Having just completed the piece of writing titled ‘+MY SELFISH POST‘ I rebooted my computer to transcribe this essay onto the blog and realized something: There needs to be an introduction to that post.
How I have always existed as a ‘version of self’ in my life is in direct response to the very nature of my mother’s severely mentally ill psychosis about me that was created during her labor to birth breech me into this world.
Mother’s particular very refined psychosis that the devil sent me to kill her while I was being born, and as we both survived the birthing that I was not human but was the devil’s child ‘sent as a curse upon’ her life, meant that fundamentally and essentially I as a separate self-person from my Mother was not allowed to be born.
My mother did every single thing in her power for the 18 years of my childhood to prevent my self from coming into existence.
In Mother’s macabre ‘dance with the devil’ I was born to be her proxy self that the devil already owned so SHE could escape HER inevitable fate of being found by him and forever tortured in hell.
Mother’s psychosis demanded that I not o nly never become my own self separate from her, but also demanded that I reside hidden away in hell — that I could not possibly be allowed to escape from — instead of her.
My mother did everything in her power to keep me in this hell that she, in her terrible psychosis, created for me.
Although I was Mother’s so-called ‘projection’ of her perceived own evil self (that the devil was coming to get) — she so liberalized and ‘made real’ (concretized) both me as being the devil’s child AND the hell she created and trapped me within that there FUNDAMENTALLY was no other reality possible for me for those 18 long years.
This was the perpetual life-and-death struggle I was born into. In order for Mother to remain alive I could not be born as my own self — ever. Hence my living (unborn) death as a self — as Mother’s proxy-self in hell — kept my mother alive (and probably all of her children, as well).
My self – who I am – was born along with my body. But I was born not into the ‘real world’ but rather I was instantly hijacked at the instant of my birth into my mother’s psychotic hell.
The influence upon me of the profound, comprehensive, all-enveloping, sustained, intense, all-pervasive, inescapable, extremely hurtful nature of Mother’s psychotic job of keeping me ‘all evil’ in her hell still escapes my ability to articulate it.
But as I prepare to transcribe ‘My Selfish Post’ onto this blog I realize the task I have of trying ‘to find myself’ can only match the experience of survivors of mothers with the same integral psychosis that my mother so entirely orchestrated against me.
My mother’s psychosis within which I was forced to occupy the central core and to be the center person was permanent, not temporary. It was continual, not on again-off again. It was specific, very specialized, not random. It was focused and detailed, not diffuse and unspecified.
Mother’s psychosis that fed and sustained her abuse of me was impenetrable from within and from without.
See next post – +MY SELFISH POST
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