What does a silent invisible word say? What does it mean? What does a silent invisible child do? What does it say? Where does invisibility and silence live?
What is the connection between pathological shame and the extremes of hiding behavior that even healthy shame generates in humans? I know of an expert in the crowd who can wisely address the answer to this question – though his words are silently invisible-invisibly silent at the moment. I am left with this keyboard and my computer screen all by myself.
If I had the choice right now to ‘make it real’ I would choose to have absolute and complete amnesia about every childhood trauma that happened to me. Of course for this action to be effective all the development of my body would have to be changed, as well, so that the effects early trauma had on my development would never have happened either.
Except that is exactly what my mother’s psychotic BPD did for her. As far as she knew – all troubles possible just vanished into her lower world mental hell along with real me.
Except that I was not really real.
So even now as I try to write for book publication my words do not want to stick where I put them. My words belong in invisible silence. That is their nature. So if I don’t leave them alone – as I have now sent them to my daughter for her editing of them – on my own I would dismantle my entire manuscript as I let my words do what they wish to do: disappear.
Me, an invisible writer telling an invisible story with invisible words. Nobody hears or sees a thing. Eighteen years of that. My body-self and much of its corresponding brain-mind cannot escape the effects of that reality that did not simply disappear for me when I left home at 18. Nope.
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