I left home to fly the 1700 miles north to visit my family on Thursday August 30th – and I am still here. There are probably 100 posts I could write from what I have and currently am experiencing on this trip. I figure all that can wait until I get home again. The long and the short of it is that I barely have the inner resources I wish I had to manage my visit comfortably. I don’t. “Too much stimulation” is just plain noxious to me (as it is for a newly born infant) no matter the source or the positive/negative direction the stimulation comes from. I just cannot easily handle ‘stress’.
I hate this about my condition. Part of me says that if I do not NAME what I know about what I am experiencing here then it cannot hurt me. I am doing my best to ‘skip over’ the hard parts, wanting only to keep with me moment to moment the marvels of being with my grandsons and my daughters – no matter what else might be involved in this experience.
Life as we know it IS experience — ongoing and continual. Experience is so intimately connected and intertwined with every other experience we have ever had that they cannot be teased apart, this ‘present’ from that ‘past’. My past exhausted my resources. In my essence I feel exhausted. “I am tired out” is the refrain that repeats in my awareness — and at 61, that MAKES ME MAD!
Part of this process is about accepting my ‘disabilities’ – and because these ‘disabilities’ exist in direct proportion to the severe insane abuse I suffered from my birth – they are not minor ones.
I don’t want to name them right now. I want to go on with my day as if they do not exist. (Yeah, right!) That’s all I really know how to do. It’s what I have always done. Tired out or not, exhausted or not, I always reach for MORE resources, even when I can’t imagine where they are inside of me. I am greedy that way, I guess!
So be it. Life is NOT fair. Ask any human!
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