+CHAPTER 7, BOOK 2 OF “THE DARK SIDE OF MILDRED’S MOUNTAIN” (‘Angel’)

The Dark Side of Mildred’s Mountain series – Angel book 2 beginning with the POP!  Goes Alaska letters – chapter 7

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7.  A Cautionary Tale

March 21, 2013.  I have been posting chapters to this book on my Stop the Storm blog even though the book has not yet gone through its editing stages.  A reader named Jane responded back to me this morning in reaction to the preceding chapters:

Even to your mother I feel a kind of loyalty when reading her first letters.  She is no longer there to explain every word you criticize and explain in your own words on your own terms.  She has no way to defend herself or give a different perspective in how to understand her.  I do not know whether she ever had an official diagnosis.

To address the last sentence first:  Mother’s mental illness was never recognized or identified, which has absolutely nothing to do with whether she was mentally ill or not.  In fact, the psychiatric diagnostic category for Borderline Personality Disorder did not even come into existence until 1980, eleven years after I escaped my abusive home.  While I have no desire to attack my mother as a person, I do fully intend to expose the characteristics of her severe mental illness in any way that I can.  Because hers was an illness of her MIND, it is examination of her words in her writings that can show aspects of how her ill mind operated.  (These concerns have been addressed in books published prior to this one.)

I have what I refer to as great “informed compassion” for our very sick mother.  I am fully aware that she suffered until her last breath from the devastating, tragic effects of this disorder.  I am writing as a survivor of her having done such things to me as nearly beating me unconscious when I was 22 months old, of her brutally ramming my head repeatedly into the porcelain of a toilet bowl as she nearly drowned me when I was four – because she had psychotically evaluated that I was trying to murder my sister, and of her forcing me spend a night sitting outside in the driver’s seat of the family car with my head bent over under the steering wheel (I was 5’8” tall) and locking me into a shed for four days when I was in my teens.

I know what this woman was capable of and what she did to me because of her illness.  It is time for ME to tell what I understand about this woman and about her illness.  Out of respect for Mother, knowing that she was prevented by her illness from publishing her own writings as she deeply desired to do, I have published the entire body of her writings intact in the seven volume series, Mildred’s Mountain.  Readers wishing to read Mildred’s words without my commentary can share her own version of her life freely within those books.  I assure you, however, that her own writings do not contain anything like the truth about how she was who she was as a severely mentally ill person in her lifetime.

There will no doubt be readers who take offense to my writings.  I do not care.  It is not my job to do so.  I am not responsible for anyone’s reactions to the truth I expose.  Your feelings are your own.  Women such as Mildred was can be extremely dangerous mothers, and certainly NOBODY ever came to my defense or to the defense of my siblings.  At this point, ten years after Mildred’s death I am breaking a killer silence – and for a very good reason.

Readers who are uncomfortable with my take on Mother can simply stop reading.  However, it might be helpful for those readers to examine what it is they are taking offense to and why.  Anyone who suffers from Borderline Personality Disorder, especially if there is a psychotic component to their illness, will very likely struggle with my writings because their own minds cannot process the breadth of information I present.  They are not likely going to be able to discern the intent of my work, either. 

Anyone who has suffered from abuse from a parent with this illness and who feels overwhelmed or who remains in denial might struggle greatly to read my proclamations, as well.  People who have allowed infant and child abuse to be committed by such a parent without stopping it immediately might also not be able to read any further.  I understand this process and of course respect these realities but they have nothing to do with me. 

These books do contain trauma triggering topics.  It is every reader’s responsibility to do whatever is needed to take care of self, including stopping reading and/or talking to a counselor or therapist when necessary.

I will also mention briefly here something I address at other places in my writings.  While I do not believe that people are themselves evil they are certainly capable of performing evil actions.  It is not my place to judge Mildred.  Judgment is God’s.  Justice is another matter, and it is not justice to allow terrible things to be done to infants and children while everyone turns a blind eye. 

