The rest of the sentence? Don’t call me easy-going!
There are places in my mother’s letters during the years of my young childhood where she wrote to her mother that I was “easy-going.” Nope! I was beaten and beaten down by abuse and lived in a world reined in by intolerable sadness – except for the inner sanctum of my self held so near to me in my heart – because I had never had a chance to get out!
What options did I have but to not resist? I did what I had to survive – and showing NOTHING of myself as a person to Mother was a big part of what my survival demanded of me.
I am not easy-going now. “Self soothing” is something I work to accomplish, and when events loom within and without that make demands on my resources, I do not respond to them in an easy-going way. I am an INTENSE person.
I remember when I was in art therapy graduate school a classmate noted that “intense” is being “in tense.” She meant IN THE PRESENT TENSE – in the moment – deeply engaged in experiencing my life.
Well, on Sunday morning I will be participating in a wonderfully generous gift from my youngest (baby!) brother. I am leaving Arizona to spend five days with him where he lives in Alaska. This will probably include three days with him on his 60′ yacht-trawler somewhere in Alaska waters.
Yet traveling is anxiety producing to me. I am working toward preparing myself in every way to actually ENJOY myself! I will be stopping in Seattle for a few days to visit family there before I return home on the 11th of June.
I have a friend who loves to come stay in my home when I am gone to keep an eye on things and to relax in this quiet little neighborhood.
I am very fortunate and grateful! Away from the seriousness of my writing work I hope to reacquaint myself with a quieter side of me. I am thrilled to spend some time with my brother and family. “Bon Voyage!” I hope my going (and coming home again) is easy!!
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