I recently read a newspaper article about obesity now being the #1 health problem in America. An important contributing factor to the increasing weight of our population is that people with a high ‘body mass index (BMI)’ are producing children with other people who also have a high BMI. This genetic selection process is alone and by itself swaying the direction of our literal growth as a nation!
Similar patterns, I believe, happen among people who have unresolved trauma in their history (personally and in their family lines). Unresolved trauma survivors choose to mate and to produce offspring with others who also are unresolved trauma survivors. Troubles upon troubles are transferred down through the generations of these people.
The TROUBLES are clearly present in the patterns of the lives these unresolved trauma people live in the ‘form’ of TRAUMA DRAMA. Most simply put – the stories match!
I believe that readers who find their way to this blog have recognized these unresolved trauma patterns in self and family and are dedicated to finding ways to reverse the downward spiral. The first steps to be taken in creating positive changes happen on a deeply profound level at which we have all taken this stand: “NO MORE TRAUMA! There IS a better way to live and I am going to find it!”
We can’t beg, push or drag anyone else along with us on our healing journey. We simply begin to find our own way to let the light of a better way of living begin to creep into our own reality.
Somewhere in this process there comes a time when all the dark and dismal cards that represent the deck of unresolved trauma coming down the generations of our family are laid face up on the table. We will play this deck out until there comes a time where we can find no more secrets, hide no more pain, and deny no more misery. At this time in our honest truth discovery process we realize trauma is NOT the whole story — and it is certainly not the END of our story.
No matter how awful our experiences have been — often clearly so since our conception and birth — if a person is still alive there has been goodness present all along the way — and there still is.
I believe in the natural process of healing there comes a point where we are ready to equally accept THIS fact. There is no need to rush the process. Being ready to deal out the cards in the deck of goodness happens after the bulk of the AWFUL truths about our life have been discovered. Perhaps it is only then that we are ready to find the goodness that had AWESOME power to save us.
From my own experience I can say that as I discovered the goodness that existed right along with the terrible wreckage of my abusive childhood, I realized that trauma survivors live in a universe that uses different ‘weights and measures’ from ‘ordinary’ or ‘normal’.
What was good in our lives carried immense weight!!!
When it comes to accepting this fact we find that we cannot EVER compare the weight of the goodness we experienced to anyone else’s.
As an example, the two hours I spent in caring, friendly, compassionate, kind interaction with my Brownie scout leader when I was seven was the ONLY safe and secure attachment experience I had between the ages of 6 and 18. It therefore carried weight in its powers of goodness beyond what most people could begin to imagine or comprehend.
In an ‘ordinary’ childhood such a brief interaction probably would have been so insignificant as to not be remembered at all. In my early life of trauma this was the brightest shining star — and at age 60 I still credit it greatly as giving me what I needed to stay alive.
Although it is essential to our healing that we clearly track, identify and name all that has harmed us in our life, this is not enough. No matter how massively dark and overwhelming early trauma was in our beginnings, goodness DID exist or we would not still be here.
In our work toward healing we will eventually be ready to track, identify, name — and KEEP — this goodness at the same time we loosen our grip on what we know of the trauma.
Can we ever let the traumas GO? We don’t ever pretend they did not happen. Trauma DID happen to us! Of course our experience of trauma changed us on every level in the development of our body-brain.
I suspect that resolving unresolved trauma happens as we begin to clarify what we WANT and what we do NOT want. We never wanted those horrors to happen to us. We DID WANT good things to happen.
We might not believe that goodness ever happened in the darkness of our infancy and childhood. We might not understand yet how critically important it is to us to understand that it DID exist in our life (and still does).
There are times our healing work demands that we melt into our pool of despair as if we are sinking into the earth itself. There are times it demands that we lay curled in a fetal position with our arms bent so tightly into the curve of our body our fists only fit under our chin.
There are times in our healing journey we must pull our power into our body to rail against what wrong was done to us as we pound our way out of the darkness of our past.
There will also be times as we lift up our palms to the warmth of the sun that memories of goodness begin to appear in our openness.
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