Sicknesses of the body including the brain, I believe, can greatly interfere with a soul’s ability to exercise full powers of conscious choice over actions, thus preventing a soul from manifesting itself fully in a person’s life.  To ignore this condition is to participate in shared delusion and shared responsibility when great crimes have been and are being committed against other people – especially against infants and children.  Readers of my writings will choose their side.

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2 thoughts on “+CHAPTER 7, BOOK 2 OF “THE DARK SIDE OF MILDRED’S MOUNTAIN” (‘Angel’)

  1. It is hard to find the right words, when discussing these kind of subjects. One is they come very close, another is that this current world has not left room to practice. The world forces people with these kind of issues into silence and total surrendering adaptation.
    In no way have i taken offense. In fact i welcome you writing events that happened to you in clear and no uncertain terms. It makes it easier for me to read and to be empathic with you. Never have i doubted, when you wrote you were severely abused by your mother, that it was so. And i believe it your right to write about it in any way or form you choose. That said, i also believe Mildred had her story and most likely suffered immensely. No defending her or her actions. It is I myself who gets into trouble at this moment in time. Suffering from RAD, complex ptsd, dissociation has been hard on me and on my children. Coming to grips, they do not have it in them, to support me in any way or form, yet use the words, that they love me, has been impossible for my brain to digest. Having to accept as a mother, with love and compassion, it may indeed be better for them, not to have me in their lives, can be a spiritual truth, but is also again devastating in its repetition of ongoing abandonement from the moment of conception. I have seen both my parents in situations of uncontrollable rage. I learned to have compassion with them, when life forced me to have similar experiences myself. But also blessed me with having been born in a time, where there is so much more knowledge and therapeutic methods available to acknowledge who one is. In no way could either of my parents ever talk about what happened.
    Venturing out in the world, it seemed a good idea at the time, brought me in contact with a very weird thing indeed. An women empowering group, to activate women to become active again in society, take a next step, saw it fitting, to adopt a therapeutic way of asking participants questions. Overstepping every boundary imaginable, leaving none.
    My brains lost it again. I literally felt the misfiring of neurons. Alzheimer like symptoms creeping up on me again. And i had to admit, that to follow your blog, is too much for me. I cannot begin at the beginning of the blogs, to get the story clear. The way you write is your right to write. Only in my brain it is reflected as if my own children think and feel like you. And the result is it leaves nothing of me. All that i tried to build has become without value, for i have not yet succeeded in overcoming my many trauma’s, or live in a healthy functional way, regardless. I have not managed to build stable new neural networks. And i have not yet succeeded in becoming a functional healthy parent of aduld children and grandmother of grandchildren. The term Borderline literally scares me to death, for the power the mental health industry has abused over people they stigmatized and medicated, after giving that label. Professionals without any real knowledge about early childhoodtrauma or RAD. Professionals who often have, had no clue how damaging they were to patients families, and patients themselves.
    I would hope Mildred owned up to her abusing you. Yet knowing my own mother and father, i know some parents never do. Mine never did. My mother kept guilttripping me, as if it was all my fault, i had the genes of my father, so i was crazy.
    So take no offense, where none was intended.

    That said, for me your writing improved by it. The vague descriptions my brain could not get, but your descriptions in this blog touch my heart.
    I hope you find your way through all of it. I think it is a blessing to have all these words written down by your mother left to you. Having no story, but some sentences, leaves many questions unanswered.
    I have to get back to basics. Sheltered in a makebelieve womb, building my resources, that have all come crashing down, again, as to have some form of stability, that will enable me to search for healing and that will keep me on my toes as a witness to the abuse most government inflict on their own people, as well as people from other countries, religions etc.
    Right now i am struggling to get my brain in gear again.

    Wishing you well

    • You have had a very difficult life – too difficult for many to bear, and it sounds to me like you have a great strength and great dignity.

      This book I am working on is #10 — so it cannot be simple to step into where I am now — The book Story Without Words describes Mother’s early years —

      No, she could never understand she ever hurt anyone – that was part of her illness

      so, I certainly do understand why you would not wish to read these chapters as they come up — for now I am not likely to be posting much else — because I won’t be writing much else. I cannot lose my voice – I am only now finding it

      thank you for your observations. I appreciate your insights very much.

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