A most unusual thing has happened (for me). I don’t know how long this will last. I don’t know where this came from or why. Suddenly – yesterday afternoon – a most unique feeling came over me –
I feel HAPPY!!
You can bet I am exploring this gift. To bed last night exhausted at 8:00 p.m. and up this morning at 4:30 a.m. – WAY beyond the sun. My hopeful condition was matched by pulling up dear ole Pandora radio on my computer as I now vibrate the walls of my house – and beyond – with my favorite music – Latin. (I figure if my neighbors here my fantastic beats they won’t mind, living as we do exactly on the Mexican-American border line.) Meanwhile I am blasting away the obnoxious droning sound of those massive generator lights Border Patrol has set up too close to anyone’s house – certainly mine.
What has HAPPENED to me? Is this temporary, like the passing of a storm before the next one arrives – unexpected, demanding my FULLEST ATTENTION?
I cannot say.
Something about putting two pieces of self-knowledge together – and then – of all things – owned them and accepted them with – what? GLADNESS?
Now, to some readers who were not severely abused from birth in a universe of darkest trauma, who were instead loved and cherished and cared for as infants and children are SUPPOSED to be, this might seem a wide stretch from something positive to know and love about one’s self.
Here I am, celebrating these two pieces of information that are at this moment glued together in my conscious awareness – as the acceptance of them has changed how my body is feeling into CONFIDENCE that underlies my JOY.
One: I DO NOT NEED PEOPLE LIKE OTHER PEOPLE DO! The first person who pointed this out to me some 20 years ago was a spiritually gifted Native American medicine man. So I’m a bit slow. So it took me these 20 passing years to FEEL the reality and therefore the truth of what he knew.
Two: EVEN THOUGH I WAS NOT BORN NOT TO NEED PEOPLE (like other people do), THAT IS EXACTLY WHAT HAPPENED TO ME THROUGH NO CHOICE OF MY OWN. What this means to me today is that I do not have to compromise what I feel in order to make other people happy.
Walk away from people, put distance between myself and them (not everybody, mind you – just those who quite frankly irritate the pe-jabbers out of me!), and let them freely do whatever it is they do to beg attention like so many leeches from somebody else.
I don’t even have to spend my energy, any of it, worrying about ‘explaining myself’ to them.
It is not my job to change people. It is not my job to fix them or to make them happy or to fill up their lonely places.
Today I realize how LUCKY I am!! I can whine — and believe me, I’ve done plenty of that over the years, that I miss things like “knowing what it feels like to be loved” — or I can accept with pleasure the fact that I don’t have to walk down that street – the street where so many strangers are really NOT able to accept the truths about how THEY were made – about what happened to them long ago in their lives that created these big ole empty holes inside of them that they would LOVE to fill — with ATTENTION from anybody who will give it to them.
Well, perhaps I see this right now because I am fully occupied with my book-writing job that is uniquely mine – that I believe will eventually have power to help other human souls learn something new and helpful — if not just plain fascinating. I owe nobody anything that does not feel to me like it’s coming directly from my own inner guidance system — that has set a definite course of action for me — that is MINE.
My task does not belong to anyone else. It’s up to other people to find their own task – and to do it. This kind of inner direction has the power (I discovered yesterday and still feel with benefit today) to make a person happy!
Never mind I am waiting for the sun to come up – that special light in the sky that keeps our glorious planet dancing in its great wide orbit. I am dressed from head to toe in my old work clothes, preparing to don my worn sturdy cowperson boots – going out to crawl around in the high desert dust of my nearly completed chicken vault to staple stucco wire around the rest of the inside of this coop. My only concern will be how to keep the watered down white barn paint off of the tips of my boots.
And through every moment of my day I will be writing a book in my mind. There is nothing more important to demand my energy, my thoughts, the attention of my essence.
I was given this most amazing epic of tragedy to write about just as I was given my part in enduring, in living through it. My life. My life belongs to ME and to nobody else.
So – if you are of a mind to whine, snivel, beg and leech your way to MY attention today — get off of that horse and walk away. You can leave the horse behind. I LIKE horses.
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