If I were a more-healed person I would today be able to upgrade what concerns me. However, what I am experiencing right now is first and foremost evidently of a deeply personal nature. (Darn it!)
I do not know exactly what the triggers are and have been that are contributing to this very high anxiety ‘state’ that I am in. The birth of my 2nd grandson? I don’t know. The changes in what will so entirely occupy the energies of my daughter after this birth — and with a husband, full time demanding occupation from which she has only 6 weeks off, the combining of her needs with mothering a 2-year-old?
And I as her mother, and grandmother? I WANT to be nothing but affirming and supporting to my daughter. I want to ‘caregive’ to her – but I know enough about what the research says, that those of us severely traumatized, abused, neglected – so unsafely and insecurely attached to ANYONE during our early years have insecure attachment patterns in our body-brain that mean our own attachment system — demanding that our own attachment needs FEEL unmet — does not turn itself off in ordinary ways. And when an insecure attachment pattern cannot turn OFF appropriately — neither — then — can our caregiving system be turned ON.
I am in the middle of completely cleaning my house before I travel north in a month to see my family. I am moving things around, changing things – shifting all the patterns inside the dwelling that I live in. This is very hard work for me. There is nobody here to help me move the furniture. There is nobody here but ME to do this job — period. It’s a job I am not enjoying!
Yet at the same time it seems that something MAJOR is changing itself around inside of my SELF. This is the HARD WORK!
I feel blind. I cannot see what it is that needs changing. I cannot tell how I am carrying this task out. I can’t find what inner resources I could find and use in myself to make this job easier — or in the end more successful.
So – I am left now carrying on this house cleaning — literally inside and outside of myself — one teensy weensy step at a time. I have to trust that what I am doing will all come together in the end and ‘things’ will be more beautiful, more perfect.
Ah. That word. PERFECT. There is HUGE TROUBLE brewing, no BOILING and turning into stormy steam inside of me around the concept of a ‘perfect world’.
Connected to PERFECT are two other words that I need to deeply explore within myself: JUSTICE and FAIRNESS.
This triad — I cannot pull these three concepts apart from one another at the same time I cannot even say on what level I have any idea what any of these words actually MEAN.
All I know now is that from the start of my life as an abused infant and child I was ALWAYS told that all problems in my mother’s life, in my father’s life, in the life of my entire family were MY FAULT.
In essence this message was always tied to the fact (to Mother) that my being born ‘spoiled her life’, spoiled everything.
I was TOLD in every conceivable way that what was WRONG in the world (which in our sick family consisted ONLY of what happened within our sick family) – was my fault.
Somehow – as I start with the knowns as tools for this deep cleaning and sorting I am doing — I grew up ALWAYS believing this because I had no possible way to get any kind of idea that this was not TRUTH.
Part of what so thoroughly impacted how I grew to see the world and my not-place in it was that Mother frequently removed me from her ongoing life and the life of my family by isolating me, by banishing me, by confining me, by vanishing me.
This aspect of Mother’s insane abuse of me began when I was born and I ‘disappeared’ inside a bedroom within my crib behind a closed door. It progressed into days running into weeks of being stood in corners, confined to my bed — progressing to being locked in a shed, stuffed for a night bent over under our car’s steering wheel in my teens – BIG ETC. here!
My only concern at the moment with any of this is that I always knew a PERFECT LIFE was going on while I WAS NOT IN IT. I can see this in the family pictures — everyone else having a wonderful time doing this, doing that — I am not in the pictures. Often if I do appear in the pictures I am way off to the side, physically separated by distance, by clear body language, from the body of my family.
So, my absolute deepest desire to have the world be a perfect place — is it only because THEN I COULD LIVE IN IT MYSELF? If the world were perfect – Linda would then be ALLOWED to live in it?
I don’t want to admit that this small and self-centered ‘motive’ is behind the frequent reactionary anger/rage/irritation I feel when I am confronted with ‘things’ in our society that seem WRONG to me and that seem illogical, that do not seem RIGHT and do not make sense.
I could make a long list of what I consider to be unjust in the world. I see the world deteriorating on so many, many IMPORTANT and trivial levels.
But I do NOT wish to feel disharmony, resentment, self-righteousness, condemning, judgmental, or any other ‘negative’ feeling inside of ME when I detect injustice and/or unfairness in the world. I cannot be a part of the solution at the same time I am carrying negativity that is a part of the problem within me.
People talk about ‘trauma triggers’ as if they are items one could list on paper like making a shopping list — that clearly. When severe abuse starts at birth and things never get any better as a child/teen — and in my case — being ALIVE, just BEING HERE — is a trauma trigger!
I guess the neat and clean and tidy and organized, etc. patterns that I am working to create here as I (as my friend calls it) ‘reconfigure’ my outer dwelling place is being mirrored on my insides. I have not made any significant progress on either task yet — but I am determined. I am willing. I will be hopeful and patient. I will pray for assistance and for forgiveness for the flaws inside of me — no matter how they GOT there — find a way to disappear.
I do not underestimate the difficulty of my task – especially my inner one. I don’t have a firm foundation of balance inside of me from my beginning of life that set me off in the right direction.
I do understand that there is some kind of miracle that I live with — that I could go through such unbelievable hell for 18 years — and still even begin to think that there COULD be such a thing as a perfect world! Why do I care so much that beauty and goodness, truth, justice, fairness prevail over chaos, stupidity, sickness and darkness?
At present I cannot separate what I know, what I feel, what I believe, what I need to change — all the complex inner states inside of me — enough to simply, instantly magic-wand-CHANGE how I feel and how I react. I don’t know the easy way to become different than how I am right now.
All I know is that I have work to do. So I will go do it. I don’t want to live feeling and reacting the way I am now. I want to be BETTER!! NEVER perfect – just better.
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