Telling my abusive Mother’s story, at least what I understand of it and what part of Mother’s story came to me in the collection of her papers after her death, does seem to me at this moment to be an incredibly gutsy thing to do. At the same time I also feel relief that I doubt the risk to me of having my own full-blown body memories appear out of nowhere to swallow me up — as I know they can do when I work on writing my own story as her victim — does not exist when I ‘just’ work on publishing HER story.
I have the advantage of being clear about a severe disadvantage that I personally have. All research, including the Adverse Childhood Experiences (ACE) study conducted by the Center for Disease Control (CDC) indicates that because I am the survivor of severe infant and childhood abuse, my life expectancy has been greatly shortened. I do not have any luxury to believe that the writing and publication of the books I hope to write can be postponed. If it takes all I have left to offer to this world to accomplish this task, I am prepared to spend it.
I anticipate that in ebook format the two books I intend to epublish before next spring will most likely be titled:
The Demise of Mildred: A Profile of My Severely Abusive Mother
Book One: Born In Shadow
Book Two: Her Alaskan Dream
In hard copy print these books would be massive. I will know more about how they might need to be divided into ‘parts’ after their ebook format has been completed.
I currently lack the faith in myself that I can accomplish this task to fruition without help. But if no help appears to me, I will have to do this all myself — a process that I cannot imagine!!
It is most strange for me to contemplate at this moment the possibility that what may be the destiny of my writing has NEVER been about me writing my own story. Maybe this is a stance I will need to remain in as I work thoroughly with Mother’s writings so that I can do all possible justice to the power these books will have to help others who live with troubles caused by early abuse.
These books are about a woman who DID grow up to become a monster abuser. My story is of a woman who DID NOT grow up to be an abuser. The trajectory of my life took a direction opposite to my mother’s. At this point it feels most important to me to describe what happened to make an abuser than what happened not to make one.
I am not an objective reader of my mother’s story. I process everything my mother wrote going back to her childhood stories and everything I know of the stories she told of her childhood through the filter of being the survivor of her horrendous insane abuse.
Yet I KNOW her abuse of me was not random. It had a desperate purpose, and because I have so thoroughly considered my own story I now know exactly what that purpose was. My guess is that it is this purpose that will tie Mother’s story and mine together most clearly.
In this way everything I know about Mother is a part of my story.
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