Not complaining – just saying – in my entire universe growing up there was ALWAYS SOMETHING WRONG that involved me – in my entire universe I on occasion forgot this fact ’cause I was really just a kid.
It was obviously – in my kid world – Mother’s JOB to remind me there was ALWAYS SOMETHING WRONG that involved me at these times when I accidentally forgot.
Because my abusive mother was INSANE, psychotically insane, I never knew beforehand exactly what it was that I was doing wrong until I ‘made her’ (‘poor mother’) TELL me in every way that she could exactly what it was I was doing or had done wrong. Unfortunately for me, her need to remind me was so continual, so constant and so brutally abusive in every way — every biochemical and nerve and cell in my body now remembers her ‘lessons’ as being real. It is now ONLY my conscious mind along with my inner soul that KNOWS this entire set-up was ALWAYS a lie.
Of course Mother was more than psychotically crazy. She was hyper-vigilant, as well. It was the task of her inner madness — assigned to her in her early childhood that exploded into being while I was being born — to make absolutely CERTAIN I did not and could not escape the HELL she HAD to keep me contained within – in place of herself – so that SHE could escape and be free of her HELL – BECAUSE I WAS STUCK IN THERE, IMPRISONED AND TORMENTED/TORTURED instead of her.
And I better not EVER forget this was my place! I better not EVER accidentally forget and be a kid – which is essentially what yesterday’s post was all about: +Age 7 – mid-1959 – The ‘baby bottle’ and mid-night beatings
I mention this because I noticed again today that a part of me does not any longer allow me to FORGET that there is something wrong – always somewhere – even if I temporarily forget this fact — in my life for one reason – one reason only – one reason that was pounded into me every day of the first 18 years of my life — that one reason being there was always something wrong in MY life — because I WAS/AM IN IT!
(Which was the same thing as saying in Mother’s ‘crazy-think-speak’ that there would be nothing wrong with HER life if I wasn’t in it — which was the same thing REALLY as saying that there would be nothing wrong with HER life if HER OWN EVIL-BAD child self was not inside of HER — which of course at this point since I had succeeded in being born and since she had survived birthing me was the same thing as saying that the EVIL-BAD child that was HERS and that she entirely was successful at projecting onto/into ME was…….. Well – here’s the picture!!! ACK!!!! BLECK!! Talk about crazy making. Talk about TOXIC!!!)
I don’t fool myself into believing that I will ever escape what this kind of brain washing and conditioning did to me. Any reprieve I get comes from consciously determined and inform intent and effort to try to step out from under — away from — this chronic, constant sense of eternal foreboding that was so built into my body-nervous system-brain.
The best I hope for is that on a superficial MENTAL level – with perhaps some minor (software rather than hardware) kinds of adjustments elsewhere in my body – I can create a kind of peace inside myself during segments of my days and nights. I have to be very careful about what I think, how I handle my feelings, what I expect of myself, what kind of people and circumstances and challenges I let close to me in order to keep the chronic state of ‘something is wrong even if I don’t know what it is at this moment, even if I temporarily forget it simply because I exist in my own life‘ at a little bit of distance from myself.
I was blamed – insanely so – for EVERYTHING that ever went wrong in my parents’ home while I lived in it. If I chose to remember and could remember what I could list in this regard — which I don’t and won’t — the things I was blamed for would fill a book all by themselves.
My older siblings know exactly what I am talking about. My experience was with a worst kind of persistent and vicious terrorism committed by my violent, insane captor.
I am just saying – not complaining – while I have never been a fallen warrior I do have a perpetual physiologically built-into-my-body massive dark cloud that falls around me continually UNLESS I am making personal continual effort to create some space where it cannot enter.
This work will last for my lifetime in this body. I consider myself very fortunate that I DO at least have some times now where I can periodically temporarily escape the awareness of the influences within me of having experienced those first 18 years of traumas. I know that other severe early abuse survivors know exactly what I am writing about today.
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