you will find exactly what you need and want!!!!!

      Oh, this moving is AWFUL — if I let it — and it will take all I have not to let it! This is MY choice, I remind myself – even though there are some very tough reasons why this seems necessary.

      I told my dear friend today – and together we will be sad – but nothing can change as his health greatly deteriorates. Love, sometimes…… It comes with hard bumps along the way….

      I have found some boxes to pack in – and even that is hard with recycling making them disappear. I hope for the right tenant to live here when I am gone – oh I hope! I am going to try to find that person (persons) – this is such a sweet house, location, and the gardens!!!!!

      Yeah, it’s a lot to process and step by step is IT!

      I hope you enjoy the Alaska pictures! They take my breath away, and often as I was face to face, soul to soul with all that beauty all I could do was simply cry!!!! xoxox

  2. I have been thinking of you – kept picturing you on a storm tossed boat but with
    Times of excitement and calm in between. I am glad you are listening to your heart
    And are preparing for a new leg of your long journey. Life is do-able with people we care
    About around us. Otherwise it is so lonely and trauma bodies need all the support they
    Can get. I’m intrigued by your dietry changes. I’ve given up bread and am careful of what
    I eat or I feel not so good. I think you are going with what you can do/ not do regarding the
    Book. Good, it sounded like something you had to do, not quite a purging because one doesn’t
    Arrive at the purged state after that lifestory telling. But what a trip you have taken. After I
    Read your last post I thought – wow, no wonder you through yourself into the book – losing access
    To your a significant person is hard.

    Please just keep us posted on your life journey!

    I spoke to my little nephews aged 5 and 3 – and it is such a good thing to get to have contact – I also
    Live far from them unfortunately.

    Well, lots of love and good to hear from you again.. I would love to see photos of Alaska, I’ve always wanted
    To go there!
    Xxxr

    • Hi! So good to hear from you — whatever is going on with me is terrifying! I think about myself as a trauma altered person, compare to life of those who are not – or not nearly so badly — today it feels like I have emotional and mental blind spots – big holes in my coping skills, in the information I get from self and from others to work with…..

      I have done some hard things in my life, but this move will be right up there with the hardest. Yet I cannot stay here. Perhaps like being cornered in a burning house – temporarily not on fire but soon to be – knowing the run through the flames will be torture but without doing that there will be no escape, no continued survival.

      Fortunately, of course, the fire is metaphorical for me. It took me over 6 hours to get to sleep last night – not a fun time but onward I go.

      I have pictures in my camera and will attempt to get them online today – if I can keep myself moving in an orderly, organized, oriented fashion! I feel like I am fraying apart at my center, at my seams, at my edges.

      The temperatures are hovering around the 100s here and will do so for the rest of this month and into July – always difficult but at least I am blessed with a evaporative cooler – just very noisy and I am so sensitive to sounds! xoxo

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