Because of my mother’s particular kind of mental illness, I did not exist as a person separate from her. How did I be a person anyway – in spite of her? It wasn’t like she let me develop into a part-self – so she could take that part-self away from me. She never saw ME as a person at all, a fact that might have been my greatest protection from her and from what she did to me.
She never saw ME – so she could not touch ME. There was no protection for the body that was me, but the ME that lived within that body was invisible to her because of the very psychotic delusions that prevented her from being able to know I WAS NOT SHE!!
Mildred saw things that did not actually exist when she ‘considered’ anything that had to do with me. She saw things that never happened – beat me for things that never happened – for things I never did.
As I tried to fight my way to writing about my childhood with Mildred yesterday (I was trying to work with this ‘crime’: *Age 4 – THE BEDSPREAD) I thought about one particular statement from the 43 BPD characteristics mentioned here:
(43) — Accuse others of doing things they did not do, having feelings they do not feel, or believing things they do not believe?
Well – DUH Linda! Start at the beginning!
The devil did not send me to kill her while I was being born. I was not the devil’s child.
Well – my life went down hill from there!!
Yesterday I tried to get busy writing some of my ‘crime report’ ‘stories’ to include at the start of “The Demise of Mildred” series. I got nowhere. When I look at what happened to me I see HER reality. Of course I suffered from what Mother did to me – but what matters to me is that inside my own MIND I knew – always – what I had done – what had happened – and nothing the monster could do to me could or did change my reality.
I was hence always doubly beaten and ‘punished’ because to her – I lied. I would never apologize to her for something I knew I had not done. I would not admit to something I knew I had not done. (There is proof in my baby book within my very first spoken sentences as Mildred recorded them that these patterns had been going on before I was old enough to talk.)
There are huge cracks in my memories between what I now see as Mildred’s delusional reality in which (I now realize) she really DID see happen what she accused me of – and my own reality. While we were literally both in the same physical world – we were not in the same universe, not the same reality.
Because Mildred’s psychotic break regarding me happened as she was giving birth to me I was born into this split world — HERS and MINE.
I paid a great great price for living in my own world. For some reason I do not comprehend I could not (like I can’t flap my arms and fly) compromise my own self (integrity) I had evidently been born with. I could not admit that her version of reality is what had actually happened – because I had my own version.
It was not my fault these two realities did not match. I realized yesterday that it could not have possibly mattered to me if she had beaten me to death. I had nothing to lose. Not that I knew of.
But looking back my life WAS my own MIND. My intact mind that knew what happened in the world I lived in. Was I defying her? No. That was never my intention. All I knew how to do was to be true to my own self from BIRTH – at way, way, way too young of an age to have ever been ready to face and to cope with such conflicts.
I could not compromise myself. It was not in me to do so – not even to consider doing so. I did not ever agree with Mother’s delusional version of reality as she accused me of doing things I didn’t do – because I COULD NOT.
Somehow this fact is very important to me. How this is translating into my thinking today is that these patterns of horrific abuse tied to being ‘punished’ for things that had not happened, things I did not do – led to my lack of developing what I suppose others do: An Ego.
What do other people do with an ego? What is an ego good for? What am I missing if I didn’t develop an ego?
I don’t waste time in pondering what loss or benefit not having an ego gives me. I only care at this moment about one thing!
If this is true – that I don’t have an ego – it explains to me why I cannot go backwards in time (as it seems to me) to reread, rewrite or in any way edit anything I have written in the past.
It seems to me that I would have to have an ego to do this with – that it would be my ego that would stand face to face with the me that does my writing in the first place.
No ego = no editor. No self-editor. No ego to give a dang about what I have thought or said or expressed in the past – because I don’t have an ego to be invested WITH or IN my past self.
I am reminded of one of my favorite books within which for the first time I saw my own reality, my own worldview, reflected back at me:
Eskimo Realities by Edmund Snow Carpenter, Eberhard Otto, Fritz Spiess and Jorgen Meldgaard (1973)
Carpenter describes the language and worldview of an arctic people just before ‘white’ contact changed their reality. He describes how prior to the dollar culture moving in, artists carved the most exquisite forms out of ivory – and when the group moved on these pieces were left along the side of the ‘road’ as if they had no value as objects whatsoever.
They had no “I” in their culture prior to white contact, no investment whatsoever in what ‘western’ culture so fondly calls an ego.
I leave my writings behind me in the same way.
I would say, “So what?” But if I at the same time feel that any collection of my thoughts is to be published in book form, I struggle with the conflict of lacking the capacity to work with my own words. I can write things in the moment. I can add word after word.
But just as I survived the unbelievable hell of my childhood being continually attacked by a psychotic, delusional MAD WOMAN – because I had the capacity to (1) know my own reality, (2) never lose my own reality and, (3) never compromise my own reality – I seem unable to do anything any differently now: I moved forward in time THEN. I move forward in time NOW.
Is it an EGO that lets people connect their past to their present to their future in ways that I don’t think I can? If I want to complete books I better figure this out for myself. I do not call this ‘healing’. I can’t ‘heal’ the fact that circumstances of my childhood in hell prevented me from developing anything like an ‘ordinary’ ego. (If I had to choose between having an intact SELF or having some kind of an EGO – thank you, but SELF works fine for me.)
But if I don’t have this EGO-thing and this loss/absence is preventing me from accomplishing something I want to do – feel destined to do – what are my options?
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