Alas, I cannot bring myself to face my mother’s voice in her letters at this point in time. I reached chapter 43 of this 10th book in this abuse saga and found these were the next of Mother’s words that appeared. I can barely bring myself to read them, let alone to think about them and form my comments about what this abusive woman was saying about me shortly after my 6th birthday as I tackled my first grade experience:
January 16, 1958 Thursday – the first part of this letter was missing
Linda’s teacher says she does excellent school work and is especially good in reading! BUT is still wild and rough and talks too loud!! Remember how she would run around so silly in the back yard while the others would settle down? And she has a very bold streak. Well – we’re trying desperately! She has snow pants and has worn them over cute clothes – no pants – and so do the other girls – for ages now. It’s ‘her personality’ when with other children. She’s good, quiet and reserved when alone or with me or adults but unless closely supervised and reminded continually is loud with other children. I know it isn’t intentional but just her! I hope she’ll grow out of it. She’s emotionally immature but smart. Golly, Sharon 4 years younger plays and acts bigger than Linda did at 5! I know our children so well. Heavens knows I’ve been with them every minute since birth! I’m just telling you this but not asking for letters of advice! Just thought you’d be interested. [Here in Alaska Mildred could completely control what my grandmother knew about me.]
Cindy too is real good with Sharon and they play very well together BUT I notice she gets loud when other children come.
I think our children haven’t been with others enough BUT I feel it will work out!! When they realize results and that it isn’t approved of. Like John – he had same difficulty (not as much as Linda) but I feel this year he has really grown up. Less and less clownishness and tries so hard to be big!
Remember before John’s play Joe Anne Vanover told me John was not well liked by boys in class. I told her if he wasn’t then it was her boys fault for saying things. They turned into terrible teases etc. and at bus stop when school began and I had to speak to them and they were resentful. I told her it is hard for John to move from school to school etc. I didn’t lose my temper but told her plenty.
I do want to be friendly and get along here but still will not be pushed around.
I don’t have the energy to write about Reactive Attachment Disorder children — which I was. I don’t have the energy to tie what I could say about Mother’s words into what I have described in the 42 chapters of this book prior that have been presented prior to this letter. Mother had taken every effort to bias my teacher against me. All of my life I have carried the warmest, most positive memories about my first grade teacher and my experiences in that classroom where I thought I was safe. When I first read Mother’s letters my bubble burst — and I felt such a loss!
Never mind that all now. I will be traveling for the first week and a half of June and for now I let the sleeping beast lie silently in Mother’s letters and in my own heart. Meanwhile, it is the cover art work being created for the first book, Story Without Words, that captivates my attention right now.
I spent 12-14 hours these past two days creating the floor for this image.
Having created a grid first I then Mod Podged various shades of blue and aqua to half of the squares….
I then glued silver paper from a gift bag that fascinated me to create a kind of cloud tile pattern surrounded by the blues….
I find myself thinking about how computer technology has in many ways taken the hands-on process of making images out of the process. This part of the cover image left glue on my fingertips that only time will now remove….
Of course most detail of the image will vanish with its final photographing and sizing for the cover….
And of course when I am done moving the pieces around and adjusting positions and adding more parts to the image, all will need to be leveled, straightened and attached into final position.
Right now from outside edges of pillars the horizontal width of the image is around 30″. To finish this for final ebook cover ratio the height will need to be 48″ tall. The next stages of creation will involve adding this height along with book title and my name.
I find myself thinking that no matter what words I try to use to present this Story Without Words there can never be enough space for enough words to really tell it. The story formed over generations as the abuser in this picture and the child represents both me and Mother and Mother as a child being abused by her mother.
The effects of severe early abuse, neglect and trauma last a lifetime and impact everything about how we life our entire lifetime. It takes massive efforts to try to recognize how patterns of early trauma appear in our interactions with other people and with situations we live through all through our childhood and through our adulthood. The best I can do is try to trace the general outlines in word and image of what early abuse feels like to its prey.
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