+THE TRUTH IS — I AM DISCOURAGED

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Today marks my 5th day without working on my book writing.  I am feeling very discouraged.  Why bother?  Why would my work possibly matter?  To whom?  My circle of supporters is very small, it seems.  Everyone is very busy and highly stressed in their own lives.  This is lonely work.  Will I feel better tomorrow?

My abusive mother’s longest “friend” called me tonight and talked for over an hour.  She is reading Mother’s letters.  Joe Anne is concerned about the really nasty things Mildred wrote about other people who Joe Anne knew — and says to me, “They don’t deserve to have their names connected with the things your mother said about them — most of it completely untrue.”

I feel angry, not at Joe Anne, but at the unfairness of child abuse!  Who among any of those adults who knew my mother ever bothered to care what was happening to that woman’s children?  Why in God’s name (sorry God) should I need to be concerned with anyone else back then — most of them dead — when none of them cared one flying TWIT about the torture that woman did to me for 18 long years?

Joe Anne tells me that because Mother is dead, and because those books will go out with my name on them, that I am the one who is accountable for Mother’s words.  Do I want to hurt people?  Do I want to hurt the children of the people Mother berated and gossiped about?  No, I don’t like to hurt people.  That is not my nature.

Something about this whole mess is really upsetting to me!!!  I am not sure I needed to hear from Joe Anne today, not when I was already feeling discouraged.

Joe Anne thinks everyone should be turned from a name to initials.  What a HUGE job that is going to be!!!  This is an important part of “the back story” about the back side of a severely mentally ill psychotically abusive woman!  Mildred wanted to control what everyone thought of her.  She’s dead.  I have her letters.  I am going to publish them, and then I am going to write a rebuttal in my own words about what my experience was being her targeted for hatred and abuse daughter.

Change everyone else’s names — in case — what?  Mildred did not write of her abuse of me.  That is all hidden.  It was always hidden.  At least it was able to remain hidden because nobody cared enough to notice what was going on in our home.

I have to ask myself, “What do I care about?”  I ask myself whether I would do the amount of work I have done — and the work, the LOTS of work that still needs to be done, if I could ONLY help spare ONE CHILD the kind of suffering I went through.  Is ONE child’s life worth my efforts?  That one child — who will suffer for the rest of their life from the lifelong effects of psychotic abuse from a mother such as mine was if the same everybodys ignore what they see the way they ignored what happened to me.

Is there anything I can say that can help disclose the mental illness in some other abusive mother?

Does anyone CARE?

Does anyone care what a psychotic abusive Borderline Personality Disorder mother can LOOK LIKE to outsiders who are the only hope a child being abused by such a mother has?  What about fathers?  My father did nothing.  Is there anything in this story that might help even ONE FATHER wake up and take action to protect his children from such a woman?

Is there something wrong with me that I do this work?  Why am I not perfectly content to rest within some trivial life doing absolutely nothing to try to help anyone else?

Every day I think about the person I could have been had I not gone through what I did so that now at 61 my body is worn out from the effects of that horrendous traumatic distress.  Along with all the rest of the consequences of having been so abused.  I write and write and write on this blog about the kind of physiological lifelong damage infant and child abuse does to its survivors.  Who cares?

I better go out to the mental/emotional pastures and find my writing steed.  I better mount and ride again — or?

Do I have hopes where I should have none?  Where am I ever going to find someone with the time and expertise to do the editing work on these books that needs to be done?  Is what I am trying to do absolutely and profoundly IMPOSSIBLE? 

How stupid is it to attempt the impossible?  As did any one of us who survived through childhoods in hell that were unsurvivable — we DID do the impossible!  I did the impossible.  Maybe this job I have set myself to do is no different that what I did in the first place:  survive mother, survive my infancy and childhood.  But how tough am I still?  Tough enough?

Tonight I really don’t know.

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3 thoughts on “+THE TRUTH IS — I AM DISCOURAGED

  1. Short and sweet…I don’t know who should get credit for the quote but…”If people wanted you to write warmly about them, they should’ve behaved better.”…Keep going if it’s in your heart to do so…xoxo

  2. Dear Linda,

    Maybe I’m missing something here – but I can’t quite grasp what Joe Anne’s concerns are, about ‘people getting hurt’ by what you’ve revealed in your writing.

    True, some of them – assuming they ever bother to read your books – might be disturbed by what you bring to light…particularly if they’re disturbed to find out at this late date what was going on way back when.

    But I’m having a hard time understanding how that would be YOUR problem. Or how you would be in any way bringing hurt or pain to those people. Your story is about your being abused, and it that ‘upsets’ people, TOO BAD.

    It’s hard to imagine how anything your mother may have said in those old, old letters has the power to harm anyone now – especially when the whole point of your story is how hard Mildred worked to deceive everyone about her abuse!

    All due respect to Joe Anne – this is YOUR story, to be told the way YOU want to tell it! I wouldn’t succumb to pressure to change names, come up with initials, etc. That’s BS. Not. Your Concern.

    In case you can’t tell, my dander is up about this. Your story – your work – is damned important, IMHO. I’m committed to supporting you in this project, for as far as you want to take it…including the possibility that you could decide you’ve done enough.

    My concern is for YOUR well-being – and you have nothing to prove to me, or anyone else, about your quality as a human being. You’ve already contributed greatly to my life and work. And no doubt to others as well…

    Wishing you peace and freedom from self-doubt…

    Love, Sandy

    • Oh thank you, Sandy. When I listen to Joe Anne it’s like being caught in a kind of time warp! I end up feeling “disorganized-disoriented” in my own thoughts, feelings, perceptions. I need to listen to you and to others who support me! Joe Anne has not read my writings. She is reading Mildred’s. It amazes me that she pursues that reading. It cannot be easy for her to face what must be an inevitable conflict as she discovers NOW all these many years later what she missed back then.

      I have to be willing to let her go through her own process and come to her own conclusions. Things are fitting together in her mind about this woman she befriended (the only person that did) for 46 years in new ways. I listen to her — and I lose my own perspective. This is a very strange process.

      I do not want to give up. But I am the only person who can believe enough in the usefullness of this book writing enough that I will continue to completion. It is important to me — so, yes, it is self-doubt that is most destructive to me.

      You wrote: “It’s hard to imagine how anything your mother may have said in those old, old letters has the power to harm anyone now – especially when the whole point of your story is how hard Mildred worked to deceive everyone about her abuse!”

      I don’t understand this, either. I just spoke to one of my sisters who is as amazed as I am at Joe Anne’s reports about how socially incompetent Mildred was in public. We have believed all of our life that the side Mildred showed to others was persuasively charming. Such was NOT the case. Joe Anne says she made trouble wherever she went.

      When it comes to my efforts to contribute a body of work that could help the public be able to detect from outside of the family that there is great danger to children in the home and great harm being done behind closed doors, it is an ability I want to gracefully find to include a portrayal of the public Mildred that might help in this direction. Joe Anne reports that Mildred acted like a troubled junior high girl in ALL her interactions in public.

      Alas, I don’t have the answers — yet — as to how to proceed. At the moment as of this 6th day of leave from the book writing I know I have that door quite firmly shut. While as you say I have already worked long and hard in my writing — I personally look for encouragement from others to not give up!!! It is MY OWN STORY that I am tackling now. The 9 book manuscripts currently completed all provide background work for this current effort. I thank you with all my heart for your ongoing support of my work!!!

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