June 13, 2013, Thursday. I have been waiting since my return home from my travels on Tuesday afternoon to write a post until my thoughts cleared and organized themselves. I might be waiting for quite some time for that to happen, so I will trust that somehow whatever I find myself writing here will make a kind of sense of its own.
Most simply put, my life is going to change drastically in the upcoming weeks because I changed during my travels. As my friend so clearly put it today, I have passed through “a spiritual portal.” He is exactly correct.
Once a person has indeed passed through a life-changing event how possible is it to look backwards to track exactly when the changes took place? I know the time duration of this portal travel was literally from when the airport shuttle picked me up at my house to take me the 90 miles to where my flight took off on Sunday morning, June 2nd to when it dropped me off when I arrived home. I was one person at the start of this adventure and a different person when I returned — or so it certainly seems.
In between I was loved and was able to spend a short time with people in my family I love. It has been too long since I have seen these people. It has been too long since I have seen Alaska, land that I love as well. When I arrived home in this hot dusty desert I knew that although I have been happy to call this high desert land home for the past 14 years — it is now time to leave it to travel and live in the northland again.
The first step of this move will land me in Fargo, ND first where my daughters and my preschooler grandsons live. This place is flat with a Siberian winter — this is not a land that I love. But there are people there I love very much and for a time, I am not sure for how long a time — at least for a year — I want to share my life with these people who are precious to me.
Then – perhaps – I will make the full circle to return to Eagle River, Alaska where I was raised until I left home in 1969 at age 18.
How will I move? I do not know. What will I take? What will I leave behind? How will I feel in the darkness of frigid northern winter? I don’t know.
What I did become very clear about is that love is the most important experience of my lifetime. I consider love to be a spiritual quality. It became clear to me that even though I have had a respite – a very nice one – from the north these past 14 years, even climate and yes, even geography is of this material world. I wish to put the spiritual value of love first — and if that means a sacrifice of some physical comforts – so be it.
I have had enough times of being homeless in my life to know I HATE that state of survival. It will take some particular care and planning to orchestrate this move north given the limitations of my financial affairs. I look around me now and in this home I see there is nothing but a few changes of clothing that I need to take with me. Anything else – like taking my tools with me especially, will be a luxury.
I did not in any way anticipate having myself change in these few days of being gone from here. I will feel a loss leaving friends here, leaving my garden, but my mind is made up. I am moving.
As far as the book writing process seems to be going – or more accurately, not going – I am done with it for now. Once I arrive north and can spend time with the grandbabies my daughter will have time freed up to complete the editing of the 10 waiting manuscripts. She has been hard at work on the edit of the first book while I have been traveling. I thank her with all my heart, but I still cannot go back and read a single word of what has been written.
Neither can I write a word forward right now. If I was reading along in a book I would say it was like I turned a page and the next one was entirely blank. Not a word on it.
I have reached that point in my writing. I have not a single word to say next for those books.
I am too aware of suffering. I need some balance of love, peace and laughter. I need loved ones to play with. I need to experience my grandsons’ coming into this world, and I need to experience being with them as they take their steps into their new and exciting future.
Meanwhile I need to find boxes. I need to fill a few. I need to find homes for many objects around me that will not be traveling forward into the next stages of my life with me. I hope good tenants can be found to respect this house, to enjoy life here, to care for the gardens – and hopefully even for my hens and my two cats.
In the meantime I am studying the book titled “The pH Miracle” by Robert Young (HIGHLY RECOMMENDED). I am changing my diet. I am also studying my first book on yoga as it is concerned with breath – and I am preparing to successfully quit smoking cigarettes. It hit me on my travels that if I am going to work hard to improve my physical health to prevent cancer from returning and to help my crumbling bones and to inspire my breath in better ways, I need a future that does not leave me aching with all my heart in loneliness.
I have other homes. I am going to take actions to enjoy them. All this is happening before my 62nd birthday this coming August 31st. There are so many things I cannot change in this crazy world. But then again, there are also many that I CAN work to change. It is to those that I currently look.
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